Can someone give me an insight on this situation? I've been crying nonstop and been on anti depressants and can't understand this.

[basil67]

47 minutes ago, sunflower1993 said:

He had already set up the moving situation BEFORE we started dating. It would be whole dif story it was after. However, that doesn't change the fact that I agree with everyone here, it's still inappropriate.

If I'd known he'd organised it BEFORE you met him because I would not have agreed that he was being inappropriate. 

As he was single when he made the plans, there was nothing wrong with that decision. It was completely inappropriate for you to arrive on the scene, get jealous/insecure and keep pestering him to change plans which had been fixed before you.  Instead, you should have simply said "I'm sorry, I don't think we're a good match" and went on your way.   In short, it's never good to get in a relationship with someone and then try to change them or their plans.

That said, I'm glad to hear you're comfortable with moving on now

Edited July 21, 2022 by basil67

[sunflower1993]

I mean, absolutely not the issue him moving in before we even met. The issue here is, once you decide to be in a relationship with someone, is it really appropriate to spend your saturday night having wine alone with your housemate given the history? Because this is what he told me he would do on a Saturday when he knew I was free and he could have invited me over and us three have wine together. 

If you want to be in a relationship, act like it. Don't make me feel like I'm crazy for feeling uncomfortable with the two spending alone time together under the justification "we're housemates". I've had housemates in the past, sometimes we'd sit and chat for a bit and go on with our lives, but the only times I actually spent having wine, dinner and movie together was with my female girl friends who obviously we have no chemistry/attraction whatsoever. 

That is my point here. Never asked him to move out, never asked him to stop being friends with her but if he can't acknowledge the fact that certain behaviours fall as inappropriate for some people, then he isn't for me either. It wasn't easy to see that earlier because I liked him so much (still do to some extent). 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he was living a double life and lied to you that his live in GF was 'just a roommate'.

When you reflect on that, you'll see that you dodged a bullet and he's not even worth a second thought.

However take better care of your physical and mental health. How you cope with adversity is directly related to that.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, sunflower1993 said:

I mean, absolutely not the issue him moving in before we even met. The issue here is, once you decide to be in a relationship with someone, is it really appropriate to spend your saturday night having wine alone with your housemate given the history? Because this is what he told me he would do on a Saturday when he knew I was free and he could have invited me over and us three have wine together. 

If you want to be in a relationship, act like it. Don't make me feel like I'm crazy for feeling uncomfortable with the two spending alone time together under the justification "we're housemates". I've had housemates in the past, sometimes we'd sit and chat for a bit and go on with our lives, but the only times I actually spent having wine, dinner and movie together was with my female girl friends who obviously we have no chemistry/attraction whatsoever. 

That is my point here. Never asked him to move out, never asked him to stop being friends with her but if he can't acknowledge the fact that certain behaviours fall as inappropriate for some people, then he isn't for me either. It wasn't easy to see that earlier because I liked him so much (still do to some extent). 

I 100% agree that you didn't have to like this.   

Next time, if someone doesn't act like they want a proper relationship with you, take it at face value and move on.  Don't try and change their mind. Don't try to get them to see that they are wrong.  Certainly don't raise the topic more than once.  Just dump them using that really annoying emotionless face and assure them that you will be absolutely fine without them.   

[Alpacalia]

When I think about it, you asked (more or less) if this was your issue or his, and I'd say: it's your problem (plural)

The issue is not only yours but also his, so it must be a joint one. 

A situation like this can make you feel uncomfortable, and that's okay. It is also worth noting that there are many, many people who would be far more militant about this scenario; who would demand he end the friendship or curtail the time spent with them. In saying that, I think that attitude is shortsighted, if not worse, it is controlling, and that is where I would like to remind you. 

Control rots relationships frequently. 

That said, so do trust issues.

There was much more to this situation than blind trusting him not to sleep with his ex or roommate and/or have inappropriate relations with them. I am also talking about his trustworthiness in order for you to not have to worry about being put in a situation where you have to question his actions. It means that he trusts you when you say something hurts, as well as trusting that your needs are reasonable when you tell him something is hurtful. Okay?

That is not what he did. 

Edited July 22, 2022 by Alpacalia

[sunflower1993]

[ ]

I think I'm at the angry stage of grieving because I feel VERY angry at times. 

I spoke to a girl today I met at work and we were chatting about relationships and I told her what happened and she said: I'm going through the same issue, but I think it's my boyfriend's flatmate that likes him and we keep arguing so I gave him an ultimatum and he told me he was going to look for a new place to live. 

