Still hoping to find a FWB

[Girl_about_town]

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

Yes we know and that is why we don't understand why you are on a hook up site looking for a FWB.  You can find a FWB on a dating site and they will also give you sex.  Just because these men are on a hook up site doesn't mean they are good in bed but probably most are the opposite.  They could be there because they struggle sexually with women, the only place they can get sex, weird sexual habits, or looking for what the site is all about which is wham, bam, thank you mam with no follow up.

To be honest, I'm on the hookup site because someone recommended it as an app where people were more likely to be open and direct with what they want, as opposed to players and womanisers who are in the dating apps pretending they want a relationship. My experience with the dating app before wasn't good so that's why I gave this one a try. We'll see how things pan out.

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

Okay this adds another twist to the story.  I was thinking you were a young girl with little to no experience sexually.  Now I see you are a grown, married woman I change my mind.  You know exactly what you're doing and what you're looking for and why, so good luck finding it.

Thank you stillafool ❤

Sorry if I gave the wrong impression, you are right that I am a grown woman but was sadly still quite inexperienced, in a way. 

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

Not really.  Men are judged harshly for this kind of behavior too because most women don't want to be involved with a man who sleeps around with multiple partners.  I'm sure you've heard the names they are called for this.  

Yes, you are right but I still think this behaviour is more accepted in men than in women.

[Girl_about_town]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

Hon, there's nothing here which should boost your confidence.  The fact that they may be employed/educated/attractive/whatever doesn't preclude them from enjoying all kinds of sex with strangers from the internet or random people they meet on nights out.   Sure, they may tell you that they aren't doing it, but it doesn't make it true.   Fact is, all it means is that they find you attractive enough to have sex with....and this is generally not a very high bar.

To be clear, have fun all you like - but don't base your confidence levels on the behaviour of randoms from the internet who would probably poke any girl who's half decent looking. 

 

Thanks basil67, I am aware that men will have sex with women that they don't find attractive, I don't base my confidence levels on these experiences alone. And I hate saying this, I am not at all a self-conceited person, but I already know I am attractive, based on a lifetime of experiences. I don't need these men to make me feel pretty.

The main point is that I am not meeting these men to boost my confidence, I am doing it to have fun and for new sexual experiences, but no matter how much everyone here disagrees, you haven't met these men yourself and how they react to me, so you can't judge whether or not it should also boost my confidence 😆

[Girl_about_town]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It depends. Are you going to be with family?  On holiday? With your estranged husband?  

It's understandable you don't want dating if you are not ready. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people.

 

Yes, I am going on holiday to visit my family. I am really not interested in a relationship for the foreseeable future.

[Girl_about_town]

9 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Is your husband aware that you have filed for divorce?

I'm not accusing you of anything.

It just seems like an awful lot of fuss to go through.

Maybe it bothers you if he were to know you're seeking this type of arrangement?

You are right that I don't want anyone to know that I am doing this. I think I would be judged harshly. That's why I turned to you guys for help, since I cannot talk to anyone else. And you've all been a great help!

I would have never done this in the past, but at this stage of my life I feel a strong need to explore. And actually,  am finding that the culture is changing quite quickly and it is far more common now for people to do this, so there are plenty of regular people on these apps.

[Girl_about_town]

7 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yup. Lots of studies showing that men will have casual sex with women considerably less attractive than themselves whereas if a woman’s going to have casual sex generally it only be with men that are more attractive than themselves. 

Are you implying I must be unattractive, weezy1973 😆

[Girl_about_town]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How long have you been single, OP? Are you and your ex still  under the same roof? 

Having casual sex is fine but it doesn't seem you're emotionally ready for it. Maybe more healing needs to take place first so that you don't become attached too quickly and don't feel traumatized if they ghost you. 

Thanks for your concern, I am keeping tabs on myself and I really don't think I become attached quickly, I haven't become attached at all to any of the men I've been with, except becoming momentarily infatuated with the first one, due to inexperience and being unprepared. But even with the first one I was clear the whole time it was just a physical thing, not attachment on an emotional level.

