Smokedoa Posted July 16, 2022 Share Posted July 16, 2022 (edited) I need some help and advice my fiancé and I had the perfect relationship for years,we never fought and were beatfriends ive known her for 25 hears i recently for some reason started snapping at her and Telly and taking it to the extreme when I drank,i black out ive never been like that before? So the third time I did it she told me it was going to be the last time or she would leave me,well I went and did it again im still in the house but I’m sleeping in a different room,she’s really short with me and says she needs time to think about what she is gonna do,she won’t say I love anymore i can’t loose her!!!! She is the love of my life,since it’s happened I quit drinking and I’ve bee doing everything I can to show her that I have change and it’s just not seeming to get me anywhere one day I wrote her a long sweet letter telling her that I was sorry for taking her for granted and how much I appreciate her,I made her a bath with rose pedals leading to it with candles and Champagne im afraid it’s too late and I’m gonna loose her she won’t have a talk with me yet and I feel the long we go the worse it will get Help how can I win my fiancé’s heart back??? Edited July 16, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 16, 2022 Share Posted July 16, 2022 (edited) Marriage is such an intricate part of your identity and future, so panic is understandable. The bad news is that she's probably exhausted and on her way out (if not already). It's fantastic that you stopped drinking, but have you thought about why you let things get that far? How come you snapped at her? Maybe there is some resentment going on. Try to get to the bottom of what makes you angry and aggressive, and figure out what's behind it. The best chance to win your wife back is to be your best self. Only you can control yourself here. You'll probably be able to discover attitudes and behaviors (aside from the snapping and drinking) that are contributing to the problem if you look closely enough. Edited July 16, 2022 by Alpacalia 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 16, 2022 Share Posted July 16, 2022 2 hours ago, Smokedoa said: i recently for some reason started snapping at her and Telly and taking it to the extreme when I drank,i black out How long have you lived together? It's best if you get into detox and rehab and address the drinking problem permanently. Not for her but for yourself. Baths and letters aren't going to make up for years of neglect and abuse and heavy drinking. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 16, 2022 Share Posted July 16, 2022 I tend to agree with wiseman, you have a pretty significant problem with alcohol. It’s good that you have quit drinking but if I was your partner, I would have no confidence that you won’t go back. I would encourage you to look for a rehab program or counselling - take steps to become a healthier person and maybe, she will reconsider. I’m sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 16, 2022 Author Share Posted July 16, 2022 7 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Marriage is such an intricate part of your identity and future, so panic is understandable. The bad news is that she's probably exhausted and on her way out (if not already). It's fantastic that you stopped drinking, but have you thought about why you let things get that far? How come you snapped at her? Maybe there is some resentment going on. Try to get to the bottom of what makes you angry and aggressive, and figure out what's behind it. The best chance to win your wife back is to be your best self. Only you can control yourself here. You'll probably be able to discover attitudes and behaviors (aside from the snapping and drinking) that are contributing to the problem if you look closely enough. This makes a lot of since im currently gonna go see a therapist for myself,I think I just have some deep damage that causes this,I def don’t have any resentment towards her what do you think I shouldn’t be doing? I don’t wanna do the wrong thing and drive her further away from me,you have to understand that breaking up can not happen,I know we were meant to be together and I’m deeply in love with her Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 16, 2022 Author Share Posted July 16, 2022 6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: How long have you lived together? It's best if you get into detox and rehab and address the drinking problem permanently. Not for her but for yourself. Baths and letters aren't going to make up for years of neglect and abuse and heavy drinking. I quit drinking and have no problem with it,I have no desire to drink anymore I can live without drinking I can’t live without her she really like the letter in the bath I can tell that kind of hit her soft spot and she wrote me back on text saying that it was really sweet and she needs some time to absorb everything that I had to say and that she needs some time to think about what she’s going to do but I know that’s not gonna fix everything but it’s a start I just want to know what else I can do I’m going to go see A therapist to help see what really is going on with me it’s deeper than Jess snapping When I drink I’m not sure what it is but I got to figure that out I just wanna know what else I can do and what I shouldn’t be doing I don’t want to drive her further away I can’t lose this girl she’s my everythingWhen I drink I’m not sure what it is but I got to figure that out I just wanna know what else I can do and what I shouldn’t be doing I don’t want to drive her further away I can’t lose