Alpacalia Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 A winer? I highly recommend that you both smash the grapes in a wine barrel together. In the woods, unclothed. 13 minutes ago, Smokedoa said: ,I’m planning on proposing to her again,kind of like a new beginning LOL if that makes since,I think she would like that Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 20, 2022 Author Share Posted July 20, 2022 16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: A winer? I highly recommend that you both smash the grapes in a wine barrel together. In the woods, unclothed. 😂😂😂 that sounds fun I’ll definitely consider that LOL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 31 minutes ago, Smokedoa said: all that planning aside for now,until and if she takes me back and forgives me Do you live together? Are you broken up? Did she leave you? You're going on about weddings, but it seems the relationship is over. All these romantic gestures are for you to attempt to manipulate her heartstrings to your favor. It sounds like she wants less of that and more consistent reliable stable respectful behavior. Sadly you're still doing what you want rather than what is requested and needed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 21, 2022 Author Share Posted July 21, 2022 6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Do you live together? Are you broken up? Did she leave you? You're going on about weddings, but it seems the relationship is over. All these romantic gestures are for you to attempt to manipulate her heartstrings to your favor. It sounds like she wants less of that and more consistent reliable stable respectful behavior. Sadly you're still doing what you want rather than what is requested and needed. Yes we live together and it’s kinda unclear of what exactly is going on but she needs time to think and we will have a talk when she’s ready,so basically I’m in the dog house for now As for the romantic gestures…. I’m not at all trying to manipulate her,just treating her the way she deserves to be treated,and being the man she fell in love with,I’ve been doing a lot of things around the house that would also make her happy and also keep me busy in my stressful times,I’m working on myself in every which way as possible,we are getting along really good right now,and I’m doing everything I need to be doing I care for this girl more than anything and I’ll I want to do is make her happy,none of this is coming from selfishness acts just my love for her,I know she is just waiting to see if I’m sincere about my changes Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 21, 2022 Share Posted July 21, 2022 (edited) 8 hours ago, Smokedoa said: 😂😂😂 that sounds fun I’ll definitely consider that LOL Just tossing around some ideas. 1 hour ago, Smokedoa said: I’ll I want to do is make her happy,none of this is coming from selfishness acts just my love for her,I know she is just waiting to see if I’m sincere about my changes It sounds like you really do. Do you and your fiancée's growth and change go hand in hand? She is right in saying that there were unhealthy, destructive habits in the past, but she is not able to force change of those habits. Ultimately, it's your decision how, when, and why to make changes. Edited July 21, 2022 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 21, 2022 Author Share Posted July 21, 2022 7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Just tossing around some ideas. It sounds like you really do. Do you and your fiancée's growth and change go hand in hand? She is right in saying that you had unhealthy, destructive habits in the past, but she is not able to force you to change those habits. Ultimately, it's your decision how, when, and why to make changes. She may not beable to force me to change but she kinda has in a way,her pulling away from me has caught my attention for sure,The thought of loosing her….She has definitely changed me in to a over all better person,not sure what you mean by hand and hand? Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 21, 2022 Share Posted July 21, 2022 14 minutes ago, Smokedoa said: She may not beable to force me to change but she kinda has in a way,her pulling away from me has caught my attention for sure Yes. Sometimes that works. 14 minutes ago, Smokedoa said: ,not sure what you mean by hand and hand? Hand-in-hand means that you and she are evolving and moving in the right direction together. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 21, 2022 Share Posted July 21, 2022 7 hours ago, Smokedoa said: Yes we live together and it’s kinda unclear of what exactly is going on but she needs time to think. Well until one of you moves out, this is a very strained situation. She already has one foot out the door. She may be buying time until she can make arrangements to move. She has probably confided in her trusted friends and family about what goes on. They're probably telling her to leave. So forget wedding planning for now. Focus on improving your physical and mental health and finances. You need a better foundation, not champagne and rose petals. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 21, 2022 Author Share Posted July 21, 2022 7 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Yes. Sometimes that works. Hand-in-hand means that you and she are evolving and moving in the right direction together. I sure hope that’s the case,we are really getting along,almost like we are just friends right now,I still sleep in another room and I can’t get hugs or kisses and I love yous but I think she is punishing me LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 21, 2022 Author Share Posted July 21, 2022 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Well until one of you moves out, this is a very strained situation. She already has one foot out the door. She may be buying time until she can make arrangements to move. She has probably confided in her trusted friends and family about what goes on. They're probably telling her to leave. So forget wedding planning for now. Focus on improving your physical and mental health and finances. You need a better foundation, not champagne and rose petals. I would be the one to leave the house as she already had this house when I moved in,her family and friends are rooting for me and they all love me and want to see us together everyone knows the relationship and love we shared before I screwed things up,I made a huge mistake that’s all,it’s fixable this relationship can be saved,I will continue to work on myself Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted July 21, 2022 Share Posted July 21, 2022 Actions speak louder than words. Quit drinking because that was the direct cause of your conflict. I understood you had a couple of times where you drank until blackout. This could be a big thing for her. Maybe her father was an alcoholic or something, I don't know. But I do know that people have their sensitivities, and something that's not a big deal to one person could be a huge deal for someone else. What these episodes might look like to your woman: "he did something that made me scared and lonely and brought up terrible memories (I'm not ready to share those memories but I feel unsafe)" "he did it again! (he toatally doesn't care or respect me at all)" "he did it a third time (I'm out)" So here's the deal: you say sorry (words) and show it by changing the behaviour (actions). Then back to words, you express that you truly realize now that you must have hurt her more than you thought. If there's any love left, this is probably where she will soften up. Let a little bit of time pass. Then you can indicate that you are worried about the survival of the relationship and you indicate that you have boundaries too. Be as respectful and loving as you can, stay away from anything that may be understood as blackmail. But you need to be able to draw a line. If the relationship doesn't show any rebound in a certain amount of time, then you will be the one to end it. This is her last wake-up call. At that point you have shown to be kind and considerate, but you also show that you're a man worthy of her respect. Either she still has the feelings and you'll be back on track, or you will draw the conclusion that your relationship had already died. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 21, 2022 Share Posted July 21, 2022 2 hours ago, Smokedoa said: I would be the one to leave the house as she already had this house when I moved in. before I screwed things up. Be clear that her family and friends are there for her, not you. Also that she probably has already confided in them about what you've been doing. Although you're desperate not to have to move out and start over, it's really up to her and romcom maneuvers won't compensate for fundamental improvements that need to be made. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 22, 2022 Share Posted July 22, 2022 16 hours ago, Smokedoa said: I sure hope that’s the case,we are really getting along,almost like we are just friends right now,I still sleep in another room and I can’t get hugs or kisses and I love yous but I think she is punishing me LOL What makes you think she is punishing you funny? Probably she's tired of hearing the nonsense, not punishing you. Rather than worry about being punished, I'd worry about losing the most significant event in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 23, 2022 Share Posted July 23, 2022 (edited) On 7/21/2022 at 1:58 PM, Smokedoa said: I can’t get hugs or kisses and I love yous but I think she is punishing me LOL I don't agree. I think she genuinely doesn't want to hug and kiss you or tell you she loves you right now. It's not "LOL." This is a woman who has got one foot out the door and is tired of this. Your wording in some of these posts suggets you aren't taking this that seriously. The "lol" and being "in the doghouse" tell me you're not getting that this might actually be the end, and not just you being in a temporary time-out. It very much looks like all of this has taken a big toll on her attraction to you and her feelings for you have slowly eroded. Forget the wedding plans for now. There may not even be a wedding to plan, so thinking of how to fund it is not relevant for the time being. Have you found a therapist yet? Edited July 23, 2022 by ExpatInItaly 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 24, 2022 Author Share Posted July 24, 2022 On 7/23/2022 at 12:39 AM, ExpatInItaly said: I don't agree. I think she genuinely doesn't want to hug and kiss you or tell you she loves you right now. It's not "LOL." This is a woman who has got one foot out the door and is tired of this. Your wording in some of these posts suggets you aren't taking this that seriously. The "lol" and being "in the doghouse" tell me you're not getting that this might actually be