Platonic love

[TiinaF]

I've been married for 11 years but the relationship technically ended 8 years ago. We just never talked about separation but we are like roommates. On the surface we may look like a good family. 

2 years ago I met a guy who is 15 years younger than me who seemed to really really like me. He texted me every single day sometimes twice a day. We got close through texts during pandemic. We found many common things and we both could not believe our personality compatibility. He kept asking me about my husband which I tried to avoid answering.

One day, he suddenly moved out of town for work. I went to see him before he left. He gave me a long hug despite being in the pandemic. I wrote a long letter. He appreciated it a lot and told me to keep in touch. 

But after he moved, he stopped contacting me. I cried every single day for months. One day I contacted him but he was cold to me. After a month of crying and being depressed, I called him and asked why he was so cold to me. He said his new girl friend is very jealous and cannot tolerate any trace of girls...

When he told me he has a gf, it did not bother me at all. Deep down I knew it was a temporary relationship and part of me knew that eventually we will be together.

I stopped contacting him to respect his relationship with this girl. But of course I cried every single day missing him.

One day, I woke up crying in the morning. I looked into the mirror and found a deadly awful look of a woman. It was not doing anything good for me. I decided to forget about him. Started exercising, caring for my skin, focusing on my career and family. I booked several family trips to reunite with my family again. 

After a while, I felt ok but was still thinking about him. I contacted him again asking if he might be in town sometime so we can meet up. I thought meeting him and telling him my feelings would somehow put an end to this whole thing. He told me he will come see me...just for me. I almost had a heart attack. 

After then, I started thinking and crying about him again. Family trip was not enjoyable. I kept wondering how he would react to this beautiful scenery or what he would say seeing this. It was a trip with him in my mind. 

I asked him to call me so I could honestly tell him my feelings. There was no way I could continue doing this to myself. But he told me he was busy (he does have a hectic job). 

I'm back to crying and depressed every day.

Normally, I approach relationship more dry. If I like someone, I straightforward tell him. If he doesn't like me, I move on quickly. I always thought it's a waste of time clinging on to someone. This is the first time I ever loved someone who I don't see often for such a long time.

For my marriage, we will eventually separate but just hesitating for kids. Should I tell him my feeling before he comes to see me or wait until I see him?

Edited July 19, 2022 by TiinaF

[basil67]

Between the fact that you are married and your emotional health is very fragile, you are in no state to be making declarations of any kind to this young man whether now or later.  It's terribly unfair of you to unburden yourself in his direction, especially when he has a girlfriend and you are married.  

Please see your primary care physician for support and get yourself on the road to recovery.   When you are strong enough, sort out your marriage one way or another and then you will be free to move on

 

Edited July 19, 2022 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, TiinaF said:

I've been married for 11 years but the relationship technically ended 8 years ago.

I asked him to call me so I could honestly tell him my feelings.  But he told me he was busy

I'm back to crying and depressed every day.

 Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately a fling is like a putting a bandaid on cancer. Your marriage and unhappiness will keep corroding while this man finds more excuse to avoid you and be with his GF. 

If you are not ready to divorce/separate, at least see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Mention the crying jags and sustained sadness anxiety and inertia as far as resolving your marital problems. As for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, TiinaF said:

Should I tell him my feeling before he comes to see me or wait until I see him?

You have no right to tell him your feelings at all. He is in another relationship and he has moved on, let him go. Keep your dignity, and let him go. 

He has attempted to enforce a boundary here, so you need to respect that. What I find really sad here is the fact that you have shown more respect for this man than you have for your husband. (“I stopped contacting him to respect his relationship with this girl.”). 

You can attempt to justify it all you want, but you are still “technically” married to the man if you are still living with him and you haven’t signed any papers. If the intent is to separate and divorce, I would suggest that you just do it. You are not doing your children any favours if by staying in your marriage, their mother is depressed and preoccupied with an extramarital relationship… You have formed a very unhealthy attachment to a man who has now chosen another woman. That needs to stop, for your sake and for your children. They want a healthy and happy mother. 

I hope you make three appointments this week - one with a doctor to assess your depression, two with a counsellor, and three with a lawyer to get some information. 

Edited July 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[TiinaF]

Thank you so much for the generous advice. All are invaluable, honest, helpful, and objective comments. It sounds reasonable and rationale. 
 