this girl she’s my everything Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 16, 2022 Author Share Posted July 16, 2022 7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: How long have you lived together? It's best if you get into detox and rehab and address the drinking problem permanently. Not for her but for yourself. Baths and letters aren't going to make up for years of neglect and abuse and heavy drinking. We’ve lived together for about five years this is only started happening within the last year and a half and It’s happened about four times so far I seem to go from 0 to 100 out of nowhere over the dumbest things I just lose myself Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 16, 2022 Author Share Posted July 16, 2022 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: I tend to agree with wiseman, you have a pretty significant problem with alcohol. It’s good that you have quit drinking but if I was your partner, I would have no confidence that you won’t go back. I would encourage you to look for a rehab program or counselling - take steps to become a healthier person and maybe, she will reconsider. I’m sorry. Yes Alcohol I do things around the house I’m trying to be the man that she deserves I guess that’s all I can docan be a problem I don’t drink on a daily basis it’s just when we go out and we both have drinks I’ll get to appoint and it doesn’t happen all the time but I’ll get to a point where I go from 0 to 100 over something really stupid and I lose myself I am going to seek a counselor I know I don’t need rehab it’s not that bad I’ve already quit drinking I have no desire to drink I told her I could live without alcohol I just can’t live without her in my life I’m gonna start going back to the gym every day I do things around the house I’m trying to be the man that she deserves I guess that’s all I can do Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 16, 2022 Share Posted July 16, 2022 1 hour ago, Smokedoa said: This makes a lot of since im currently gonna go see a therapist for myself,I think I just have some deep damage that causes this,I def don’t have any resentment towards her what do you think I shouldn’t be doing? I don’t wanna do the wrong thing and drive her further away from me,you have to understand that breaking up can not happen,I know we were meant to be together and I’m deeply in love with her Put an end to your efforts to win her back. Respect her decision. Make an appointment with a therapist to work through your problems. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 16, 2022 Share Posted July 16, 2022 End it now. That’s called respecting her. she made a decision - she knows she deserves to be treated right. once a person mistreats someone - and they do it again and again = it’s over. realized you have ruined what was good about the union by mistreating her - honestly, she deserves better. especially since you obviously have a problem with alcohol and you haven’t done anything to get professional help for LONG term recovery. She knows it’s temporary effort on your part. You’ll just mistreat her again next time you drink. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 16, 2022 Share Posted July 16, 2022 OK, there are the blackout sessions. I don't believe those are the only times you've been drunk. How much have you been drunk--even if not blackout drunk--in the year and a half? You need to get to therapy. You can't "nice" or "be good" your way out of this. In fact, what you're doing now is simply repressing things. Something in your is out of balance, but sounds like you aren't really clear on what's going on deep inside of you. Trying to be "nice" to her when you have not really found balance is just going to increase your stress and pressure, which is going to lead you to drinking again to escape the stress and pressure. By drinking. You gotta call an addictions therapist asap and get on this on a deep level. And I'm sorry: I do not believe things were perfect for 25 years. Sorry, I'm not buying that. Your wife's quick reaction tells me there were other problems in the relationship. The blackouts simply put her over the top. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 16, 2022 Author Share Posted July 16, 2022 That’s definitely not the case,and you have no idea how much I love this girl and what we’ve been through so for you to say that to someone that is obviously seeking help is wrong i have quit drinking and have no desire to do so,this was a big eye opener for me i am currently seeking counseling to better myself,I am the perfect man for her I just went through something,all this with disrupting her just started happening I’ve known her for 25 years and have been in love with her for that long,she is my best friend and this definitely is not temporary for me,she’s too important too me to not fix this this now but hopefully not too late i have faith and I believe there is still hope,it’ll take time to prove to her but all I have is time because I plan on spending the rest of my life with her and growing old together im a really good person in heart,something snapped in me and that’s what I’m going to fix Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 16, 2022 Share Posted July 16, 2022 (edited) How long since your last drink? Do you take any pills or smoke weed? what is the cause of your blackout episodes? What have you learned about yourself in counseling? How long have you seen a counselor? How many visits? Edited July 16, 2022 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 17, 2022 Author Share Posted July 17, 2022 6 hours ago, S2B said: How long since your last