Thought my date went really well and got the 'no romantic connection' message after

[max3732]

Thought this date went much better than the previous one this week, but still got rejected. I don't know what else to do. I've been replaying the date in my mind and she was laughing a bunch of times and we talked about a bunch of fun topics as well as some more serious ones that she had on her profile. She said I picked a great place and she really enjoyed the conversation and I actually ended it after an hour or so. I tried some gentle teasing and also we had a lot of back and forth about different hobbies, goals, etc.

The only thing I didn't really do was touch her other than when we 1st met and when I said goodbye because we were seated across from each other at a restaurant. I guess I could have taken her hand or guided her on the small of her back, but aside from that I'm just lost and very disappointed.

I knew the one a few days ago (posted about 1 part of that) didn't go well, but with this one I really thought there was at least enough for a 2nd date. 

Next time if I feel attracted should I try more physical contact on a 1st date? What else would help with the romantic connection?

[basil67]

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.  However, while physical contact can help someone warm to you, it can also be unpleasant if they aren't wanting to be touched.  I wouldn't recommend touching unless there has been obvious flirting.

[ShyViolet]

46 minutes ago, max3732 said:

The only thing I didn't really do was touch her other than when we 1st met and when I said goodbye because we were seated across from each other at a restaurant. I guess I could have taken her hand or guided her on the small of her back, but aside from that I'm just lost and very disappointed.

I'm not sure why you would say this.  Do you think touching her more would have made her like you?  You should never touch someone unless you are getting cues from them that they want to be touched.  Random, uninvited touching could make women feel uncomfortable and put off by you.

[Ami1uwant]

No…you touching her more would not have changed things.

 

this sounds like the first meet went well thst you shoukd meet up again before saying no romantic connection.

 

talk to many married coup,es…they will say in many cases if the judged after date 1 thry probably woukd have netted thrm in todays world.

 

 

[chillii]

People come on here and real the list of like some kinda protocol and bingo , all ticked it's a go right, nope. Throw the damn list out the window it has nothing to do with anything . lt just wasn't there op, pure and simple. Unfortunately for you a maybe yeah butttt, takes two. Wouldn't have mattered what you did.

[FMW]

You probably didn't do anything wrong.  Most dates aren't going to result in a connection.  As long as you are being yourself and being a good listener, there's not much more you can do.  

[glows]

5 hours ago, max3732 said:

Thought this date went much better than the previous one this week, but still got rejected. I don't know what else to do. I've been replaying the date in my mind and she was laughing a bunch of times and we talked about a bunch of fun topics as well as some more serious ones that she had on her profile. She said I picked a great place and she really enjoyed the conversation and I actually ended it after an hour or so. I tried some gentle teasing and also we had a lot of back and forth about different hobbies, goals, etc.

The only thing I didn't really do was touch her other than when we 1st met and when I said goodbye because we were seated across from each other at a restaurant. I guess I could have taken her hand or guided her on the small of her back, but aside from that I'm just lost and very disappointed.

I knew the one a few days ago (posted about 1 part of that) didn't go well, but with this one I really thought there was at least enough for a 2nd date. 

Next time if I feel attracted should I try more physical contact on a 1st date? What else would help with the romantic connection?

She may have found your humour funny and your company pleasant but something about you wasn't compatible. It could be anything from not feeling enough chemistry in person, any details or your personal situation and so on. Without knowing much about you personally, there's very little we can comment on why she turned you down. Have you tried asking close friends what their opinion of you would be from a date's perspective? 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, max3732 said:

  I tried some gentle teasing. should I try more physical contact on a 1st date? 

No. That's not the problem. You're trying too hard already, unfortunately with too much PUA advice about teasing, touch barrier, etc. It comes off contrived.

You'll have to accept that one and done is more common than not as far as OLD goes. Either they're attracted or they're not. 

Keep in mind you're both still talking to and meeting others so just let it roll off your back, but quit trying to be overly entertaining or worse getting too handsy.

[basil67]

To add to what has already been written, getting on well doesn't necessarily mean that there will be a romantic connection.  It's no different to how you wouldn't be interested in romancing every woman who you can have a good conversation with.   Further, it's also possible that she didn't feel the same connection you did.   It can happen that one person thinks the conversation is working really well and the other is finding it all very stilted.

Time to move on to the next one

[bene]

Many people are able to have a nice conversation with people they don’t find romantically attractive. 

Touching doesn’t improve your chances if she’s already not interested in you in that way. I wouldn’t dwell on it. It’s just life, not all first dates lead to something more.

[Ami1uwant]

In the online dating world many are too quick to next someone that they probably wouldn’t have done 30 yrs ago.

of course there could be legit reasons to not try a second date due to some core differences on things like (1) wanting kids, (2) religion differences, ,(3) political differences, and (4) general different points in life

i think with many women are looking too hard for the fantasy date for a first date that is usually unattainable.  Since they have this list of other guys they are quick to next people.  Theyare looking fir negatives first vs positives or they want the 110% person.