And although I see her point, I still, n e v e r asked him to move out. But just goes to show me there could've been many ways he could've handled the situation in order for us to stay together. There were numerous other ways of understanding me yet he chose to look me in the eye when he came over for us to talk (we talked for about 4 hours) and tell me that it was 100% my fault we broke up because of my behaviour and if I hand't acted like that, we would still be together. I think this is not true as I saw how he handled things as well and this does not resonate with how I picture someone I'd be with. Certainly, if he wanted to make me feel comfortable, he would me invite for dinner with them for example. Instead, when he came over to talk, he said: you're absolutely NOT invited to having dinner with us, this is something between her and I as housemates and you're not welcomed. 

I then responded that, ok, I respected your point of view, but we are not the same or nor will I ever agree with this type of thinking. I'd never cause a dent in my relationship in order to make someone else feel safer than my partner. But that's his choice. I think now to be honest, he probably never stopped liking her and saw living together an opportunity to try to win her back. But maybe that's just my paranoia. But either how, he knew how she made me feel umconfortable and chose to act that way when he could've handled the situation better. 

Also we spoke as to how he will not moderate the time he spends with her alone. That if he wants to spend a Saturday night alone with her he will. And I asked him why would I not be invited and he said that she's a friend and he's allowed to have alone time with her. Anyway... I disagreed and we agreed on disagreeing and I saw that he wouldn't put in the effort. 

I mean, we've just started dating, we're in love, you'd want your partner to be a part of your life? Right? Right?? 

I remember when he first talked about his housemate I pictured a guy. Never would I think it would be a girl let alone someone he's had a crush on. 

Either how, it's over. It's over and I am still sad. Friends tell me I've lost my spark and I used to be such a bubbly person and now I feel like I smile with tears in my eyes. And people notice, and people hug me and tell me it will be okay. 

I've received a lot of love these past days which helped. I'm still really upset though. It's been really hard to accept he's gone and I can't even tell him about my day. 

Edited July 25, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic

[John Glasby]

Sending support your way. I'm sorry. There's really nothing comparable to the pain of someone you love no longer loving you back. It's an emotional/psychological challenge that really sucks the joy out of life for however long the pain lasts. I can relate to the "tears in my eyes" feeling and the way it affects your personality. I feel like I haven't been funny in six months, and people usually know me as a cut-up. I know the breakup has hurt way more than the death of my parents, because they died of natural causes, and they died loving me - and that love will never diminish - in fact, it grows. When someone stops loving you, it just feels so cruel. Like they've turned on you. 

I hope your healing will move along quickly. Just know you're not alone. 

[flitzanu]

after re-reading this, has anyone considered that this girl roommate may be absolutely disgusted by your ex boyfriend and have zero intentions of ever sleeping with him or dating him?  aside from the good/bad/right/wrong perspectives of whether he should or shouldn't, this was an "interest" that your ex had in this girl right?  nothing confirmed that they ever actually dated, or especially not slept with?  

that could be the reason she even chose to have a male roommate, that she feels zero for him and is not at all an option for her.

 

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, sunflower1993 said:

. There were numerous other ways of understanding me yet he chose to look me in the eye when he came over for us to talk (we talked for about 4 hours) and tell me that it was 100% my fault we broke up because of my behaviour and if I hand't acted like that, we would still be together. 

I'm so glad you've gotten to the stage where you're paying close attention to his attitude and behavior and whether they're what YOU want in a relationship. 

Personally, I get the impression that this guy was ready to break up with you, and your reaction to the roommate situation gave him the opportunity to do so without appearing to be the bad guy. That's why he emphasizes that it's your fault the relationship has ended and that, if it wasn't for your actions, you would still be together. BUT if I'm wrong in my assessment of his intentions, there's still a problem with his eagerness to lay all the blame on your shoulders. Folks who are so determined to blame the other party for everything are not good at dealing with conflict/tension, accommodating the other person. When the honeymoon period is over, you'll find yourself having arguments regularly. And they'll always be right, while you'll always wrong be wrong. After a while, it gets irritating and exhausting. If you're the sort of person who's willing to acknowledge your mistakes and apologize for them, you want the guy to be that way too.

Y'all have different values: You wouldn't move in with a guy you previously had a crush on and wanted to be with. He would. You wouldn't interact freely and regularly with exes. Sounds like he would. These are fundamental incompatibilities.

[Alpacalia]

On 7/25/2022 at 2:38 AM, sunflower1993 said:

I've received a lot of love these past days which helped. I'm still really upset though. It's been really hard to accept he's gone and I can't even tell him about my day. 

The better off you are without him.

Chin up.