drink? Do you take any pills or smoke weed? what is the cause of your blackout episodes? What have you learned about yourself in counseling? How long have you seen a counselor? How many visits? it’s been 2 weeks since my last drink,I’m not sure yet of the cause of the black outs but I know alcohol is definitely what I don’t need in my life,I’m hoping going to counseling will help me figure out what ever I’m going through that cause this, I haven’t gone to Councling yet I’ve been looking for one and calling different places I do smoke weed at night before I go to bed it calms me down at night,I don’t take pills though Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 17, 2022 Author Share Posted July 17, 2022 7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: OK, there are the blackout sessions. I don't believe those are the only times you've been drunk. How much have you been drunk--even if not blackout drunk--in the year and a half? You need to get to therapy. You can't "nice" or "be good" your way out of this. In fact, what you're doing now is simply repressing things. Something in your is out of balance, but sounds like you aren't really clear on what's going on deep inside of you. Trying to be "nice" to her when you have not really found balance is just going to increase your stress and pressure, which is going to lead you to drinking again to escape the stress and pressure. By drinking. You gotta call an addictions therapist asap and get on this on a deep level. And I'm sorry: I do not believe things were perfect for 25 years. Sorry, I'm not buying that. Your wife's quick reaction tells me there were other problems in the relationship. The blackouts simply put her over the top. Me and my fiancé always go out and have fun and drink on the weekends but for some reason Lately I’ve been blacking out of no where bht yes I am going to a therapist because I do know that there something going on with me deep inside my head and I will figure this out i will not drink again it ruined and could be the end of our relationship it won’t happen I can live with out drinking but I can not live with out my beautiful fiancé she means everything to me i know it’s hard to believe but our relationship up until recently was perfect,,trust me! I’m the guy that runs around the truck to open the door for her,I’ve cut out heart shaped notes every morning with something sweet on there for her to read before work and have never skipped a beat,flowers all the time! Thankyou for the reply i will go seek a therapist to figure out what is going on in my head,that is mandatory Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 17, 2022 Author Share Posted July 17, 2022 12 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Put an end to your efforts to win her back. Respect her decision. Make an appointment with a therapist to work through your problems. She has not made a decision and I am seeking a therapist,I will never put an end to my efforts,I love that girl more than life itself,I would give anything for her,that’s my best friend Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 17, 2022 Share Posted July 17, 2022 14 hours ago, Smokedoa said: you have to understand that breaking up can not happen Yes, it can. This is out of your control. You have to work on changing your narrative. You don't want a break-up, but that doesn't mean it won't or can't happen. It is her prerogative to go if she chooses. As the others have pointed out, she sounds like she's at the end of her rope with you. You are scrambling now that you realize she is not joking around, and she might leave you, but letters and baths are not enough to save this. Such gestures are not helpful at a time like this. While it's not your intention, it can come across as manipulative to someone who feels their needs haven't been heard and now suddenly you're paying attention. I would therefore stop with the romantic moves. That isn't what's important right now. What is more important is that you stick to your plan of not drinking and get yourself into therapy. That's all you can do. If she wants to leave, you will have little option but to respect her choice and let her go with grace and maturity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 17, 2022 Share Posted July 17, 2022 Two weeks and you haven’t found and seen a therapist yet? dude, you should have been in an office within two days! two weeks is like… way too long when you intend to show her you are willing to make effort to change. when you say you are doing something - do it NOW. You need to find out why you drank to excess. Why you felt it was ok to treat her disrespectfully while drunk. Why you are so angry you drink that much to get numb. you have issues. She shouldn’t want to be with you when you act this way and have so much to work through. And she may be better off staying away while you do the work to find out why! AND the work to change who you are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 17, 2022 Share Posted July 17, 2022 (edited) It has been a lesson in cause and effect for you. The cause was neglect. Relationship breakdown was the effect. If you do not want a breakup, do not neglect. The majority of women don't trust men who claim to have changed. She won't believe you unless you bring about consistent change over months, if not years. Do you want answers? Do you want to know exactly how to win her back? Then look in the mirror and ask yourself the right questions first. Forget about your ego and look at what you did to fail her to the point that you're now scrambling to learn how to win her back! Edited July 17, 2022 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
