Trying really hard with my sister.

[Jessica_W_1998]

I do love my sister so much. But she and I have drifted apart over the last year or so. She had an affair with a coworker and is going though a divorce. I thought it was wrong for her to cheat but whatever I tried not to be judgmental with her.

My parents are pretty much judgmental though. They don’t care if they ruffle feathers I guess. But I try to at least stay polite with her and not argue too much. We have had a few arguments about things but not too bad.

Then she told me the other day more details about the guy she’s seeing. He’s 47 (she’s 29) he’s married and had three kids. One of his daughters is my age (24). Well she’s convinced that he’s going to get divorced and they’ll live happily ever after.

I’m convinced that this story is as old as time and somehow this guy will end up staying with his wife. She’s sworn me to secrecy to not give our parents details because they’d freak out. The guy is only three years younger than our mom and dad. 

Anyway I’m trying so hard to have a somewhat normal relationship with her. Not to judge her even though I do not approve of cheating. I’ve been cheated on in the past and I know how horrible the feeling is. Plus this guy has a family! So I feel like she’s as bad as he is. Even though I love my sister I’m really bothered by what she’s up to.

So after she talked all about this she tells me to tell her all about my new boyfriend that I recently started dating. And I feel like it’s giving her the impression if we’re talking about these guys to each other I’m approving of her relationship. I don’t know. I know there will people on here who trash me and say mind my own business about what she’s doing but it hurts that my nieces are seeing their parents go through a divorce.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Jessica_W_1998 said:

but it hurts that my nieces are seeing their parents go through a divorce.

Sorry this is going on. It's great you can be an additional source of adult family love and support for them. You can do this without necessarily condoning what she's doing .

[glows]

41 minutes ago, Jessica_W_1998 said:

I do love my sister so much. But she and I have drifted apart over the last year or so. She had an affair with a coworker and is going though a divorce. I thought it was wrong for her to cheat but whatever I tried not to be judgmental with her.

My parents are pretty much judgmental though. They don’t care if they ruffle feathers I guess. But I try to at least stay polite with her and not argue too much. We have had a few arguments about things but not too bad.

Then she told me the other day more details about the guy she’s seeing. He’s 47 (she’s 29) he’s married and had three kids. One of his daughters is my age (24). Well she’s convinced that he’s going to get divorced and they’ll live happily ever after.

I’m convinced that this story is as old as time and somehow this guy will end up staying with his wife. She’s sworn me to secrecy to not give our parents details because they’d freak out. The guy is only three years younger than our mom and dad. 

Anyway I’m trying so hard to have a somewhat normal relationship with her. Not to judge her even though I do not approve of cheating. I’ve been cheated on in the past and I know how horrible the feeling is. Plus this guy has a family! So I feel like she’s as bad as he is. Even though I love my sister I’m really bothered by what she’s up to.

So after she talked all about this she tells me to tell her all about my new boyfriend that I recently started dating. And I feel like it’s giving her the impression if we’re talking about these guys to each other I’m approving of her relationship. I don’t know. I know there will people on here who trash me and say mind my own business about what she’s doing but it hurts that my nieces are seeing their parents go through a divorce.

There's nothing else to do except keep her at a safe distance and don't speak about your love life with her. You both don't see eye to eye and there's no reason to act pally or be friends. She's not a friend. She's a blood relative who seems like more of an emotional vamp. The more time you spend thinking about people like this the more it drains you because they suck the life out of everything they touch.

Lavish your love on your nieces and spend time with them. If she wants to know about the guy you're seeing just change the subject and move onto something else. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Lavish your love on your nieces and spend time with them.

I agree.  Just because someone is a blood relative does not mean we have to be close if we don't see eye to eye.  I don't really get along that well with my brother; but I do lavish love on both of my nephews who are his sons.  

[ShyViolet]

You're taking way too much emotional burden of this upon yourself.  Just accept the fact that it's her life, she's making mistakes and being stupid, but there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.  It really doesn't matter whether you approve of it or not.  If I were you, I would be completely open with her about the fact that I don't "approve" of it.  I wouldn't pretend everything is normal and that I am happy about this.  But I wouldn't dwell on it or waste any time arguing about it or trying to convince her of how she should live her life either.  It sounds pretty clear that she is doing this no matter what anyone tells her.  Just let it go.  It's not your responsibility or your problem.  You don't need to waste your emotional energy "pretending" that everything is fine and that you approve of it.  Just accept the fact that you can't control other people, and this is not your problem to solve.

