Can someone give me an insight on this situation? I've been crying nonstop and been on anti depressants and can't understand this.

[sunflower1993]

I (28) met this guy (28) about 8 months ago when he started coming to the coffee shop I work in. At first I never really like him or thought his jokes were funny and didn't find him attractive. I just treated him like a regular customer and kind of avoided him.

A few months later, I saw him with another girl who was also a customer there. Fast forward to recently, he added me on Facebook. I accepted and we started chatting. Turned out we got along well. He took me on a date, I asked him about this girl (probably in her early 30s). He told me they'd been together for 2 months and she told him that she wanted kids and settling in about 2,3 years so he broke up with her. The way he said it felt really cold and rational, but I figured it was just because he didn't like her as much and I brushed it off.

Our first date had been amazing. I had a solo trip booked for 16 days and thought we wouldn't be in touch. It was actually the opposite. We spoke EVERYDAY all the time, facetiming each other etc. When I arrived in my city, he picked me up at the airport and asked me to be his girlfriend. We've had an amazing time ever since. We got along, we shared so many common interests. I thought this guy was my friend, we had no issues in out relationship. We never argued, we were never mean to each other, we laughed and laughed and had good sexual intimacy. We shared a lot of the same life values, we respected each other and listened to each other. He treated me like a princess and I treated him very well and cared for him and helped him with some issues he had.

He was moving in with a girl he'd had a previous romantic interest in, plus she is really really hot. I asked why her, out of all the people. He told me she was the only friend looking for a place to live. I've never met her and told him I felt insecure. He reassured me, told me it was ages ago and she's just a friend and I had ups and downs and told him some days I feel uncomfortable knowing they're alone together and asked him to give me a heads up when that's happening. Friday night he was having dinner with her and went MIA. He never does that. I called him and said that I didn't like it and that I dont understand why he didn't text me while he was with her. And he was super rude saying the world doesn't revolve around me, that he doesn't owe me anything, that he doesn't have to tell me his every move (when he actually DOES do that when I've never asked him to), and was overall really rude and broke up with me. Said he was done with me and couldn't deal with that.

I've told him if this situation wasn't happening, we wouldn't have any conflict in our relationship. I cried, apologised, begged. I told him I'm sorry for how I spoke to him (even though I still firmly believe I have the right to feel uncomfortable). I may have acted immature, yes and I was working hard not to because this situation wasn't easy on me, and pljus I hadn't met her personally so I still didn't know how this friendship was. But also said there had to be some compromise on his part. I don't think he'd cheat on me, but that doesn't mean I'm confortable with him having dinner alone with her and having wine and ignoring my messages. I spoke to quite a few girls and they all agreed they'd feel the same. I never asked him to end the friendship or tell me his every move. I feel like he was so unfair to me.

Friday morning he told me I was one of the best things that's ever happened in his life and I brought so much life and happiness to him. He broke up with me on Friday night via phone. He didn't shed a single tear. I was bawling on the phone and he looked bored af and said "I gotta go ok?" And hung up. Said there was no going back. I messaged him and he never replied only said we could talk later. I spent the whole weekend in bed on antidepressants. We agreed to chat in person. Today he messaged me and he's the coldest most distant person ever. I asked why? You've had the whole weekend and not once did you miss me? He never replied again.

I remembered then when he told me about the girl he broke up with. And I felt stupid. He's done the same to me. I thought I was different though.

I was someone to him you know? He was there for me when no one else was. Vice versa. I could call him anytime and he would be there. And now he acts like he's moved on and happy and I meant nothing. I feel dead inside. I know I have to move on and forget this a**h***. But how do I deal with the fact that I messed up and lost someone amazing who doesn't feel anything for me? I genuinely thought he liked me. I don't think I've ever felt so discarded in my life. Even my exes at some extent would tell me they liked me and/or missed me.

I'm still in shock and haven't quite processed everything, but I'm sitting here wondering if he hasn't missed me at all. What ?? 

