Poppyfields is Getting Married

[poppyfields]

As some of you know, I'm getting married next month, on August 13th. 

I'm not "in love" with him (I don't think) but I DO love him, he loves me, he understands my, at times, dualistic and unpredictable nature, he's my physical type, he's successful and I feel safe and protected with him. 

But I don't feel butterflies, and that crazy "longing" feeling.

But I respect him tons and it's "comfortable" for lack of a better word. 

Our sexual chemisrty is also strong but he has an amazing sexy physique and this is where I'm sort of struggling. Please hear me out. 

For me, sex has always been about emotions and how strongly I felt about a man emotionally.

It was always this crazy, passionate, longing, missing, craving feeling that made sex so hot for me. 

With my fiance, there is none of that.  It's comfortable and everything mentioned above, but if I'm honest, it's his physical hotness that is driving me sexually. 

And tbh if he were lose that hotness, I'm not so sure I would still be sexually attracted!

Is this normal?  

For those of you in long term marriages, what drives you sexually?  

How do you maintain sexual attraction and passion for someone (your partner) you feel so "comfortable" with? 

I think in the past, what I may have been feeling was "longing" because even in LTRs, my boyfriends were always a little bit out of reach.  

There was a lot of distance, either through traveling or them needing their lone time and my adjusting.  

But I always loved that longing, missing feeling, and I miss NOT feeling this way. 

My fiance has his own small business which takes up a tremendous amount of time but nevertheless I don't feel that "longing" feeling, and not sure if I should be?

I AM going to marry him, I made that decision, he's the best man for me and I'm the best woman for him, I'm just struggling a bit with these conflicting feelings of "longing" versus "loving."

Any insight you could provide would be appreciated.

Thanks guys. 

 

 

[Happy Lemming]

First off... Congrats!!  YEA!!

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 It's comfortable...

In my opinion, this being "comfortable" happens as we get older and more mature.

The "crazy hot" sex we had in our twenties becomes that nice comfortable sex we have in our forties and above.

There is nothing wrong with being comfortable (in bed) with your partner.  You are just getting older and more mature. Relax and enjoy!!

 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm getting married next month, on August 13th. 

Congrats. Do we call you Mrs. Poppyfields after that? Relax maybe you have prewedding nerves.

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

First off... Congrats!!  YEA!!

In my opinion, this being "comfortable" happens as we get older and more mature.

The "crazy hot" sex we had in our twenties becomes that nice comfortable sex we have in our forties and above.

There is nothing wrong with being comfortable (in bed) with your partner.  You are just getting older and more mature. Relax and enjoy!!

 

I know but like I said, I miss NOT experiencing that longing, missing feeling.  

Not sure if it's an age thing, but agree it may be a maturity thing. 

Or a sign that I shouldn't get married sort of thing?

I AM getting married though, not gonna break another engagement and I KNOW I wouid regret it because he's so "right" for me in so many ways and I care about and love him tons. 

I've watched the Esther Perez video "How to Maintain Desire in a Long Term Relationship" and it's helped some. 

But I still struggle. 

Anyway, thanks Lemming. 💛

[Happy Lemming]

Since you did not specify a year, should I assume you are getting married next month??  If so, how long have you known this gentleman??  A couple of months??

Are both of you OK with a short engagement??

For the record, my parents married after knowing each other for 3 months... married 60+ years. 

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Since you did not specify a year, should I assume you are getting married next month??  If so, how long have you known this gentleman??  A couple of months??

Are both of you OK with a short engagement??

For the record, my parents married after knowing each other for 3 months... married 60+ years. 

We met and have been dating since Feb 13 this year so it will be exactly six months. 

But it just feels right, we've both been though a lot, and ready.

I think I'm just scared tis all, I cannot imagine him not in my life. 💞

[Happy Lemming]

So where are you going for your honeymoon??  Is he going to be able to get some time away from his business??