 

 

[max3732]

10 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I'm not sure why you would say this.  Do you think touching her more would have made her like you?  You should never touch someone unless you are getting cues from them that they want to be touched.  Random, uninvited touching could make women feel uncomfortable and put off by you.

I've read/heard that part of what creates a romantic connection is breaking the touch barrier and showing her I'm physically interested in her. A lot of times on the 1st date I feel a bit awkward trying to touch her if we're at a restaurant. Looking back maybe I could have put me hand out to help her up from her table or tried to do something like that. On other active dates I touched my date as we were doing activities.

 

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

To add to what has already been written, getting on well doesn't necessarily mean that there will be a romantic connection.  It's no different to how you wouldn't be interested in romancing every woman who you can have a good conversation with.   Further, it's also possible that she didn't feel the same connection you did.   It can happen that one person thinks the conversation is working really well and the other is finding it all very stilted.

Time to move on to the next one

How would you define a romantic connection? Is there anything I can do to try and create one the next time? Usually if I find the woman physically attractive (which I do with everyone I ask out) then it's if she has similar goals/values and also seems like a fun person and the conversation flows nicely. In this case I felt like I had all of those things.

She was asking me a lot of follow up questions and laughed at my jokes and there weren't really any awkward pauses. Some of my other dates the woman has been a bit guarded or she didn't seem like she was that much fun.

I don't know. I just felt really excited afterwards and then very deflated seeing her message. That phrase "romantic connection" keeps tormenting me.

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

In the online dating world many are too quick to next someone that they probably wouldn’t have done 30 yrs ago.

of course there could be legit reasons to not try a second date due to some core differences on things like (1) wanting kids, (2) religion differences, ,(3) political differences, and (4) general different points in life

i think with many women are looking too hard for the fantasy date for a first date that is usually unattainable.  Since they have this list of other guys they are quick to next people.  Theyare looking fir negatives first vs positives or they want the 110% person.

 

 

What's tough for me is all my previous relationships have come from ones that have built over time. A lot of my friendships have been the same way. Unless there is an obvious difference like one of the ones you listed I will usually give her a 2nd chance just to get to know her. With a 1st date I'd imagine that people can be nervous and not really show their true self. Plus attraction can build over time. 

That's why I'm so frustrated she doesn't want a 2nd date because of this lack of "romantic connection". We did talk about some core things and maybe she acted like she was on the same page as me on them even though she's not? I don't want to dwell on her, but figure out what if anything to do for the next date

6 hours ago, glows said:

She may have found your humour funny and your company pleasant but something about you wasn't compatible. It could be anything from not feeling enough chemistry in person, any details or your personal situation and so on. Without knowing much about you personally, there's very little we can comment on why she turned you down. Have you tried asking close friends what their opinion of you would be from a date's perspective? 

Just ask close female friends? A woman I work with recently told was shocked that I'm as old as I am when she found out my age and that I'm still single. She said I'm so kind and accomplished and can't believe I can't find someone.

A lot of women ask about my job and maybe I downplay it too much. I have a graduate degree and sacrificed a lot to get where I am, but then on these dates I mention going to grad school and kind of describe what I do and that's it. I've always been concerned about gold diggers or bragging too much. Maybe I should say something to show I'm doing well for myself and can provide for her?

When she asks about my hobbies I also go into long stories if she seems interested. With my date last week she didn't seem that interested in some hobbies so I just gave a short overview. This last one seemed interested and was asking questions so I went into more detail and then asked what interests she's passionate about and why. 

In her rejection text she also said "good luck with your hobbies". So is that all she thinks I care about? 

[Ami1uwant]

43 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I've read/heard that part of what creates a romantic connection is breaking the touch barrier and showing her I'm physically interested in her. A lot of times on the 1st date I feel a bit awkward trying to touch her if we're at a restaurant. Looking back maybe I could have put me hand out to help her up from her table or tried to do something like that. On other active dates I touched my date as we were doing activities.

 

How would you define a romantic connection? Is there anything I can do to try and create one the next time? Usually if I find the woman physically attractive (which I do with everyone I ask out) then it's if she has similar goals/values and also seems like a fun person and the conversation flows nicely. In this case I felt like I had all of those things.

She was asking me a lot of follow up questions and laughed at my jokes and there weren't really any awkward pauses. Some of my other dates the woman has been a bit guarded or she didn't seem like she was that much fun.

I don't know. I just felt really excited afterwards and then very deflated seeing her message. That phrase "romantic connection" keeps tormenting me.

