Still hoping to find a FWB

[Girl_about_town]

I recently had my first ONS, which was not at all what I was expecting and I was completly unprepared for, and thanks to the kind help and advice I received on here, I was able to process what happened and get a clearer idea of what I am looking for (not a relationship, but also not just ONSs).

 

After that, I signed up to a different dating app (Feeld) which is geared towards people who are looking for casual sex and FWB and, with every guy I matched, I was clear from the beginning that I would prefer an ongoing FWB thing.

Yesterday, I met up with a guy who sounded promising when texting, as he was talking in terms of a continuing thing and was very clear and direct. We met up, and while it wasn't as mind-blowing as my first encounter, it was very enjoyable and I would like to see him again.

He was respectful and kind, and was quite preoccupied with making sure I was enjoying myself. He gave me many compliments and even invited me to cuddle for a bit after. 

However, when it was time to leave, he gave me a hug instead of a kiss (but then I kissed him) and he didn't mention anything about meeting up again (despite that being the premise). 

I learned my lesson from last time and I haven't contacted him, but I have been patiently waiting to hear from him and nothing so far (nearly 24hrs later)

What should I think? Is he likely not interested in an ongoing thing or is this standard post-hookup protocol? At what point would it be ok for me to contact him if he doesn't reach out?

Any advice will be greatly appreciated as I am still pretty clueless!

Edited July 16, 2022 by Girl_about_town

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Girl_about_town said:

What should I think?

I think you need to relax, and remember that there is no particular protocol on how these things go. You can't expect these guys to sign on the dotted line ahead of time and know what steps they should follow. Everyone is different. Some might set up another sex-date right away, others not. I personally never did, when I was a single lady and had a casual FWB. We had our fun, said cheerio, and then one of us would reach out again when the mood struck to see if the other was available. This was often several days or even weeks apart. 

FWB are generally much more go-with-the-flow, in my experience, and I would encourage you to adjust your expectations. Just because they agree to this ahead of time doesn't mean they will follow through, or schedule the next round like they're booking a dentist appointment. Not hearing from him in 24 hours shouldn't be cause for alarm. And sure, you can reach out to him when you feel in the mood. Just be careful not to take it personally if they don't keep in regular contact or fade out. Casual sex with someone you don't know is not the place for feelings to get involved, or you risk getting really burnt. 

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

After that, I signed up to a different dating app (Feeld) which is geared towards people who are looking for casual sex and FWB and, with every guy I matched, I was clear from the beginning that I would prefer an ongoing FWB thing.

I've never had an FWB or FB so could I be wrong, but why would you expect a man to know if he wants an ongoing thing with "you" until he meets you and hooks up with you?

It's no different from dating where you chat on line, meet in person and decide if there's enough chemistry to move forward. 

The difference is with FWB, the focus is on sex, so you have sex and then decide if there's enough there to want to continue.

He's done nothing wrong or bad here and he still may reach out, the next time he wants sex.

Next week, next month. Whenever. 

Are you sure you're emotionally cut out for this? 

You have quite a few expectations that frankly I don't think are reasonable under the circumstances.

It's FWB, not dating. 

Just my take keeping in.mind I've never had a FWB and wouldn't for the same reasons you're experiencing.

I'm not emotionally cut out for it. 

 

Edited July 16, 2022 by poppyfields

[Girl_about_town]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I've never had an FWB or FB so could I be wrong, but why would you expect a man to know if he wants an ongoing thing with "you" until he meets you and hooks up with you?

It's no different from dating where you chat on line, meet in person and decide if there's enough chemistry to move forward. 

The difference is with FWB, the focus is on sex, so you have sex and then decide if there's enough there to want to continue.

He's done nothing wrong or bad here and he still may reach out, the next time he wants sex.

Next week, next month. Whenever. 

Are you sure you're emotionally cut out for this? 

You have quite a few expectations that frankly I don't think are reasonable under the circumstances.

It's FWB, not dating. 

Just my take keeping in.mind I've never had a FWB and wouldn't for the same reasons you're experiencing.

I'm not emotionally cut out for it. 

