Don't know if my boyfriend is actually into me or not, but I also feel like I'm overthinking things.

[emkay94]

Hey everyone! My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half, and we have been living with each other for about 3 months now. While I love him a lot, and he tells me he loves me too, sometimes he'll do things that makes me question if he's being 100% truthful. But at the same time, a part of me feels like I'm overthinking things or being insecure. So I've made a list of the good things that make me feel secure in the relationship, and the issues that make me feel a bit insecure in the relationship.  

Here are the good things:

1. He can be very consistent. For example, he always wakes up for work before me, and would give me a kiss when he's about to leave. And when he arrives to work, he'll always send me a good morning text and would say I love you. He hasn't missed a day. Or if he finds out he is working a double, then he would call me to not only tell me he'll be home late tonight, but also ask how's my day going and stuff like that.

2. Throughout our relationship, he has been the one to make the first move. For example, he was the one who wanted to make things official. He was the one who wanted us to move in. He was the first one to say I love you. He was the first one to bring me around his family and friends. Etc.

3. He always talks about a future with me. He'll say things like "when we get older", or "when we get a dog in the future", or "when we get a house". He has also told me he wants to get married to me one day.

4. He is also very affectionate. We live together, and there would be times where he would just randomly give me a hug or a kiss on my hand, and then say I love you.

5. If I do get upset with him about anything, he'll try to make it right ASAP. This is one thing I really appreciate from him - he can be very understanding. I've talked to him about everything in the "bad things" list below, and afterwards he'll try to make adjustments to what I spoke to him about.

Here are the bad things:

1. He tends to talk about himself a lot, and would normally shift the conversation to himself. For example: We were on the phone one night, and I found out my favorite girl group announced a concert coincidentally on the weekend of my birthday. I was super excited of course. My boyfriend's response? "Oh wow that sounds great, oh I just remembered I need to buy a gift for my aunt." I started an art business last summer, and he never cared to look at my artwork. When I finally had a launch, all what he said was "that sounds cool, well good luck!" This came to the point where I felt extremely lonely in the relationship, and even had a talk with him about it in January and then again 2 days ago. He said he's trying to work on it.

2. There are times where he would do something during sex that makes me feel undesirable. For example, a couple weeks ago he decided to respond back to a text in the middle of me orgasming. The last time we were intimate, he kept "pausing" while giving me oral, which he later apologized for because "his mind kept wandering to something that happened earlier" (I actually cried).

3. And then there's the lack of quality time - something I've been bringing up since last summer. While I do admit things have improved - we went from not going on dates at all to dating here and there - I still take the initiative a majority of the time and he games a LOT (even though I play games too...). And whenever I suggest doing something that doesn't involve going to a restaurant, he'll ask me to also invite my two close friends.

4. He has also lied to me here and there. For example, extremely long story short, he once told me that he wasn't following and liking pics of half-naked women on social media, but then a couple of months later I found out that he was - even liked booty pics on the day of our anniversary. I didn't talk to him about it for months, and throughout the months I saw him "make fun" of the half-naked woman we'd see and the guys that follow them, but then also follow more on Instagram in private. What confused me here is that not only have we communicated that I didn't care if he followed those type of women, but we are very open about porn and stuff like that. When I finally talked to him about the issue, he said he apologized and then deleted his Instagram account and created a new one. He told me that "I don't have to worry about him following those accounts anymore", but then earlier this week I saw that he started once again...

[stillafool]

Emkay, what is your question?

[ExpatInItaly]

You're not over-thinking. He's not as into you as you are into him. 

This sounds like a relationship of convenience for him. You've already had multiple talks this, and the situation hasn't improved in any significant way. This is who he is: fine with being with you, but not super into you. It's sad to realize, but the writing is on the wall. 

13 minutes ago, emkay94 said:

he decided to respond back to a text in the middle of me orgasming.

And this is mental. I would not have sex with this man anymore. What in the actual eff. 

This guy is jjust not a good boyfriend. You can do better. 

