Ex-in laws moved into my neighborhood

[5kgatorgirl]

Hi all,

I am really struggling. I met my ex-husband when we were 21. I always enjoyed visiting his dad and his wife (they lived out of state from us). We divorced when my son was 18 months. He became very addicted to pain killers over time and refused any help. I was awarded nearly sole custody of our son, but tried to encourage him to be involved when safe. Unfortunately, The years passed and his issues only seemed to get worse. So, they cut him out of their lives and asked to continue to be involved with my son. I agreed, I felt he deserved to know his parental side and all the love he could get.

Fast forward, I remarried 5 years ago and had another child shortly after. He is the man of my dreams and a great role model and friend to my son, and father, to our child.

My ex-in laws have recently moved out of state (without asking and chose a home in our neighborhood.) They are great people, but I am drowning. They walk by our house everyday, sometimes multiple times. (They are also several streets down, so this is intentional). They will ask why one of us didn’t go to work or how long a visitor will be in town, if they see their car in the driveway. They Facebook stalk me, asking questions about our schedules, where we went, etc within minutes of anything I put up. So, I have stopped posting. I do invite them to holidays and out. 
 

I would like to preserve this relationship, but it is getting more and more difficult. Any advice on how to navigate this back into healthy waters?

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, 5kgatorgirl said:

They are great people, but I am drowning. They walk by our house everyday, sometimes multiple times. (They are also several streets down, so this is intentional). They will ask why one of us didn’t go to work or how long a visitor will be in town, if they see their car in the driveway. They Facebook stalk me, asking questions about our schedules, where we went, etc within minutes of anything I put up.

Sorry this is happening. Slowly phase them out of your social media.  Make sure you have video and lighting security system, so that "pop ins" don't happen. Check with your zoning board about high fences and hedges. Unfortunately they are trying to be 'neighborly', friendly and "family", but it seems intrusive so you'll have to gradually improve your privacy  both physically at your home and of course on social media. Check your settings and limit the content they can see.

[glows]

12 minutes ago, 5kgatorgirl said:

Hi all,

I am really struggling. I met my ex-husband when we were 21. I always enjoyed visiting his dad and his wife (they lived out of state from us). We divorced when my son was 18 months. He became very addicted to pain killers over time and refused any help. I was awarded nearly sole custody of our son, but tried to encourage him to be involved when safe. Unfortunately, The years passed and his issues only seemed to get worse. So, they cut him out of their lives and asked to continue to be involved with my son. I agreed, I felt he deserved to know his parental side and all the love he could get.

Fast forward, I remarried 5 years ago and had another child shortly after. He is the man of my dreams and a great role model and friend to my son, and father, to our child.

My ex-in laws have recently moved out of state (without asking and chose a home in our neighborhood.) They are great people, but I am drowning. They walk by our house everyday, sometimes multiple times. (They are also several streets down, so this is intentional). They will ask why one of us didn’t go to work or how long a visitor will be in town, if they see their car in the driveway. They Facebook stalk me, asking questions about our schedules, where we went, etc within minutes of anything I put up. So, I have stopped posting. I do invite them to holidays and out. 
 

I would like to preserve this relationship, but it is getting more and more difficult. Any advice on how to navigate this back into healthy waters?

I'd be a bit more direct and tactful that you and your family are not always available and to call ahead if they want to stop by that day. This discourages people from dropping in unannounced. Change the subject if they keep asking invasive questions. Do not answer any questions that don't involve them. They sound like regular retirees with a lot of time and an older generation that is poor on boundaries. They'll keep pushing those boundaries until you stop offering information that doesn't concern them. Remain cordial and friendly at any gatherings. 

There'll be some adjustment for everyone. They may be feeling like you're the only family close by and the most familiar faces close to home after their move. Maybe they worry for their own old age and their safety and security. I wouldn't take it too personally even though it is overwhelming. 

 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, 5kgatorgirl said:

So, I have stopped posting. I do invite them to holidays and out. 

I would like to preserve this relationship, but it is getting more and more difficult. Any advice on how to navigate this back into healthy waters?

After reading about all their creepy and stalking behavior, I was shocked to come to the end of your post and see that you still invite them to holidays, and would like to "preserve" this relationship.  Where is your backbone?  The first thing you need to do is put up boundaries and stand up for yourself.  Every time they do something inappropriate like ask you exactly what you're doing at all times of the day, you need to firmly tell them that this is inappropriate and they need to respect your privacy.

You do understand that they don't have any legal rights to your child, right?  If you wanted to, you could put an end to this relationship with them.  You are letting these people stalk and harass you.  WHY?

[5kgatorgirl]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Slowly phase them out of your social media.  Make sure you have video and lighting security system, so that "pop ins" don't happen. Check with your zoning board about high fences and hedges. Unfortunately they are trying to be 'neighborly', friendly and "family", but it seems intrusive so you'll have to gradually improve your privacy  both physically at your home and of course on social media. Check your settings and limit the content they can see.

Thanks, checking the social media settings is a great suggestion. I forgot I could limit what they can see without blocking. 

