What is going on here [updated]

[Otter2569]

I've been dating a woman I met online for 7 months.  She is 4 years older, twice divorced and widowed (3 years ago). She also has an amazing adult son with special needs.

We had an immediate and very intense connection.  She was incredibly loving and openly embraced our relationship with her friends and family.  She was clearly smitten and several people around us commented on our obvious connection.  She continually tells / told me she's never been happier.

As we grew closer she began to occasionally pull back and put distance between me and her family.  I met them on several occasions and immediately bonded with them.  They even invited me on their summer family vacation.  We stopped our relationship a few times since as these cold feet situations occurred, but we always bounced back better and more loving than before.  Unfortunately, this is happening every 2 weeks now.

This week, after a rebound, was fantastic.  She suggested we spend Friday and Saturday together at her place prior to her leaving on the family vacation (that I am not going).  Two days later she cancelled Friday because she had a lot to do.  Then Saturday morning she cancelled our Saturday date because she wasn't feeling well.  I politely texted her "hope you feel better" and stopped any further contact.  It's been 36 hours and we haven't texted or talked.   I am hurt and pretty disappointed but feel it is time to walk away.

Any idea what is going on here?

Edited August 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged thread

[Happy Lemming]

I'd say the relationship ran its course.  I had quite a few relationships that lasted just 6 months. 

In my opinion, there seems to be a natural "break" at 3, 6, 12 and 24 months.  My theory is at these various intervals aspects of your personality start to bug or upset the other person, then they talk themselves into "finding someone better".

She probably would never say -- I don't like it when you do this or that (about you) and, she just keeps it to herself.  When she has had enough -- you get the slow fade.

Well, you left the ball in her court, but I don't think you will hear from her.  I never liked being in these on again/off again dating relationships -- too wishy washy for me.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Otter2569 said:

We stopped our relationship a few times since as these cold feet situations occurred, but we always bounced back better and more loving than before.  Unfortunately, this is happening every 2 weeks now.

This week, after a rebound, was fantastic.

This is not healthy or sustainable, Otter. It's the sign of someone who is not ready for a relationship. Sure, the thrill after the cold spell feels good, but it's fleeting. Every cold spell further ruptures the relationship, and it's too young and fragile to keep shaking the foundation like that. 

I would let her go. She clearly isn't in a place to offer long-term, reliable companionship. Why? Who knows, it's probaby a combination of many factors. And they're not particularly important. What is important is that this woman isn't a suitable girlfriend candidate for you, and it doesn't sound like she really wants that anyway. 

[Otter2569]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is not healthy or sustainable, Otter. It's the sign of someone who is not ready for a relationship. Sure, the thrill after the cold spell feels good, but it's fleeting. Every cold spell further ruptures the relationship, and it's too young and fragile to keep shaking the foundation like that. 

 

"Shaking the foundation" pretty much sums it up.  As much as I would like it to work, I don't see that happening.

[Otter2569]

Just received a text.  She was appalled at my "feel better" comment. Also that I didn't even call to check on her, I am selfish... 

Seems she really was sick so I may have miss judged this situation.   I trust my instincts and I followed them.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't see it happening either, especially since I assume this is the same woman from your last thread. 

It wasn't really working then, and it's not working now, either. Time to stop beating the dead horse and call it a day officially. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Otter2569 said:

Just received a text.  She was appalled at my "feel better" comment. Also that I didn't even call to check on her, I am selfish... 

Seems she really was sick so I may have miss judged this situation.   I trust my instincts and I followed them.

Nah, she's a drama queen who's been yanking your chain for months. 

Just end it so you can move on from this dyfunction. 

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, Otter2569 said:

Just received a text.  She was appalled at my "feel better" comment. Also that I didn't even call to check on her, I am selfish...

What is wrong with her phone??

She can't text you back??  I mean if she was feeling that bad why not send something like... "I'm feeling much worse, can you bring me over some soup and gatorade??"  Nope, she used it as an excuse to bash and insult you.

Look we all get sick, we all get a cold or the flu... Like @ExpatInItaly said, she is being a "drama queen"!!

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Otter2569 said:

Seems she really was sick so I may have miss judged this situation. 

But... you are not a mind reader.

Nobody's perfect. Those on the lookout for problems are sure to find them. Relationships boil down to a mutual choice to continue despite minor (or even major) issues...

[Otter2569]

24 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

What is wrong with her phone??

She can't text you back??  I mean if she was feeling that bad why not send something like... "I'm feeling much worse, can you bring me over some soup and gatorade??"  Nope, she used it as an excuse to bash and insult you.

Look we all get sick, we all get a cold or the flu... Like @ExpatInItaly said, she is being a "drama queen"!!

This is why I like this forum: great insight!

I did actually send her 2 texts that morning: 1) let me know if you need anything and 2) feel better.  Honestly there was little sincerity there because I was bummed from the chain of events.  

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, Otter2569 said:

 1) let me know if you need anything and 2) feel better.

So you did offer to supply her with essentials.  That is pretty much the only thing one can do when their significant other gets sick.

Last time I was really sick, "V" went to the store and got me some Gatorade.  It was the only thing I could keep down.  She couldn't really do anything else, I just needed to lay on the couch until I got better.

So... yes (you offered to get her supplies, she didn't respond). What else are you supposed to do -- perform a witch doctor (get well) dance and smudge some sage over her doorway??

[Els]

36 hours of not responding to a text that didn't really ask a question, especially if the person is sick, is not a big deal in and of itself.

The fact that you two have broken up SEVERAL times in 7 months is absolutely a huge deal, though! In that context, I can see why you are concerned, and I think you are right to be concerned.

