NPD taught me to use white lies

[Mito]

I’m probably breaking up anyway with my new BF (6 years in…) but I still question this one thing. My prior ex was the NPD abuser father of my two kids. He was very controlling and a scary assh@le. I was the breadwinner but he’d tell me to take public transit. It wasn’t really safe at 6am in the dark. So I’d drive, but tell him I took the train.  He’d ask me if I remembered to warm up the car (my car in summer) and I say yes I did (didn’t). If he didn’t like a friend of mine, I’d say I was seeing a different friend (he only liked the ones who hadn’t noticed he was an ass).  Well I’ve tried to break the habit, but the fear of not doing what someone wants remains.  About 2 years back my friend (girlfriend with kids my kids age) asked me to come over for bbq and I was dating my new bf.  He asked me to dinner and I said I was having dinner with my brother because it seemed less “rejecting” than saying I was seeing my friend.  It was not necessary but to my ears sounded kinder. While at my friends my kids were using my phone and killed the battery.  I plugged it in once at home and he’d (new bf) called me multiple times.  Had driven by my house at 10pm and I wasn’t home (we got home at 11 or so). I called him and he was drunk and furious said I was cheating etc.  we met up and I explained my stupid lie was just knee jerk habit from my ex being abusive. He said that was hard to believe I’d tell such a stupid lie. We hashed it out.  But every once in awhile he still tells me it’s bullshit: no way I’d lie to see a friend etc etc.  honestly I’m not the cheating type-the idea disgusts me. This was post pandemic and I was desperate to get a few friends back in my life (especially for my kids).  Am I the only one that told stupid lies after NPD years?    I tried so hard for years “not to get in trouble”.  Obviously a damaging habit.  I think we will split up soon: still in part because apparently he never accepted this especially since I hadn’t kept my battery charged (kids had my phone at friends house watching YouTube).  

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Mito said:

Had driven by my house at 10pm and I wasn’t home (we got home at 11 or so). I called him and he was drunk and furious said I was cheating etc.  

I know this isn't what you asked, but the above is highly problematic and frankly, you would be wise to end it today.   After all the years with your ex, perhaps you see it as "normal", but it should not be acceptable to you.  Given that he didn't yet know anything was amiss, this business of driving past your house to check up on you, getting drunk and accusing you of cheating just because he couldn't reach you is abusive. Expecting you to be constantly available by phone is abusive.  Phones run out of charge - it's a fact of life.  And if he gets like this, over a depleted phone battery, what's he going to be like when something really goes bad?

About the lying, yes, it's a dealbreaker for a great many people and rightfully so.  Are you doing therapy?  Perhaps role playing difficult situations could help?  And while you're there talk more about recognising abuse

If you feel at all at risk when leaving this guy, blame yourself.  (It's not you, it's me).  Tell him that you're not in a space for a relationship and need to do more work on yourself.  (this actually is the truth anyway)  You could also tell him he needs someone who better meets his needs if you want.

Edited July 20, 2022 by basil67

[Mito]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I know this isn't what you asked, but the above is highly problematic and frankly, you would be wise to end it today.   After all the years with your ex, perhaps you see it as "normal", but it should not be acceptable to you.  Given that he didn't yet know anything was amiss, this business of driving past your house to check up on you, getting drunk and accusing you of cheating just because he couldn't reach you is abusive. Expecting you to be constantly available by phone is abusive.  Phones run out of charge - it's a fact of life.  And if he gets like this, over a depleted phone battery, what's he going to be like when something really goes bad?

About the lying, yes, it's a dealbreaker for a great many people and rightfully so.  Are you doing therapy?  Perhaps role playing difficult situations could help?  And while you're there talk more about recognising abuse

If you feel at all at risk when leaving this guy, blame yourself.  (It's not you, it's me).  Tell him that you're not in a space for a relationship and need to do more work on yourself.  (this actually is the truth anyway)  You could also tell him he needs someone who better meets his needs if you want.

I only lied because my abuser was relentless: I either had to do what he said or he’d rage at me. I believe I’ve stopped now, just wonder if that’s a normal reaction to abuse? Not being able to stop using survival skills even once away from abuse. And yes I wonder now if my new guy is same, just more clever?  I feel like he’s moving me to devaluation stage but at least now I recognize it now. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Mito said:

I only lied because my abuser was relentless: 

Sorry this is happening. How old are your children? Does he pay child support and have visitation?