 

😆😆 that's the million dollar question, whether I am cut out for it! I am finding out as I go. 

To be fair, I am much more relaxed this time than last, both because this wasn't such an intense experience (the last guy was incredibly handsome and acted like he was so into me, while this guy is just a bit handsome and acted far less emotionally, but was kind) and because I learnt from the last experience.

But I feel I was a bit traumatised by the last guy ghosting me, and I worry how I'm going to feel if this one does the same. If he replied and said he doesn't want to see me, I'd be ok, but if he leaves my messages on unread I may feel quite hurt again.

[Girl_about_town]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you need to relax, and remember that there is no particular protocol on how these things go. You can't expect these guys to sign on the dotted line ahead of time and know what steps they should follow. Everyone is different. Some might set up another sex-date right away, others not. I personally never did, when I was a single lady and had a casual FWB. We had our fun, said cheerio, and then one of us would reach out again when the mood struck to see if the other was available. This was often several days or even weeks apart. 

FWB are generally much more go-with-the-flow, in my experience, and I would encourage you to adjust your expectations. Just because they agree to this ahead of time doesn't mean they will follow through, or schedule the next round like they're booking a dentist appointment. Not hearing from him in 24 hours shouldn't be cause for alarm. And sure, you can reach out to him when you feel in the mood. Just be careful not to take it personally if they don't keep in regular contact or fade out. Casual sex with someone you don't know is not the place for feelings to get involved, or you risk getting really burnt. 

Ok, thanks for this, I guess then the point is that I will rarely have any kind of certainty in this type of situation whether I will see a guy again, even after a few times and even after having discussed it being an ongoing thing...

 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

I signed up to a different dating app Feeld which is geared towards people who are looking for casual sex and FWB. We met up, and while it wasn't as mind-blowing as my first encounter, it was very enjoyable and I would like to see him again.

Unfortunately indicating FWB does not make it so. Why not try a mainstream app and go on a few dates first. Casual dating doesn't mean stuck in a relationship but you seem to want more than random hookups.

[Girl_about_town]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately indicating FWB does not make it so. Why not try a mainstream app and go on a few dates first. Casual dating doesn't mean stuck in a relationship but you seem to want more than random hookups.

Yes, I definitely don't want tons of random hookups, I just want to have sex regularly with someone without a relationship. I would like someone that likes me enough to meet me more than once, otherwise my self esteem can take a hit because I start wondering what is it that they didn't like or that I could have done differently. I am working on that, by the way, and this time I am not second-guessing myself anywhere as much, but I would still be disappointed if he doesn’t want to see me again!

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

Ok, thanks for this, I guess then the point is that I will rarely have any kind of certainty in this type of situation whether I will see a guy again, even after a few times and even after having discussed it being an ongoing thing...

Exactly. 

People change their minds sometimes. You can't hold someone to it like it's some type of contractual agreement, especially before you have even had sex the first time. Even thereafter, sometimes these things fade out after a few rounds. Or he meets someone else with whom he likes the sex more. Or you do. You seem to be wanting certainty that the guy won't disappear or change his mind, but that's not how human nature works. You are not going to be shielded from ghosting just because a guy agrees it will be an ongoing thing. 

If you wouldn't able to handle a stranger who had no-strings sex with you disappearing and not replying to you anymore, do not proceed. Casual sex like this is not for the faint of heart (so to speak) You have to have pretty thick skin or be able to separate emotions from sex for it be an enjoyable experience. 

[Girl_about_town]

I have a related question that I would appreciate having some opinions on:

I am going away this week and won't be back till September. If I don't hear from him, would you recommend to text him before I leave something like: "The other day was really fun, I am going away till September but let's do it again when I am back"

Or just write to him when I am back?

[Girl_about_town]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Exactly. 

People change their minds sometimes. You can't hold someone to it like it's some type of contractual agreement, especially before you have even had sex the first time. Even thereafter, sometimes these things fade out after a few rounds. Or he meets someone else with whom he likes the sex more. Or you do. You seem to be wanting certainty that the guy won't disappear or change his mind, but that's not how human nature works. You are not going to be shielded from ghosting just because a guy agrees it will be an ongoing thing. 

