Poppyfields is Getting Married

[Eternal Sunshine]

Congrats Poppy!

From my experience, most married people I know had the feelings you describe. They didn't marry their #1 most "in love" partner they ever had. And those that did had mixed results in terms of long term compatibility. I think it's a very wise decision, especially if you want to have kids.

Also, women can more easily fall in love with someone over time if they are treated well. So you may experience it later down the line. I have friends that weren't "in love" at 6 months point but they are "in love" at 6 years...

[Wiseman2]

On 7/16/2022 at 2:27 PM, poppyfields said:

As some of you know, I'm getting married next month, on August 13th. I'm not "in love" with him but I DO love him, 

So is it a black tie, barefoot on the beach or Vegas chapel type of wedding?

Are your friends and family invited?  How do your friends and family feel about it? Have you all met each other? Do you already live together or are you saving that for after the marriage?

[stillafool]

On 7/16/2022 at 3:05 PM, poppyfields said:

I AM getting married though, not gonna break another engagement and I KNOW I wouid regret it because he's so "right" for me in so many ways and I care about and love him tons. 

Were you in love with the other ones?

[poppyfields]

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

The comment about the history of failed engagements mentioned struck me.

Does that represent a positive or negative development for this relationship for you?

Hi @Alpacalia, I don't know quite what you mean by the above, but will answer anyway hoping it will clarify. 

I've been engaged 3x before, I broke them all for different reasons but in retrospect it was for the best. 

Often times, it takes getting engaged to recognize certain problems and issues, which until then were shoved under the rug.

That's how it was for me anyway. Sort of like being in denial about certain things and getting engaged, the reality of forever, woke me up.  

With my now fiancé it feels more right.  I've grown up and matured as well. 

It's different from the others but as @FMWsaid, I might just have the right ingredients this time!  ❤

 

Edited July 18, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

Were you in love with the other ones?

To be honest @stillafoolI'm not even sure what being "in love" means. 

I thought so at the time but in retrospect I now realize it was "longing" I felt, and maybe a sort of temporary insanity like M. Scott Peck wrote in his book "A Road Less Traveled."

It was fleeting, not sustainable long-term.  And I think I knew that too. 

With my fiancé it's different.  It feels safe and peaceful while at the same time, I'm incredibly attracted to him!

I think this is what love is!  Versus those crazy, missing, longing feelings.

Hope that clarifies a bit, tbh it's difficult to put into words. 

We are off to his bungalow in the mountains this weekend so probably won't be checking in. 

But thank you all so much for your insight and well wishes.  

I will check in when we're back. 

Edited July 18, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

7 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

Congrats Poppy!

From my experience, most married people I know had the feelings you describe. They didn't marry their #1 most "in love" partner they ever had. And those that did had mixed results in terms of long term compatibility. I think it's a very wise decision, especially if you want to have kids.

Also, women can more easily fall in love with someone over time if they are treated well. So you may experience it later down the line. I have friends that weren't "in love" at 6 months point but they are "in love" at 6 years...

Thanks for this ES!!!

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

So is it a black tie, barefoot on the beach or Vegas chapel type of wedding?

Are your friends and family invited?  How do your friends and family feel about it? Have you all met each other? Do you already live together or are you saving that for after the marriage?

Very small gathering at his sister's house, outside.  Very casual. 

No "honeymoon" per se, we often take small trips here and there but no nothing formal. 

No we do not live together now. 

My brothers LOVE him and believe he's the best man for me and trust me they are very harsh critics. 

They disliked my previous boyfriends.

My parents are both deceased. 

Gotta run, ciao guys and thanks again! 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

My question relates to whether or not broken engagements factors into your attraction to this man for your future spouse after five months.

54 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I've been engaged 3x before, I broke them all for different reasons but in retrospect it was for the best. 

Yes.

My memory recalls the last one you posted.

Drug or alcohol addiction, verbal abuse, etc.?

I have never been married. It is not my place to offer you marriage advice. It is my general belief, however, that the timing, the right person, and the right environment are in alignment. Are you both motivated by love - or by circumstances or agendas? Naturally, it will all come together if you are confident that this man is in the right frame of mind.

Having the same values, wanting the same things for the relationship as you do, naturally agreeing on how to get them, and having a mutual depth of love and desire for one another.

Edited July 18, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Very small gathering at his sister's house, outside.  Very casual. 

Sounds perfect. Enjoy your special day.

[Acacia98]

Congratulations, @poppyfields. I have absolutely no advice to give. But I'm happy for you.

[Els]

On 7/17/2022 at 4:27 AM, poppyfields said:

As some of you know, I'm getting married next month, on August 13th. 

