Am I too needy?

[Stephanie19]

Hello, everyone, please give your honest opinion on what I am about to share, I really don't need you to sugarcoat it.

So, I am a 35 year old female, who has avoided or sabotaged relationships most of her life, due to anxiety and fear of rejection. That's why I spent a long period (years), trying to work on myself and become a better person. However, not all our demons can be cured by being on our own, some of them can only be brought to light and resolved in relationships (not only romantic ones).

Anyway, I am currently in my longest relationship to date, a bit over a year, and it's been quite a ride. Mainly, because I tried to sabotage it as well, due to depression and anxiety. The reason why most of the relationship I've lived with anxiety was because he was often away for work. At first, away on a 5 days shift, and then he started going away on work related trainings/exercises [ ] . And whenever he was away, we would somehow disconnect. We talked via Whatsapp, but somehow... we would talk about mundane things and it often felt like it was an obligation, not a pleasure to keep in touch. That is why we had a major fight when he chose to leave to Thailand with his friends, on one of his short breaks between work shifts. I couldn't go because I had just gotten a new job and couldn't just request vacation that fast, plus I was afraid I might not be able to go if I got Covid (which actually happened, I got it just a few days before he left for Thailand). What hurt the most was not that he wanted to go, but the way he simply made the decision without consulting me, didn't try to discuss this, he didn't try to negotiate, he just took it personally because it bothered me. He felt like I was making him choose between me and his friends, which was never the case. He made me feel bad for missing him.

After that, we gathered a lot of tension between us, and I mostly tried to adapt to his needs and to understand him. But somehow, he feels that he made the biggest effort, being there when I was depressed and anxious. But I never laid everything on him, I've been seeing therapists, I am owning my shortcomings and I am struggling to overcome them, but it's a process and it can't happen over night.

And now, when things were just starting to get better (after a short break in the relationship and some quality time that we spent and helped us reconnect), he got an opportunity to go to Moscow for a year, to work at [ ] . Initially, he said he wouldn't go without me, but then, when I told him that my HR doesn't allow me to go there, he just went through with it anyway. Again, he took this decision on his own. Because, whenever I tried to present objective arguments against going there - the war, the closed airspace, the difficulty to visit each other, the high cost of plane tickets, the fact that he will put his life on hold just for money - he would just become angry and felt like I didn't support him. He even told me yesterday that he feels that I don't love myself and can't stand to be on my own. And this hit a chord, because that's exactly what I've been doing before meeting him. Being on my own and loving it, no one to challenge that and make me feel inadequate.

Am I needy for missing him when he is away? And am I an a**h*** if I don't think that this relationship will last, once he leaves, given that our communication is terrible when we are not together?

Sorry for the novel, I actually tried to be brief

Edited July 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
remove potentially identifying information

[vla1120]

You're not "needy" for missing his when he is away. You're also not "needy" for wanting to share your life and a close relationship with someone. I think in this case, the two of you are probably just not compatible. He's away too often and it doesn't look like he intends to "settle down" and stay in one spot any time soon. I get the feeling you would like to have a closer relationship with someone. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise and an opportunity for you to meet someone with whom you will be more compatible.

I do applaud you for putting in the work with therapy to overcome your anxiety and depression. Keep practicing that level of self-care!

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Stephanie19 said:

whenever I tried to present objective arguments against going there - the war, the closed airspace, the difficulty to visit each other, the high cost of plane tickets, the fact that he will put his life on hold just for money - he would just become angry and felt like I didn't support him.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he's just not as invested as you are and no supposedly "logical" argument will sway someone who wants to pursue something professionally.

There's a few things going on. One is a man who's just not that into you. Another is undertreated or poorly treated anxiety and depression resulting in poor coping skills such as trying to micromanage or control very situation to avoid the anxiety and depression being exacerbated.

 Let him go. No convincing, arguing, LDR, etc. 

More importantly, get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Have some tests done. Ask for a referral to a more qualified therapist for ongoing support. A more qualified therapist may be able to help you replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with more productive and soothing thoughts and behaviors.

Make sure you are not seeking out situations that in themselves are bound to crash and burn, like this one.

Edited July 21, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

6 hours ago, Stephanie19 said:

Hello, everyone, please give your honest opinion on what I am about to share, I really don't need you to sugarcoat it.

So, I am a 35 year old female, who has avoided or sabotaged relationships most of her life, due to anxiety and fear of rejection. That's why I spent a long period (years), trying to work on myself and become a better person. However, not all our demons can be cured by being on our own, some of them can only be brought to light and resolved in relationships (not only romantic ones).