[basil67]

Congratulations Poppy!   I'm glad you found a good man.

To answer your question, menopause has been unkind to me.....but when my hormones were still functioning, my sex drive was driven by emotional connection. Nothing more sexy than making each other laugh.  Or the way he smiles.   Having that long lasting emotional connection is what's sustained our sex life for so many years.  

In terms of 'longing' I know what you mean.  I still look forward to him coming home.  Whether it be from a boys weekend or hours on the golf course, I just love having him around.   Not in a needy kind of way, it's more like the home feels complete when we're together.

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, basil67 said:

In terms of 'longing' I know what you mean.  I still look forward to him coming home.  Whether it be from a boys weekend or hours on the golf course, I just love having him around.   Not in a needy kind of way, it's more like the home feels complete when we're together. 

Thanks @basil67.

Yes we are emotionally connected in the same way you and your hubs are and when he comes home, I start feeling very comforted and safe in his presence. 

With the sexual longing, I always associated that with a bit of angst. 

But I don't feel angst with my fiance, I feel safe!

My sexual desire stems from him being so physically fit in just the way I like, it's more physical than emotional. 

I dunno it's difficult to explain if you've never felt the uncertainty and angst I always felt.

I was in a 6 year relationship and a 3 year relationship where I felt this angst. 

Emotionally unavailable men but I think I was too at the time otherwise I would not have stayed. 

So it's a big change for me and while I wouldn't trade it for anything, I do miss those angsty anxious feelings that resulted in all the sexual longing.

My background is I was raised by an emotionally distant and sometimes abusive mom and my entire childhood was filled with anxiety and angst pretty much 24/7 so it's familiar to me.

 

 

Edited July 16, 2022 by poppyfields

[FMW]

Congratulations!  

My guy and I are in our fifties.  I wouldn't describe our connection as hot or passionate (like I experienced in younger years), but I most definitely find him sexy.  We've been together a few years but I find myself just looking at him and thinking "wow" even more than I did when we first met.  That has come from developing a deeper relationship and truly appreciating each other.  But then sometimes I look at him and secretly roll my eyes at him acting like a 16 year old boy 🙂.  We're quarantining together right now due to our both having COVID.  Even in these less than optimal appeal times I still have moments of thinking he's kind of beautiful.  I do occasionally feel the 'longing" if we've been apart several days. 

A good fit is different for all of us.  As long as you aren't just pushing forward out of stubbornness or resignation from being tired of dating (which had a lot to do with how I got into my former 23 year marriage), don't get hung up on how it's supposed to be.  And keep in mind the passionate and longing relationships from your past only lasted for a while.   So obviously those feelings aren't indicative of a lasting union.  You might just have the right ingredients this time.  

[poppyfields]

Just now, FMW said:

And keep in mind the passionate and longing relationships from your past only lasted for a while.   So obviously those feelings aren't indicative of a lasting union.  You might just have the right ingredients this time.  

Thanks!!!

I'm hoping you're right and this is simply me being unfamiliar with it and as such questioning it. 

All I know is I respect and admire him so much.

He's taught me so much about what love and commitment is, he doesnt play games, he's real and strong and I feel so safe, that is such a great feeling!  

I got so used to feeling "unsafe," I thought it was normal. I learned to embrace that feeling, it was crazy when I think about it. 

I even used to advise those here to do same!

"Embrace the uncertainty" was something I advised often, what a load of BS that was!  LOL

Thanks so much, all your contributions were so helpful.

I think we're gonna have a really good night! 💛

[basil67]

Hi Poppy, I like your description of the sexual longing connected with angst.  No, that's not something I've experienced.  And now that you mention it, part of the reason I continue to have feelings and desire is that I feel safe and valued.  Knowing that you also feel this way, I think you're on a good path ❤️

[Alpacalia]

I like the safe and valued description.

That has really been my experience in long-term relationships, except one, and it is a wonderful feeling.