PS: I'm sorry for maybe writing it all confusing, I'm really nervous and upset atm

TL;DR Met someone who got along with, started a relationship but on our first conflict left me saying I am a "red flag".

Edited July 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ShyViolet]

42 minutes ago, sunflower1993 said:

And he was super rude saying the world doesn't revolve around me, that he doesn't owe me anything, that he doesn't have to tell me his every move (when he actually DOES do that when I've never asked him to), and was overall really rude and broke up with me. Said he was done with me and couldn't deal with that.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but he was 100% right.  It was very immature of you to think that this relationship would work, with him having a weirdly inappropriate relationship with this girl, and you thinking that it's your place to constantly check up on him and keep tabs on what he's doing.  If you needed to constantly worry about what he's doing with this girl, then you SHOULDN'T have been with this guy.  A relationship where you are in a position of massive insecurity all the time cannot work.

The minute that you found out that he was moving in with some hot girl that he had a previous romantic interest in, and was going out to dinner with her, that should have been the minute that you found your self-respect and stopped dating this guy.  You were essentially sharing him with this other girl.  The correct response to that is to remove yourself from the situation.  Not to beg him to stay with you and ask him to constantly tell you what he's doing so you can "police" his activity and make sure he's staying faithful to you.

Don't ever, ever beg a man to be with you.  Desperation is not a good look.  If a man isn't sure about you, then have the self-respect to walk away and find someone who actually wants to be with you.

[basil67]

This went wrong on both sides.  It was really thoughtless of him to move in with a woman who he used to be interested in.  Was their dinner a 'date' kind of situation?  If so, that was a really bad choice on his part too.    Truth is, this guy turned out to be not nearly as amazing as you thought he was.

But on your side, asking to be told each time he's alone with his flatmate is too much.  Likewise, expecting responses to texts while he's eating dinner is too much.   Honestly, if a man's choices makes you want to keep tabs on him, you should walk away for your own sanity.  Without trust, you have nothing.

[ExpatInItaly]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

But on your side, asking to be told each time he's alone with his flatmate is too much.  Likewise, expecting responses to texts while he's eating dinner is too much.   Honestly, if a man's choices makes you want to keep tabs on him, you should walk away for your own sanity. 

I agree, especially with the bolded. 

This man was not the one for you, OP. He sounds shady and not trustworthy, so rather than trying to monitor his every move, you should have let him go. This is going to be for the best, in the end. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, sunflower1993 said:

  I spent the whole weekend in bed on antidepressants. . 

Sorry this happened. He's living with someone, so you dodged a bullet.

On another note. Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Review your medications and symptoms. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

In the future watch for red flags early on and don't be afraid to cut your losses.

Edited July 18, 2022 by Wiseman2

[sunflower1993]

I know I (28F) need to be gentle on myself, but how do I not let the ego get in the way?

Like this guy (28M) was there for me and I was there for him. We never argued and got along so well.

I made a previous post about what happened between us and basically I think the way he ended things with me was quite unfair and I am starting to realize he had a few red flags I looked past.

But, I'd still take him back if we were able to talk it through as work it out. If he called me right now and asked to talk I'd be more than willing to, as long as he was able to compromise on us working on this together. But I know he's not gonna call. I know he doesn't think about me. I know he doesn't care.

He made it clear he didn't, he made it clear when he said he's not attached to me and is ok with the decision. On the day he broke up with me, he said I was one of the best things that happened in his life. At night he ended and changed the way he treated me.

And don't tell me "I don't know how the other person feels". He made it very clear he doesn't give a s*** about me. Left me talking to myself even. So yeah, I know I was just some random person in his life whereas he was different than anyone I've ever met.

Apart from the hurt of the break up, I am also hurting from knowing this guy will jump into another relationship when I'll probably still be picking up the pieces because according to him we "haven't been together long enough for him to get attached". [ ] 

And yes I've been keeping myself busy, but the thought of him probably already talking to other girls eats me alive, the fact that I was completely blanked from his life and deprived from not even knowing how he is is hurting me so much, in addition to the fact that he himself, does not care about me and couldn't care less how I am doing. Not even my stories he is looking at, which shows complete indifference to my life. 