The fact that the ghosting affects me so much has nothing to do with being attached to them or not, it's a separate issue. It also bothers me when other people leave me on read or take very long to respond. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Girl_about_town said:

Thanks for your concern, I am keeping tabs on myself and I really don't think I become attached quickly, I haven't become attached at all to any of the men I've been with, except becoming momentarily infatuated with the first one, due to inexperience and being unprepared. But even with the first one I was clear the whole time it was just a physical thing, not attachment on an emotional level.

Attached, infatuated - whatever name it takes, it's still a big emotional risk on your part. You also describe yourself as "traumatized" by the last guy, which is a pretty strong word. That is why I believe you are not ready for these kinds of apps. You were already anxious when the recent guy didn't text you the next day, and didn't reply right away when you reached out. You're already searching for a clue that he will hold up his end of the agreement to be FWBs. That anxiety is what suggests this sort of approach probably doesn't fit well with your nature. 

And ghosting, well, it's how this sort of online hook-up culture often goes.  It is common and you would be wise to be ready for it to happen again. What will you do when it does? 

 

[Girl_about_town]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Attached, infatuated - whatever name it takes, it's still a big emotional risk on your part. You also describe yourself as "traumatized" by the last guy, which is a pretty strong word. That is why I believe you are not ready for these kinds of apps. You were already anxious when the recent guy didn't text you the next day, and didn't reply right away when you reached out. You're already searching for a clue that he will hold up his end of the agreement to be FWBs. That anxiety is what suggests this sort of approach probably doesn't fit well with your nature. 

And ghosting, well, it's how this sort of online hook-up culture often goes.  It is common and you would be wise to be ready for it to happen again. What will you do when it does? 

 

Yes, you are so right that I need to get used to ghosting because it's so common. Now that I know it and also now that I have met more guys, it starts to feel as less of a big deal. With the first guy I didn't even have a clue that it could happen. But perhaps traumatised is a bit exaggerated, what I meant by it is that the first experience, where the night itself was wonderful and then I wrote to the guy several times and he left me on unread each time, made me anxious while waiting for the second guy to reply (he left me on unread for 8 hours) as it started to feel like reliving the first experience again.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

Yes, you are so right that I need to get used to ghosting because it's so common

That's why I asked, what are you going to do to manage your feelings of anxiety or rejection when it happens again? 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Girl_about_town said:

Thanks basil67, I am aware that men will have sex with women that they don't find attractive, I don't base my confidence levels on these experiences alone. And I hate saying this, I am not at all a self-conceited person, but I already know I am attractive, based on a lifetime of experiences. I don't need these men to make me feel pretty.

The main point is that I am not meeting these men to boost my confidence, I am doing it to have fun and for new sexual experiences, but no matter how much everyone here disagrees, you haven't met these men yourself and how they react to me, so you can't judge whether or not it should also boost my confidence 😆

I'm only reacting to what you've written.  Perhaps there are things they are doing which would make any woman feel good...you just haven't described it

[Girl_about_town]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's why I asked, what are you going to do to manage your feelings of anxiety or rejection when it happens again? 

Well, to begin with I am going to spend the next month working on myself and my family, continuing the therapy, meditation, etc.

Then in September, before I write I will already get used to the idea and actually expect that they will leave it in unread, so if they don't it will be a positive surprise. 

Also, I already have a couple of other men I've been chatting with who know I am away till September, so if these two fall through and I am still interested in exploring, I can contact them.

 Any other tips of what I could do?

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

 Any other tips of what I could do?

Make sure you don't expect them treat you like they care about you once you're out the door.  These guys are random internet hookups...if you can take this at face value, you'll be fine. 

[Girl_about_town]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm only reacting to what you've written.  Perhaps there are things they are doing which would make any woman feel good...you just haven't described it

I can't describe my encounters in detail on here 😅 but I can tell you that they have all been very positive and enjoyable and all the men were passionate, respectful, complimenting me and very concerned with making sure I was enjoying myself.