It is my hope that you will continue to feel that way for years to come!

Congrats, again.

Edited July 16, 2022 by Alpacalia

[mark clemson]

Congrats, Poppyfields!

[Lauriebell82]

Congrats poppyfield! Very very happy for you! 

I think being with someone long term means despite their appearance changing, you still see them as the same person as when you first met. That's always been the case for me, anyway. It's like looking at the same exact person they were years ago. And it's being attracted to their inner attributes and love them for who they are inside which kind of drives the outer attraction still. Plus, appearance (even over a lifetime) changes pretty slowly when you are with someone very longterm. You don't tend to notice someone looking different when you see them so often. They just kind of look like their normal self because it happens at such a slow pace. 

Edited July 17, 2022 by Lauriebell82

[Mrin]

Hey they pops! Congratulations!

Two random ideas:

1. How's the physical sex compared to past relationships? Is it on par orgasm wise? Is he as skillful of a lover?

2. Something totally different to try on. Building on what you've said so far... Every relationship is unbalanced in every aspect. One party is more committed than the other. One party wants to spend more time together than the other party. One party wants sex more than the other party. One party is more in love than the other party. The gap between the two can be miniscule to gaping. But it's always there because it has to be there. Being human is messy and organic and analog. It is impossible to be 100 the exact same on anything. One is always more than the other.

So - let's equate each aspect to "hunger" to make it easier to understand. Well by definition the less hungry party is always full. And if we stop there then the hungrier party is always still hungry. For the hungrier party to feel full, we have to overstuff the less hungry party. But fundamentally one party is coming from a place of scarcity and the other party is coming from a place of abundance. 

What I would say here is I think you are used to being the hungrier party. And now the roles are reversed. That hunger that you're used to feeling drove your emotions and therefore your sexual attraction.

Does any of this feel right to you?

Take me for example I'm typically the opposite. I'm the less hungry party on most things. And so my perspective is typically one of abundance not scarcity. And I can tell you that the times where that's been the opposite have been disorienting to me.

[Lauriebell82]

54 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Hey they pops! Congratulations!

Two random ideas:

1. How's the physical sex compared to past relationships? Is it on par orgasm wise? Is he as skillful of a lover?

2. Something totally different to try on. Building on what you've said so far... Every relationship is unbalanced in every aspect. One party is more committed than the other. One party wants to spend more time together than the other party. One party wants sex more than the other party. One party is more in love than the other party. The gap between the two can be miniscule to gaping. But it's always there because it has to be there. Being human is messy and organic and analog. It is impossible to be 100 the exact same on anything. One is always more than the other.

So - let's equate each aspect to "hunger" to make it easier to understand. Well by definition the less hungry party is always full. And if we stop there then the hungrier party is always still hungry. For the hungrier party to feel full, we have to overstuff the less hungry party. But fundamentally one party is coming from a place of scarcity and the other party is coming from a place of abundance. 

What I would say here is I think you are used to being the hungrier party. And now the roles are reversed. That hunger that you're used to feeling drove your emotions and therefore your sexual attraction.

Does any of this feel right to you?

Take me for example I'm typically the opposite. I'm the less hungry party on most things. And so my perspective is typically one of abundance not scarcity. And I can tell you that the times where that's been the opposite have been disorienting to me.

I totally agree with this!!! I am used to being with men who are less "hungry." The few times I dated men who were more hungry for me then I was, something happened to me. It's like I was a little turned off because I am used to being attracted to men who, I don't know maybe leave a little bit of mystery on the table? I feel like I'm way more attracted to guys who don't show all of their cards, vs guys who are completely and 100% open all of the time. Why this is, I'm not sure. 

Myself, I'm the more hungry person. But I flip and become the less hungry when faced with a man who is an open book! It's quite perplexing. 

[stillafool]

Congratulations Poppy!   I'm so happy for you guys.   It's rare to find everything you desire in 1 partner.  Be happy if you get 90% of what you want.

