EngrIvan Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 Hi everyone. I have a girlfriend and we're having 2nd anniversarry this month. I'm 26 while she's 20. I have work and she is still studying currently 2nd year college this year. Someone pays her tuition fees and created a rule of no boyfriend while she is studying. And we talked about this last night. We cried of course. I know my girl's experience during her 1st year college. She struggled in some of her subjects and I'm the one who helped her and encourage her. She almost wanted to give up on studying but I pushed her to go and continue her school. She said that she don't know what will do if I'm not with her specially during those difficult times in her school. But we need to breakup because of that rule. I want to save our relationship. If I need to talk to the person who gave her tuition fees, i'll do. I want her in my life. She's my first girlfriend and I want to be her husband in the future. Can someone give me advise on this? 🥺 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 I'm sorry this is happening, but there's nothing you can or should do. Either she accepts the money with it's conditions or she gets a student loan and a part time job. It's her decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 2 hours ago, EngrIvan said: . Someone pays her tuition fees and created a rule of no boyfriend while she is studying. . If I need to talk to the person who gave her tuition fees, i'll do. Who is this "someone"? Her parents? Does she live at home? Stop putting her at risk of losing her education. Unless you can fully support her and her studies, she'll have to and wants to answer to this "someone". It's not your call to disrupt that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EngrIvan Posted July 20, 2022 Author Share Posted July 20, 2022 10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Who is this "someone"? Her parents? Does she live at home? Stop putting her at risk of losing her education. Unless you can fully support her and her studies, she'll have to and wants to answer to this "someone". It's not your call to disrupt that. No it's not her parents. It's someone who is a businesswoman and a friend of their auntie. Yes I support her studies, when she needed something or someone to talked to about their lectures since I am done and already graduated few years ago. She is a shy type person when it comes to asking questions onto someone especially when it comes to their lessons. I'm the one who helped her answer her questions even though it is a very easy one. She is afraid of someone when she asked help for someone because she thinks that the question she raised is just an easy one and that person could laugh at her. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 36 minutes ago, EngrIvan said: No it's not her parents. It's someone who is a businesswoman and a friend of their auntie. Yes I support her studies, when she needed something or someone to talked to about their lectures since I am done and already graduated few years ago. She is a shy type person when it comes to asking questions onto someone especially when it comes to their lessons. I'm the one who helped her answer her questions even though it is a very easy one. She is afraid of someone when she asked help for someone because she thinks that the question she raised is just an easy one and that person could laugh at her. When she accepts money, she accepts the terms and conditions. It's not your place to change that. If you want to tutor her, that's fine but she has accepted the money and therefore the terms. Or she's just telling you that because she doesn't want to date you. Either way, it's not your call to contact her people. Try not to be this forceful. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EngrIvan Posted July 20, 2022 Author Share Posted July 20, 2022 15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: When she accepts money, she accepts the terms and conditions. It's not your place to change that. If you want to tutor her, that's fine but she has accepted the money and therefore the terms. Or she's just telling you that because she doesn't want to date you. Either way, it's not your call to contact her people. Try not to be this forceful. But I'm willing to wait for her. I don't want anyone but her. If I will single for the rest of my life after this breakup, I'll accept that. Maybe that's my purpose in life. Thank you for your comment. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 30 minutes ago, EngrIvan said: But I'm willing to wait for her. I don't want anyone but her. If I will single for the rest of my life after this breakup, I'll accept that. Maybe that's my purpose in life. Thank you for your comment. You do realise that given the choice of you or money, she's chosen the money? She could have had you and supported herself, but that's not the choice she made. This is not someone to spend your live mourning over. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 37 minutes ago, EngrIvan said: . I don't want anyone but her. If I will single for the rest of my life after this breakup, I'll accept that. That seems a bit obsessive. If she wants to end things, you need to let go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 4 hours ago, EngrIvan said: Hi everyone. I have a girlfriend and we're having 2nd anniversarry this month. I'm 26 while she's 20. I have work and she is still studying currently 2nd year college this year. Someone pays her tuition fees and created a rule of no boyfriend while she is studying. And we talked about this last night. We cried of course. I know my girl's experience during her 1st year college. She struggled in some of her subjects and I'm the one who helped her and encourage her. She almost wanted to give up on studying but I pushed her to go and continue her school. She said that she don't know what will do if I'm not with her specially during those difficult times in her school. But we need to breakup because of that rule. I want to save our relationship. If I need to talk to the person who gave her tuition fees, i'll do. I want her in my life. She's my first girlfriend and I want to be her husband in the future. Can someone give me advise on this? 🥺 26 and 20 is quite the gap as well at that age. I'm wondering if her family or this auntie aren't comfortable with that age gap or don't approve of you in general as her boyfriend. You've been dating since she was only 18? Your girlfriend seems too young or dependent on her benefactor or she feels obligated and there are other issues at play/family dynamics. If you care about her respect her wishes and this rule and don't create more drama in her family or issues with her studies. This isn't only about you or what you want. Take a deep breath and step back for awhile. Listen to what she's saying and what the situation is. Break ups are painful but stay in touch with reality and don't get carried away or lose track of your own goals/dreams. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EngrIvan Posted July 20, 2022 Author Share Posted July 20, 2022 6 hours ago, glows said: 26 and 20 is quite the gap as well at that age. I'm wondering if her family or this auntie aren't comfortable with that age gap or don't approve of you in general as her boyfriend. You've been dating since she was only 18? Your girlfriend seems too young or dependent on her benefactor or she feels obligated and there are other issues at play/family dynamics. If you care about her respect her wishes and this rule and don't create more drama in her family or issues with her studies. This isn't only about you or what you want. Take a deep breath and step back for awhile. Listen to what she's saying and what the situation is. Break ups are painful but stay in touch with reality and don't get carried away or lose track of your own goals/dreams. Their auntie knows me well and she likes me for her niece. But she cried as well and said thaw we need to end things between me and her niece because of the rule.🥺 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 4 minutes ago, EngrIvan said: Their auntie knows me well and said thaw we need to end things between me and her niece because of the rule.🥺 Unfortunately, you'll need to accept that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 (edited) It sounds like she (the girlfriend) really has some growing up to do - she needs to learn how to believe in and rely on herself rather than just leaning on you to help her when things get tough, to study on her own, to figure out who she is and how to push herself. It's nice that you helped her and I'm sure your intentions are good, but I think she needs this space to grow. She's in a different place in life than you are right now. She needs to be able to stand on her own two feet and know what she is capable of - I suspect that's what this rule is really about, and perhaps that's what her auntie means. It may not be what you want, but it may also be the best thing for your girlfriend in the long run. And you want that for her, right? Edited July 20, 2022 by serial muse 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EngrIvan Posted July 20, 2022 Author Share Posted July 20, 2022 29 minutes ago, serial muse said: It sounds like she (the girlfriend) really has some growing up to do - she needs to learn how to believe in and rely on herself rather than just leaning on you to help her when things get tough, to study on her own, to figure out who she is and how to push herself. It's nice that you helped her and I'm sure your intentions are good, but I think she needs this space to grow. She's in a different place in life than you are right now. She needs to be able to stand on her own two feet and know what she is capable of - I suspect that's what this rule is really about, and perhaps that's what her auntie means. It may not be what you want, but it may also be the best thing for your girlfriend in the long run. And you want that for her, right? Yes. I will accept whatever decisions she made and for her good future. If we still loved each other after those years, we will ba thankful ❤ Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 You're lost in the ocean waters here. People don't love us because we helped them persist through school. They love us because being with us is enjoyable, fun, sexy, deeply affirming. So I don't think the bond between you and her as nearly as solid as you think. You're way too invested in your role as a hero to her. Implied: she should be committed to staying with her hero. Well, it's NOT her job to be grateful for you encouraging her through school. She can be grateful, but not to the point of dating you. We don't date people out of gratitude. So you're much closer to being dumped than you think. You will get dumped, and you'll be puzzled. I was the hero, you'll scream. I helped her get through college. How can I be dumped? Well you can be dumped because you didn't see that a true romantic connection isn't based on one person "helping" the other. You need to get on and focus on YOUR OWN life. You're way too attached to her and to your role of helping her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 Despite how genuine your feelings may be, someone who sets "rules" like this (which many might see as antiquated in the age of contraception) is IME very unlikely to be swayed. They either have (IMO somewhat rigid) "morals" that they expect others to adhere to in return for their help, or they have a "business only" view/attitude towards how "their money" is to be spent. In either case, while they may understand the reasoning of a countering view, they're unlikely to be willing to go along with it. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 21, 2022 Share Posted July 21, 2022 I think if she really wanted to be with you, she wouldn't be following this ridiculous "rule" that a family friend is supposedly enforcing onto her. She is an adult, and if she was committed to being with you, she would be with you. She would turn down the money and support herself through school by getting a job or something. But she's sticking to this "rule". That's her choice, and yes it is a choice. Maybe she's in a completely different stage of life than you and not mature enough for this relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted July 21, 2022 Share Posted July 21, 2022 (edited) 20 hours ago, ShyViolet said: I think if she really wanted to be with you, she wouldn't be following this ridiculous "rule" that a family friend is supposedly enforcing onto her. She is an adult, and if she was committed to being with you, she would be with you. She would turn down the money and support herself through school by getting a job or something. But she's sticking to this "rule". That's her choice, and yes it is a choice. Maybe she's in a completely different stage of life than you and not mature enough for this relationship. Heh. Well, this is the basically the plot of the book Persuasion (not the new movie, which has a different enough tone to be a completely different story). Girl with no life experience takes advice of doting older relative/friend and decides not to stay with young man who wants to marry her because he wasn't able to support her at the time. He comes back years later, and she is old enough then to make her own decisions, and she chooses to marry him. Seriously, though, she's only 20 and was struggling to handle school without her BF to study with her. She absolutely is not ready for this relationship, let alone handling a job and school. Let the girl grow up. Edited July 21, 2022 by serial muse 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 22, 2022 Share Posted July 22, 2022 (edited) I had similar thoughts to @serial muse With the exception of those who have enrolled stating they have a disability and may need extra provisions, by the time one is at uni/college, it's expected that they should be able to do all their work independently. Sure, they may encounter things where they aren't sure of what's required, but it's on them to approach the lecturer or one of the tutors for clarity. If they find it too hard or aren't engaged, its up to them to either give themselves a kick up the rear end/take a break/reconsider their subject choice. Helping someone to pass uni doesn't really help them at all long term. If they needed help with uni, then they'll need help with the job. At some stage, they need to stand on their own two feet. Edited July 22, 2022 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
weplenty Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 U can as well just be friend with benefit n remove d bf gf title 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 (edited) On 7/20/2022 at 4:53 PM, basil67 said: You do realise that given the choice of you or money, she's chosen the money? She could have had you and supported herself, but that's not the choice she made. This is not someone to spend your live mourning over. I mean, given the choice between a college boyfriend and saving oneself tens of thousands of dollars of student loan debt (potentially even hundreds of thousands, depending on the college and the country), it's not entirely unreasonable for someone to choose the latter. Most relationships that begin at 18 don't last long-term, but student loan debt will be hampering you for years or even decades. It's not realistic to expect someone with no tertiary qualifications and no marketable skills in this day and age to support themselves fully while studying. Even if you worked 40 hrs/week while studying full-time (which would obviously wreak havoc on your health), you wouldn't be able to afford tuition fees - hence the debt. Basically, I don't think the OP's gf is making an unwise choice. It sucks for him, but she's very young and she has her whole life ahead of her. Once she graduates, she will have plenty of time to date. Edited July 25, 2022 by Elswyth 2 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 If she has just one year left, just break up, keep in touch and start seeing each other again after graduation. Sure, not easy, but if your girlfriend doesn't want to give the money up, you don;t have much choice. If she has 2 years left, well, that's a different kettle of fish... Link to post Share on other sites
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