the end, and not just you being in a temporary time-out. It very much looks like all of this has taken a big toll on her attraction to you and her feelings for you have slowly eroded. Forget the wedding plans for now. There may not even be a wedding to plan, so thinking of how to fund it is not relevant for the time being. Have you found a therapist yet? Trust me I’m taking this very seriously,I do understand what I have done and it could all come to an end,it’s been kepping me up all night,driving me crazy all hours of the day,the only reason wedding planning keeps coming up is the reply’s on here,I know that it something that may not happen now,I have finally got me referral fin the mail for my therapist on Friday,but they are not opened till Monday,so that’s the first thing I’m doing,you have no idea how serious and how important to me this is,so if you have any suggestions that would help me possibly get my fiancé back that would be awesome Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 24, 2022 Author Share Posted July 24, 2022 On 7/21/2022 at 9:12 PM, Alpacalia said: What makes you think she is punishing you funny? Probably she's tired of hearing the nonsense, not punishing you. Rather than worry about being punished, I'd worry about losing the most significant event in your life. Wrong choice of words,I know she isn’t punishing me,I am worried about loosing her,she’s the most important thing in my life too me,any suggestions would help,from a woman’s perspective what can I do? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 24, 2022 Share Posted July 24, 2022 Woman here: remember how I asked why you didn't decide to change when she mentioned these issues previously? The reason I asked is because my ex-h ignored the things I raised and didn't take me seriously until I said I was done. He did then start to change, but by then, it was too late for me. Sorry 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 25, 2022 Author Share Posted July 25, 2022 4 hours ago, basil67 said: Woman here: remember how I asked why you didn't decide to change when she mentioned these issues previously? The reason I asked is because my ex-h ignored the things I raised and didn't take me seriously until I said I was done. He did then start to change, but by then, it was too late for me. Sorry I hope not because I really love her and I really did change,not just to get her back but because she opened up my eyes and made me see my faults and I thank her for that because I am a better man now and aware,and now I can work hard on working on myself,I’m really proud of myself actually,don’t get me wrong things don’t happen over night but consistency and hard work I will be the best version of myself that I can be and I pray that it’ll be with her Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 I wrote about how she may be feeling and you responded by talking about yourself. Do you understand this from her angle? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 We know how you view yourself, OP. How do you think she views you right now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 25, 2022 Author Share Posted July 25, 2022 5 hours ago, basil67 said: I wrote about how she may be feeling and you responded by talking about yourself. Do you understand this from her angle? I get it! Your right! I see what your saying Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smokedoa Posted July 25, 2022 Author Share Posted July 25, 2022 5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: We know how you view yourself, OP. How do you think she views you right now? She’s hurt by me and feels it’s temporary changes and doesn’t want to go through the pain again Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 21 hours ago, Smokedoa said: Wrong choice of words,I know she isn’t punishing me,I am worried about loosing her,she’s the most important thing in my life too me,any suggestions would help,from a woman’s perspective what can I do? The alcohol and blackouts aside. There may not have been a mention of it in this thread, but I am curious to know what the general theme was of the argument had with your fiancé (have you any recollection of what was said in the heat of the moment?). Changing your attitude toward her will come naturally once you start feeling better about yourself. In response to your question, there isn't much you can specifically do. It's more important that she knows that you are taking some accountability and thinking about how you can prevent it from happening again. That communicates that you care. A few hiccups are inevitable in any interdependent relationship. Some are more serious than others, while others can be recovered. In the end, it's how we handle them that counts! Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 1 hour ago, Smokedoa said: She’s hurt by me and feels it’s temporary changes and doesn’t want to go through the pain again Did she accuse you of abuse? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 10 hours ago, Smokedoa said: She’s hurt by me and feels it’s temporary changes and doesn’t want to go through the pain again I said exactly that to my ex-h when I'd run out of chances to give. Even if she does decide to give you another chance, it will be a very long time before she lets go of your history. I'm talking about years, not months. Link to post Share on other sites
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