Edited July 21, 2022 by ShyViolet

[Jessica_W_1998]

Hi everyone! I agree that I’m going to continue to spoil my nieces as much as I can! I spoke to my soon to be ex brother in law last week and I’m going to pick them up from his house tomorrow and take them to the zoo! Spoil them with ice cream and stuffed animals then take them to lunch wherever they pick. 

As for my sister I think I will continue to speak to her buuut I’m going to lay some rules that I’m uncomfortable talking about her boyfriend? Fellow cheater? Whatever I’m supposed to call him. I not only feel bad for my nieces and their dad but for that man’s wife and children! And I know if she keeps bringing him up in an attempt to get me to accept him I’ll eventually go off about it. I do love her but I’m going to just let her make her mistakes on her own.

I don’t know whatever was going on in her marriage honestly. Like she never told me she was unhappy or anything about her husband being a cheater or something like that. Then all of a sudden she makes this decision? It doesn’t make sense to me and she’s given me like four different excuses as to why all this happened.

[mark clemson]

WRT to her AP leaving, the general consensus seems to be that the odds are not good at all.

As you are noting, you could always decline to talk about "romantic issues" with your sister but otherwise maintain a friendly and positive relationship with her and particularly with her kids as much as possible. Completely reasonable approach.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Jessica_W_1998 said:

Hi everyone! I agree that I’m going to continue to spoil my nieces as much as I can! I spoke to my soon to be ex brother in law last week and I’m going to pick them up from his house tomorrow and take them to the zoo! Spoil them with ice cream and stuffed animals then take them to lunch wherever they pick. 

As for my sister I think I will continue to speak to her buuut I’m going to lay some rules that I’m uncomfortable talking about her boyfriend? Fellow cheater? Whatever I’m supposed to call him. I not only feel bad for my nieces and their dad but for that man’s wife and children! And I know if she keeps bringing him up in an attempt to get me to accept him I’ll eventually go off about it. I do love her but I’m going to just let her make her mistakes on her own.

I don’t know whatever was going on in her marriage honestly. Like she never told me she was unhappy or anything about her husband being a cheater or something like that. Then all of a sudden she makes this decision? It doesn’t make sense to me and she’s given me like four different excuses as to why all this happened.

She doesn't have to report to you or give you any reasons about her love life and neither do you. Change the subject if she brings up romance. 

For individuals who have shown a repeated history of ignoring boundaries (dating married individuals, cheating and so on) laying any rules is counterproductive. All you're doing is setting yourself up for drama drama more drama until you end up being the one going crazy, acting crazy or feeling drained. She'll turn it on you and act like you are the problem for being over dramatic about her choices.

I'd ask yourself why you find it hard to detach from this or why you find yourself drawn to her behaviour. You may have an opinion of your own but cap it there and set a limit for yourself in the amount of time/consideration you're going to spend on this endless issue. In the end yes, it is her life and she can say or do as she wants but it doesn't involve you so don't be involved. 

 

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, Jessica_W_1998 said:

Fellow cheater? Whatever I’m supposed to call him.

If you don't want to talk about him with her don't bring him up and then you won't have to worry about what to call him.  For the sake of being respectful, if you do have to refer to him, call him by his name.

[BaileyB]

On 7/20/2022 at 12:57 PM, Jessica_W_1998 said:

I know there will people on here will say say mind my own business about what she’s doing but it hurts that my nieces are seeing their parents go through a divorce.

Of course it’s hard to see this family break up. It’s brutal, especially because your sister is making poor decisions that she may well regret someday. 

That said, there is nothing you can do about it. I have a good friend who did something similar - I reduced my contact. When we spoke, we stayed with safe topics (work, the kids, etc). We didn’t talk about her relationship - I could not support or condone her decision. With time, it got better. This is going to take more time, because this is not going to be the happy ending that she thinks it will be.

It is possible to love her and disagree with her decisions. I’ve done it, it’s not easy but it is possible. You can’t do it without boundaries. 

[Alpacalia]

Agree. ^^^

It is acceptable to answer "good, hope you are well as well" when your sister inquires how you are.

It's something I've been doing myself when my sister asks me how I'm doing.

It's much simpler that way and leaves her little room for disclosing personal information about her personal life that I don't want to hear.

Edited July 24, 2022 by Alpacalia