Brian1223 Posted July 17, 2022 Share Posted July 17, 2022 (edited) 48 minutes ago, S2B said: Two weeks and you haven’t found and seen a therapist yet? dude, you should have been in an office within two days! two weeks is like… way too long when you intend to show her you are willing to make effort to change. when you say you are doing something - do it NOW. You need to find out why you drank to excess. Why you felt it was ok to treat her disrespectfully while drunk. Why you are so angry you drink that much to get numb. you have issues. She shouldn’t want to be with you when you act this way and have so much to work through. And she may be better off staying away while you do the work to find out why! AND the work to change who you are. Where do you live that you can get into a therapist in 2 days LOL, it's a 3 month minimum wait here to even get an appointment. Edited July 17, 2022 by Brian1223 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 17, 2022 Share Posted July 17, 2022 2 hours ago, Smokedoa said: I haven’t gone to Councling yet I’ve been looking for one and calling different place. Alcoholics Anonymous is free and everywhere. Try that to start. Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Be frank about the drinking. Rule out physical problems. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 17, 2022 Author Share Posted July 17, 2022 7 hours ago, Alpacalia said: It has been a lesson in cause and effect for you. The cause was neglect. Relationship breakdown was the effect. If you do not want a breakup, do not neglect. The majority of women don't trust men who claim to have changed. She won't believe you unless you bring about consistent change over months, if not years. Do you want answers? Do you want to know exactly how to win her back? Then look in the mirror and ask yourself the right questions first. Forget about your ego and look at what you did to fail her to the point that you're now scrambling to learn how to win her back! It’s clear to me what I have done to her and how I much I have broke her heart,I’ll spend the rest of my life making this up to her,I will become the best version of myself and become the best man of her dreams,I know it will take time and I know it’s not as easy as words but actions will set me free,that’s all I can do Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 17, 2022 Author Share Posted July 17, 2022 8 hours ago, S2B said: Two weeks and you haven’t found and seen a therapist yet? dude, you should have been in an office within two days! two weeks is like… way too long when you intend to show her you are willing to make effort to change. when you say you are doing something - do it NOW. You need to find out why you drank to excess. Why you felt it was ok to treat her disrespectfully while drunk. Why you are so angry you drink that much to get numb. you have issues. She shouldn’t want to be with you when you act this way and have so much to work through. And she may be better off staying away while you do the work to find out why! AND the work to change who you are. You are right I should already be in therapy,I’m in rolling somewhere on Monday Ive been going to church and praying day and night that has been my therapy,that has been my strength we are actually doing good with each other the last couple of days so I think she coming around therapy,time,church,hope,faith and hard work! I know we were meant for each other so I have faith! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 17, 2022 Author Share Posted July 17, 2022 9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Yes, it can. This is out of your control. You have to work on changing your narrative. You don't want a break-up, but that doesn't mean it won't or can't happen. It is her prerogative to go if she chooses. As the others have pointed out, she sounds like she's at the end of her rope with you. You are scrambling now that you realize she is not joking around, and she might leave you, but letters and baths are not enough to save this. Such gestures are not helpful at a time like this. While it's not your intention, it can come across as manipulative to someone who feels their needs haven't been heard and now suddenly you're paying attention. I would therefore stop with the romantic moves. That isn't what's important right now. What is more important is that you stick to your plan of not drinking and get yourself into therapy. That's all you can do. If she wants to leave, you will have little option but to respect her choice and let her go with grace and maturity. I just meant I have faith in her not leaving me when I said it can’t happen! I know in my heart that my future will be with her and yes if she does make that choice of course that’s her decision and I will respect that she does love the romantic stuff that I have done for her,I know it’s not what is going to bring her back but I’m doing it because that’s what she deserves out of me,she told me it was sweet of me to do so. I will start therapy on Monday and I will fight for her if I didn’t do that then I never loved her in the first place,she is my everything Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 17, 2022 Share Posted July 17, 2022 Go to AA meetings. They are free and you can do the step work to help you. There are meetings around the world and most towns have one available each day. google for meetings in your area. it’s not healthy to place that much power onto your fiancé. You need to work on balance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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