Anyway, I am currently in my longest relationship to date, a bit over a year, and it's been quite a ride. Mainly, because I tried to sabotage it as well, due to depression and anxiety. The reason why most of the relationship I've lived with anxiety was because he was often away for work. At first, away on a 5 days shift, and then he started going away on trainings/exercises (he works in the Ministry of Internal Affairs). And whenever he was away, we would somehow disconnect. We talked via Whatsapp, but somehow... we would talk about mundane things and it often felt like it was an obligation, not a pleasure to keep in touch. That is why we had a major fight when he chose to leave to Thailand with his friends, on one of his short breaks between work shifts. I couldn't go because I had just gotten a new job and couldn't just request vacation that fast, plus I was afraid I might not be able to go if I got Covid (which actually happened, I got it just a few days before he left for Thailand). What hurt the most was not that he wanted to go, but the way he simply made the decision without consulting me, didn't try to discuss this, he didn't try to negotiate, he just took it personally because it bothered me. He felt like I was making him choose between me and his friends, which was never the case. He made me feel bad for missing him.

After that, we gathered a lot of tension between us, and I mostly tried to adapt to his needs and to understand him. But somehow, he feels that he made the biggest effort, being there when I was depressed and anxious. But I never laid everything on him, I've been seeing therapists, I am owning my shortcomings and I am struggling to overcome them, but it's a process and it can't happen over night.

And now, when things were just starting to get better (after a short break in the relationship and some quality time that we spent and helped us reconnect), he got an opportunity to go to Moscow for a year, to work at our embassy there. Initially, he said he wouldn't go without me, but then, when I told him that my HR doesn't allow me to go there, he just went through with it anyway. Again, he took this decision on his own. Because, whenever I tried to present objective arguments against going there - the war, the closed airspace, the difficulty to visit each other, the high cost of plane tickets, the fact that he will put his life on hold just for money - he would just become angry and felt like I didn't support him. He even told me yesterday that he feels that I don't love myself and can't stand to be on my own. And this hit a chord, because that's exactly what I've been doing before meeting him. Being on my own and loving it, no one to challenge that and make me feel inadequate.

Am I needy for missing him when he is away? And am I an a**h*** if I don't think that this relationship will last, once he leaves, given that our communication is terrible when we are not together?

Sorry for the novel, I actually tried to be brief

He's trying to break up with you. I hope you realize this. I agree with the previous comments that you're not needy for missing him and he's not that into you. I suggest stop making any moves explaining yourself or the way you feel. He has decided to shut you out going forward and his reasoning is that he doesn't feel you love yourself enough. He doesn't want to listen to you anymore or be anywhere near you. If you don't agree with it, that's ok. You're entitled to your opinion but that's the way he feels about you. You'll have to respect that and respect yourself too. Move back a few steps and don't invest any further in this. 

Explaining to him about the war, closed airspace, difficulty visiting one another or high cost of plane tickets etc is not going to change the way he feels about you. He doesn't want to be with you. Even if he can't verbalize it or seems indecisive, his actions speak volumes and the way he thinks about you. 

The relationship isn't going to last because he's not as interested as you are. Keep working on yourself as that's you investing in you. The next step is polishing your picker and being picky about the people you choose to let into your life especially the ones you date. If you know someone is away a lot for work, that person may not be compatible with you or your lifestyle. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I think you are getting ahead of yourself.  I don’t think you are needy, just unrealistic.

You have been with him a year but practically long distance what more than half the time?  With the limited time together, you are practically strangers to each other.

You seem to lead pretty separate lives and after a year you shold not have any expectations about him getting your approval when making life choices.  You are still in that stage where you are assessing his decisions and seeing if they are impacting you positively or negatively.

He is who he is.  You know what the drill is by now.  He is not going to change.  You cannot change him.  You just have to accept him as he is or decide you want something different.

I personally would not be the slightest bit interested in a guy like that. I would have left long ago.

‘Being with someone is a choice.  I always make sure I am choosing happiness as the reason to stay.  If I am not happy, then forget about it!

 

 

 

[Maldives]

On 7/21/2022 at 9:48 PM, Stephanie19 said:

Hello, everyone, please give your honest opinion on what I am about to share, I really don't need you to sugarcoat it.

So, I am a 35 year old female, who has avoided or sabotaged relationships most of her life, due to anxiety and fear of rejection. That's why I spent a long period (years), trying to work on myself and become a better person. However, not all our demons can be cured by being on our own, some of them can only be brought to light and resolved in relationships (not only romantic ones).

Anyway, I am currently in my longest relationship to date, a bit over a year, and it's been quite a ride. Mainly, because I tried to sabotage it as well, due to depression and anxiety. The reason why most of the relationship I've lived with anxiety was because he was often away for work. At first, away on a 5 days shift, and then he started going away on work related trainings/exercises [ ] . And whenever he was away, we would somehow disconnect. We talked via Whatsapp, but somehow... we would talk about mundane things and it often felt like it was an obligation, not a pleasure to keep in touch. That is why we had a major fight when he chose to leave to Thailand with his friends, on one of his short breaks between work shifts. I couldn't go because I had just gotten a new job and couldn't just request vacation that fast, plus I was afraid I might not be able to go if I got Covid (which actually happened, I got it just a few days before he left for Thailand). What hurt the most was not that he wanted to go, but the way he simply made the decision without consulting me, didn't try to discuss this, he didn't try to negotiate, he just took it personally because it bothered me. He felt like I was making him choose between me and his friends, which was never the case. He made me feel bad for missing him.

