Thought my date went really well and got the 'no romantic connection' message after

[max3732]

7 hours ago, assertives said:

From what you've written, I'm wondering if you were remembering how the date based on how you had hoped it to go rather than how it actually turned out.

You said in your response to Versacehottie that you felt she wasn't actually listening to anything you are saying. 

and then a few paragraphs later, you said she seems to be very actively listening. The 2 statements contradict each other and you are puzzled that she said she didn't feel a connection.

I feel like if you actually sat down and think about it, you'll come to the same conclusion as she did that there probably really was no connection that night. Also, having good conversation or even chemistry with someone alot of times don't necessarily result in people wanting to date each other. So I wouldn't jump to think you that it was because it was something you did or didn't do.

As you can imagine these dates are rather emotional and I'm trying my best to remember everything, but may not get everything right. 

When I said that I "felt she wasn't actually listening to anything (I'm) saying" I was referring to previous dates where I didn't feel a connection and I didn't like that. On this last date that was the subject of my question she seemed to be actively listening, which was very refreshing and something I liked.

When I replay everything in my head it seemed like there was a great connection. The only thing is maybe she didn't feel a connection because she had deal breakers I didn't know about that I revealed with my answers.

I'm just trying my best to learn from the experience so I can bring my best self to dates and hopefully connect with the right person

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, max3732 said:

I'm just trying my best to learn from the experience so I can bring my best self to dates and hopefully connect with the right person

Unfortunately, each new woman/date is a whole new experience. So what one likes another doesn't. How any one particular date goes only tells you that that wasn't the right woman.

Be yourself, relax and let the conversation flow. You could do a detailed postmortem on every-one-and done date, but it won't tell you how the next woman will be.

[poppyfields]

@max3732what I am sensing from reading all your threads is that your dates sound contrived and forced versus natural and relaxed.   And allowing the conversation and energy between you to flow spontaneously and organically.   

Re asking pre-planned interview-like questions, I am not there, but people who do that come off stiff and rigid.  It's always been a huge turn off for me and other women I know.

Toss pre-planned questions in the trash!   Become comfortable in your own skin and act naturally and organically.  Ask questions based on the energy happening between you and each individual girl; as @Wiseman2said, every woman is different and thus will have different reactions and responses.  

That's why it's so important to become comfortable with yourself.  By doing so, connections will happen naturally, nothing contrived or forced.

You will KNOW it when it's there, you will FEEL it (so will she).  A connection is between the two of you, one person doesn't feel a connection and the other doesn't,.

Connection by definition is the joining of TWO things together or two people together.

Having common interests, getting along well, having fun does NOT a connection make.  Friendships are developed that way, but a romantic connection between two individuals goes deeper than that.  Again it's about an energy which you simply FEEL, it's not something tangible like saying "he/she was attractive, we got on so well and had a great time."

Heck I get on well with most people, I have had great fun on dates with attractive men, but felt NOTHING, no romantic connection.

That has always been an issue for the men I dated, as they would claim THEY felt it, but what they felt (most likely) was a physical attraction, we got on well, had some laughs. 

Again, that is not genuine chemistry/energy/connection.

I think generally speaking, since women tend to be more in touch with their emotions than men and can sense vibes, they can feel when that energy/chemistry is there and genuine, versus simply a physical attraction based on looks and having common interests.

This is why IMO you continue getting rejected by women.

I dunno, you seem like a very cool guy, it might be worth at least considering.

 

 

 

Edited July 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

@max3732what I am sensing from reading all your threads is that your dates sound contrived and forced versus natural and relaxed.   And allowing the conversation and energy between you to flow spontaneously and organically.   

Re asking pre-planned interview-like questions, I am not there, but people who do that come off stiff and rigid.  It's always been a huge turn off for me and other women I know.

Toss pre-planned questions in the trash!   Become comfortable in your own skin and act naturally and organically.  Ask questions based on the energy happening between you and each individual girl; as @Wiseman2said, every woman is different and thus will have different reactions and responses.  

That's why it's so important to become comfortable with yourself.  By doing so, connections will happen naturally, nothing contrived or forced.

You will KNOW it when it's there, you will FEEL it (so will she).  A connection is between the two of you, one person doesn't feel a connection and the other doesn't,.

Connection by definition is the joining of TWO things together or two people together.