What's tough for me is all my previous relationships have come from ones that have built over time. A lot of my friendships have been the same way. Unless there is an obvious difference like one of the ones you listed I will usually give her a 2nd chance just to get to know her. With a 1st date I'd imagine that people can be nervous and not really show their true self. Plus attraction can build over time. 

That's why I'm so frustrated she doesn't want a 2nd date because of this lack of "romantic connection". We did talk about some core things and maybe she acted like she was on the same page as me on them even though she's not? I don't want to dwell on her, but figure out what if anything to do for the next date

Just ask close female friends? A woman I work with recently told was shocked that I'm as old as I am when she found out my age and that I'm still single. She said I'm so kind and accomplished and can't believe I can't find someone.

A lot of women ask about my job and maybe I downplay it too much. I have a graduate degree and sacrificed a lot to get where I am, but then on these dates I mention going to grad school and kind of describe what I do and that's it. I've always been concerned about gold diggers or bragging too much. Maybe I should say something to show I'm doing well for myself and can provide for her?

When she asks about my hobbies I also go into long stories if she seems interested. With my date last week she didn't seem that interested in some hobbies so I just gave a short overview. This last one seemed interested and was asking questions so I went into more detail and then asked what interests she's passionate about and why. 

In her rejection text she also said "good luck with your hobbies". So is that all she thinks I care about? 

From my own experience….non- online dating for me usually came over getting to know someone over a bit of time.  During my 20s I was decent with this. As a regular green adult, this has been much harder for me to do.  I can do it thru work but I’m not necessarily trying to date a coworker.

 

it goes back to my past comment on a prior thread…..who are you selecting to date?  Do you have a broken picker? Are you interested in people who fit a stereotype that also is common in those that are on the Cinderella/ princess storyline?  Do they view you as a different “class” in society or stereotype you based on your characteristics — maybe you come off as someone just looking for conquest/sex snd not love?

 

i have always approached online as a way to break the ice and slowly build this interaction up like in real life.  I never had expectations on  first meet romance.

[glows]

2 hours ago, max3732 said:

Just ask close female friends? A woman I work with recently told was shocked that I'm as old as I am when she found out my age and that I'm still single. She said I'm so kind and accomplished and can't believe I can't find someone.

A lot of women ask about my job and maybe I downplay it too much. I have a graduate degree and sacrificed a lot to get where I am, but then on these dates I mention going to grad school and kind of describe what I do and that's it. I've always been concerned about gold diggers or bragging too much. Maybe I should say something to show I'm doing well for myself and can provide for her?

When she asks about my hobbies I also go into long stories if she seems interested. With my date last week she didn't seem that interested in some hobbies so I just gave a short overview. This last one seemed interested and was asking questions so I went into more detail and then asked what interests she's passionate about and why. 

In her rejection text she also said "good luck with your hobbies". So is that all she thinks I care about? 

No, I meant real friends. The ones who know your sh-t stinks and can tell you to your face that you suck at something. And they do it nicely too so that the message gets across but you realize that you need some work. Those are the friends I'm talking about. It's ok if you don't have friends like this who know you very well. I hope you don't mind but from the little you've written you may (or may not) have a very narrow view of women as individuals who need providing or special care. It's the golddiggers and users who will make use of this view so I can see why you may be concerned about attracting that type. 

Start with tweaking your thoughts about women a bit more and appreciating them for their intelligence and independence and you'll naturally attract that type of woman because those are the traits you're looking for. Avoid long stories during dates or monologues. Some people can hold an interested or neutral face without showing waning interest. Occasionally turn the conversation back to the other person and ask what they think on a certain topic that you're passionate about. You'll hear that person speak and gauge for yourself whether you have common interests or are compatible. If it's esoteric and obscure, explain a little more and move onto a different topic if they can't contribute to what you're saying. The key is looking for common ground and shared interests. 

If you're more of the strong/quiet or reserved type, work on those conversation skills and keep things positive or at least neutral. I think there are also a lot of individuals just don't have a clue what they're looking for in a partner or whether they want a relationship so leave room for that too. I wouldn't overthink this too much. You're seeing the person to determine whether they're a good match for you too. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, max3732 said:

I've read/heard that part of what creates a romantic connection is breaking the touch barrier and showing her I'm physically interested in her.

When she asks about my hobbies I also go into long stories. In her rejection text she also said "good luck with your hobbies". So is that all she thinks I care about? 

Sadly "touch barrier" is a myth propagated by pickup artist rubbish. They sell lonely men the false idea that it's all about tricks to get women attracted. Of course it sounds good but many myths and snake old come-ons do. Stop reading this and your success rate on dates will markedly improve. 

You'll be able to be real and who you are rather than focused on the PUA tricks and tips to score.

Try not to monopolize the conversation with your interests.