I'm not "in love" with him (I don't think)

But I don't feel butterflies, and that crazy "longing" feeling.

With my fiance, there is none of that.  It's comfortable and everything mentioned above, but if I'm honest, it's his physical hotness that is driving me sexually. 

And tbh if he were lose that hotness, I'm not so sure I would still be sexually attracted!

Is this normal?  

I've been with my husband for 15 years, FWIW.

IMO, this is quite concerning. Especially when we're talking about a (hopefully) lifelong commitment - people's physical appearances inevitably change with time. I would never encourage anyone to rely on that for a marriage.

The other things you've mentioned are good, but if you aren't in love, you are friends. Friends can and do get married, but don't expect it to be more than what it is - a marriage with a friend.

Quote

For those of you in long term marriages, what drives you sexually?  

How do you maintain sexual attraction and passion for someone (your partner) you feel so "comfortable" with?

Probably sounds a bit corny , but what drives me sexually is my attraction towards his personality. The "in-love" feeling, as you say. It has ebbed and flowed over the years, but it has never disappeared. We are comfortable with each other, but that is not mutually exclusive with passion.

I understand that you've said you are getting married regardless, so I'm not going to talk you out of it. I do wish you all the best.

Edited July 18, 2022 by Elswyth

[Myabee]

On 7/16/2022 at 2:27 PM, poppyfields said:

With my fiance, there is none of that.  It's comfortable and everything mentioned above, but if I'm honest, it's his physical hotness that is driving me sexually. 

And tbh if he were lose that hotness, I'm not so sure I would still be sexually attracted!

Is this normal?  

How long have you been engaged? I would think if you have been together awhile say a few years or more yes this would be kinda like that honeymoon phase in a relationship is now comfortable. I guess it depends on if comfortable and roomy works for both of you? 

Congrats. 
 

 

Edited July 18, 2022 by Myabee

[Wiseman2]

On 7/16/2022 at 2:27 PM, poppyfields said:

if he were lose that hotness, I'm not so sure I would still be sexually attracted!

Include in your vows "I promise to love you even if you develop a dadbod one day". 👰🤵

[Alpacalia]

You can have both.

Hotness + feeling valued and safe.

It's the best of both worlds. 😉

[Trail Blazer]

@poppyfields

I haven't been around much for a while, and I haven't seen you around for a while, either.  I wasn't sure if you were still around.

I log on, see this post and I'm like, "Whaaa! That's awesome!"

So, first things first, congratulations!  I really didn't see this coming!  It sounds like he really must be the man for you if you're ready to tie the knot.

I don't know what to advise you regarding your feelings about physical/emotional ties to sex.  Let me say, we can only hope that bro just keeps lifting well into the future! 

All the best for you big day.  I hope you have an amazing wedding and honeymoon! 

[poppyfields]

17 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

Congrats Poppy!

From my experience, most married people I know had the feelings you describe. They didn't marry their #1 most "in love" partner they ever had. And those that did had mixed results in terms of long term compatibility. I think it's a very wise decision, especially if you want to have kids.

Also, women can more easily fall in love with someone over time if they are treated well. So you may experience it later down the line. I have friends that weren't "in love" at 6 months point but they are "in love" at 6 years...

Just chiming back to say once again to ES, thank you! And to clarify that I know I LOVE him, in so many ways that I cannot even describe.  And our sex life is awesome so we are definitely DEFINITELY more than "friends."

It's just that in the past, I associated being "in love" with longing, wanting and missing.  There was a lot of distance in my prior relationships and much of that was because of me and my own unavailability, not just my boyfriends.  But it worked for awhile (years) because we were both on the same page re our "unavailability."

With my fiancé, it's much different which I have already explained -- it's SAFE and peaceful, no longing, here's right here!  I can count on him, I can lean on him which, and I know this sounds unbelievable but it's true, I never really felt in my prior relationships.  

So I was questioning what it was I was actually feeling because these are new feelings for me - feeling safe, feeling at peace but still physically attracted.

Anyway, talking it out with y'all has really helped me sort it out, thanks again guys!

 

 

 

[chillii]

14 hours ago, poppyfields said:

To be honest @stillafoolI'm not even sure what being "in love" means. 

I thought so at the time but in retrospect I now realize it was "longing" I felt, and maybe a sort of temporary insanity like M. Scott Peck wrote in his book "A Road Less Traveled."

It was fleeting, not sustainable long-term.  And I think I knew that too. 

With my fiancé it's different.  It feels safe and peaceful while at the same time, I'm incredibly attracted to him!