I am struggling to maintain no contact. Everything reminds me of him, how is it possible that things don't remind him of me?! 

Edited July 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

I think we can all agree him moving in with this girl is weird and uncomfortable.  But your reaction was controlling and he was right that it was a red flag.  And when faced with a major red flag this early on, it can actually be quite sensible to shut down and move on.  Thing is, we can't control what happens to us, but we can control our reactions to it.

You say that you'd take him back if you "could talk it through and work it out".  Now, given that he was firm in his decision, the only working out there would be is either you accept him moving in with his female friend without complaint and trust him.    Or would you decide that his living situation is incompatible with what you want from a relationship and end?   Because I suspect you'd eventually choose the latter (rightfully so!) and you'd be broken up anyway.  

Perhaps you'll start to see light at the end of the tunnel when you realise that your values were vastly different.

Edited July 20, 2022 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

I'm sorry OP.

The intensity displayed on your part came across too strong.

It's never your job to dictate or control what a boyfriend does.

You do get to say that it makes you uncomfortable when he hangs out with her, since that is honest and about how you feel. 

A man who cares about you truly will show his affection and love for you (within reason). Yet being needy, clingy, and insecure are relationship killers. This is a huge turnoff. The man needs to see his significant other carry herself with confidence and security.

This was a lose-lose situation.

Sharing your concerns prevents you from losing yourself. Keeping quiet and accepting it were most likely your only options if you remained with him.

The insecurity you felt is natural, but something you can (and should) deal with. It is when our insecurities cause destructive behaviors that create a distance between us and our significant other that we need to work on dealing with them and coming to terms with them constructively.

Understand his motivation, understand yours.

When you have boundaries you don't want to change, you walk.

Edited July 20, 2022 by Alpacalia

[sunflower1993]

Yeah I completely understand my behaviour came off as controlling and needy and that's the action that made him break up with him. I apologised and told him that it wouldn't happen again and looking back now I have learned from that mistake, but it's really hard to deal with regret when your SO breaks up with you before giving you a chance to "prove" you wouldn't do it again. He wasn't very open to conversation as to finding a middle ground that would suit both of us without him accusing me of being controlling which is upsetting. 

Also, I did ask him for some time to deal with the situation as, I hadn't met her yet, so I had no idea what their friendship was like and how they treated each other. 

I did think that before that though, we still couldn't agree on the housemate living situation. 

I think I wanted answers. Why her? Why if you lost romantic interest in her due to her personality, what makes her a good friend for you? To the point where you'd live together? I think in my mind it's really hard to understand because I've never been in a similar situation and probably will never. 

He never intended to make me feel insecure, they all came from me, but I did voice him numerous times that I felt uncomfortable with him hanging out with her alone and he chose to do so and made me feel bad for it, so to me that was also a disrespect on his part for my needs. But then again, if I have to try to control another person's attitude, then maybe this isn't the relationship for me either. 

I feel so awful though. I really miss him and I feel embarrassed for my behaviour because I think he used to view me differently and it just killed the vibe for him. But I've never gotten along so well with anyone apart from that and he'd say the same about me so it's really been a struggle for me to deal with us not even talking anymore. 

Edited July 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Alpacalia]

It's not just you, OP.

Keep in mind that he moved in with a woman that he had a crush on and spent a lot of time alone with her. The impact of that probably wasn't lost on him.

Edited July 20, 2022 by Alpacalia

[John Glasby]

sunflower, I feel for you. One of the hardest things in the world is being broken up with by someone who simply moves on as easy as can be, while you're gutted and wanting to fix things. I know - I've been living that story for almost six months myself. There are some people whose attachments are given readily, but not deeply. Your ex sounds like one of those people (mine too). And we attach to them at a certain risk. 

It feels unfair (if we were in this together, why is HE happy and I'M crushed?) It feels like the world turned and left you standing alone out in the shadows. It feels like a pain that will never get better. Feeling the cold shoulder of someone who was, just days before, your intimate companion and friend is just a unique kind of cruelty, there's no two ways about it. 