[5kgatorgirl]

3 hours ago, glows said:

I'd be a bit more direct and tactful that you and your family are not always available and to call ahead if they want to stop by that day. This discourages people from dropping in unannounced. Change the subject if they keep asking invasive questions. Do not answer any questions that don't involve them. They sound like regular retirees with a lot of time and an older generation that is poor on boundaries. They'll keep pushing those boundaries until you stop offering information that doesn't concern them. Remain cordial and friendly at any gatherings. 

There'll be some adjustment for everyone. They may be feeling like you're the only family close by and the most familiar faces close to home after their move. Maybe they worry for their own old age and their safety and security. I wouldn't take it too personally even though it is overwhelming. 

 

Thanks so much for this! My husband feels this way as well.  I had a great relationship with them before they moved here. It’s nice to hear someone else concurs with him. I obviously bear the brunt of their behavior. I have been trying to put up boundaries lately. Kindly, but there is an obvious shift on my end. 
 

Unfortunately, this has escalated their behavior rather than improving it. It’s almost like they are doubling down 😳. For instance, my parents came to visit last week (they live out of state) and the ex-in laws were insisting on taking my kids to a baseball game 2 nights they were there.  I told them no, because we have guests. These were not games they mentioned prior and were freaking out saying “we didn’t know they were coming.”  She also mentioned volunteering as a home room mom in my son’s class next year. I also had to tell her no and she got very visibly upset. I care about them, but it is really taking a toll on my mental health. 

[LeGenDary_Man]

You allowed them (i.e., Parents of your EX) to bond with your kids? This might have encouraged this couple to move close to you.

They might be old and retired, and perceive you and your kid with your EX as a part of their family. You have replaced their son in this.

They [should] have taken you into confidence before moving in your location, but they have moved, and argument(s) with them on these lines will not be helpful.

Be NICE to them, but talk to them. Your stance should be that you are a part of another family now, and your marriage (as well as your right to privacy) should be respected. Things are different for you now.

Suggest PLANNED meetups to them.

Allow them to spend time with your kids in a way that suits you and your husband (with mutual consent).

The alternative is to cut them off but this would be extreme and might hurt both parties. Good relationships should be retained in my view.

You are having a surge of emotions in the present but you will be able to adjust to this new reality in time.

 

 

[5kgatorgirl]

Ok, so I had been trying to put some space between us. Things have been somewhat better by ignoring or saying we are busy, etc. We had my birthday dinner this weekend and it went well. They were invited and attended. I worked from home today and she said, “saw your car on my walk today. Not going to work?” Any advice on a reply or would you just ignore? I actually am very good at communicating with people, but this is such an invasion and so strange, I don’t know where to begin. Thanks all! 

[introverted1]

I am going to be an outlier here and say that I sort of feel bad for these people.  Through no fault of theirs, you and your ex are not together but your son is still their grandchild.  Had you and the ex stayed together, they'd have had full grandparent "rights," so to speak.  Instead, they are now on the outside of your new family unit, and they are no doubt worried that this means they will no longer have a relationship with their grandson.

That said, I do understand how their current actions can feel intrusive and invasive.  Is it possible for you to sit down with them and have a heart-to-heart about how you'd like the relationship to go?  For your son, it's important that he knows he has grandparents who love him.  For you and your new husband, it's important to have boundaries and to grow your own family unit.  I think an open discussion with the ex in-laws is needed.  Perhaps if they can share their fears and you can allay them, some of the stuff they are doing (like commenting on whether you went to work today) would stop.

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, 5kgatorgirl said:

I worked from home today and she said, “saw your car on my walk today. Not going to work?” Any advice on a reply or would you just ignore? 

Just ignore this. Are they retired? They seem quite bored. You don't have to reply to every nonsense communication that is sent. It's really none of their business whose car is in your driveway or why..  Or...freak them out and rent a cheap U-Haul for a day and park it in the driveway. 🚚😱

[glows]

50 minutes ago, 5kgatorgirl said:

Ok, so I had been trying to put some space between us. Things have been somewhat better by ignoring or saying we are busy, etc. We had my birthday dinner this weekend and it went well. They were invited and attended. I worked from home today and she said, “saw your car on my walk today. Not going to work?” Any advice on a reply or would you just ignore? I actually am very good at communicating with people, but this is such an invasion and so strange, I don’t know where to begin. Thanks all! 

I've found an open conversation in person helps with neutral topics like this. Not over text. The issue is they aggravate you to the point of deep resentment now but you can stop that and still preserve the relationship without stewing in silence. The relationship (between them and you) will also have a chance to grow. I do not think ignoring them is a good idea at all. It's ignoring the relationship and also negatively affecting the relationship potentially that your kids have with their grandparents. It's not the way to go. 

Take a deep breath, take your time replying. Reply at a time when you feel calm, not when you're immediately pissed because you just saw a message come up from them. You can reply something along the lines of: "I work from home occasionally but I'm quite busy. Hope you're doing well and have a great day." People usually take the hint after a message like this and realize that not only are you not afraid to speak or vocalize but you are also not available to chit chat or offer added explanations. Wish them well too and remain polite. You'll find messages like this become less frequent as they realize "Oh, she must be working from home but she's busy." 

If this comes up in person, then engage in friendly and polite conversation about your occasional work from home days. Then change the subject and ask them how they are doing. Do not be afraid to engage in conversation as each conversation is an opportunity to maintain those boundaries and show them also more about your routine and when you're not available. 

 

Edited July 19, 2022 by glows