I think my boyfriend is blaming me for being sexually harassed because of the way that I dress and I don't know what to do.

[Millie_Sbv]

Hi! I have been with my boyfriend since February and I feel things are good between us but I have noticed that almost every time that we see each other he has something to say about the way that I dress.

I live in a country where the weather is super warm so usually when I go out I wear dresses or shorts. I don’t think they are too revealing but my boyfriend is constantly asking me if I have men staring at me or telling me things on the streets because of that.

Sometimes he is more subtle. For example, he once asked me if other men stare at me because when he looks at me he thinks I look pretty so other men must think the same.

Other time I wanted to go to a sports bar with him but he didn’t agree to go because he didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable with all the men looking at me.

Sometimes he says it as a joke, when he notices other guys looking at me when we are walking together.

The reason that I’m asking for advice here is because last weekend he made 2 comments that truly annoyed me. I went to his house and he asked me if it was not uncomfortable for me to wear a top showing my boobs because of the Uber that drove me to his place. I don’t think my top was too revealing but whatever. And then, the next day I went to the supermarket and he waited for me on the car and when I went back from the supermarket he was extremely upset because he told me that there was some taxi driver looking at me all the way. He was upset with the taxi driver and said he was disgusting. He wasn’t upset with me.

I would like to heard your opinions about this. Part of me, just feels that he is worried about my safety but other part of me just thinks he is being controlling and that things are going to get worse.

He did buy me a pepper spray so maybe he is just really worried?

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Millie_Sbv said:

Hi! I have been with my boyfriend since February almost every time that we see each other he has something to say about the way that I dress.

he didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable with all the men looking at me.

Sorry this is happening. 6 months is a good time to observe red flags such as controlling, possessive and jealous behaviors, like this. Step way back and reflect if you want someone doing this to you. There is nothing caring or protective about his comments or behaviors.

[Ami1uwant]

I don’t know the culture of where you live and is he truly worried on your safety or is he worried about his reputation.

 

 

[ShyViolet]

At this point, if I were you, I would be breaking up with this guy.  He's pretending that he's just worried about your safety, but really he's being insulting, disrespectful and controlling.  It's almost like he's treating you like a child, like you're not capable of dressing yourself and taking care of yourself.  There's no way I would put up with that.  I'd be saying goodbye.

[basil67]

From what you've written, you're not being sexually harassed.  Looking at a women is not sexual harassment.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, Millie_Sbv said:

He did buy me a pepper spray so maybe he is just really worried?

Does he use hammers to kill moths, too?

Men looking at you is not sexual harassment; I agree with @basil67 there.  It might not feel pleasant, but it's not a crime nor is it generally dangerous behaviour. 

Having said that, your boyfriends constantly disrespectful and belittling comments about what sounds like normal hot-weather attire are concerning. I would not date a man who was that insecure. My advice is to lose him, because this sort of behaviour usually only gets worse. 

[smackie9]

This guy is controlling and insecure. Find a new BF, he ain't gonna change. 

[poppyfields]

I dunno, my fiancé rather enjoys when men notice me; he feels proud, as HE is the one who capured me lol, the other guys can eat their hearts out. 😆

I also enjoy seeing women noticing him!  

I think it's normal to notice attractive people, it's human nature for goodness sake. 

I would never survive in such an oppressive relationship.  No way, no how, I'd be utterly turned OFF by it and wondering why you're not and haven't dumped his insecure arse. 

My advice is avoid insecure controlling men like this, they will bring you down big time.  

Edited July 20, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

It is common for men to be protective of the women they love or care about.

If these men disrespect you, ogle and comment on your breasts, or something, then that's something else entirely.

There are also many men out there who love to have a partner that is so hot that all the other men wish to have them as a partner. You might call it narcissism with a hint of possessiveness thrown in for good measure. In fact, some men report this being a driving factor in agreeing to their significant other's extra-relationship excursions.

Neither of those are acceptable.

Nobody wants a guy who treats them like furniture.

Your boyfriend can feel jealous at times, and most people have the ability to handle this feeling quite well. A lot of times though, the underlying cause of jealousy is a patriarchal mindset or a deep-seated emotional and psychological issue that has a profound effect on the person.

Having to deal with a man like this can be quite unpleasant, so if his jealousy is causing you discomfort, you will not tolerate it.

Edited July 20, 2022 by Alpacalia

[introverted1]

It's unclear from your OP whether you are, in fact, being sexually harassed. Can you clarify?

 

[Gaeta]

You've been dating 5 months. What you see is the tip of the iceburg. You're in the honeymoon phase, that's when we are on our best behavior, imagine how bad it will get once you settle in a long term relationship. His accusations won't stop at men out and about, he'll soon accuse you of dragging male family members, accuse you of cheating, he'll have huge fits. It's time to exit that relationship while your head still has some jugement.