All I can suggest is that what you're going through is almost the blueprint for how breakups happen. One person contemplates the breakup and doesn't act on it. When they finally do, it's the end of a process, from which they are then relieved and move on. For the other person, it's just the beginning. And no, it isn't fair. Ideally, the moment the thought occurs to breakup, a discussion would commence and there'd be a chance to work it out together. But that so rarely seems to happen. 

I'm sorry you're going through this - I feel like I do actually know how you feel. The only thing I can tell you is that billions of people in the history of the world also have known the pain your experiencing, and they eventually healed and moved on to even greater happiness. So, please, hang in there and ride it out, because there are brighter days ahead. It will take time, because you're the one with the unresolved feelings and lack of closure, but you will feel better eventually. 

Hang in there,

John
 

[sunflower1993]

33 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

 

Hang in there,

John
 

Aw John, thank you so much for taking the time to write that kind message. 

It does indeed hurt, it's almost like our ego wants the other to feel pain and miss you just like we miss them. It's that control over the other persons feelings, it's not understanding how what meant so much to me meant so little to the other. 

I do take comfort in knowing that, this feeling is quite common and that I will probably find someone more suitable for me. I keep wondering if I want him back because I'm attached to him or because I truly liked him. And I've come to the conclusion that it's because I like him. He made my days more wholesome, but my life was already full without him. So it's really hard to let go because I wish he saw me the same way I see him. 

I just have to give it time I guess...

[sunflower1993]

47 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It's not just you, OP.

Keep in mind that he moved in with a woman that he had a crush on and spent a lot of time alone with her. The impact of that probably wasn't lost on him.

He told me I have nothing to worry about, that nothing will ever happen between them and that even if he wasn't dating me he wouldn't date someone he shares a house with (which to me is weird he'd make that remark because if it were a man or a woman he's not attracted to, he wouldn't say that). But they never lived together so I think that definitely creates a bond between them, and choosing to spend time with her over me is something that makes my stomach hurl. 

I guess it's that wish for control over what the person does, because there's so many good things I could say about him. All I have now is memories and it still stings. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, sunflower1993 said:

Yeah I completely understand my behaviour came off as controlling and needy and that's the action that made him break up with him. I apologised and told him that it wouldn't happen again and looking back now I have learned from that mistake, but it's really hard to deal with regret when your SO breaks up with you before giving you a chance to "prove" you wouldn't do it again. He wasn't very open to conversation as to finding a middle ground that would suit both of us without him accusing me of being controlling which is upsetting. 

Also, I did ask him for some time to deal with the situation as, I hadn't met her yet, so I had no idea what their friendship was like and how they treated each other. 

I did think that before that though, we still couldn't agree on the housemate living situation

Given that you'd raised the issue a number of times and then escalated to the point of texting him during his meal, it sounds like he did give you chances and tried to reassure you but you got more heightened rather than more comfortable and then got to the point of it being a deal breaker for him.  Unfortunately, you'd been working under the assumption that he'd compromise - but he'd already made his plans and he was sticking to them.    By this point, your only choices were to accept it or end the relationship. 

Thing is, even if he had given you a second chance, you still wouldn't be happy about the situation and it just wouldn't have been sustainable for you.

2 hours ago, sunflower1993 said:

I think I wanted answers. Why her? Why if you lost romantic interest in her due to her personality, what makes her a good friend for you? To the point where you'd live together? I think in my mind it's really hard to understand because I've never been in a similar situation and probably will never. 

You're looking at this backwards: Being a flat mate involves a basic level of compatibility - respect for each other's space and to basically get on OK.  A person can be a flat mate but not a close friend.  They'll move out and you never think of them again.   Taking it further, a person can be a friend but we don't want romance with them.  I'm sure that you'd know guys who you see as friends but they have personality traits would mean that you don't want to date them.   And didn't he say he chose her because they were both looking for a share house? 