I have been on anti-depressant and seeing a therapist. My therapist told me I’m suffering from a grief of a loss. Loss of a good friend and a potential future life partner, which I think is correct. 

i don’t think this man is dating his said gf anymore. Otherwise he would not ask me to spend time with him when he visits me in 6 months. 
 

I’m talking to my therapist how to proceed with separation. I don’t know why my husband never asked me for separation after 8 years of no relationship whatsoever. He would not cheer me or care about me when I’m seeking further career and being passionate about my work. I want a partner who can support my progress and push me further to improve my skills professionally. Instead, he expects me to do everything at home like a house wife. There is just no compatibility as a life partner.

This man gave me an opportunity to think about separation in my marriage. 
Having said that, the quality of our compatibility is undeniable and I can’t help but thinking I’d never find a man like him again..

There have been other men in my marriage who approached me but I was never attracted to them. Someone even explicitly told me he is looking for a partner like me and asked me if I’d move to his town (no romance involved). It was still not a foundational shake up for me. Until I met this guy..

Edited July 19, 2022 by TiinaF

[BaileyB]

55 minutes ago, TiinaF said:

This man gave me an opportunity to think about separation in my marriage. 

This happens for many women, their affair partner allows them to see another alternative and gives them the confidence to file for divorce. It’s called an “exit affair.”

That said, many women do not end up with their affair partner. These relationships serve their purpose - it’s not a given that they will go on to become a healthy, long term relationship. Many do not. 

I worry because you have really built this man up in your mind and reality rarely compares to the fantasy we create. This relationship is essentially built in fantasy - you don’t actually know this man as a romantic relationship partner which makes me leery when you say… “I can’t help but thinking I’d never find a man like him again..” 

55 minutes ago, TiinaF said:

My therapist told me I’m suffering from a grief of a loss. Loss of a good friend and a potential future life partner, which I think is correct. 

I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. I would say that you are missing the contact with a man who has been a friend to you. In a sense, you are dealing with the loss of your chosen coping strategy - and you have struggled to find another coping strategy to fill the void. You are perhaps disappointed and grieving the loss of the fantasy you have created…

55 minutes ago, TiinaF said:

i don’t think this man is dating his said gf anymore. Otherwise he would not ask me to spend time with him when he visits me in 6 months. 

I wouldn’t make that assumption - lots of men on this site who are in a relationship and travelling to meet up with their affair partner. 

Besides, it matters not if he is in a relationship because YOU are married to another man. If you want to date other men and find another relationship for yourself, you will need to deal with your marriage. If you want that relationship to have the best opportunity to succeed, it is best to end your marriage before getting involved with another man. At this point, I would have little faith that you are making a good and healthy decision for yourself because you are making the decision to get involved with a man from a desperate and unhappy place. Decisions made out of desperation tend not to be very good decisions. It’s never healthy for one to move from one relationship directly to another. File for divorce, grieve the end of your marriage, get your children settled, find your own happiness, and then look for a man to date/another relationship. It will take patience and strength, but you will be all the better and healthier for it. 

Edited July 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[Will am I]

Let me start with something very positive: it sounds like you are truly in love.

But: there is a reason why this feeling can remain so strong for such a long time. The infrequent and secretive nature of the contact keeps the tension high. Imagine divorcing from your husband and living with your OM in one house, probably your feelings will soon normalize and you will see him with his good and not-so-good sides. Maybe the OM would make a compatible spouse, maybe not.

I would suggest you change your focus from OM to your first problem: you have been in a marriage but not experiencing any love for 8 long years.

Why are you still married? There are usually several answers for this. Love, affection, comfort, kids, finances, home, shame to admit failure, insecurity about the future, you name it. And you can pick more than one. I believe that "staying together for the kids" is a convenience answer. Kids from divorced parents can be just fine, as long as their parents aren't fighting eachother all the time. 

P.S. your situation is somewhat familiar. I may be questioning your motives, but I'm definitely not judging you.

[TiinaF]

Thank you all for honest advice and comments. I needed to hear them. My therapist does not tell me these straight to the point opinion, which I think is their strategy to build a good relationship with me.

It will take a long time and pain, but I will work this out.

thank you.

[mark clemson]

On 7/18/2022 at 7:41 PM, TiinaF said:

  I'm back to crying and depressed every day.