Hiya pop. incredibly attracted to him is a huge huge thing anyway, but l know what your saying with the peace feeling strange. Tbh , for me 90% of the rubbish l read around is not the real. like it can't last longer than a few mths or 6 or 12 and the same all this honeymoon period rubbish they just haven't experienced it in and out of so many half arsed relationships so many don't even know they haven't lived it.All those things can go on for yrs, and yrs , and yrs,even decades, with the right person on all kinds of levels in all kinds of ways, it's different for different.

l was married 22yrs and we were just as exited when she or l got home after 10 or 12 yrs or bed time or lots of other goodies or merely to just talk, as we were day one. Unfortunately having kids changed a lot of things hugely in all regards though sadly. My partner now, God almighty, 5yrs and we're all over the house, l work at home and we're even all over my workshop. And we can never wait to blabber away either, or say even out working we have breakfast at say 10ish , sit around in the kitchen or get up to who knows what but l can never wait to come in and see her and talk or do whatever, if she hasn't come out to see me sooner. She can stir the fire with a word, and loves it.

Your fiance , ldk. Really , it's all good, it's just on a different level to what your use to but eh they never worked out, did they. Maybe for you this is the real, we all tick differently. lt certainly has lots of great stuff but at the same time yeah, l do understand there is a thing with being too comfortable unfortunately only you can know where that is for you though.

Edited July 19, 2022 by chillii

[Gaeta]

Congratulations Poppy ❤️

May I ask what is the rush in getting married? If your sexual attraction is only fed by his looks I would risk saying it's because you don't know his heart enough yet to desire him completely including emotionaly & intellectually. If he has an accident and cannot train anymore and his body change, your physical attraction will die - that's basically what you're saying right?

 

[chillii]

Good points G but l was also wondering what the rush was to op. Time usually reveals the answers to most questions.

[poppyfields]

Guys thanks, but I think I've given some of you the wrong idea, and I apologize. 

I LOVE this man, I know his heart and my heart enough to say it feels right.  So so right and I may not have even realized that till now, posting my thoughts on this thread and reading all of yours. 

Again and don't know how else to explain, but the distance and longing I felt in my prior relationships drove my emotions but that's NOT happening here; again I feel safe and protected, and very loved, I can count on him and lean on him and so much more. 

I LOVE these feelings but they are different feelings for me from my previous which frankly were dysfunctional and toxic which is why I ended. 

I think it's very difficult to explain unless you have experienced this yourself. So I understand the confusion and questions.

Gaeta, if he had an accident and his body changed, it's impossible to say how I would feel, whether my physical attraction would remain the same.

Can anymore really say with certainty that they wouid still be as physical attracted in the same way? 

How can you predict something like that?

Isn't love based on more than that?

I read something recently that resonates with me.

Loving your partner, being committed to your parter is a decision.

We choose to love, we choose to commit and remain committed through thick and thin.

Even when it becomes difficult (which it will at times I'm not so delusional to not understand that), we still choose to love and remain committed. 

That is what love is and means to me..  It's about caring and loyalty which are extremely important to me. 

We don't bail out or go off and become unfaithful, we work through issues together and come out the other side stronger. 

Versus running off in search of the next high and "in love" feeling which is fleeting. 

M. Scott Peck has written this "in love" feeling is akin to infatuation, and a sort of temporary insanity. 

That it's when you stop being "in love" and can truly see your partner, their flaws and imperfections, really "see" them when you begin truly "loving" your partner. 

That love is safe and comforting not this crazy high and all this missing and longing and uncertainty.

I have this with my fiancé, in fact he's the FIRST man other than my father I've had these feelings with, in a romantic way of course.

I am really happy I created this thread because just writing my thoughts has brought me so much clarity. 

The rush for those asking is there is no point waiting when two people just know it's right and are ready. 

And lord I've been through enough relationships to know that THIS feels right and apologize again if I've given you the wrong impression.  💛

 

 

Edited July 19, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

Defending or justifying your decision is unnecessary.

Invest in it with confidence.

Everyone has a different understanding of what love is and what it means in their lives, blah blah blah.

Depending on how you interpret love, you will experience it differently and be affected differently.

What we do is a reflection of how we feel inside.

The same goes for your fiancé.

Edited July 19, 2022 by Alpacalia

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Defending or justifying your decision is unnecessary.

Invest in it with confidence.

Everyone has a different understanding of what love is and what it means in their lives, blah blah blah.

Depending on how you interpret love, you will experience it differently and be affected differently.

What we really feel is reflected in what we do. 

The same goes for your fiancé.

Exactly.  

I'm simply answering poster's questions, not justifying my decision.  And interjecting additional thoughts about what love means to me. 

Plus, I love talking about him!  😍

I've requested the thread be closed now, tnx again. 

 

Edited July 19, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

Thread closed, thanks again everyone.

 

Edited July 19, 2022 by poppyfields