If you wouldn't able to handle a stranger who had no-strings sex with you disappearing and not replying to you anymore, do not proceed. Casual sex like this is not for the faint of heart (so to speak) You have to have pretty thick skin or be able to separate emotions from sex for it be an enjoyable experience. 

Thanks, I'll keep this very much in mind. I guess I have to get used to the idea of being ghosted. I absolutely hate it though, it's rude and cowardly.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

Or just write to him when I am back?

This. I wouldn't bother putting out feelers now for something that may (or may not) happen in 1.5 months' time. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

text him before I leave something like: "The other day was really fun, I am going away till September but let's do it again when I am back"

Step  back. In September you may feel differently and have found a more desirable situation. Besides people on a sex-only app are not going to wait around for months.

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

I guess I have to get used to the idea of being ghosted. I absolutely hate it though, it's rude and cowardly.

I agree, but on a hook-up app, I would keep your expectations very low. 

It's about sex. Your feelings will be secondary to that, and some just won't care if you get hurt along the way. Be very careful here. 

 

[Versacehottie]

the thing that seems off to me is that you are expected regular contact and/or immediate contact such as 24 hours after your first hookup with this most recent guy. IMO, you need to used to the idea that contact from the person is most likely going to be random and you are not going to have certainty about it or regularity or immediacy. When you keep describing what you want all I hear is: sex boyfriend who contacts regularly like a boyfriend who compliments like a boyfriend and not necessarily an emotional connection or promise of a future (though I'm not sure you wouldn't change your mind about the emotional connection).  

I think you have to realize that people usually stay in touch and are regular and reliable because of an emotional connection and promise of the future--whether it's unknown or short.  If you say you don't want that and set that up as the premise from the beginning with others looking for a casual connection (that probably ACTUALLY mean that), I highly doubt you will hear from the guy the next day or with regularity. Maybe the next time he wants sex and then also maybe never again.  

Any of the relationships you are talking about have a "no obligations, no commitments" clause. 

Edited July 16, 2022 by Versacehottie

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Girl_about_town said:

What should I think?

To be very honest, I’m actually really concerned about this - it’s not a risk that I would be willing to take. I would not be comfortable going to a man’s home when I do not know him/having him come to my home. And, I would be very uncomfortable with the risk of getting an STD.

To each their own, I just want you to be safe. 

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

When you keep describing what you want all I hear is: sex boyfriend who contacts regularly like a boyfriend who compliments like a boyfriend and not necessarily an emotional connection or promise of a future (though I'm not sure you wouldn't change your mind about the emotional connection).

This! 

You are having casual sex with men that you do not know and expecting them to behave like a boyfriend/treat you like a girlfriend. If you want regular sex with a man who cares then you would be wise to stop having casual sex with men you don’t know. It’s not going to give you want you really want.

Edited July 16, 2022 by BaileyB

[Girl_about_town]

3 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

the thing that seems off to me is that you are expected regular contact and/or immediate contact such as 24 hours after your first hookup with this most recent guy. IMO, you would have to get used to the idea that contact from the person is most likely going to be random and you are not going to have certainty about it or regularity or immediacy. When you keep describing what you want all I hear is: sex boyfriend who contacts regularly like a boyfriend who compliments like a boyfriend and not necessarily an emotional connection or promise of a future (though I'm not sure you wouldn't change your mind about the emotional connection).  I think you have to realize that people usually stay in touch and are regular and reliable because of an emotional connection and promise of the future--whether it's unknown or short.  If you say you don't want that and set that up as the premise from the beginning, I highly doubt you will hear from the guy the next day or with regularity. Maybe the next time he wants sex and then also maybe never again.  

Any of the relationships you are talking about have a "no obligations, no commitments" clause. 

Thanks for the comment. I don't expect regular contact, I only wondered what it means if he doesn't contact.

In terms of the emotional connection, I would like a friends-with-benefits, not [ ]  so I guess there would be a light friend-like connection where you care a bit about the other person, enough not to stand them up or ghost them, but not so much that you want to date them or be exclusive, etc.

