My wife is thinking of leaving me

[Lotsgoingon]

I also endorse AA ... I mentioned therapist earlier because some people have ambivalent reactions to AA. But I've been in a number of 12 step groups and they can be amazing. 

The problem with praying is that there is a huge emotional and psychological element to your drinking. Prayer can be helpful of course, but you also got to get at the emotional problems. At AA, you will hear people who have a profound understanding of the emotional (sometimes biological as well) roots of the addiction.

You also need to get to a doctor ASAP to see if something is going on with your overall health. 

[Smokedoa]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

That caught my attention as well. 

It’s a habit,I’ve always referred to her as my wife

she liked when I called her wife

[Smokedoa]

4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I also endorse AA ... I mentioned therapist earlier because some people have ambivalent reactions to AA. But I've been in a number of 12 step groups and they can be amazing. 

The problem with praying is that there is a huge emotional and psychological element to your drinking. Prayer can be helpful of course, but you also got to get at the emotional problems. At AA, you will hear people who have a profound understanding of the emotional (sometimes biological as well) roots of the addiction.

You also need to get to a doctor ASAP to see if something is going on with your overall health. 

Yes I was thinking of making an appointment for the doctor as well

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Smokedoa said:

It’s a habit,I’ve always referred to her as my wife

she liked when I called her wife

Do you and your partner have a long history of engagement?

[Smokedoa]

27 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Do you and your partner have a long history of engagement?

2 years ago, I proposed to her ,I’ve always would call her my lil wifey 

[Smokedoa]

37 minutes ago, S2B said:

What about AA meetings?

I’m going to see a therapist to figure out what is causing this deep down inside,I’ve been through a lot in my life,alcohol is definitely not gonna be a problem for me,I am 100% done! 

[Smokedoa]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

That’s good you’ll see a therapist. I hope you’ll do whatever it takes to do better for yourself.

im wondering - why haven’t you married her yet if you’ve been engaged for 2 years?

when is the wedding date?

I’m trying to fix up my debt so it doesn’t fall on her and they try to bank levy her account,I’m sure that’s what would happen

we we’re gonna get married in 2023 spring time though,I wish I could go back in time and stop myself,I screwed up! But we are getting along pretty good I think she is coming around,she’s just gonna have to see the changes are sincere and Permanent,her daughter calls me daddy I took her in as my own,her whole family loves me and is hopeful everything works out,there’s just too much for me to loose here

i made a doctors appointment to get blood work done and a check up to see where my health is and my therapist appointment will be sometime next week or so,I wish they could get me in right now but that’s just not how it works

[Smokedoa]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Did you get her an engagement ring? 
so no set date yet?

I bought her a $10,000 diamond ring and proposed to her on my birthday party that she set up for me infront of all our friends I remember the look on her face,that was the happiest day of her life she did not expect that LOL I have it all on video☺️

we don’t have a set date but we were gonna get married next year in spring

[basil67]

This drinking to excess has happened a number of times.  Why did you only listen to your girlfriend's concerns when she's at the point of leaving you?   You don't have to answer me, but this will undoubtedly be one of the issues she's trying to address

[Alpacalia]

I was about to say that two years for an engagement seems long.

In mine (at the time), we set a one-year period, so it's a smart idea of you to put your affairs in order first.

I'm pretty sure, before she walks down the aisle, she'll want to see some major changes in the way all of this is going to be handled in the future?

 

Edited July 19, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Smokedoa]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

This drinking to excess has happened a number of times.  Why did you only listen to your girlfriend's concerns when she's at the point of leaving you?   You don't have to answer me, but this will undoubtedly be one of the issues she's trying to address

That’s a good question and one that I ask myself everyday! I tend to learn things the hard way and should have got this under control after the first time 

[Smokedoa]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I was about to say that two years for an engagement seems long.

In mine (at the time), we set a one-year period, so it's a smart idea of you to put your affairs in order first.

Probably, before walking down the aisle, she will want to see some major shifts in the way things are going to be?

Yea I definitely wanna marry that girl one day,that will be the happiest day of my life she will never see that side of me again I’ll tell you that much!!!

[Smokedoa]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

Do you both work full time?

can you each support yourselves individually - on your own?

what plans have been set in stone for the spring wedding? A date? Guest list? Location paid for? Did she buy a dress? Have you both asked your wedding party people to attend? 

She owns a Litigation business and another superintendent for a plumbing company and we haven’t really gone too far into making a date on the wedding yet [ ]

Edited July 19, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
typo

[Smokedoa]

24 minutes ago, S2B said:

Together? Can you each support yourselves IF you aren’t together?

it’s hard to understand why this info is so hard to obtain.

Yea we can support ourselves 

[Smokedoa]

6 minutes ago, S2B said:

Ok, so what is your plan to eliminate that debt and begin planning the wedding?

any gal that has been “engaged” for two years has past the time where they expected to “be married”.

why not elope if the wedding could be done that way and money be spent eliminating debt?

