SnapDragon Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 Hi everyone... It's my first time here and I really hope you guys can offer some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months, and today I found dirty videos on his computer. I was disgusted--not by the videos themselves, because I understand that many people watch them and even many couples do--but that he hid it from me. Throughout our entire relationship he claimed that he never even masturbated or thought about other women because he felt "unfaithful" to me. He even claimed that he was completely turned off by porn. So throughout our entire relationship he has been lying to me. I confronted him about it, and he was all apologetic and swore to erase it--but you know what? If he's immediately sorry, then that means he knows it was wrong to lie to me. All that time he knew he was doing something that would hurt me if I found out, so he kept it from me. Where's the respect? Why couldn't he just tell me? I'm not sure what to feel, I'm so upset... I'm really hoping someone can offer an outside opinion. This might be the end of our relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 You have only been dating him for 10 months.. How long have they been on the computer.. Longer than 10 months I'll bet.. you need to relax... at 10 months you don't own the man.. You are making it sound as if you had been together 10 years.. Just talk to him about it.. chances are he will delete if you ask him.. I noticed you used the word "Confronted " instead of "asked" sounds like you have some insecurieties that you need to talk to him about By the way.. The way I feel about stuff like this is unless you are married you need to cut him some slack about what is on his computer.. I know I have stuff on mine that has been there for years and I never look at it.. And you are all accusing him of lying.. Come on.. It's just a video Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 Are you some kind of biggot maybe? Seriously, I never found porn on my guy's computer, but if at some point I do, I really won't care. He's human, and he's a guy; he probably told you porn and masturbating were not his thing because he knew it disgusts you and he didn't want you to be disappointed in him. I don't know any guy who doesn't masturbate; it is normal and even healthy. Don't put too much pressure on him about this. Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 Are you some kind of biggot maybe? The issue at hand is not the videos but the fact that he was lying to her. My opinion...It sounds as though you may have shown him some way that you would have had a strong reaction to him and his thoughts about / looks at other women in general early on in the relationship. He most likely thought that you would have made a big issue out of his watching the videos when it really was not a big deal and meant nothing. He didn't believe it was an issue worth risking the relationship for and that's why he kept it from you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SnapDragon Posted October 24, 2005 Author Share Posted October 24, 2005 You're right... it wasn't so much about the videos but about the lying. We've always had an open relationship, and talked about things like masturbation and porn and fantasies. We've always been open about things like that, and I've asked him if he has any particular desires to try anything. That's what makes it so suprising to suddenly find out he had so many opportunities to tell me what he wanted---I would have watched them with him for crying out loud if he wanted to! I'm just hurt that he felt the need to hide that... Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 Maybe he just didn't feel comfortable talking about this. I don't think you should worry about it. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 Why not just settle the score and download some porn of your own for him to find but don't tell him about it. Then when he gets his panties all in wad about it you wil have a valid argument as to why you don't think it was right to hide it from you. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 I's the little white lies that can led to the big ones and then you got the snowball effect.. I don't blame you for being upset you have every right to.. If he wanted to look at them he could have shared them as a couple !! I hope he isn't lying to you about anything else .. What i have learned from men is that they will tell us wives and g/f what we want to hear just to shut us up and we want get mad!! Good luck hope it all works out for you:) Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 I honestly don't think so. I've known some really nice, honest guys who just didn't feel 100% comfortable about some aspects of their sexuality and did not feel comfortable sharing it. They both sound young; I don't think there's any need to dramatize in this case. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 Hope it all works out for you !! Hang in there !! PM me if you need someone to talk to !! Link to post Share on other sites
sexiibabee Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 I'm in a similar situation and actually tomorrow is our 10 month. it took me about 2 months to calm down and seriously realize to myself that I don't own him and he is a major horny b*stard!!! and accept it. I felt like I was lied to all this time and felt him being unfaithful to me because the porn and him commenting on other women just started recently and came up constantly. But now I just suck it up and tell myself whatever. Some people are Ok with it and others not. I was the type NOT Ok with it and definitely not Ok with him hiding it. (and we lived together..hmm 10 months). It's hard when I want to feel like I'm the only one he looks at but truth is married or not he is the type to gawk at a hot chick with big boobs and that I really shouldn't trip about. So best thing to do is calmly talk to him about how you feel and definitely about the lying and hiding. But most guys will be guys. Like a previous post, they don't want to be disappointing. Link to post Share on other sites
sexiibabee Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 I'm in a similar situation and actually tomorrow is our 10 month. it took me about 2 months to calm down and seriously realize to myself that I don't own him and he is a major horny b*stard!!! and accept it. I felt like I was lied to all this time and felt him being unfaithful to me because the porn and him commenting on other women just started recently and came up constantly. But now I just suck it up and tell myself whatever. Some people are Ok with it and others not. I was the type NOT Ok with it and definitely not Ok with him hiding it. (and we lived together..hmm 10 months). It's hard when I want to feel like I'm the only one he looks at but truth is married or not he is the type to gawk at a hot chick with big boobs and that I really shouldn't trip about. So best thing to do is calmly talk to him about how you feel and definitely about the lying and hiding. But most guys will be guys. Like a previous post, they don't want to be disappointing. But if I were to start gawking at men and keeping magazines or computer stuff, my boy should have absolutely no problem with that Link to post Share on other sites