2 hours ago, sunflower1993 said:

if I have to try to control another person's attitude, then maybe certainly this isn't the relationship for me either. 

Fixed it for you.   

Breakups hurt.  They really do - there's even physiological reasons behind it.  But it will pass.  You did mention anti depressants - did your doctor prescribe them?  If so, did they discuss how hard it is to stop using them?   Please be fully informed before medicating your way out of this.  

[Wiseman2]

On 7/17/2022 at 11:45 PM, sunflower1993 said:

   how do I deal with the fact that I messed up and lost someone amazing who doesn't feel anything for me? 

Someone who doesn't feel anything for you is not "amazing". You'll have to get things in perspective and not put anyone on a pedestal.

[sunflower1993]

50 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

Thing is, even if he had given you a second chance, you still wouldn't be happy about the situation and it just wouldn't have been sustainable for you.

 

 

I think maybe yes or maybe no. I think because of the fact that I never met her in person, this friendship was still a lot created in my mind. I never knew how they looked at each other, how they treated each other. I think that in itself would've made me make my decision wether to stay or go. 

But I do own up to my mistakes. I do realize that all you've said is in fact true and I did end up "freaking out" more than I should and it is my fault. I spent the whole weekend apologising to him and he told me I was only doing so in order to "change his mind", which in fact is not true because me being unconfortable doesn't cancel out the fact that I was rude to him. 

I think what I don't understand is, he developed a romantic interest in her and then stopped. What makes her such a good friend then? What are personality traits that made him rethink of her as a potential partner but like as a friend so much? To me, if someone shares values so different than mine, I wouldn't even want them as friends. I sometimes see this as him being a doormat to this girl and just wanting to keep her around somehow even if it means as a housemate. 

We agreed on chatting in person tomorrow, I feel like I have some things to say. But what I am struggling with the most is, the fact that he can't and won't forgive me in order for us to get past this and continue together. I get that I upset him, but I also feel like nowadays people throw away relationships in search of something "perfect", when everything else in our relationship was so ideal for both of us (he always communicated that). 

In my mind it's like: he's a great person and he gets to find someone just as awesome, whereas I made a mistake and lost someone great and probably won't find someone who had been so compatible as I was to him in many ways. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, sunflower1993 said:

He told me I have nothing to worry about, that nothing will ever happen between them and that even if he wasn't dating me he wouldn't date someone he shares a house with (which to me is weird he'd make that remark because if it were a man or a woman he's not attracted to, he wouldn't say that). But they never lived together so I think that definitely creates a bond between them, and choosing to spend time with her over me is something that makes my stomach hurl. 

I guess it's that wish for control over what the person does, because there's so many good things I could say about him. All I have now is memories and it still stings. 

It is true, however, that he chose to date you and not her.

It does not matter whether your former boyfriend liked(s) the roommate or does not care about her at all, neither will the partnership survive the scrutiny, and the restrictions you were attempting to impose on it. It sparked probably one of his greatest fears. Feeling of lack of freedom.

Clearly, you were nervous about all this extracurricular bonding between him and her. It's easy to see how this had made you feel. There can sometimes be a fine line between a buddy and a bed buddy and it is extremely easy to cross that line when two attractive people spend a considerable amount of time together and get along well. 

I guess the question is, what specifically did you prefer your ex-boyfriend to do?

Roommates come and go. Potential long-term partners are rare. In the absence of proof that something other than a typical roommate situation is going down, moving forward depended on you getting over your anxiety.

I'm sorry you are hurting right now. 

Those last few words of your post will hit close to home for anyone who has ever lost someone dear to them as they know that feeling all too well. Having to say goodbye to someone we care about can be the most painful experience of our lives. Any way you perceive abandonment, it can be very overwhelming and distressing. Replaying what might have been, what you didn't say, makes accepting what happened harder. 

This doesn't mean you have to do it alone. Seek out friends, a counselor or your GP if necessary. I hope you will realize that there is life after the breakup, even if you cannot see what future choices and opportunities lie ahead. They will be waiting when you are ready for them.