[emkay94]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Emkay, what is your question?

Am I overthinking things that my bf is not as into me as he claims.

[emkay94]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're not over-thinking. He's not as into you as you are into him. 

This sounds like a relationship of convenience for him. You've already had multiple talks this, and the situation hasn't improved in any significant way. This is who he is: fine with being with you, but not super into you. It's sad to realize, but the writing is on the wall. 

And this is mental. I would not have sex with this man anymore. What in the actual eff. 

This guy is jjust not a good boyfriend. You can do better. 

Thanks. The reason why I even thought to post this is because when we had a serious discussion 2 days ago, he said he realizes that whenever something gets sour in the relationship, it always involves him doing something wrong. I said I noticed that too (I used to sugarcoat this and not be so blunt but I was frustrated) and to me, the stuff that he does that we talk about gives me the impression that he doesn’t truly like me. Like I feel like someone who truly likes his girlfriend would take her out, or would want to know more about her hobbies and passions to see what makes her happy and sad, or would show more appreciation. All what he said was “okay, I’ll try to correct my ways and do better.”

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, emkay94 said:

Am I overthinking things that my bf is not as into me as he claims.

From your list it seems like the good things you listed are things anyone would do and not that big a deal.  The bad things list makes him seem self absorbed and not that in to you.  If he answers texts while you're orgasing and his mind wanders while giving you oral, no he's not that into you.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, emkay94 said:

he games a LOT

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Is it his place? Do you both work fulltime outside of the house and have roughly equal incomes?

Unfortunately some of your "pros" are actually red flags such as future talk and the rest are simply ok/decent, the bare minimum. 

The bit about checking his phone during sex is quite strange. Is he addicted to something on his phone like gaming, gambling, etc.?

 Be seems to be coasting along hoping you tolerate his inertia and believe the future talk. make sure his "corrections" are not just lip-service to placate.

Edited July 22, 2022 by Wiseman2

[emkay94]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Is it his place? Do you both work fulltime outside of the house and have roughly equal incomes?

Unfortunately some of your "pros" are actually red flags such as future talk and the rest are simply ok/decent, the bare minimum. 

The bit about checking his phone during sex is quite strange. Is he addicted to something on his phone like gaming, gambling, etc.?

 Be seems to be coasting along hoping you tolerate his inertia and believe the future talk. make sure his "corrections" are not just lip-service to placate.

Thanks for the advice. We moved into a brand new apartment, and the apartment is in both of our names. I make more than him - almost double the salary - but we can both afford things. And we both work full time, but I work from home and he has to commute.

And yea, the texting upset me too - I even asked if he wanted to do it another time because he doesn’t seem into it, and he was like “no no I’m definitely in to it”. He told me later that he was responding to a guy friend (who I know) who asked if he was working or calling off of work tomorrow - so a non-emergency. He still apologized and said he’d feel offended if I did that to him, but said he originally didn’t think it was a big deal because I “take a while to catch my breath after I orgasm” so he decided to respond while I was catching my breath.

[smackie9]

Hey it could very well mean he has ADD. People with that disorder have a bad time focusing, and their brain goes somewhere else. If he didn't care about you he wouldn't be going down on you. Next time, shut the phones off and leave them outside the bedroom. Light some nice candles, create a soothing, relaxing atmosphere. Maybe give each other massages before sex. See if that shifts things a bit. 

[emkay94]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Hey it could very well mean he has ADD. People with that disorder have a bad time focusing, and their brain goes somewhere else. If he didn't care about you he wouldn't be going down on you. Next time, shut the phones off and leave them outside the bedroom. Light some nice candles, create a soothing, relaxing atmosphere. Maybe give each other massages before sex. See if that shifts things a bit. 

Thanks, you know I have also thought about this. It seems like a lot of issues we have involve a lack of his attention/self-awareness on his side. There have been times where he would talk about one thing, and then automatically think of another thing - like he would turn on the TV to watch a show, and then 5 seconds later open his laptop to play a game, but then minimize the game to go shopping on Amazon. We’ve joked about it here and there, but I never considered that it could be ADD til now.