Having common interests, getting along well, having fun does NOT a connection make.  Friendships are developed that way, but a romantic connection between two individuals goes deeper than that.  Again it's about an energy which you simply FEEL, it's not something tangible like saying "he/she was attractive, we got on so well and had a great time."

Heck I get on well with most people, I have had great fun on dates with attractive men, but felt NOTHING, no romantic connection.

That has always been an issue for the men I dated, as they would claim THEY felt it, but what they felt (most likely) was a physical attraction, we got on well, had some laughs. 

Again, that is not genuine chemistry/energy/connection.

I think generally speaking, since women tend to be more in touch with their emotions than men and can sense vibes, they can feel when that energy/chemistry is there and genuine, versus simply a physical attraction based on looks and having common interests.

This is why IMO you continue getting rejected by women.

I dunno, you seem like a very cool guy, it might be worth at least considering.

 

 

 

There are broad cartegories of women that if he is dating the same type they are going to be S8 liar

[Ami1uwant]

On 7/26/2022 at 4:10 PM, max3732 said:

I understand what you're saying and I think I can pick up on the difference between good and bad interruption and flow. What I don't like is when she asked something like "what do you do" and then as I'm answering says "where are you from" as I'm explaining that "what are your hobbies". It feels like scripted, very common questions and she's not actually listening to anything I'm saying. If it were a situation where she interrupted my hobbies to blurt out something about some interesting thing she's heard about one of her hobbies or in any way connected or asked about something that my answer reminded her of then I'd be excited and think things are going well. I think that's the kind of good flow you're talking about and not what I've complained about. Or am I mistaken?

When you say "failed to make one". It's not a situation where I give a long answer and she immediately just follow up with another question. She seemed to be very actively listening and we were both laughing and making comments all the time. I don't know how else to try and see if there's a connection there.

 

Perhaps my question/answer about this on the other thread wasn't explained properly. What I said I was going to avoid talking about in the future was asking what her experience has been like on the dating app, not questions about her family in the event it could lead to her talking about something like this. So I'm NOT trying to avoid talking about this at all. My question was how to handle it when this inevitably comes up again with someone else as I've encountered this before on a 1st date.

I agree with you 100% that this is a good opportunity to show the kind of partner I'd be and that's why I was asking for help to figure out what's kind of socially acceptable with a stranger on a 1st date. My instinct is to be very empathetic and supportive and give her a shoulder to cry on, but I didn't know if that would be going too far on a 1st date. It's also something that gets me very emotional and again I'm not sure if she wants to see that kind of emotion on a 1st date.

I also trying to flirt and have fun on the dates, not act all serious like a job interview. That's one thing that bothered me with her and some other women. I'm asking them about things that should be fun and exciting and I'm getting excited talking about them and they seem like robots. I like it when they smile, laugh, and don't take themselves so seriously talking about silly things that I try to bring up. On my date that didn't have a romantic connection I thought I was doing that.

How do you try to flirt?  These also can be a problem point in how you do it.

 

going into the date you should have an agenda of what you want to learn about her on some important things if you want to Perdue something with her.

 

you do want flow and it not be an interview

[Alpacalia]

On 7/19/2022 at 1:15 PM, Weezy1973 said:

She wasn’t attracted to you. Are there any women you’re not attracted to? If so, it’s like that. 

This, in a nutshell.

All the other hoopla is just hoopla.

[poppyfields]

@max3732

Agree with @Weezy1973she's not attracted to you but I think it's worth exploring why since this has become a common theme with all your dates.

You are early 40s @max, you are the common denominator.  You are also an attractive man physically, so it goes deeper than women not finding you attractive or not being "attracted to" you.

Again and JMO but I suspect it's the energy you project which may come off contrived and stiff.

I base that on all your threads combined discussing this same issue, not just this thread and again worthy of consideration, along with other helpful advice from others..

 

 

 

Edited July 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[max3732]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

@max3732

Agree with @Weezy1973she's not attracted to you but I think it's worth exploring why since this has become a common theme with all your dates.

You are early 40s @max, you are the common denominator.  You are also an attractive man physically, so it goes deeper than women not finding you attractive or not being "attracted to" you.

Again and JMO but I suspect it's the energy you project which may come off contrived and stiff.