sexiibabee Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 Sorry my computer was freezing up and it submitted my post and then I posted again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SnapDragon Posted October 25, 2005 Author Share Posted October 25, 2005 Thank you all very much for your input... I never imagined that an online forum could be so supportive. I still feel hurt that he wasn't more open with me--I've really been open about my sex interests. I even ordered some fun things online for us to experiment with... I don't know what's going to happen. I know he's been looking at it as recently as this week. lilmoma, I think you raised a good point about the little white lies. He also lied to me about his virginity before confessing later on... I just don't know when to draw the line. I love him so much, but I've been hurt a lot in our relationship... Maybe I'm just crazy-sensitive. But when is enough enough? Thanks again, though, you guys are great. Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted October 25, 2005 Share Posted October 25, 2005 It sounds like he has some issues around shame and sex. You might want to talk to him about it. I'd put money on him just lying about the sex stuff and nothing else. Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted October 25, 2005 Share Posted October 25, 2005 A person's sexuality is their own--I don't think any of us share 100% of our feelings with a SO. I don't think you should have to all of the time either. It's more about people's privacy. He's got a right to have things on his own computer, just the way you have the right to read books or watch movies with sex scenes in them and not have to tell your bf everytime you do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted October 25, 2005 Share Posted October 25, 2005 I can see that guys (and girls, too) have a right to privacy. Yet, I don't see why someone should lie when he could just frankly say something like "I'd rather not to answer such a question", or "I find it a way too personal question to ask now that we've been dating for so little time". Even a "I don't think it's any of your business" is preferable to such "a little white lie" as this, IMO. Which, incidentally, would not be so white a lie to a number of women. I suppose that I'd feel hurt and deceited in your situation, too. I second other posters' advice to calmly talk to him about your feelings and your worries, and let him know how you feel about his lying. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted October 25, 2005 Share Posted October 25, 2005 Since you said he lied about this and even lied about his virginity says he has a problem with honesty. People lie for different reasons, doesn't mean it should be justified, however, I think since you feel he lies or can't be honest you might want to assk your self is this a relationship you feel thats worth staying in. I would imagine, (and I may be wrong) but it seems to me that if he can lie about this and that, theres no telling what else he might lie about. The trust has been broken because for whatever reason he feels he can't be honest about things. I do feel your trust can be rebuilt and he can learn to be honest with you, but its all in what you both want to do. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted October 25, 2005 Share Posted October 25, 2005 Snap i am so sorry he lied to about the virginity thing!! Do you think your trust issue can be rebuilt? Speaking from expierence once your trust is broken by lying and cheating it is so hard to trust again !! You put up a wall so no one can do it again !! Been cheated on alot !! It never gets any better with the trust issue you always assume that you are going to get disappointed.. My philosophy is "Expect nothing from noone and you will never be disappointed" that way it happens again you won't be surprized!! Good luck and if you ever need someone to chat with pm me anytime!! Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted October 25, 2005 Share Posted October 25, 2005 Eeekk Okay, if he lied about more, then you have to find out the truth. What if he slept with several girls and has some STD?? That's actually the main thing I'd freak out about. Link to post Share on other sites
makaze Posted October 25, 2005 Share Posted October 25, 2005 He shouldn't have lied about it in that way even if he wasn't comfortable with the truth. There's stuff I'd be uncomfortable telling my boyfriend but I wouldn't lie and make stuff up if he asked me, rather just tell him that I'd rather not talk about it. But I'm guessing you're both somewhat young so it's a normal thing, but the fact that he lied about other stuff definitely isn't good. You really need to talk to him and put a lot of emphasis on how important you take honesty in a relationship, and make him know that he's done something he shouldn't feel too great about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SnapDragon Posted October 25, 2005 Author Share Posted October 25, 2005 Wow- you guys have given me so much to think about. I can't believe how many took the time to give advice! I really, really appreciate that... So... here's a little update. I took a lot of your input, and wrote him an email about how I felt-- I was careful to emphasize the importance of honesty, and to not be too judgemental (well, not too too judgemental) about him watching it (as many of you said, it's up to him). I was very hurt about these and the other lies, though. About 3 hours later, my printer suddenly printed out this page--I looked at it and it was a letter of apology from him (using my wireless network from the street outside)! At the end of the note, it said, P.S Open your door. I did... And I found two bouquets of carnations and a box of oreos (my sad-food of choice). I couldn't believe it... I called him to talk... We had a night of hugging and talking. My heart melted... I have to admit that it was impossible not to forgive him... Thank you all so much for the input- your posts gave me a great look at some many different positions... And you got me through the worst of it! Anytime you need some support, PM me! P.S Thanks a bunch, lilmoma, for your PM offer. Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted October 25, 2005 Share Posted October 25, 2005 Awww that's great! That was so sweet of him Link to post Share on other sites
dnm1010 Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 very nice im happy to see he said he was sorry and made you feel happy. my suggestion for all these problems, even my own, are to treat it with love. for example, my fiance is addicted to porn. its not at a developed stage but it still is a problem and by being loving and not angry (even though i was hurt) we discussed his problem and are trying to work on it together. he lied to me too and that is what hurts more than anything, but i know he lied because he was embaraced, as probably did your boyfriend. just keep in mind that these things can get out of hand and you should be honest and clear about these things from the begining, the prevent problems later on. pm me if u have more qs Link to post Share on other sites
Author SnapDragon Posted October 27, 2005 Author Share Posted October 27, 2005 Thanks dnm I think you're right about the feeling-guilty thing... He says he is ashamed of lying to me, and that's what he wants to work on. I offered to try and warm up the porn myself, but he said he doesn't like it. It was "just there". So that's something! I really hope it works out with your fiance--I hope he realizes how amazingly supportive you're being! Link to post Share on other sites
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