So, it sounds quite possible you may have clinical depression. This is something your therapist could (I would hope) help you determine.

If the crying you describe is due to "longing" for him, and comes with intrusive thoughts of him, it is also possible you have developed limerence. Reading the article on limerence below might help you determine that.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

[pepperbird2]

On 7/18/2022 at 11:41 PM, TiinaF said:

I've been married for 11 years but the relationship technically ended 8 years ago. We just never talked about separation but we are like roommates. On the surface we may look like a good family. 

2 years ago I met a guy who is 15 years younger than me who seemed to really really like me. He texted me every single day sometimes twice a day. We got close through texts during pandemic. We found many common things and we both could not believe our personality compatibility. He kept asking me about my husband which I tried to avoid answering.

One day, he suddenly moved out of town for work. I went to see him before he left. He gave me a long hug despite being in the pandemic. I wrote a long letter. He appreciated it a lot and told me to keep in touch. 

But after he moved, he stopped contacting me. I cried every single day for months. One day I contacted him but he was cold to me. After a month of crying and being depressed, I called him and asked why he was so cold to me. He said his new girl friend is very jealous and cannot tolerate any trace of girls...

When he told me he has a gf, it did not bother me at all. Deep down I knew it was a temporary relationship and part of me knew that eventually we will be together.

I stopped contacting him to respect his relationship with this girl. But of course I cried every single day missing him.

One day, I woke up crying in the morning. I looked into the mirror and found a deadly awful look of a woman. It was not doing anything good for me. I decided to forget about him. Started exercising, caring for my skin, focusing on my career and family. I booked several family trips to reunite with my family again. 

After a while, I felt ok but was still thinking about him. I contacted him again asking if he might be in town sometime so we can meet up. I thought meeting him and telling him my feelings would somehow put an end to this whole thing. He told me he will come see me...just for me. I almost had a heart attack. 

After then, I started thinking and crying about him again. Family trip was not enjoyable. I kept wondering how he would react to this beautiful scenery or what he would say seeing this. It was a trip with him in my mind. 

I asked him to call me so I could honestly tell him my feelings. There was no way I could continue doing this to myself. But he told me he was busy (he does have a hectic job). 

I'm back to crying and depressed every day.

Normally, I approach relationship more dry. If I like someone, I straightforward tell him. If he doesn't like me, I move on quickly. I always thought it's a waste of time clinging on to someone. This is the first time I ever loved someone who I don't see often for such a long time.

For my marriage, we will eventually separate but just hesitating for kids. Should I tell him my feeling before he comes to see me or wait until I see him?

I’m sorry to say this sounds like a whole lot of projection with a pinch of wishful thinking. 

[stillafool]

On 7/19/2022 at 9:08 AM, TiinaF said:

Quote

I don’t think this man is dating his said gf anymore. Otherwise he would not ask me to spend time with him when he visits me in 6 months. 

If he's told you his new gf can't tolerate any trace of other women and he's complying, he isn't going to leave her.  He had already made her his gf knowing you love him, so......
 

Quote

I’m talking to my therapist how to proceed with separation. I don’t know why my husband never asked me for separation after 8 years of no relationship whatsoever. He would not cheer me or care about me when I’m seeking further career and being passionate about my work. I want a partner who can support my progress and push me further to improve my skills professionally. Instead, he expects me to do everything at home like a house wife. There is just no compatibility as a life partner.

It is best to talk to a lawyer about the procedures of separation and divorce, especially if kids and property are involved.  Why haven't you been the one to ask your husband for a separation and divorce since you're unhappy with him and in love with another man.  Maybe you should come clean with why you are crying all day and then he may ask for a divorce.

Quote

This man gave me an opportunity to think about separation in my marriage. 
Having said that, the quality of our compatibility is undeniable and I can’t help but thinking I’d never find a man like him again..

This guy is 15 years younger, foot loose and fancy free.  Where do you think this is going other than maybe some sex and a memory.  I don't see this young man taking on another man's wife and kids and all the drama that will follow you.  Be realistic.

Quote

There have been other men in my marriage who approached me but I was never attracted to them. Someone even explicitly told me he is looking for a partner like me and asked me if I’d move to his town (no romance involved). It was still not a foundational shake up for me. Until I met this guy..

 

This isn't surprising.  We don't just fall for everyone who approaches us or are attracted to us.