[Otter2569]

55 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

The fact that you two have broken up SEVERAL times in 7 months is absolutely a huge deal, though! In that context, I can see why you are concerned, and I think you are right to be concerned.

The first 5 months were full steam ahead.  Lots of fun and romance.  Once she said the "L" word things began to change.  She got hot and cold, then kind of backed off.  She said she wanted more but was afraid.  I found myself trying to convince her that I wanted more with her.  I actually did but we never quite got it back.

[glows]

I don't know why she would get upset over something like that. It's so trivial (not your feelings, the situation which didn't warrant any issue). She didn't even reply to you when you texted hope she feels better. How rude.. 

I'd be immediately wary of individuals who are used to high highs and low lows. It is too chaotic and dysfunctional and seems more to me that she's looking for issues in order to get that high high or doting/extreme affirmation that you're into her or want to be with her. Step back a bit and rethink this. It's too dramatic. 

Edited July 18, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Otter2569 said:

The first 5 months were full steam ahead. She got hot and cold, then kind of backed off.  

Sounds rather flakey. It doesn't seem related to the ILY thing but more that at about this time, the rosy glasses come off and you were seeing the real her.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Otter2569 said:

I found myself trying to convince her that I wanted more with her. 

Nah. When you have to convince someone to come along for the ride with you, you really need to look for a different co-pilot. 

 

[Otter2569]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Nah. When you have to convince someone to come along for the ride with you, you really need to look for a different co-pilot. 

 

Absolutely!  Just got a little caught up in things this time.

[Maldives]

20 hours ago, Otter2569 said:

I've been dating a woman I met online for 7 months.  She is 4 years older, twice divorced and widowed (3 years ago). She also has an amazing adult son with special needs.

We had an immediate and very intense connection.  She was incredibly loving and openly embraced our relationship with her friends and family.  She was clearly smitten and several people around us commented on our obvious connection.  She continually tells / told me she's never been happier.

As we grew closer she began to occasionally pull back and put distance between me and her family.  I met them on several occasions and immediately bonded with them.  They even invited me on their summer family vacation.  We stopped our relationship a few times since as these cold feet situations occurred, but we always bounced back better and more loving than before.  Unfortunately, this is happening every 2 weeks now.

This week, after a rebound, was fantastic.  She suggested we spend Friday and Saturday together at her place prior to her leaving on the family vacation (that I am not going).  Two days later she cancelled Friday because she had a lot to do.  Then Saturday morning she cancelled our Saturday date because she wasn't feeling well.  I politely texted her "hope you feel better" and stopped any further contact.  It's been 36 hours and we haven't texted or talked.   I am hurt and pretty disappointed but feel it is time to walk away.

Any idea what is going on here?

Yes time to walk away. What's going on seems shes hot and cold and has problems with getting close to someone. It's not your role to teach her. 

[BrinnM]

Yes, I agree with the drama-queen sentiment. You even offered to help her out (and SHE never replied). And if she wants to talk on the phone she can pick up the phone herself rather than chastise you for not calling. I mean - you did reply to her text after she cancelled. Jesus. 

[Ami1uwant]

11 hours ago, Otter2569 said:

This is why I like this forum: great insight!

I did actually send her 2 texts that morning: 1) let me know if you need anything and 2) feel better.  Honestly there was little sincerity there because I was bummed from the chain of events.  

I agree….she needs to communicate with you better than she did.  You did nothing wrong there.

you shouldn’t go thru hot and cold stuff you describe.

 

[BaileyB]

For the record, I don’t think there was anything wrong with the text you sent. She has no right to be “appalled” at anything…

[Weezy1973]

The push pull can get addictive and fuels intensity which is likely what kept drawing you back together. Drama queen is one way of putting it. 

[chillii]

She's just not quite over the line with you guys op so she's sabotaging even if subconsciously. She's also scared of it being real and she's also a drama queen and probably a bit crazy too after everything else.Personally , l wouldn't get tangled up with her myself not seriously anyway, know the signs.

[salparadise]

14 hours ago, Otter2569 said:

The first 5 months were full steam ahead.  Lots of fun and romance.  Once she said the "L" word things began to change.  She got hot and cold, then kind of backed off.  She said she wanted more but was afraid.

^ This is the key. She can't tolerate the vulnerability inherent in allowing someone in, but that's just for starters. She also can't regulate emotions, and she projects her fear and negative feelings onto you... as opposed to being aware of what's causing feelings and dealing with it. I don't think this is fixable, it's her dysfunctional way of coping in the world. She just needs an object who is stimulated by this treatment and dedicated enough to keep coming back for round after round. Apparently her previous two or three weren't quite.

As a rule... when someone generates substantial negative energy (esp. on a regular basis), and expects you to absorb it and assume responsibility for keeping them equilibrated, it's worse than a drama queen. Try emotional vampire. Run.

Edit: I also think that three months is precisely how long they manage to play nice and set the hook. 

Edited July 19, 2022 by salparadise

[Otter2569]

1 hour ago, salparadise said:

As a rule... when someone generates substantial negative energy (esp. on a regular basis), and expects you to absorb it and assume responsibility for keeping them equilibrated, it's worse than a drama queen. Try emotional vampire. Run.

Edit: I also think that three months is precisely how long they manage to play nice and set the hook. 

She was / is an incredibly positive person and was so loving up until this push pull business a few months ago.  The one immediate flag was her need for privacy / separation.  She never left anything at my place.  She even brought her own washcloth.  She felt like asking certain questions was intrusive (what are you up to? for example) so there was always a shroud of secrecy.  One on one however she was very open and intimate.