There's a dealbreaker but she wants to continue dating?

[free_radicals]

In April, I joined a facebook meetup group that meets regularly in person. After talking to a particular woman in the group (one of the group leads), it happened so that we have a lot in common (I'm 40, she's 37). After a few group meet ups, we expressed interest in meeting 1 on 1, though we never called it dating. In the background though, I approached our meet ups as dates and I acted accordingly (asking her to join me for a specific activity, date, and time, using light kino, asking questions that you would ask during dates, etc.). We've had two meet ups so far. No kiss or holding hands. During the second one, the topic of kids came up, and that's where the dealbreaker is: I do not want kids, but she wants to adopt. After this, I was bummed and intended to stop asking for 1 on 1 meet ups and just continue our facebook group meet ups as normal (friends). Our second (last meet up) was about 2.5 weeks ago. However, yesterday she texted saying she wanted to see me, and asked if it was OK if she made reservations for us to get a drink. The word "date" got thrown in various text exchanges also. I was not expecting her to ask me out, primarily because of this dealbreaker. I texted back saying yes to the date. However, I'm not sure if this will go anywhere in the end. Yet, I'm wondering if there's any flexibility on the dealbreaker or more she can elaborate as we did not go in detail. Should I just go with the flow? Stop dating her? Bring up the dealbreaker to talk about it more? Bring it up when/if she brings up the relationship talk?

Edited July 19, 2022 by free_radicals
adding context

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, free_radicals said:

asking her to join me for a specific activity, date, and time, using light kino. We've had two meet ups so far. No kiss or holding hands. During the second one, the topic of kids came up, and that's where the dealbreaker is: I do not want kids, but she wants to adopt. 

Unfortunately there seems to be an impasse. You seem to want to date casually anyway so that's fine until you need to bow out.

[free_radicals]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately there seems to be an impasse. You seem to want to date casually anyway so that's fine until you need to bow out.

What's the impasse? I don't want to date casually - I'm dating for long term.

[Ami1uwant]

14 minutes ago, free_radicals said:

What's the impasse? I don't want to date casually - I'm dating for long term.

You should have said no to dating. Getting together as friends is fine but you want different things.  You don’t want kids and she wants kids.

[central]

Go on the date, but discuss why it can't work if she really wants to adopt.  Be sure you're NOT on the same page and that her wish to adopt is actually a requirement.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, free_radicals said:

What's the impasse?

The impasse is the deal-breaker.

5 hours ago, free_radicals said:

the dealbreaker is: I do not want kids, but she wants to adopt.

 

[ShyViolet]

Just because she wants kids and you don't, why does that mean you and her can't hang out?  Are we only hanging out with people that we will eventually be getting married to?  I didn't get that memo.  If you enjoy each other's company, what is wrong with casually hanging out?

If you are adamant that you only want to date people that you can have a serious, long term relationship with, and don't want to waste time with casual dating, then don't see her anymore.  Be honest and up-front about what you are looking for.  But maybe she is more willing to date casually and accepts the fact that not every casual relationship has to lead to marriage.

[Maldives]

5 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Just because she wants kids and you don't, why does that mean you and her can't hang out?  Are we only hanging out with people that we will eventually be getting married to?  I didn't get that memo.  If you enjoy each other's company, what is wrong with casually hanging out?

If you are adamant that you only want to date people that you can have a serious, long term relationship with, and don't want to waste time with casual dating, then don't see her anymore.  Be honest and up-front about what you are looking for.  But maybe she is more willing to date casually and accepts the fact that not every casual relationship has to lead to marriage.

That sort of thing is way in the future anyway where anything can happen you may change your mind she may change hers. Your call. 

[free_radicals]

Interesting developments: she clarified the adopting kids part somewhat and I THINK we are ok. She basically said that just because she WANTS doesn't mean she WILL. Not completely sold, so i'll still be cautious. The kicker: She didn't think I was interested, but SHE has been interested all along, so she was going to settle me as a friend. She thought we were hanging as friends. We both clarified on mutual interest and so we are on the same page now! Exciting but I will proceed with caution on our future "real" dates re: adopting kids.

Edited July 21, 2022 by free_radicals
adding context

[smackie9]

Kids must be a big enough deal to her to bring it up. Kids is a huge thing. Me personally would cut her loose. There is no point in "hanging out" if both want a relationship eventually. You are wasting your time. 

[Versacehottie]

I think probably deep down you are each hoping the other can change his/her mind. So yes I agree with it being an impasse.  

I actually usually believe that you can check things out/hang out and see what happens usually or in general,  but being so clear on this subject (each) and then ignoring it in order to date is probably more than likely going to end up being a waste of time--so if you are looking to date for a serious relationship, I don't think either of you should put your time/effort here. 

Edited July 21, 2022 by Versacehottie

[glows]

4 hours ago, free_radicals said:

Interesting developments: she clarified the adopting kids part somewhat and I THINK we are ok. She basically said that just because she WANTS doesn't mean she WILL. Not completely sold, so i'll still be cautious. The kicker: She didn't think I was interested, but SHE has been interested all along, so she was going to settle me as a friend. She thought we were hanging as friends. We both clarified on mutual interest and so we are on the same page now! Exciting but I will proceed with caution on our future "real" dates re: adopting kids.

Sometimes people aren't very careful with their wording or throw out comments that need some clarification later. I'd try a few dates as you have nothing to lose and see whether you're compatible. For all you know you may not work out based on other reasons, or this may be the love of your life. 

Good luck and enjoy the next meeting.

[Amygirl1080]

I think you should keep seeing her, it’s so new and she’s clarified that for her it’s not a deal breaker. If that’s the only thing holding you back I think you should keep exploring the connection.

I have a sister who wanted children very much but her partner didn’t. They do not have children, have been together 25 years and are very happy together. I have another sister who didn’t want children but her partner did and they have two kids, she loves being a mom and wouldn’t have it any other way. We honestly don’t know what the future will hold and I think it’s important to keep an open mind. I’m not telling you that you have to change your mind but why close yourself off from something that could be great!