I base that on all your threads combined discussing this same issue, not just this thread and again worthy of consideration, along with other helpful advice from others..

 

 

 

Pretty tired from exercise right now so not going to write a lot, but if there is something wrong with the energy I'm giving off I'd like to find a way to fix it. The other thing I was thinking was this uncontrolled blinking that only happens to me when I get really nervous around women I'm attracted to when I'm nervous. I did a virtual "speed date" for like 3 minutes where I can see myself on the screen and got matched with someone in another state, but was talking to someone I liked and I could see myself blinking on the video, but then got it under control. 

Besides that I know I used to be really stiff, like a robot and would sometimes even start to stutter but I think I'm way past that now. I'm definitely not stuttering and on this date in particular I thought I was relaxed and going with the flow.

[glows]

2 hours ago, max3732 said:

Pretty tired from exercise right now so not going to write a lot, but if there is something wrong with the energy I'm giving off I'd like to find a way to fix it. The other thing I was thinking was this uncontrolled blinking that only happens to me when I get really nervous around women I'm attracted to when I'm nervous. I did a virtual "speed date" for like 3 minutes where I can see myself on the screen and got matched with someone in another state, but was talking to someone I liked and I could see myself blinking on the video, but then got it under control. 

Besides that I know I used to be really stiff, like a robot and would sometimes even start to stutter but I think I'm way past that now. I'm definitely not stuttering and on this date in particular I thought I was relaxed and going with the flow.

I have not done speed dating but might imagine it to be something like walking into a carwash and I'm sure blinking is forgivable. I'm nearly 99% certain you are actually an ok guy with a lot to offer and it's not uncommon to be running into not a lot of success. It's really a matter of luck and meeting someone who is more on the same page. Don't lose hope.

[Ami1uwant]

12 hours ago, max3732 said:

Pretty tired from exercise right now so not going to write a lot, but if there is something wrong with the energy I'm giving off I'd like to find a way to fix it. The other thing I was thinking was this uncontrolled blinking that only happens to me when I get really nervous around women I'm attracted to when I'm nervous. I did a virtual "speed date" for like 3 minutes where I can see myself on the screen and got matched with someone in another state, but was talking to someone I liked and I could see myself blinking on the video, but then got it under control. 

Besides that I know I used to be really stiff, like a robot and would sometimes even start to stutter but I think I'm way past that now. I'm definitely not stuttering and on this date in particular I thought I was relaxed and going with the flow.

the crux is what is the difference between the girls you like who reject you vs the girls who like you but you reject.  You have not yet seem to have found a middle ground.

 

is it in your mannerisms

how you act

besides the blinking, is there something else in your voice/ behavior

 

the ones you don’t have interest in…is it purely on looks? Is there something else?  Have you though …if the date goes well in terms of conversation or flow to at least have a date 2 and see what happens?

 

maybe there is something in your mannerisms/ behavior you do to the ones you reject that makes you more attractive or not as desparate..

 

 

[smackie9]

Don't worry about they PU stuff, worry about how you carry yourself. Get the nervousness under control. Confidence wins the girl, that is all you have to remember. 

[max3732]

On 7/28/2022 at 8:50 AM, Ami1uwant said:

the crux is what is the difference between the girls you like who reject you vs the girls who like you but you reject.  You have not yet seem to have found a middle ground.

 

is it in your mannerisms

how you act

besides the blinking, is there something else in your voice/ behavior

 

the ones you don’t have interest in…is it purely on looks? Is there something else?  Have you though …if the date goes well in terms of conversation or flow to at least have a date 2 and see what happens?

 

maybe there is something in your mannerisms/ behavior you do to the ones you reject that makes you more attractive or not as desparate..

 

 

When I'm with someone I'm interested in I definitely get more nervous. I don't know if that translates to anything else besides the blinking that she would notice. Maybe I talk faster and a lot more than usual. 

With ones I don't have an interest in it usually has nothing to do with looks since I only go out with ones that are my type physically. Usually it's been values/political differences, whether she seems interesting/enjoys life or how she treats people. For example there was one date recently where on paper she looked amazing and had an incredible background but just gave 1 word answers and seemed miserable the whole time. Another recent one made is pretty clear she was very selfish and seemed to have a chip on her shoulder. 