[vla1120]

Congratulations, poppyfields! Be happy that the two of you check off so many boxes for one another. For the sex thing, when it starts to feel mundane for you, try to spice it up a little bit in whatever way works for you. Watch a little porn together, compare fantasies, role play, sexy lingerie, get one (or two) of those sex games, etc. 

When he meets everything else in life that you're looking for, I think you can  easily spice up the sex life as necessary. 

Again, congratulations!!

[Weezy1973]

On 7/16/2022 at 11:27 AM, poppyfields said:

And tbh if he were lose that hotness, I'm not so sure I would still be sexually attracted!

Is this normal? 

 

I'm not sure there is such a thing as "normal". But I will say comparing relationships is generally a bad idea. Each relationship is unique in it's own right as we were at different life stages. Just because there was more intensity in a previous relationship doesn't mean that's better in any way.

 

On 7/16/2022 at 11:27 AM, poppyfields said:

For those of you in long term marriages, what drives you sexually? 

How do you maintain sexual attraction and passion for someone (your partner) you feel so "comfortable" with? 

 

My wife and I are very sexually compatible, in that we enjoy the same sexual acts. We also have similar sex drives and what I'd call sexual sensibilities. For us sex is important, but not the be all end all. We can have sex multiple times a weeks, and sometimes go weeks without, especially since we've had a child. And that's fine with both of us. For some people the idea of going weeks without sex is unfathomable.

 

Because we have sexual compatibility and chemistry the anticipation of having sex itself is the driver of the attraction. And having an unpredictable three year old running around limits the opportunities to have sex, so sex becomes an opportunity for emotional connection as well and that drives a lot of our desire too. In other words, a lot of the sexual attraction and passion come from within rather than being caused by my wife. I want to have sex regardless of what she looks like. She does happen to be my physical type as well, but the impact that has after years of marriage is much less than it was at the beginning of the relationship. I think that's pretty normal. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Congrats!

My view is that attraction just needs to be strong enough that you don't feel like you're putting in work or drudgery or errands when spending time with the person. 

With attraction being "enough," the relationship then just depends on all the other elements of connection. Without attraction, the other elements can be excellent and still people run into problems. 

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, Mrin said:

What I would say here is I think you are used to being the hungrier party. And now the roles are reversed. That hunger that you're used to feeling drove your emotions and therefore your sexual attraction.

Yes!!  This makes a ton of sense!  

Except to say that I was also quite adept at shifting the tide, meaning I knew when to distance which resulted in my boyfriends becoming the hungrier partner. 

But it was a game, disingenuous, dishonest and exhausting emotionally.

But yes, for the most part I was the hungrier partner. 

With my fiancé, I would say he is hungrier, naturally.  No game playing from me necessary.

This is new to me, unfamiliar.  And learning how to navigate these unfamiliar emotions within myself. 

Thank you so much for your thoughts @Mrin, so very helpful. 

 

[poppyfields]

Thanks guys!  I'd just like to say that I am not turned off by him in the least! 

I crave him sexually, he's just too damn sexy for me not to be!   😻

I just don't feel the same emotional pull sexually with him like I did in previous relationships where I was the one longing for and hungry for him.

And as @Mrinsaid, the hunger that I was used to feeling drove my emotions and my sexual attraction.

But our sex life is amazing, we connect physically and are totally compatible.

Simply put, there is no longing, no hunger in this regard, I feel safe emotionally.  Which I love!  Wouldn't trade it for anything! 

And these are new waters for me, that's all.

Thanks again! 

 

[max3732]

Don't have any advice on your question, but just wanted to say congratulations!

[Alpacalia]

Having sexual attraction to your fiancé' is a positive sign.

I wouldn't consider it a good idea to enter marriage if that weren't the case.

The comment about the history of failed engagements mentioned struck me.

Does that represent a positive or negative development for this relationship for you?