ZZtopanga Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 Hello! I’m looking to see what others would think about my current situation. I’ve been married for 17 years, and I have beautiful 16 year old daughter. I have been thinking about leaving my husband for over 5 years, but haven’t been able to actually make it happen. I’m the breadwinner in the family, so there aren’t any financial concerns for me. I’m worried my husband is disrespectful and emotionally abusive. I clean all the dog poop in our yard, and sometimes I leave the bagged up mess near the back fence because I don’t want to walk outside of the fence (usually early in the morning or late at night). This made him so upset he took the bag and put the dog poo in my new car that I had just purchased and was very proud of. He felt very strongly that I should have taken it directly to the trash. I can be a messy person, but I am constantly working on it. I do all of the housework. He is constantly criticizing me. Every day I am told how I should be doing something. And when I ask him to not tell me what to do so much he says he is only “helping” me, and that I am unable to accept help from others. He got so upset yesterday that the dog dug a two inch hole in the yard. He threatened to hit the dog next time, and carried a whip outside. He then yelled at me for not caring about the hole ( I did, and I was planning on covering it up), and then later I went in my bathtub and there was dirt and grass all in there. I did not see him do this, but I don’t know how else it would have gotten in the tub. He regularly calls me horrible names when we are fighting, and then 25 minutes later acts as if nothing happened. If I let him know that I’m not feeling like chatting with him after one of these incidents, he says “oh you haven’t gotten over that yet” All of these incidents happened in the last week and a half, so they are pretty frequent. He can be a decent person at times, but whenever I express my frustration or let him know how I am feeling, he says I’m too sensitive, and that’s I need to see a psychiatrist to find out what’s wrong with me. I am not perfect, and I have definitely taken my frustrations out in unhealthy ways, but I always try to start with calm conversation. At this point I’m seriously questioning if I am too sensitive, and wondering if the problem is me. Or are his behaviors unacceptable? I did not mean to make this so long, I would appreciate any one’s opinion. I don’t t have a lot of people to talk to about this so it is kind of hard. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 His behaviours are grossly unacceptable! I'd have been out of there long ago, not only for myself but because he's a terrible role model for your daughter. The fact that you are still there is showing her that this is acceptable. You say that you haven't been able to leave. Is this due to practical reasons or because you're second guessing yourself? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZZtopanga Posted July 20, 2022 Author Share Posted July 20, 2022 (edited) Honestly I don’t even know. I think I am second guessing my decision, even though I think about leaving him every single day. It’s exhausting. Edited July 20, 2022 by ZZtopanga Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 What do you tell yourself when you're second guessing the idea of leaving? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZZtopanga Posted July 20, 2022 Author Share Posted July 20, 2022 I feel guilty because I make so much more money than he does. I will be ok financially, but his lifestyle would be much different. I also worry that he will make the process very hard. I’m a little scared of what he might do. Not any specific concerns, but in general. He has disrespected my personal property before (the car/poo incident, he has thrown my clothes in an outdoor trash can before, smashed an expensive hair straightener, once he even disconnected the internet when I worked from home to punish me). I feel like he will find some way to punish me for this decision too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 There's nothing to feel guilty about. If he was a fine man, you wouldn't be leaving him. This is simply consequence for his behaviour. I think you'd do well to secretly speak to a lawyer and find out what your options are. At the same time, start speaking with people who can support and advise women who are leaving abusive situations. Get all your ducks in a row before mentioning a thing to him. How is his relationship with your daughter? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZZtopanga Posted July 20, 2022 Author Share Posted July 20, 2022 It’s not great. She has a few emotional and attachment issues that were likely caused by our relationship. (I don’t know this for sure though) Her mental health sank to very low levels during the pandemic, though she’s doing much better now and is getting regular therapy. I think I feel the most guilt from her now that I think about it. I feel like I should have walked away sooner. Now that’s she is almost grown and off I college it seems to be a selfish act. Like I only care about me and not her. But that is so far from the truth Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 Glad to hear she's doing better. The saying "better late than never" seems to be appropriate here. You can do this 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZZtopanga Posted July 20, 2022 Author Share Posted July 20, 2022 Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 2 hours ago, ZZtopanga said: I have beautiful 16 year old daughter. I have been thinking about leaving my husband for over 5 years, Sorry this is happening. Your primary concern is a safe healthy environment for your daughter and this isn't it. To assuage your fears, privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for accurate advice about your options in divorce. See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the abuse frankly. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Stop trying to fix change or reason with him. Do not talk about your feelings or thoughts. Do not threaten divorce. Be bland and unemotional. Disregard his insults and attempts to wear you down. Protect your daughter. That is the main concern. Get both yourselves out of this damaging situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 5 hours ago, ZZtopanga said: I always try to start with calm conversation. From your description of the way he speaks to you and calling you names, speaking calmly to a person like this isn't going to change anything. In any marriage you'll always want to explore both sides and what resentments lie between both parties. Maybe he feels emasculated deep down that you earn more than he does, has issues at work, no job stability, feels less like a man of the house, or overall feels like the marriage is slipping away as you distance yourself also. Regardless of all these, the way a person speaks to you tells you volumes about how he/she thinks of you. He picks on you and belittles you because he doesn't feel good about himself deep down. How a couple argues does matter. Arguments this out of control and the kind of vindictiveness here (putting dog feces in your car and tracking in clumps of dirt/grass and leaving it there for you to clean up) are disturbing. It's no longer only verbally abusive arguments. He is going out of his way to create chaos for you to clean up and feel guilty about as if you deserve it. I'd worry for your safety and your daughter's safety. I'm sorry but you can't fix someone like this and it will always be an uphill battle. Do speak with a lawyer in private. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MichelleJaxy Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 Not very good. We probably contributed to her having a few emotional and connection problems. (I can't say I'm positive, though.) Although she is doing much better now and is receiving regular counselling, her mental health reached really low points during the pandemic. Now that I think about it, I believe that I experience the most guilt because of her. I believe I should have left earlier. It appears to be a selfish behaviour now that she is practically grown and going to college. that I'm solely concerned with me and not with her. However, that is a complete lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 (edited) 25 minutes ago, MichelleJaxy said: Not very good. We probably contributed to her having a few emotional and connection problems. (I can't say I'm positive, though.) Although she is doing much better now and is receiving regular counselling, her mental health reached really low points during the pandemic. Now that I think about it, I believe that I experience the most guilt because of her. I believe I should have left earlier. It appears to be a selfish behaviour now that she is practically grown and going to college. that I'm solely concerned with me and not with her. However, that is a complete lie. She will still look to you for a role model, even when she goes to college. And when she sees you allowing your husband to verbally abuse you, criticize you, call you names, threaten to physically abuse your dog... what do you think she will learn from that? She will learn that it's OK for a partner to do that, and when she starts dating she will probably emulate your relationship dynamic in her own relationships. Should you have left earlier? Of course, none of us will dispute that. But better now than later, and certainly better now than never. Talk to her and let her know how you feel, about how you wish you'd left earlier, but at least you have the courage to do it now. Edited July 20, 2022 by Elswyth 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 26 minutes ago, MichelleJaxy said: . We probably contributed to her having a few emotional and connection problems. Are you @ZZtopanga? Talk to an attorney to see what your options are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 21, 2022 Share Posted July 21, 2022 You should absolutely leave. You have the financial means to leave and so there is nothing keeping you there. And please, for the love of god, take the dog when you leave. Don't leave that dog to be abused. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted July 23, 2022 Share Posted July 23, 2022 On 7/20/2022 at 5:11 AM, ZZtopanga said: I feel guilty because I make so much more money than he does. I will be ok financially, but his lifestyle would be much different. I also worry that he will make the process very hard. I’m a little scared of what he might do. Not any specific concerns, but in general. He has disrespected my personal property before (the car/poo incident, he has thrown my clothes in an outdoor trash can before, smashed an expensive hair straightener, once he even disconnected the internet when I worked from home to punish me). I feel like he will find some way to punish me for this decision too. The list just goes on and on, does it? Allow me to give you the message that you need to hear: You deserve so much more than you are getting. And don’t worry about your husband’s finances post divorce. He is a grown man and he should have recognized himself how much he depends on you and he should have treated you accordingly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Getbackup Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 Any man that purposely puts dog feces in your car to “teach you a lesson” is abusive. That is not normal. I would suggest meeting with a divorce attorney and having a face to face. You need to plan your exit with precision. Your husband sounds pretty unstable and the kind of spouse that would make divorcing him extremely difficult and expensive. Plan accordingly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 1, 2022 Share Posted August 1, 2022 (edited) He sounds abusive to me. If you decide to leave, you should probably contact a local shelter for battered women. You may not "technically" be battered, but I suspect if you tell of all the things you've experienced/endured they will decide to assist you. That may be very helpful if e.g. you need physical resources such as counseling/consulting, a place to stay, possibly even legal help. I've heard that abusers are most dangerous when you try to leave, so be cautious. If you get a lawyer at some point, be sure to follow their advice diligently, unless there is something "off" about it, in which case consider hiring a new lawyer. Edited August 1, 2022 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
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