dispute with partner about shared finances

[AngryGromit]

4 hours ago, McGee911 said:

My partner calls me "cheap".  I call it frugal.  I know the value of a dollar.  I come from lower middle class, have been given exactly $0 of "family money/inheritance" and have made an honest and fruitful career working my butt off and pretty much dedicating my life to my craft.  I still look at money from the view of someone who grew up lower middle class.  A new car that costs more than $28,000 is too expensive for me. 

Reminded me of my ex-Wife, When we first got together, so told me with a completely straight face that everyone has 10k in credit card debt (at the time I had zero debt). Our first New Years together, she convinced be to spend $500 cause after all it's our first "special" new years together. I quickly learned she use any excuse she could use to justify spending more then we should. Took me years to get her to see the value of money and I'm far better off without her. Last time we spoke she had 6 k in the bank for emergencies and 6 k in credit card debt. i told her what a fool she was, earning .005% interest on savings and paying 22% in credit card interest. I guess you can't teach some people the value of a dollar.   

My current Wife is a far better match, she doesn't care that the car has 190k miles, stained seats and a few dents cause we are trying to get as much out of the car before replacing it. My ex-Wife wouldn't be caught dead in my current car, she would try to pressure me into getting a new car with a $700 a month car payment, cause she "deserves better".   

Edited July 22, 2022 by AngryGromit

[divegrl]

It’s sounds like you have some resentment over their comments and their attitudes towards money. If left un-acknowledged this will build over time. 
 

Finances are one of the biggest reasons people split, and based off what you have written you do not share same values financially. 
 

Wishing you the best

[Els]

11 hours ago, McGee911 said:

Interesting and diverse feedback.  Of course, there is loads of context.  I can write for 75 minutes without taking a break and I'm bound to miss something.  In an effort to get back to work, I'll do my best to be objective despite only being one side of the coin.

Thank you for the context!

I read your post and came away at the end feeling like, this is more about a communication issue than about the actual budget. You and your partner both probably feel taken for granted and unappreciated (you because you are the primary breadwinner, them because they feel like they always put you #1 and it isn't reciprocated). If you both could come up with a way to express each of your appreciation more, and learned to communicate issues in a way that doesn't make the other person feel defensive, I think your relationship would be largely fine going forward.

Would you consider relationship/marriage counseling? I know you haven't said that you're married, but IMO if you've been living together for many years and have joint finances, you are essentially not too different from a married couple, so MC could still benefit you.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, you have admitted to having an unhealthy relationship with money. It's almost bulimic where you'll squander money on trips for your family but live in the basement and sleep on the sofa. So it's binge and purge.

The problem isn't your live in GF. Your unhealthy attachments to things and money precedes dating her.

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. At 50, it's time for a check up. Discuss the snoring and any other health problems. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

How old are your children? Do you pay child support? Your GF doesn't have kids so she's doing more in the relationship.

 Often pathological frugality comes with hoarding disorders and obsessive compulsive disorders. It also comes with a penny wise pound foolish mindset to money. For example wasting hours and gas to drive around for saving 2 cents on gas.

So sadly this is not a situation of your GF not appreciating you, this is a situation of internally struggling. 

Sometimes it's called can't see the forest for the trees. 

 

 

[glows]

14 hours ago, McGee911 said:

This post makes sense to me.  I'm just quite literal.  To me, I don't consider saying one thing meaning something else.  You say " I don't benefit from your money" my reply is "that makes no sense, it's mathematical!"

In my marriage, we lived paycheck to paycheck and over time, I gave up all the financial decisions to my spouse to handle and when the marriage ended I was shocked to learn how bad the finances were mismanaged and I vowed to not let that happen ever again.  I almost had to file for bankruptcy we were so far in debt.  That was only 6 years ago!

And again, I am OK with most of this. I bought the 2k chair.  I accept the differences between us and my partner has taught me that stocking up for a future when you are 50 might be me pretending I am not 50.  I could be dead tomorrow. We'll go to a city and use Air BnB and I'll be like "this place looks nice ($170 per night) and my partner will be like "that place is gross, how about THIS place ($370 a night)"

It really is the attitude which was summed up in one statement that led me here, but again Glows it's about more than money.

Thank you for this post.

 

But you haven't answered a few of the questions I had - the first one regarding communication with your partner and later on about building a life together or what that looks like to you. I had asked what either of your expectations were for marriage if that has ever come up. Is that what your partner expects? 

All things said, this may be an assumption on my part but considering what you've mentioned about your ex-spouse, do you think you haven't recovered from your previous marriage? You seem very uneasy about money and the way that your now-partner addresses you and their attitude or offhand insulting comments rubs salt into a wound that isn't completely healed. 

Regardless of your issues with your partner, there is no need for them to be calling you names or insulting you. They can very well move on and date someone else who is more on their page instead of bullying and insulting you into submission. 

It may be a different matter if they thoughtfully had a conversation with you and said, "Yes, that does seem quite extravagant. Why don't we come to another compromise for a $250/night room instead and see what else is available." Dismissive comments are signs of contempt and I don't believe rudeness and contempt have any place in a relationship regardless of how frustrating things can get. 

You may have previous issues to work out with a therapist if it stems from your ex-marriage but it doesn't mean that your partner now disrespects you or bulldozes anything over what you have to say or what your thoughts are. You may have to decide, in tandem while working out past grievances, whether this person is mature enough to maintain a healthy or respectful relationship with you. 

If you are here to vent that's fine too. None of this seems healthy to me, nor your partner's treatment of you.

Edited July 22, 2022 by glows

[vla1120]

18 hours ago, McGee911 said:

I came from a failed marriage where I put my ex-spouse 3rd behind my children and my job and it ended the marriage.  The pecking order is the same here.  This was obvious from day one.  There is a negative side to loving your job this much, among the negatives is a tendency to work too much. 

