On 1st date she says her dad passed away recently. How should I respond?

[max3732]

On these dates I try to have a fun, playful mood and talk about things that are more fun. Maybe this is a mistake but on my last few 1st dates I've asked how they picked that particular dating app.

When I asked that to my date she said she has been struggling and hasn't been able to date since her dad passed away a few years ago. Of course I told her I was so sorry to hear that and I can't imagine how tough that must have been (which is true). Aside from that what else can/should I do? How should I continue the conversation after that. 

This isn't the 1st time something a date has brought up something tragic/heart breaking and I don't know how to respond and what to do after that. After she said that it was hard for me to be light and playful and I kept thinking about people close to me I've lost. I didn't think mentioning that would make her feel better though.

What do you think I should do if this happens again?

[Ami1uwant]

Given the ages you are dating you will run I to this of recent deaths of parents.

 

your response seems fine.  With women who want to get married they think about being given away by their father.  Thst person isn’t there so it can be tough on some.

[ShyViolet]

On a first date you're not going to get into a deep, personal conversation about it.  ( I would hope she doesn't go into it that much, because that would be a bit weird).  Just saying "I'm sorry.  I can't imagine how hard that must have been." and leaving it at that is fine.  Then if she doesn't say anything else about it, gently change the subject.  But don't abruptly start talking about something "fun and light", obviously.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, max3732 said:

 I've asked how they picked that particular dating app.

When I asked that to my date she said she has been struggling and hasn't been able to date since her dad passed away a few years ago. 

She seems a bit depressing. What does  "why did you choose this particular app" have to do with a parents death years ago?

Try not to make dates into interviews and dating app research. Focus on getting to know your date a bit to see if you want a second date.

In this case it was a weird question with an even weirder answer.

[max3732]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She seems a bit depressing. What does  "why did you choose this particular app" have to do with a parents death years ago?

Try not to make dates into interviews and dating app research. Focus on getting to know your date a bit to see if you want a second date.

In this case it was a weird question with an even weirder answer.

Got it. I'm not going to ask that question anymore. I just thought it was something we had in common and she might say something like "I heard it was good for people looking to settle down" or something to gauge her dating attitude.

I guess it had to do with the fact she wasn't able to date because she was dealing with what happened so is now on the app.

I've also gotten this kind of response when I've asked if they are close to their family. Sometimes it's a parent who passed away, other times a sibling or other relative. It's heart breaking and difficult for me to hear so it makes me feel awkward/uncomfortable.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am weird but I wouldn't mind talking about deeper stuff early on. If it organically comes up, you can talk about a similar experience if you have had it. That would be ideal response for me. Then she can share more if she wants to.

But then, light small talk bores me.

[FMW]

I don't think your question about the app is necessarily bad, but if it's getting negative responses then maybe it's not helpful. 

I don't think there's anything wrong with talking about deeper subjects, such as the death of a parent, on the first date as long as it's not something that takes over the entire conversation.  Negative things happen in all of our lives, and there's nothing wrong with touching on them lightly if they fit in with a current conversation.  But when you are just getting to know someone, things need to be kept more light and broad.  So darker topics, again, shouldn't be talked about in great detail in the beginning, in my opinion.  There's deep and then there's depressing.  

But I think some people do bond over mutual sadness.  Not something I would see as a great start for a romantic relationship though.  

[Trail Blazer]

My girlfriend told me the exact thing on our first date.  It was in passing, and appropriate within the context of our discussion.  However, it hadn't impeded her ability or desire to date.  I'd just told her that I was really sorry to hear that. 

Almost three years on, and the man I've come to know of through my girlfriend and her family's anecdotes, it's amazing that she's fared so well.  He sounded like an amazing man and I wish I could have met him.

So, point being here, it's not a deal-breaker if she can get through it.  If you guys do end up seeing each other more often, just be prepared for moments of sadness when something randomly crops up and reminds her of him.

[Ami1uwant]

In early conversations I’d ask about their family. Just the basics about how many siblings, are they local to you, etc. something like this VO an come up.  

[smackie9]

She still hasn't sorted herself out. Get close to this type of persona nd you will end up being their therapist. For a first date I would be tapping out from something like this. 

[glows]

There was nothing wrong with her answer. She was being truthful and herself. You also get to an age where multiple people around you have died or passed away. Death is part of life and nothing to shy away from.

Is there something special about this dating app? If it's an exclusive app for a group of people or a little-known app then I don't see anything wrong with that question either. If we're talking about the run of the mill regular ones like Hinge, Bumble etc, then maybe leave it out. They're very commonplace. 

 

[poppyfields]

On 7/17/2022 at 6:53 PM, max3732 said:

On these dates I try to have a fun, playful mood and talk about things that are more fun. Maybe this is a mistake but on my last few 1st dates I've asked how they picked that particular dating app.

When I asked that to my date she said she has been struggling and hasn't been able to date since her dad passed away a few years ago.

Her response is odd AND troubling imo. 

First off,  you asked her how she picked that particular app which was fine, a great question actually.  And she responds with her dad died YEARS ago?   How does that even relate to your question asking why she chose that app?  It makes no sense.

Secondly, I could understand if her dad had recently died.  It's fresh and she's struggling.  But it was YEARS ago and is not something you share with a first date, it's much too "heavy" and intense.  She placed you in the "savior" category, she may have had good results in the past with men (white knights) trying to save her.  Some men go for that.

When my dad died, I had a boyfriend at the time but we broke up around a year later and on early dates, I never mentioned it.   Why would I?    Again, it's much too heavy a topic of conversation; early dates should be light and fun!  Not a therapy session where you unload how you're "struggling," since a parent's death YEARS ago.

It wasn't until much later when I felt comfortable talking about the death of my dad and how it impacted me.

I agree with @smackie9it's a red flag unless you like to rescue damsels in distress, but if not, I would move on.

 

Edited July 21, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

On 7/17/2022 at 9:53 PM, max3732 said:

This isn't the 1st time something a date has brought up something tragic/heart breaking and I don't know how to respond and what to do after that.

If you were a good match, this would not have made a difference.

[max3732]

4 hours ago, glows said:

There was nothing wrong with her answer. She was being truthful and herself. You also get to an age where multiple people around you have died or passed away. Death is part of life and nothing to shy away from.

Is there something special about this dating app? If it's an exclusive app for a group of people or a little-known app then I don't see anything wrong with that question either. If we're talking about the run of the mill regular ones like Hinge, Bumble etc, then maybe leave it out. They're very commonplace. 

 

This was a more exclusive app that the one you listed. I did ask on another date where we met on Hinge and I was hoping she'd say something like "I liked that you got to leave voice prompts and got more in depth answers" or something like that we give me some insight into her thought process.