After that, we gathered a lot of tension between us, and I mostly tried to adapt to his needs and to understand him. But somehow, he feels that he made the biggest effort, being there when I was depressed and anxious. But I never laid everything on him, I've been seeing therapists, I am owning my shortcomings and I am struggling to overcome them, but it's a process and it can't happen over night.

And now, when things were just starting to get better (after a short break in the relationship and some quality time that we spent and helped us reconnect), he got an opportunity to go to Moscow for a year, to work at [ ] . Initially, he said he wouldn't go without me, but then, when I told him that my HR doesn't allow me to go there, he just went through with it anyway. Again, he took this decision on his own. Because, whenever I tried to present objective arguments against going there - the war, the closed airspace, the difficulty to visit each other, the high cost of plane tickets, the fact that he will put his life on hold just for money - he would just become angry and felt like I didn't support him. He even told me yesterday that he feels that I don't love myself and can't stand to be on my own. And this hit a chord, because that's exactly what I've been doing before meeting him. Being on my own and loving it, no one to challenge that and make me feel inadequate.

Am I needy for missing him when he is away? And am I an a**h*** if I don't think that this relationship will last, once he leaves, given that our communication is terrible when we are not together?

Sorry for the novel, I actually tried to be brief

You're not needy. Not at all but I think it's the way you're delivering the message that's making him defensive. Not to generalise and I mentioned this probably in a few posts, but men do sometimes take it personally when women share how they feel and feel like we're being blamed. I'm not saying that that's how you came across but obviously something in your message the way it was delivered has put him on the defensive. Sometimes it's good to get a third party involved like a counsellor. It doesn't necessarily mean your relationships on the rocks, but you have to both agree and even bringing that up could cause an issue where he even gets more defensive. I'm pretty definite It was the way you came across. A counsellor can help mitigate communication between you two but again it may backfire even mentioning it. Have a think about the way you're communicating your message to him and try to refine what you're trying to say or get across without making him feel like it's his fault or he's been attacked. I can guarantee you that's what it is. Anyway, good luck

Edited July 25, 2022 by Goodguy05

[Stephanie19]

Hello, everyone, thank you for your messages.

In the meantime, we broke up, because it was becoming overwhelming for both of us.

He was fed up with my mood swings and I was fed up with feeling shame for not being able to function properly, the way I used to before meeting him. The reason why I had mood swings was because I never could establish a deep connection with him, due to his defensiveness against any topic that might make him uncomfortable. The only topics he would discuss were general ones, random stuff and questions that you could find the answer to by googling them. But he was always avoiding any personal topics and he made me feel bad for anything I cared about - if I discussed about a moral issue intensely or if I felt sad when I saw a stray animal that I couldn't help, he would get mad, because he always wanted to see me happy. He has always dodged important matters in a way that any other type of conversation, besides silly jokes and feel good stuff, made him uncomfortable. We broke up amicably, it hurts like hell, but there was no future for us. I might or I might not find someone else, but I loved who I was before meeting him and I want that back.

Thank you all once again!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Stephanie19 said:

 we broke up, because it was becoming overwhelming for both of us. We broke up amicably,

Good call. Even if you broke up amicably, you need to delete and block him so there's no backcreep into this.

[mortensorchid]

I also think he is trying to break up with you based on what you have said.  I can't stand that! - These guys act weird or avoid or disappoint you because they lack the courage to do it themselves and don't want to look like the bad guy by breaking it off themselves.  Chances are that they won't act this way with someone that they want, will they?  

As for your concerns about yourself?  I can't do or say anything about that.  All you can be is you. 

[FMW]

4 hours ago, Stephanie19 said:

if I discussed about a moral issue intensely or if I felt sad when I saw a stray animal that I couldn't help, he would get mad, because he always wanted to see me happy. He has always dodged important matters in a way that any other type of conversation, besides silly jokes and feel good stuff, made him uncomfortable.

You should feel free and comfortable to discuss what you're thinking and feeling.  Maybe he felt those more intense subjects came up too often.  I don't think it makes either of you wrong, it just makes you incompatible.  It probably lasted as long as it did because you didn't spend much time together.  If you had been together regularly, the issues would have come to a breaking point much sooner.  

In the future you will hopefully recognize more quickly when you're feeling that you aren't free to be yourself with someone, and you'll know to not invest further time and emotion.