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

I can't describe my encounters in detail on here 😅 but I can tell you that they have all been very positive and enjoyable and all the men were passionate, respectful, complimenting me and very concerned with making sure I was enjoying myself.

It's great that they are good in the bedroom.  But it's been the post coital connection which has had you concerned. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

Yes, you are right but I still think this behaviour is more accepted in men than in women.

No, I think it is more expected in men than in women.

[Girl_about_town]

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's great that they are good in the bedroom.  But it's been the post coital connection which has had you concerned. 

Yes, I guess putting together everything that has been said on this thread already, what I experienced with this men has more meaning if they actually want to see me again, doesn't it?

So, while I enjoy the experience as is, and I would be fine if it ends up being a one off, I would prefer that they want to see me again because:

1) then it could become a FWB, which is what I would prefer rather than many ONS and

2) If they want a repeat then it's more likely that they meant everything on the first encounter

Edited July 20, 2022 by Girl_about_town

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

1) then it could become a FWB, which is what I would prefer rather than many ONS and

Can I ask, why you prefer to search for a FWB on a hook up site rather than a dating site?

[Girl_about_town]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Can I ask, why you prefer to search for a FWB on a hook up site rather than a dating site?

I said it above:

2 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

To be honest, I'm on the hookup site because someone recommended it as an app where people were more likely to be open and direct with what they want, as opposed to players and womanisers who are in the dating apps pretending they want a relationship. My experience with the dating app before wasn't good so that's why I gave this one a try. We'll see how things pan out.

 

 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

Are you implying I must be unattractive, weezy1973 😆

No, just that casual sex with men should impact your confidence about as much as going to a massage therapist does. Feels good, but no impact on your confidence or emotional state really at all. The fact this thread even exists shows that you’re not  in that state, regardless of how much you try to convince us and yourself you are. 

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

To be honest, I'm on the hookup site because someone recommended it as an app where people were more likely to be open and direct with what they want, as opposed to players and womanisers who are in the dating apps pretending they want a relationship. My experience with the dating app before wasn't good so that's why I gave this one a try. We'll see how things pan out.

What wasn't good about your experience on the dating app?  Also what difference does it make if those guys were womanizers and not really wanting a relationships?  Neither do you.  I'm sure there's a lot worse on sexual hook up sites.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

The main point is that I am not meeting these men to boost my confidence, I am doing it to have fun and for new sexual experiences,

And if this is the case…

 

30 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

2) If they want a repeat then it's more likely that they meant everything on the first encounter

Why does this even matter? 

[Girl_about_town]

20 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

And if this is the case…

 

Why does this even matter? 

It is just an added bonus if it happens

[Girl_about_town]

27 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What wasn't good about your experience on the dating app?  Also what difference does it make if those guys were womanizers and not really wanting a relationships?  Neither do you.  I'm sure there's a lot worse on sexual hook up sites.

I am not looking for a real relationship but a FWB, which is a kind of relationship compared to just ONSs. 

Do you have experience with Feeld? Other sexual hookup sites?

So far my experience hasn't been bad but I will consider other apps if things don't work out in the future. But to be honest, from what I hear there are plenty of guys just looking for hookups on the dating apps, the guys I chatted with on Hinge were all like that.

[Girl_about_town]

58 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

No, just that casual sex with men should impact your confidence about as much as going to a massage therapist does. Feels good, but no impact on your confidence or emotional state really at all. The fact this thread even exists shows that you’re not  in that state, regardless of how much you try to convince us and yourself you are. 

I am not trying to convince anyone that I am in a perfect mental state for this, quite the contrary, I have been open about having some self-esteem issues and I started therapy to address them. But I also don't want this to hold me back at this point. I am learning about myself and how this works, with your help as well, and I will see how it goes. 

Edited July 20, 2022 by Girl_about_town

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

Do you have experience with Feeld? Other sexual hookup sites?

Ashley Madison is geared toward married people who obviously want discreet sex without messy relationships.

If you are avoiding relationships but would like discreet uncomplicated sex, a site for 'married but looking' may serve your needs.