 

Edited July 20, 2022 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

2 hours ago, sunflower1993 said:

I think maybe yes or maybe no. I think because of the fact that I never met her in person, this friendship was still a lot created in my mind. I never knew how they looked at each other, how they treated each other. I think that in itself would've made me make my decision wether to stay or go. 

But I do own up to my mistakes. I do realize that all you've said is in fact true and I did end up "freaking out" more than I should and it is my fault. I spent the whole weekend apologising to him and he told me I was only doing so in order to "change his mind", which in fact is not true because me being unconfortable doesn't cancel out the fact that I was rude to him. 

I think what I don't understand is, he developed a romantic interest in her and then stopped. What makes her such a good friend then? What are personality traits that made him rethink of her as a potential partner but like as a friend so much? To me, if someone shares values so different than mine, I wouldn't even want them as friends. I sometimes see this as him being a doormat to this girl and just wanting to keep her around somehow even if it means as a housemate. 

We agreed on chatting in person tomorrow, I feel like I have some things to say. But what I am struggling with the most is, the fact that he can't and won't forgive me in order for us to get past this and continue together. I get that I upset him, but I also feel like nowadays people throw away relationships in search of something "perfect", when everything else in our relationship was so ideal for both of us (he always communicated that). 

In my mind it's like: he's a great person and he gets to find someone just as awesome, whereas I made a mistake and lost someone great and probably won't find someone who had been so compatible as I was to him in many ways. 

You've effectively just repeated a whole lot of stuff which I just responded to.  Is this what is happening in your interactions with him?

What is the point of meeting him?  You've got your view and he has his.  Neither of you are prepared to budge, so it seems to be a fruitless exercise. 

[BaileyB]

On 7/17/2022 at 10:45 PM, sunflower1993 said:

How do I deal with the fact that I messed up and lost someone amazing who doesn't feel anything for me?

I would have been very concerned about the women in his life. I’m sorry, I disagree with the other posters. His response to your question tells you something - he didn’t like your questioning him and I have to wonder why…

And finally, he is not amazing - he’s a jerk! He treated you like a jerk! You are well and good to be done with him. Learn the lesson here, it was too much too fast. The love bombing felt good but it wasn’t going to last - it never does. Next time, chose wisely and don’t over-invest your hopes and dreams quickly like this…

Edited July 20, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

What is the point of meeting him? 

It’s just going to cause more pain for OP.

[BaileyB]

On 7/17/2022 at 11:37 PM, ShyViolet said:

The minute that you found out that he was moving in with some hot girl that he had a previous romantic interest in, and was going out to dinner with her, that should have been the minute that you found your self-respect and stopped dating this guy.

This! 

13 hours ago, sunflower1993 said:

Like this guy (28M) was there for me and I was there for him. We never argued and got along so well.

How long did you date OP?

10 hours ago, sunflower1993 said:

He wasn't very open to conversation as to finding a middle ground

There is no middle ground here. He’s decided to move in with this other woman which is a very inappropriate thing for a man who is serious about his relationship to do. You seem willing to sacrifice your self respect to keep him which I would advise is not a wise decision… but, it matters not because he has decided your relationship is done. There is no middle ground here, no compromise. 

8 hours ago, sunflower1993 said:

He told me I have nothing to worry about, that nothing will ever happen between them and that even if he wasn't dating me he wouldn't date someone he shares a house with

I don’t believe this for a minute. 

6 hours ago, sunflower1993 said:

But what I am struggling with the most is, the fact that he can't and won't forgive me in order for us to get past this and continue together.

He cared so little about your relationship that he moved in with another woman - a woman for whom he has romantic feelings. It’s not about whether he will forgive you so that you can continue together. It’s about why you would want a man who is so entitled and inconsiderate/disrespectful to you? 

Look, based on your timeline I’m going to guess that you dated this man a few months, at most. You are WAY too invested here. Never beg a man to be in a relationship with you. It looked good, and then it REALLY didn’t. Ignore these red flags (his behavior) at your own peril. 