[emkay94]

Oh and I forgot to mention - we’ve definitely done the candle lights + massage stuff before. I’ve also wore sexy outfits for him, which he really enjoyed. 

[glows]

He may be into you in ways that are limited because he is limited... It's hard to take someone like this seriously. He says one thing and does another. Starts something and gets distracted. Is in the middle of one thing and does something else. 

It's one thing if he has ADD but he also lies. Multiple times. 

He's a pathological liar. He lies to hide information about himself, possibly because he doesn't like your reactions. He may be a fearful liar. Either way he comes across as someone who is in no control of his impulses or desires. 

Dating someone like this is risky as they're unpredictable and impulsive. I wouldn't worry at all whether he's into me. I'd worry about my life, future, health, finances or comingling any sort of life with this person. 

Edited July 22, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, emkay94 said:

he would turn on the TV to watch a show, and then 5 seconds later open his laptop to play a game, but then minimize the game to go shopping on Amazon. 

It could be anything from manic episodes, behavioral addictions (gaming, gambling, promiscuity), compulsions, drug use to immaturity like a child running around in a candy store. Anything actually.

It's best not to use trendy labels to explain bad behavior. The bottom line is you are living with a large child. How old is he?

You don't need to seduce him in order to avoid bizarre behavior like checking his phone during sex.

Make sure you are not getting into mothering, fixing or changing mode.

[smackie9]

I have done some reading/watched Dr. Amen videos, and you can retrain your/his brain. It just might be a matter of stopping him and pointing out his behavior right at the moment it happens, and then help him refocus. It would slowly make him more aware, and he can start to stop himself on his own eventually. As for the lying, it's probably used as a coping mechanism learned since childhood because he didn't know how to explain or understand his behavior. kids don't know they have a problem, so they do the best they can dealing it within their environment. 

[Lotsgoingon]

A list won't get you to an answer when it comes to deciding if you should continue or stop a relationship.

The conclusion comes from an overall feeling in your gut. A feeling of safety, not just physical but emotional. A feeling of trust, a feeling (very clear) that are you valued and treasured, a feeling that dating this person isn't a mountain climbing ordeal. 

One gut test I use is whether or not I can stop asking the question, the question of whether the relationship is good for me or not. If I'm repeatedly asking that question, then the answer is "no," the relationship is not working for me. Doesn't matter if the person has 221 fantastic traits. 

[glows]

He's unreliable and a liar, OP. You can frame it any way you prefer or dress it up and describe it in different ways. It doesn't change that fact. I agree with the comment about a gut feeling and one of safety. If you're constantly looking over your shoulder and don't trust a person's reactions and behaviours, that's a good sign that he's not the one for you.

[Maldives]

From a guys perspective I think you're overthinking it. He's timing could be better but it's probably something you can bring up to him and tell him how it makes you feel. Don't assume he's aware of his behaviour communicate it to him. Here's a tip though it's all how you deliver the message men often feel there being criticised when woman share feelings. Just a tip.

 

Btw all men are into looking at woman in bikinis or half naked if they say they're not it's BS. I don't think it's anything to worry about seriously all men do it. In most cases it doesn't mean they're going to cheat or want another woman. I'm sure woman will check out a hot guy down at the beach too that's all it is 

 

Re: the video games and taking initiative, this is where a lot of us men fail, we become complacent and lazy. 

 

 

Edited July 23, 2022 by Goodguy05

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, emkay94 said:

We’ve joked about it here and there, but I never considered that it could be ADD til now.

But that is not related to his utter lack of initiative in the relationship. 

[Will am I]

I think he really is trying, but he seems to lack in emphatic skills.

Does he show any signs that you would associate with the  autism spectrum?

[regine_phalange]

I honestly can't tell, he may be into you but lazy and self-absorbed.

How do you feel about him? Do you have fun? Lack of quality time and self-centered conversation isn't much fun. Are you sure you want this to be your home life for the next years?