Edited July 16, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Allupinnit]

Forgive me if I am completely off the mark, but are you looking for the follow-up within 24 hours for validation?  Because a FWB is not like that.  It's wham, bam, thank you see you next time I'm horny.  

You can't go scouring hook up sites for sex and then feel that it's rude not to text afterward.  That's what casual sex is.  No commitment, no emotion, no expectations like follow-up texts.

Text him if you want but you can't feel put out if he doesn't respond.  Sex is what you both wanted.  He may also not have enjoyed the sex as much as you did and doesn't want a repeat.  It happens.

[Girl_about_town]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

To be very honest, I’m actually really concerned about this - it’s not a risk that I would be willing to take. I would not be comfortable going to a man’s home when I do not know him/having him come to my home. And, I would be very uncomfortable with the risk of getting an STD.

To each their own, I just want you to be safe. 

Thank you for your concern and advice. I can assure you that I vet the men very carefully, I make sure to know their full name, where they work, google them, etc until I have a good sense of who they are and I feel comfortable meeting them. I always meet them in a public place first for a chat and I tell someone who I'm meeting and where.

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

I don't expect regular contact, I only wondered what it means if he doesn't contact.

It means, next. 

Seriously, when you meet someone this way, the implicit understanding is that it’s just sex. There may be some social niceties before and after, but once it’s done, it’s done. 

 

[poppyfields]

It takes time to develop a friendship and to 'care.'

It's unreasonable and unrealistic to expect a man you had one hook up with to care about you and be a friend to you, that takes time and shared experiences outside of sex. 

I think you're going about this the wrong away which will attract FBs and not FWBs.

Why not get on a "friend's first" website, develop friendships first and then mutually decide to become FWB?

That would make more sense than what you're doing now.

I don't think you will find what you're seeking this way. 

 

Edited July 16, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[Girl_about_town]

3 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Forgive me if I am completely off the mark, but are you looking for the follow-up within 24 hours for validation?  Because a FWB is not like that.  It's wham, bam, thank you see you next time I'm horny.  

You can't go scouring hook up sites for sex and then feel that it's rude not to text afterward.  That's what casual sex is.  No commitment, no emotion, no expectations like follow-up texts.

Text him if you want but you can't feel put out if he doesn't respond.  Sex is what you both wanted.  He may also not have enjoyed the sex as much as you did and doesn't want a repeat.  It happens.

I don't feel it's rude that he didn't text, it just leaves me wondering what he is thinking. If he texts the next day I don't have to wonder, that's all. 😁

[Girl_about_town]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It takes time to develop a friendship and to 'care.'

It's unreasonable and unrealistic to expect a man you had one hook up with to care about you and be a friend to you, that takes time and shared experiences outside of sex. 

I think you're going about this the wrong away which will attract FBs and not FWBs.

Why not get on a "friend's first" website, develop friendships first and then mutually decide to become FWB?

That would make more sense than what you're doing now.

I don't think you will find what you're seeking that way. 

 

Everybody keeps making assumptions about what my expectations are 😆

Of course I don't expect him to be my friend after one hookup, I would hope a friendship would develop if we continue to meet and enjoy each other.

Do you know any "friends first" websites? I could try that approach if I am not successful with this app.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

I don't feel it's rude that he didn't text, it just leaves me wondering what he is thinking. If he texts the next day I don't have to wonder, that's all. 😁

The fact you're wondering suggests there is an emotional element to this.

With FWB there is no emotional element, you're not even friends at this point, you had one hook up.

There is  no friendship, no caring.  No wondering. 

You're actually just got a casual sex partner until you mutually decide to become friends which takes time. 

Edited July 16, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

I don't feel it's rude that he didn't text, it just leaves me wondering what he is thinking. If he texts the next day I don't have to wonder, that's all. 😁

But that's just it - if you're in this for casual sex, who cares what he is thinking? 

Maybe he liked it. Maybe not. He will be in touch if he wants to have sex again. If he doesn't get in touch, you can assume he doesn't want to have sex with you again. It's quite simple, really. It only becomes complicated when your emotions get involved, and when you're at that point, casual sex is not for you.