HealingJay Posted July 22, 2022 Share Posted July 22, 2022 To start I'm 40yrs old so I'm in no way new to dating but I've only ever dated 1 person at a time. I found it easier to focus on one person. Now I have 2 men pursuing me and I'm genuinely interested in both of them. I know I'm not committed to either of them so I don't need to feel guilty but honestly it feels uncomfortable to me. When they tell me how much they're into me, I feel guilty. Like I should say I'm dating other people. I know I'm probably overthinking but please someone with experience dating multiple ppl at once, tell me how this works 😩😩. Should I tell them about each other ( it hasn't become anything sexual with either one). Also, how would I break it off if or when It gets to the point of exclusivity. Thank you in advance for any help or suggestions. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 22, 2022 Share Posted July 22, 2022 Are you waiting for one of them to bring up exclusivity? I'd be less passive and choose one if you want to date one person (or not feel guilty). Ie. make up your mind. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HealingJay Posted July 22, 2022 Author Share Posted July 22, 2022 3 minutes ago, glows said: Are you waiting for one of them to bring up exclusivity? I'd be less passive and choose one if you want to date one person (or not feel guilty). Ie. make up your mind. I'm not waiting for one of them to bring it up. I don't bring it up yet because i don't know which one I prefer. I'm still getting to know them better but I do see how making up my mind quickly would solve the problem. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 22, 2022 Share Posted July 22, 2022 I would date both with the plan of deciding which person I want to date seriously. When you end it with the other, you don’t need to say anything more than - “I’m very sorry, but I’ve thought about it and I just don’t think this is going to work for me.” My absolute no would be having sex with either man. At that point, there needs to be only one man… I couldn’t have a physical relationship while dating two men. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HealingJay Posted July 22, 2022 Author Share Posted July 22, 2022 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: I would date both with the plan of deciding which person I want to date seriously. When you end it with the other, you don’t need to say anything more than - “I’m very sorry, but I’ve thought about it and I just don’t think this is going to work for me.” My absolute no would be having sex with either man. At that point, there needs to be only one man… I couldn’t have a physical relationship while dating two men. That's great advice, thank you! I agree about only having sex with 1 person. I will definitely choose before I take that step Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 22, 2022 Share Posted July 22, 2022 1 hour ago, HealingJay said: Should I tell them about each other ( it hasn't become anything sexual with either one). Also, how would I break it off if or when It gets to the point of exclusivity. Have you met both of them in person? How many dates have you been on with either of them? It hasn't become sexual or exclusive and you can be assured that they are dating others as well. Get to know them until you see a match potential or you wish to become intimate and exclusive. If you decide (mutually) that you wish to become intimate/exclusive simply tell the other you're not a match. After all these two men are also dating other women so they'll move on quickly as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HealingJay Posted July 22, 2022 Author Share Posted July 22, 2022 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Have you met both of them in person? How many dates have you been on with either of them? It hasn't become sexual or exclusive and you can be assured that they are dating others as well. Get to know them until you see a match potential or you wish to become intimate and exclusive. If you decide (mutually) that you wish to become intimate/exclusive simply tell the other you're not a match. After all these two men are also dating other women so they'll move on quickly as well. I met them both in person at work related events. I went out on 3 official dates with one and 4 with the other as well as spending time with the both of them while working and communicating on the phone regularly with both. It does make sense that they would be seeing other people and not mentioning it either. That thought definitely eases my guilt. Thank you for your advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 22, 2022 Share Posted July 22, 2022 1 minute ago, HealingJay said: I met them both in person at work related events. I went out on 3 official dates with one and 4 with the other as well as spending time with the both of them while working and communicating on the phone regularly with both. It does make sense that they would be seeing other people and not mentioning it either. That thought definitely eases my guilt. Thank you for your advice. Are you concerned that they'll find out they're both dating you if you're mingling at similar work events? Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 22, 2022 Share Posted July 22, 2022 My view is that you can date ten people at the same time—and like all of them--as long as you aren't lying to anyone and haven't committed to anyone. Anyone going out with you on a date should NOT assume you want to be exclusive until you agree to be exclusive. YOU should not assume that you are the only one in the picture for each of these two male suitors. You're assuming they're focused only on you. Don’t do that. A good rule of thumb would be to tell people you are dating others when you get the slightest hint that the other person is assuming you are exclusive or acting like you are exclusive. Let's say one of these guys were to invite you to some expensive night on the town. Well at that point, it makes sense to tell the other person that you are dating other people as well. Avoid saying "there is another man" in the picture. Just say you are going out on dates with others. Or if one of them invites you on a week-long trip, that can be an indicator that they are assuming you are exclusive and so it's time to have the talk. Or if one person invites you to meet their family. It sounds to me like both of these guys have passed the first-round interviews with you. But look, just because they have passed the first round doesn't mean they're worth dating seriously. Time to get picky. Are you not picky? Time to get out of feeling flattered and think seriously about which one you are more drawn to and which one just feels like the best partner. Could be neither of these guys is worth dating seriously. I sense you assume both are worth dating seriously. And I worry you're not being picky enough. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted July 23, 2022 Share Posted July 23, 2022 I'd date multiple women, but if any wanted to become sexual (which was typical), I'd tell all that I was dating others, wasn't (yet) exclusive, and might have sex with others. They could choose to end things with me, or continue dating me; most continued dating me and wanted to have sex as well. As long as everyone was informed, consenting, and we took precautions, almost no one had an issue with this. Before long, though, I was able to choose the best match for me - and sex was a VERY important factor in making that choice. Serial dating is little different. You could break up with someone you'd had sex with, and the next day meet someone else and have sex with them. You wouldn't have to tell anyone anything, which is easier, I suppose, but avoids the need to get informed consent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HealingJay Posted July 24, 2022 Author Share Posted July 24, 2022 AS AN UPDATE, I'VE DECIDED TO SPLIT FROM THE GUY I WENT ON 3 DATES WITH. HE'S SERIOUSLY PUSHING FOR COMMITMENT. I FEEL IT'S TOO SOON AND I DON'T FEEL THAT DEEPLY FOR HIM. THANK YOU ALL AGAIN FOR YOUR ADVICE. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HealingJay Posted July 24, 2022 Author Share Posted July 24, 2022 On 7/22/2022 at 2:23 PM, glows said: Are you concerned that they'll find out they're both dating you if you're mingling at similar work events? The likelihood of that is slim so it never occurred to me. I was more of a moral issue for me and not wanting to unintentionally hurt anyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 24, 2022 Share Posted July 24, 2022 People in the early stage of dating can protect themselves--that's not really your job to worry about "unintentionally" hurting someone. If that's the standard, no one would ever tell another person, "Hey, I'm not interested." The other person hurts when they hear that. But there is nothing unfair or wrong or mean or cruel about telling someone you're not interested. In fact, it's quite honorably to tell them the truth so that they don't invest time and hope in dating us. And it's moral to also protect yourself--in this case by not assuming that these two guys were only spending time with you. Link to post Share on other sites
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