Straight Girlfriend Kissed Another Girl on a Night Out

[surreyman33]

Thanks for taking time to read and help.

Been together with my GF for approx 5 years with a slight break in between. As far as im aware she has been faithful up untill now.

She went for a drink after work with an attractive female colleague who is bi. She mentioned she was only going for one but ended up staying for several. Half way through the evening i get a call from her, she was saying hey and was leaving soon, she then mentioned that this girl has kissed her. I was a bit shocked as you can imagine and asked what kind of kiss do you mean? She stated it was a proper kiss so i took that to be a snog with potentially tongues. She asked if i was okay with it, too which I replied that i think we should talk about it later but dont take it any further. 

The next day she was very defensive about it as soon as we spoke saying “i dont want to talk about it” i probed to try and find out more but all i got out of her was that it was a proper kiss and happened more than once. The girl had tried more and offered to go down on her but she refused. Now to give some context she has kissed girls within her friendship group before we met and does randomly on occasion to which i dont have an issue. She has asked me before would i deem it as cheating should she kissed another girl. Ive said i dont thinks quite the same as kissing another guy but it would depend on the situation.

Later that day i started thinking about the situation more and wanted to speak to her about it because a big part of me feels like she cheated. She backtracked and got defensive saying that ive always said im okay with it and it was only a peck so it doesnt matter and to move on and forget about it.

Ive always had a no nonsense approach to people cheating on me and had ended things with people previously. We have been together a long time and have planned a future together but im in two minds on whether i can movr past this.

ive asked her for some distance and time to think while i process and make a decision!

Any help would be appreciated!

[FMW]

1 hour ago, surreyman33 said:

Now to give some context she has kissed girls within her friendship group before we met and does randomly on occasion to which i dont have an issue. She has asked me before would i deem it as cheating should she kissed another girl. Ive said i dont thinks quite the same as kissing another guy but it would depend on the situation.

You of course have to figure out your own parameters, but for me, kissing another person isn't cool. It doesn't matter if it's opposite sex or same sex, especially when the other person is open to taking it further, which this particular woman very clearly was. 

Some people kiss as a greeting or as a goodbye, but just a quick peck.  I'm not talking about those.  But anything more, for me, is not acceptable.  

I also don't think she would have asked you if you were ok with it if she thought it was meaningless.  From the quoted part above I'm not sure what the context of those random kisses are.  But it seems to me it's possible she's up for more and is testing your boundaries to see what you think, while holding on to the option of saying it was no big deal. 

Honor your own feelings and views, regardless of what anyone else - including her - thinks.  You got a bad feeling about it - pay attention to that.  

Edited July 18, 2022 by FMW

[smackie9]

This is cheating...she is having physical intimate contact with another human being. For the girl to be offering sex says to me there is more going on than what she is telling you. It's even more suspect when she's being defensive and stonewalling you. 

Edited July 20, 2022 by smackie9

[Poutrew]

I think you have a girlfriend who hasn't been fully honest with you concerning how she feels about female - female sexuality. She has probably dipped her toes into that pool before, probably since high school, and likes the jiggly feel of the water... if you stay with her, be prepared for this to reoccur with some regularity. The worst thing would be that after you are married for a decade and have children with her, she leaves you for another woman. If it were me, I'd bail. Find someone who, as the song says, only has eyes for you.

[stillafool]

Ask her would she be okay if you were kissing guys?

[Jessica_W_1998]

On 7/22/2022 at 2:36 AM, Poutrew said:

I think you have a girlfriend who hasn't been fully honest with you concerning how she feels about female - female sexuality. She has probably dipped her toes into that pool before, probably since high school, and likes the jiggly feel of the water... if you stay with her, be prepared for this to reoccur with some regularity. The worst thing would be that after you are married for a decade and have children with her, she leaves you for another woman. If it were me, I'd bail. Find someone who, as the song says, only has eyes for you.

I agree 100% that kissing another person no matter the sex is cheating. However I have “dipped my toes” in the past as you say and I wouldn’t feel tempted to cheat on my boyfriend with anyone, even another woman.

[Jessica_W_1998]

I’m sorry this happened but she did cheat by kissing this other woman. Look, I won’t lie I am attracted to women. I’m bi but I prefer men. And I wouldn’t think it was ok to kiss another woman while I’m on a relationship with a guy, it’s not a hall pass just because it’s a woman.

[Will am I]

On 7/18/2022 at 9:51 PM, surreyman33 said:

She went for a drink after work with an attractive female colleague who is bi. She mentioned she was only going for one but ended up staying for several. Half way through the evening i get a call from her, she was saying hey and was leaving soon, she then mentioned that this girl has kissed her. I was a bit shocked as you can imagine and asked what kind of kiss do you mean? She stated it was a proper kiss so i took that to be a snog with potentially tongues. She asked if i was okay with it, too which I replied that i think we should talk about it later but dont take it any further. 

The big question is: how do you feel about your long term girlfriend kissing another woman?

I'm making this explicit because our reactions may vary a great deal.

Does it feel like betrayal? Does it violate your moral standards? Does it make you feel insecure? 

What if your girlfriend would be to some extend bisexual? Would you feel the need to repress that (at the risk of her becoming unhappy)? Or would there be a certain gray area that you would allow?