[flitzanu]

you don't need to try to randomly touch a stranger in public to show her you like her, you already invited her on a date, so she knows you had interest.  also she said she didn't feel the connection, again, reiterating that she already knew you were physically attracted to her.  trying to touch people is not going to change any of that and it's going to be creepy.

[Allupinnit]

It could be any number of things - she might be dating other people as well and has decided to focus on someone else she likes more.

You can't go into a date with a checklist of things you should do in order to get someone to like you; they either do or don't, and forcing a touch is going to come across as too forward and unwelcome.

Sounds like you had a nice date, for whatever reason she wasn't into you as a boyfriend, though.

[Weezy1973]

She wasn’t attracted to you. Are there any women you’re not attracted to? If so, it’s like that. 

[Johnjohnson2017]

Unfortunately, in online dating, unless you are above average in looks, you will get a lot of "not romantically interested".

In online dating, there is no such thing as "letting the attraction grow". It's either there on the first coffee date, or there will not be a second date (or someone relunctuntly agrees to a second dae even though they don't feel it). 

If you met someone at work or through a group of friends, attraction can grow over time. But that doesn't apply to online dating unfortunately.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

Unfortunately, in online dating, unless you are above average in looks, you will get a lot of "not romantically interested".

In online dating, there is no such thing as "letting the attraction grow". It's either there on the first coffee date, or there will not be a second date (or someone relunctuntly agrees to a second dae even though they don't feel it). 

If you met someone at work or through a group of friends, attraction can grow over time. But that doesn't apply to online dating unfortunately.

It varies based on the person.

 

some look fir instant attraction or want 110% maximizers

 

others are satisfyers that will be satisfied and see where it goes after a few dates.

[Lotsgoingon]

She didn't "reject you."  She simply decided you weren't her type. She might in fact be telling girlfriends that you were great and would work with one of them.

Gotta drop the "reject' framework. 

Most dates should NOT result in "success." The vast majority of people are people we won't match well with. Keep going. Get to 20 dates ... 30, 40, 50! ... You'll get sharper with each and every date.

[basil67]

8 hours ago, max3732 said:

How would you define a romantic connection? Is there anything I can do to try and create one the next time? Usually if I find the woman physically attractive (which I do with everyone I ask out) then it's if she has similar goals/values and also seems like a fun person and the conversation flows nicely. In this case I felt like I had all of those things.

Sorry, it's my fault that you didn't understand - I was particularly vague.  The thing which is needed is a sexual attraction.  Chemistry.   And honestly, there is no rule or way to create it - it just is.  Some are sexually attracted to looks, while others like me are sexually attraction to personality.  But I can get along really well with someone and not have sexual attraction. 

I don't believe there's anything you can do to create one.  It's either there or it's not.  You know how women approach you but you're not interested....they could have a sexual attraction for you, but you don't feel it in return.  

 

[ShyViolet]

8 hours ago, max3732 said:

I've read/heard that part of what creates a romantic connection is breaking the touch barrier and showing her I'm physically interested in her. 

This is a big nope unless she has given you flirtatious vibes that she wants to be touched.  Otherwise, it's just creepy and inappropriate.  You don't randomly reach out and touch someone as a strategy to try and make them like you.  When going on a date, you just need to be yourself.  And either she is attracted to you or she's not.  This "breaking the touch barrier" trick isn't a real thing and is a great way to make a woman think you're being creepy.

[Maldives]

On 7/19/2022 at 11:54 AM, max3732 said:

Thought this date went much better than the previous one this week, but still got rejected. I don't know what else to do. I've been replaying the date in my mind and she was laughing a bunch of times and we talked about a bunch of fun topics as well as some more serious ones that she had on her profile. She said I picked a great place and she really enjoyed the conversation and I actually ended it after an hour or so. I tried some gentle teasing and also we had a lot of back and forth about different hobbies, goals, etc.

The only thing I didn't really do was touch her other than when we 1st met and when I said goodbye because we were seated across from each other at a restaurant. I guess I could have taken her hand or guided her on the small of her back, but aside from that I'm just lost and very disappointed.

I knew the one a few days ago (posted about 1 part of that) didn't go well, but with this one I really thought there was at least enough for a 2nd date. 

Next time if I feel attracted should I try more physical contact on a 1st date? What else would help with the romantic connection?

I don't think it's anything you could have improved on. Attractions not like a mathematical formula it's the heart they either feel it or don't. I wouldn't keep trying so hard to entertain them or make them happy, you are also going in there seeing if they are a fit for you take that angle on it on the next date as a suggestion. I think there's likely to be far more attraction that way as you're coming from a place of strength.

[basil67]

Yes, breaking the 'touch barrier' will show that you're physically interested in them.  But this is about having them be interested in you - and touching them will not make this happen.  I sometimes wonder if the men who come up with this advice have any clue how women work.

Edited July 20, 2022 by basil67