At  least from my POV I'd hope that I come across as being kind, competent, fun, etc. 

I saw something where they said a lot of women will reject men under 6 feet even if they're like 5'2 and other women will reject men because they don't have the same brand phone or any other number of minor things. Maybe they don't like the fact I haven't moved very often, which is the opposite of some of the women I've met. 

Or maybe I get so excited with someone I feel like could be a possible match I give off a deserate vibe. I wish there was some way to tell.

I've got a couple more dates coming up so we'll see what happens. Another reason a lot of these dates don't work out is the woman is just traveling and looking for a free meal or a tour guide.

[glows]

You can gain a lot of info in one date or the first meet up. It depends on the questions asked and how easily the conversation flows. 

Not too sure about those ones you’ve described. They sound like bullets dodged. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I've got a couple more dates coming up so we'll see what happens. Another reason a lot of these dates don't work out is the woman is just traveling and looking for a free meal or a tour guide.

No meals on the first meet or distance dating. It's that simple. Also just be yourself and try not to be self conscious. Put less investment into if it works out. Just think of it as meeting someone. 

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, max3732 said:

When I'm with someone I'm interested in I definitely get more nervous. I don't know if that translates to anything else besides the blinking that she would notice. Maybe I talk faster and a lot more than usual. 

With ones I don't have an interest in it usually has nothing to do with looks since I only go out with ones that are my type physically. Usually it's been values/political differences, whether she seems interesting/enjoys life or how she treats people. For example there was one date recently where on paper she looked amazing and had an incredible background but just gave 1 word answers and seemed miserable the whole time. Another recent one made is pretty clear she was very selfish and seemed to have a chip on her shoulder. 

At  least from my POV I'd hope that I come across as being kind, competent, fun, etc. 

I saw something where they said a lot of women will reject men under 6 feet even if they're like 5'2 and other women will reject men because they don't have the same brand phone or any other number of minor things. Maybe they don't like the fact I haven't moved very often, which is the opposite of some of the women I've met. 

Or maybe I get so excited with someone I feel like could be a possible match I give off a deserate vibe. I wish there was some way to tell.

I've got a couple more dates coming up so we'll see what happens. Another reason a lot of these dates don't work out is the woman is just traveling and looking for a free meal or a tour guide.

I’m not asking about failed dates but the ones you said had interest in you fir another date but you didnt with them.  Was there something different.

 

what have you done fir first meets? Go to a meal?  If you go fir a meal, your rating dtyle coukd be a turn off or the foods you choose could be a turn off.

 

dosomething different.

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, max3732 said:

Or maybe I get so excited with someone I feel like could be a possible match I give off a deserate vibe. I wish there was some way to tell.

If I were to guess, when we overvalue someone for example because you are excited/think she's a great match for you, more than likely it's a version of this...Might not specifically be desperate but there is a level of "freezing up". Not being yourself or comfortable, at ease.  This happens a lot, across whichever subject matter whenever a person wants something really badly, in turn overvalues that thing and/or the relation to that moment of "proving" his/herself and is not behaving confidently and freely and comfortably.

Still might not be a match with whatever person, but my guess if you are worried about the blinking or surface level stuff such as not having lived in as many places as the others being issue, deeper stuff isn't even being brought to the first date in terms of fun, connection.

Lastly, the moving around is effectively symbolic (perhaps as you meant it)...if someone values the vibe of adventure and spontaneity and your HISTORY doesn't show it and you yourself don't show it on the date, in their minds they are probably quick to sum it up that you are not adventurous or spontaneous or fun. So I doubt you are being rejected because those "facts" don't line up but more so that they are a clue to the other person, and then on the date itself, the vibe from you further reinforces what they believe. (people probably have a leaning bias to their belief system and their overall attraction to you). IMO, if they were having fun and felt you were in realm of a guy they would date, you will get a second date. 

No "blaming" you entirely, just saying that something is getting lost in translation...perhaps where they're thinking "not for me". I definitely keep going with somehow you need to be bringing more fun, playfulness to the dates. I say that because even in the recounting--the dates feel a little dull...🙈this IMO is not necessarily due to the venue, what is chosen to do etc. Might be for some of the dates, but as a reoccurring pattern, the big picture has to be looked at. I know you are trying via analyzing it...maybe that is 1/2 the problem.