 

We were talking about eloping and having a big wedding later for memories,I’ll probably have to do a tax relief for my debt 

[Wiseman2]

Don't worry about weddings, finances or all that right now. You're doing the right thing getting to a physician for tests and addressing the blackouts and alcohol problems. She left because of this. And your health well-being and sobriety are priorities right now.

[Will am I]

On 7/16/2022 at 7:51 AM, Smokedoa said:

I made her a bath with rose pedals leading to it with candles and Champagne 

Sorry for saying so, but that was not very considerate.

Rose pedals, that's seduction stuff. Seduction is located on the path from "madly in love" to "consume the love". I don't have the idea she's up with that right now. Very different part of the road.

And champagne? When you knew she has a big problem with your drinking.

 

Forgive the harsh words but my general impression is that you're not stable and don't have yourself under control. Debt and overspending, drinking, wedding plans for the spring but they don't materialize into a concrete plan. You seem to be jumping between the various topics in your life and not getting the prioritized list very clear.

I'm not saying this to cut you down, even if it may feel so. I'm writing this with your benefit in mind.

Here's what the list looks like from my perspective:

1. emotional issues that cause anger and self harm --> reach out to your doctor and get referred to a therapist.

2. recurring episodes to consuming too much alcohol --> the root cause is probably part of item 1 on the list. But for the shorter term you can consider joining an AA meeting.

3. debt and overspending --> overspending can be a form of self harm or a way to numb yourself. I think you should take this up with the therapist as well. Reality check: a $10k engagement ring is fitting to a six figure income.

4. wanting to enter a marriage without establishing financial secutiry for your wife --> what is that, an attitude problem? Or is the financial situation just over your head and stressing you out, so you prefer not to think about it too much? (you see that a lot with people in serious debts)

5. wedding plans for next spring but without a date --> bear in mind that weddings are extremely popular post covid and every place has long waiting lists. Venues are filling their spring agendas right now. And things like a wedding dress can also have major delivery times.

 

If I step back and try to get the picture from a distance, I think you may be overstrung and close to a burnout. The apparent lack of clarity combined with the sometimes erratic behaviour and a tendency to numb yourself, it possibly points in that direction.

Edited July 19, 2022 by Will am I

[Smokedoa]

7 hours ago, S2B said:

Why can’t YOU pay your debt? Why would the tax payors contribute to your debt? You make money = you pay your own debt.

Well I’m not sure how it all works but I also have a tax lady that’s says she can help me as well

[Smokedoa]

23 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Sorry for saying so, but that was not very considerate.

Rose pedals, that's seduction stuff. Seduction is located on the path from "madly in love" to "consume the love". I don't have the idea she's up with that right now. Very different part of the road.

And champagne? When you knew she has a big problem with your drinking.

 

Forgive the harsh words but my general impression is that you're not stable and don't have yourself under control. Debt and overspending, drinking, wedding plans for the spring but they don't materialize into a concrete plan. You seem to be jumping between the various topics in your life and not getting the prioritized list very clear.

I'm not saying this to cut you down, even if it may feel so. I'm writing this with your benefit in mind.

Here's what the list looks like from my perspective:

1. emotional issues that cause anger and self harm --> reach out to your doctor and get referred to a therapist.

2. recurring episodes to consuming too much alcohol --> the root cause is probably part of item 1 on the list. But for the shorter term you can consider joining an AA meeting.

3. debt and overspending --> overspending can be a form of self harm or a way to numb yourself. I think you should take this up with the therapist as well. Reality check: a $10k engagement ring is fitting to a six figure income.

4. wanting to enter a marriage without establishing financial secutiry for your wife --> what is that, an attitude problem? Or is the financial situation just over your head and stressing you out, so you prefer not to think about it too much? (you see that a lot with people in serious debts)

5. wedding plans for next spring but without a date --> bear in mind that weddings are extremely popular post covid and every place has long waiting lists. Venues are filling their spring agendas right now. And things like a wedding dress can also have major delivery times.

 

If I step back and try to get the picture from a distance, I think you may be overstrung and close to a burnout. The apparent lack of clarity combined with the sometimes erratic behaviour and a tendency to numb yourself, it possibly points in that direction.

The rose pedal thing did touch her heart,she liked it,she sent a picture to her friend telling her look what I came home too,I know that wasn’t going to make up for anything but it was a start

She enjoys champagne after work everyday,so that’s why I poured her a glass next to her bath,I think everyone on here is getting the wrong idea and thinking I’m just this raging alcoholic which I’m not! Me and my fiancé both on the weekends invite friends over for a bbq or go to the lake or some kind of fun activity to break up the work week and we drink and have fun,I just recently started to randomly black out and act in the matter I have explain,not sure why but that’s why I have a referral to a therapist that I am waiting on to get this all figured out,I have no problem not drinking!!! I didn’t drink for a very long time and was a huge gym rat

when I came into her life she had some debt and I paid it all off for her,mines a little more than hers so I’ll have to seek for other options to fix my debt,I’ll get that figured out,I don’t hardly ever spend money on myself so I don’t have a spending problem,when the economy took a dive I had to survive,work was slow so bills piled up, mortgage still had to be paid 

For the wedding,we know some friends that own wineries and so that’s where we were going to have a wedding at

 

[Will am I]

Ok, things look better than they did from earlier posts.