Do not communicate with an abuser at all. So there's no need to lie. If he is causing problems, get a restraining order and supervised visitation.

As far as the new BF, you're angry he wants to spend all his time with his grandchildren,so you're not compatible.

As far as not being forthcoming to someone abusive, it's best to keep your distance and not answer questions. 

In abusive relationships anything you say can and will be held against you.

[Mito]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old are your children? Does he pay child support and have visitation?

Do not communicate with an abuser at all. So there's no need to lie. If he is causing problems, get a restraining order and supervised visitation.

As far as the new BF, you're angry he wants to spend all his time with his grandchildren,so you're not compatible.

As far as not being forthcoming to someone abusive, it's best to keep your distance and not answer questions. 

In abusive relationships anything you say can and will be held against you.

Sorry I left my abuser in 2016. The issue is that I had carry over of the habit of white lies. My new boyfriend couldn’t believe I’d lie about something stupid but I did.  I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and say I was going to a friends so I said my brother was coming over instead.  This was two years ago and I proved I really was at my friends but my current BF keeps using this to call me dishonest.  Itwas a momentary lapse. I only wondered if anyone else had developed this long term fear of upsetting anyone?  

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Mito said:

I only lied because my abuser was relentless: I either had to do what he said or he’d rage at me. I believe I’ve stopped now, just wonder if that’s a normal reaction to abuse? Not being able to stop using survival skills even once away from abuse. And yes I wonder now if my new guy is same, just more clever?  I feel like he’s moving me to devaluation stage but at least now I recognize it now. 

I would imagine that doing what you can to stay safe...whatever that entails....is a normal coping strategy when in an abusive situation.

After re-reading your first post, I just saw the bit about six years.  Is that six years with your new boyfriend?  I want to clarify before I say more.  

[glows]

7 hours ago, Mito said:

I’m probably breaking up anyway with my new BF (6 years in…) but I still question this one thing. My prior ex was the NPD abuser father of my two kids. He was very controlling and a scary assh@le. I was the breadwinner but he’d tell me to take public transit. It wasn’t really safe at 6am in the dark. So I’d drive, but tell him I took the train.  He’d ask me if I remembered to warm up the car (my car in summer) and I say yes I did (didn’t). If he didn’t like a friend of mine, I’d say I was seeing a different friend (he only liked the ones who hadn’t noticed he was an ass).  Well I’ve tried to break the habit, but the fear of not doing what someone wants remains.  About 2 years back my friend (girlfriend with kids my kids age) asked me to come over for bbq and I was dating my new bf.  He asked me to dinner and I said I was having dinner with my brother because it seemed less “rejecting” than saying I was seeing my friend.  It was not necessary but to my ears sounded kinder. While at my friends my kids were using my phone and killed the battery.  I plugged it in once at home and he’d (new bf) called me multiple times.  Had driven by my house at 10pm and I wasn’t home (we got home at 11 or so). I called him and he was drunk and furious said I was cheating etc.  we met up and I explained my stupid lie was just knee jerk habit from my ex being abusive. He said that was hard to believe I’d tell such a stupid lie. We hashed it out.  But every once in awhile he still tells me it’s bullshit: no way I’d lie to see a friend etc etc.  honestly I’m not the cheating type-the idea disgusts me. This was post pandemic and I was desperate to get a few friends back in my life (especially for my kids).  Am I the only one that told stupid lies after NPD years?    I tried so hard for years “not to get in trouble”.  Obviously a damaging habit.  I think we will split up soon: still in part because apparently he never accepted this especially since I hadn’t kept my battery charged (kids had my phone at friends house watching YouTube).  

Your new bf also seems to be carrying some issues and a chip on his shoulder. He jumped to a conclusion that you were cheating before finding out the whole story about where you were that evening. After six years has your now/new partner met this friend? He continues to bring this up in your relationship mocking your integrity. That's why I ask.

Yes, he overreacted and his being drunk is a turn off. He lost it over a just a few hours of not knowing exactly where you were and turned to DRINKING as a coping mechanism. He doesn't seem stable or anyone I'd personally choose to be around. 

I'm thinking of your kids in all this and what they're seeing or hearing between your bf and you. 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Mito said:

. didn’t want to hurt his feelings and say I was going to a friends so I said my brother was coming over instead.  

No one can make you into a liar. Was this friend a guy?  Why would that hurt anyone's feelings?

How did it come up that you were at a friend's rather than with your bother?