I could have written this. I was always the main breadwinner and my career was/is important to me. My first husband and I also had these same arguments about money, where he said that he didn't benefit from my money because he also had champagne taste and would get angry that I was so frugal. For example, he wanted a $2,000 set of golf clubs and I didn't understand why he couldn't first try the set of golf clubs my co-worker was selling for $50. He was insulted at the suggestion. When we separated, his dating profile said he was looking for a woman who wasn't "married to her job." Then, about a year after we divorced, he mentioned he didn't realize how much he actually DID benefit from my income and he missed my major contribution to the household, since he was now with a woman who does not work. 

It sounds like the two of you need to get on the same page as far as finances. Otherwise, you've got a tough road ahead. She needs to be okay with your frugality and understand how it allows you to take a $10,000 vacation. If you were constantly spending champagne-level money in areas where beer-level would work just as well, she probably wouldn't have the benefit of that $10,000 vacation. As far as I am concerned, she needs to work a little harder to come in your direction since you are the one looking out for your future (and hers, if you stay together.) 

[McGee911]

21 hours ago, glows said:

 

Was marriage ever brought up? You're already living together and building a life together. What else is there unless either or both of you want marriage and more children? After four years, do you think your partner is starting to realize that it may never happen and is building more resentment towards you?

 

 

Marriage is brought up, and indeed we are not on the same page.  If I am being totally honest, some of that is these financial differences.  To answer a previous person's question, I pay quite a lot in child support and that is not deducted from my money first before we discuss how things are split.  It's just my gross income and my partners gross income, all debts and supports aside.  And I'm sure it's a lingering, nagging issue to my partner.  I'm just not in a hurry.  We struggle to find common ground on how money works and it isn't like we are going to have kids/family.  I can see myself spending the rest of my life with my partner in spite of me letting this out here, and I could also see getting married at some point if it felt totally right.

 

[McGee911]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, you have admitted to having an unhealthy relationship with money. It's almost bulimic where you'll squander money on trips for your family but live in the basement and sleep on the sofa. So it's binge and purge.

The problem isn't your live in GF. Your unhealthy attachments to things and money precedes dating her.

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. At 50, it's time for a check up. Discuss the snoring and any other health problems. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

How old are your children? Do you pay child support? Your GF doesn't have kids so she's doing more in the relationship.

 Often pathological frugality comes with hoarding disorders and obsessive compulsive disorders. It also comes with a penny wise pound foolish mindset to money. For example wasting hours and gas to drive around for saving 2 cents on gas.

So sadly this is not a situation of your GF not appreciating you, this is a situation of internally struggling. 

Sometimes it's called can't see the forest for the trees. 

 

 

I was going to not reply to this, but I find this opinion a bit dense.  I don't feel at all like I have an unhealthy relationship with money.  To another persons point, it can't be all one way or another. THAT would be unhealthy.  I am frugal when it feels right and then I will spend when it feels right.  If I had an "unhealthy attachment to things", I'd have more things!  

"Pathological frugality" is completely inaccurate.  My Edward Jones guy tells me all the time "save up for the vacation by cutting down on X, Y, and Z:" so that is exactly what I do.  I call it "forced discipline" and I find to be an extremely healthy way to approach it.  

Also, this is veering off topic some.  My sole "beef" is my partners claim that they don't benefit from my money.. To me, it's cut and dry.  "You pay $1,500 a month for your apartment, all your food, internet, and utilities"  As many others have noted, that sounds beneficial to me.  

If I didn't want another unique opinion on this, I wouldn't have posted, right? I'm looking for more meaning in that statement.  Some of you have said it'sa deeper issue, and I appreciate and accept that.  

[Weezy1973]

28 minutes ago, McGee911 said:

  Some of you have said it'sa deeper issue, and I appreciate and accept that.  

Have you asked your partner how they define beneficial? If they were to benefit from your higher income what would that look like to them? It could be just a different interpretation. They see you both benefitting by having a higher standard of living with your income, but that isn’t specifically about your partner. That’s both of you as a couple. If you were, for example, using your money to save for their retirement, they might see that as a direct benefit to them.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, McGee911 said:

"You pay $1,500 a month for your apartment, all your food, internet, and utilities" 

Ask what is meant by it. Perhaps the extra space for your children or having them stay with you does is not of benefit and more of an inconvenience. Do you want more money from your partner? It's unclear why this argument statement can't be resolved.

[glows]

1 hour ago, McGee911 said:

Marriage is brought up, and indeed we are not on the same page.  If I am being totally honest, some of that is these financial differences.  To answer a previous person's question, I pay quite a lot in child support and that is not deducted from my money first before we discuss how things are split.  It's just my gross income and my partners gross income, all debts and supports aside.  And I'm sure it's a lingering, nagging issue to my partner.  I'm just not in a hurry.  We struggle to find common ground on how money works and it isn't like we are going to have kids/family.  I can see myself spending the rest of my life with my partner in spite of me letting this out here, and I could also see getting married at some point if it felt totally right.

 

There's love and care between the both of you and you both have to work on that communication. That kind of disrespect and contempt just isn't ok in a relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

Is it your place or co-owned co-leased? Is she on the deed or lease? Is she a month-to-month tenant or is there a lease agreement?

Keep in mind that since you are not married any furnishings or investments you make in the house is yours and yours alone. She leaves with nothing.

The cost of utilities and cable etc would be the same either way. If you own the place perhaps what she pays you in room and board could help you build equity and pay down your mortgage.

Perhaps you could come to a win-win situation and the room and board she's paying you helps defray your overhead or compensates somewhat for the cost of your divorce and child support payments.

So of you feel the room and board you're charging her benefits you try to see it as a win-win situation.