Still a couple of red flags though.

Your alcohol habits contain at least three flags. Your fiancee's daily drinking habit is problematic because it's daily (even if the quantities are not necessarily large, daily drinking is strongly discouraged). Another flag is how having fun equates to drinking alcohol. And the weekend habits extending into a little spot in the middle of the work week, that's a waning sign too. And then there have been some episodes of binge drinking. Not saying that alcohol is ruining your lives, you're not even near that stage. But if you would repeat these statements about your alcohol patterns to someone working in addiction care, they would be not shrug it off.

I feel that the drinking is not necessarily your habit. As you say: did extended time without alcohol, blackout episodes were relatively recent. It's unclear to which extent if was her habit. But it definitely seems to be a habit that links to your relationship. If you would have two people without a drinking habit and together they do develop a drinking habit, that makes a toxic relationship pattern.

 

The story of your debt is also a more nuanced picture when you add the information about temporary loss of income during covid, I admit. But also this it not a clear blue sky. You're speaking of a debt that you might need to default on? ("other options" vs. "paid it off"). 

 

Also after reading your latest post I think stress seems to be a big factor.

 

[Smokedoa]

2 hours ago, Will am I said:

Ok, things look better than they did from earlier posts.

Still a couple of red flags though.

Your alcohol habits contain at least three flags. Your fiancee's daily drinking habit is problematic because it's daily (even if the quantities are not necessarily large, daily drinking is strongly discouraged). Another flag is how having fun equates to drinking alcohol. And the weekend habits extending into a little spot in the middle of the work week, that's a waning sign too. And then there have been some episodes of binge drinking. Not saying that alcohol is ruining your lives, you're not even near that stage. But if you would repeat these statements about your alcohol patterns to someone working in addiction care, they would be not shrug it off.

I feel that the drinking is not necessarily your habit. As you say: did extended time without alcohol, blackout episodes were relatively recent. It's unclear to which extent if was her habit. But it definitely seems to be a habit that links to your relationship. If you would have two people without a drinking habit and together they do develop a drinking habit, that makes a toxic relationship pattern.

 

The story of your debt is also a more nuanced picture when you add the information about temporary loss of income during covid, I admit. But also this it not a clear blue sky. You're speaking of a debt that you might need to default on? ("other options" vs. "paid it off"). 

 

Also after reading your latest post I think stress seems to be a big factor.

 

Thankyou for all your advice

i will definitely work on all this,my life mission right now is to work on myself and get rid of anything that is getting in my way, I’m done with alcohol for sure!!! It’s not worth it and clouds my better judgement

[Alpacalia]

Agree with @Will am I . 

In view of the fact that she consumes alcohol every day and that she was originally in debt when you met.

Did paying off her debt cause you any financial hardship?

Apart from that, how are you feeling about all the recent events?

Edited July 20, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Smokedoa]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Agree with @Will am I . 

In view of the fact that she consumes alcohol every day and that she was originally in debt when you met.

Did paying off her debt cause you any financial hardship?

Apart from that, how are you feeling about all the recent events?

No paying off her debt didn’t hurt me at all,I had money for it And her having a glass of champagne isnt a problem at all she works hard,she’s a good girl

I feel good,we are getting along really good,just I miss being able to kiss her and hold her,we’re not there yet,I think she is just waiting to see what it will be,since it’s happened so many times I just have to keep working on myself to prove to her,this time I really learned from this,I’ll do anything to get her back,I love that girl

[Smokedoa]

14 minutes ago, Smokedoa said:

No paying off her debt didn’t hurt me at all,I had money for it And her having a glass of champagne isnt a problem at all she works hard,she’s a good girl

I feel good,we are getting along really good,just I miss being able to kiss her and hold her,we’re not there yet,I think she is just waiting to see what it will be,since it’s happened so many times I just have to keep working on myself to prove to her,this time I really learned from this,I’ll do anything to get her back,I love that girl

Let me clear that up,she really didn’t owe that much just a few things we paid off with money that I inherited so we can build up her credit 

[Smokedoa]

12 minutes ago, S2B said:

I’d get your debt paid before planning a wedding.

weddings are expensive. Have you checked into the cost at the wineries you referenced?  There will be food/drinks, photographer, music etc. 

we have money saved up,and unfortunately I’m gonna have to put all that planning aside for now,until and if she takes me back and forgives me,which I have faith but it’s out of my control but when or if we continue our relationship,I’m planning on proposing to her again,kind of like a new beginning LOL if that makes since,I think she would like that