Edited July 20, 2022 by BaileyB

[basil67]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It’s just going to cause more pain for OP.

Exactly.  As he didn't understand the OP's concerns and seems firm in his decision, he'll likely just be explaining his decisions further.   I worry that the OP will try to act as the "cool girl", putting up with something unacceptable in order to keep him. 

 

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, sunflower1993 said:

I think I wanted answers. Why her? Why if you lost romantic interest in her due to her personality, what makes her a good friend for you? To the point where you'd live together? I think in my mind it's really hard to understand because I've never been in a similar situation and probably will never. 

He never intended to make me feel insecure, they all came from me, but I did voice him numerous times that I felt uncomfortable with him hanging out with her alone and he chose to do so and made me feel bad for it, so to me that was also a disrespect on his part for my needs. But then again, if I have to try to control another person's attitude, then maybe this isn't the relationship for me either. 

I feel so awful though. I really miss him and I feel embarrassed for my behaviour because I think he used to view me differently and it just killed the vibe for him. But I've never gotten along so well with anyone apart from that and he'd say the same about me so it's really been a struggle for me to deal with us not even talking anymore. 

Look, stop blaming yourself for what he wanted to do anyway.  He has wanted that hot girl for a long time and when the door was open he dropped you like a hot iron and ran through it.  He used a flimsey excuse to break up with you.  Of course you would feel insecure him moving in with a girl and especially a hot one that he's had a crush on.  You should be angry, not thinking about taking him back.  Where is your self respect?

[sunflower1993]

Thanks for all the replies! 

He had already set up the moving situation BEFORE we started dating. It would be whole dif story it was after. However, that doesn't change the fact that I agree with everyone here, it's still inappropriate.

After giving it a lot of thought, I've come to terms that my issue here is not "trusting" him that he won't kiss her, have sex etc. That alone in itself is an issue, but the fact that for me, it's not appropriate if you're in a monogamous relationship to be doing sorts of things with people you've had a past with. Wether it's a crush, a relationship, a fling, whatever it is. One thing is being with friends and this person being amongst them and them chatting, another is them hanging out alone and one cooking dinner for another while he chooses to ignore my texts because it would be "impolite to her". So to me, that's where the line is crossed. 

Same thing with this other day him saying that he grabs coffee every once in a while with an ex of his. I am personally not ok with this. I don't and have never done this. Yes I speak to exes every once a year or whatever, see how they're going if they reach out, but hanging out together? Nah. 

What became clear to me after all of this, is as long as there's no physical cheating, he thinks he is allowed to do whatever he wants and still be in a relationship. I have yet to meet a girl who is ok with this. And if there is, she probably cheats or does the same or worse and doesn't care. However I'm not ok. And I've noticed that voicing those concerns turns me into an "abusive and controlling" person according to him. Which in my point of view, is clear gaslighting. "Hey look, I'm not cheating on you ok? She's just a firend and we're gonna cook dinner and have some wine together and spend some time alone and if you say something you're being a controlling person". 

It took me some time to come to terms with this. I cried and missed him but now looking back, I will not play the cool chill girl who pretends to be ok with everything because I care about my happiness too. And a loving partner would put my feelings above any ex/ex-crush/ex-fling or whatever. So yeah, he's coming here to chat because a few days ago I asked him to, but with the intention of "convincing him", but now I actually am ok with us breaking up because his views don't resonate with mine. I don't want a man who wants to have his cake and eat it too. 

Edited July 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[sunflower1993]

17 hours ago, BaileyB said:

The love bombing felt good but it wasn’t going to last - it never does. Next time, chose wisely and don’t over-invest your hopes and dreams quickly like this…

Yes! I told him I felt love bombed. 

He did all these things for me for then to say "I don't get attached easily, I'm ok and not sad". Lmao. 

I felt like it was genuine though, it's really hard not to see when the person is there for you in moments you have no one. However, thankfully I didn't stop my life and it continues to go on without him.