I'm becoming the other woman- I know I'm going to get hurt

[Amitheotherwoman]

So, I’ve found myself googling forums like this as I don’t know how I can talk to anyone in my life about it. Perhaps that says it all. 
After 15 years I’ve been back in in touch with someone who I always considered a “one that got away”as at the time I couldn’t see what was good for me, and had very low confidence. He’s now married with children & we started chatting online 5 weeks ago. Since then we’ve basically spoken every day, met up the first week & the conversations have become increasingly intimate & I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m trying to block out how wrong it is because it makes me feel so good. But I feel like we are on the brink of an affair & I don’t know how to stop it, if I want to or how to protect myself.
I’m in my 30’s, still single & haven’t had someone make me feel like this in so long.

Any advice?

[BaileyB]

Well, he’s not that wonderful if he is married with children and chatting up/meeting another woman. I mean, not a guy that I would chose for myself. 

And then, there is the fact that I simply would NEVER chose to be the kind of woman to do this to another woman and her children. 

But, if this is who you want to be - by all means… this is your opportunity. Seize the day! 

25 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I’m trying to block out how wrong it is because it makes me feel so good.

What kind of advice are you seeking exactly? Because, it seems to me that you’ve already made your decision…

 

Edited July 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[Amitheotherwoman]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Well, he’s not that wonderful if he is married with children and chatting up/meeting another woman. I mean, not a guy that I would chose for myself. 

And then, there is the fact that I simply would NEVER chose to be the kind of woman to do this to another woman and her children. 

But, if this is who you want to be - by all means… this is your opportunity. Seize the day! 

What kind of advice are you seeking exactly? Because, it seems to me that you’ve already made your decision…

 

I hadn’t meant to offend anyone. This is all entirely new to me, and very much unplanned. Nothing it’s ideal has happened at this stage, but I feel overcome with feelings for him.

i don’t know what advice I’m seeking, because honestly I would never have seen myself in this situation. 

perhaps someone in a similar position, to connect with & either hear their story, or advise on how to not get hurt. 
 

I’m sorry if any of that sounds selfish, but I guess ultimately I am looking out for myself here. 

[Davina1]

Block him and delete his details .  For you own sake please don’t start an affair either emotional or physical with this man . It will only lead to heartbreak for you and his family .  Think of how you will feel on holidays when you are waiting for a text or a call and he is with his family .   Go find yourself someone who puts you first and is available 

[BaileyB]

You haven’t offended me. 

25 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

This is all entirely new to me, and very much unplanned.

If this is true, what exactly was your intention when you got back in touch with the man you have had a crush on for the last 15 years? Every single decision to message and meet is a very purposeful decision. 

25 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I feel overcome with feelings for him.

Just because you have feelings for the man does not mean that you have to act on them. You can have feelings for someone and still respect the boundary of their marriage. 

25 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I’m sorry if any of that sounds selfish, but I guess ultimately I am looking out for myself here. 

This is very much how your post reads - you missed out the first time because you lacked the confidence to take the risk. You feel that somehow you are owed and that this is your opportunity… a hollow victory it will be when you sleep with the man and then he kisses you and goes home to his wife and children. 

Again, I would ask what right you feel you have to interfere in another marriage? And, I say this not out of judgment. I’m not a betrayed spouse - I have no agenda here. I’m just asking you before you plunge headfirst down the rabbit hole insisting that you are entitled to selfishly pursue your own purpose… put yourself in the position of his wife. His children. Do you have any empathy for them? Or, are you so sure that you want to “be selfish” that you are not willing, not able, to consider this decision from the other point of view. 

25 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

perhaps someone in a similar position, to connect with & either hear their story, or advise on how to not get hurt. 

Read this site, pages and pages of stories. I will share one for you to read - 

Affairs destroy lives. 

Edited July 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[Amitheotherwoman]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You haven’t offended me. 

If this is true, what exactly was your intention when you got back in touch with the man you have had a crush on for the last 15 years? Every single decision to message and meet is a very purposeful decision. 

Just because you have feelings for the man does not mean that you have to act on them. You can have feelings for someone and still respect the boundary of their marriage. 

This is very much how your post reads - you missed out the first time because you lacked the confidence to take the risk. You feel that somehow you are owed and that this is your opportunity… a hollow victory it will be when you sleep with the man and then he kisses you and goes home to his wife and children. 

Again, I would ask what right you feel you have to interfere in another marriage? And, I say this not out of judgment. I’m not a betrayed spouse - I have no agenda here. I’m just asking you before you plunge headfirst down the rabbit hole insisting that you are entitled to selfishly pursue your own purpose… put yourself in the position of his wife. His children. Do you have any empathy for them? Or, are you so sure that you want to “be selfish” that you are not willing, not able, to consider this decision from the other point of view. 

Read this site, pages and pages of stories. I will share one for you to read - 

 

It feels very judgemental & presumptuous of you to make assumptions like that. Of course I think about his family. Of course I do.  When I got in touch I did not know he was married & the conversation was platonic. He told me, we carried in chatting platonically but at some point that was changed … by him I might add. 
Perhaps I’ve come to the wrong place to discuss this. Apologies. 

[BaileyB]

No, please stay because there will be others who have experienced this and they will share their stories. You can also read the board - lots of stories here. I know that It must feel like I’ve been very harsh, but I sincerely want to challenge your thinking here. You have not gone so far that you can not right this ship and recover fairly easy. Now is the time to do that, the longer you chose to stay involved with this man the harder it will get. 

If it feels presumptuous, it is simply because your story starts out virtually the same as every other on this board… that’s all. You reconnect, he tests the boundary and realizes that you are not opposed, and down the path you go… singing a happy tune about how this was not planned, it was meant to be (you are finally getting your chance), and how you have no control here because you have developed feelings for the man…

20 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

Of course I think about his family. Of course I do.

You don’t like my posts because they challenge your justification for pursuing this relationship… and that’s ok. It’s the posts that you do not like that you most need to read at this point in time.

I’m still going to ask because I want to challenger your thinking - how exactly does this quote jive with your previous quote? 

46 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I’m sorry if any of that sounds selfish, but I guess ultimately I am looking out for myself here. 

You’ve considered his wife and family and you have decided they don’t matter. Certainly not as much as you do. That’s really unfortunate. It is, essentially, one of the ways that you justify the decision to be involved with this man. You’ve begun to do mental gymnastics. 

If you want people to tell you that this is a good idea, that you are entitled to pursue this relationship, there are other sites that will do that. But you came here, apparently saying that you had decided to pursue this but wanting to know from other women if this was a good idea. It’s not a good idea. You already know that - it’s in your title.

Edited July 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Block him and move on and start making positive life decisions. You know what you are doing is not right and will hurt you in the end (your words). He isn’t that great as noted above given all this engagement, which his wife surely doesn’t know about. 

From my position, it is immaterial if he started to be inappropriate first, you are continuing the dialogue so you need to own that. I would never be the OW and have such little respect for MY value, not to mention being in an affair doesn’t fit with the ethical code I live by.

At five weeks of chatting you can get over him easily. The longer you wait the harder it will be. While you may “miss” him, it’s the fantasy in your head that you will miss really. Get active meeting others, throwing yourself into positive pursuits.
 

Good luck. I am not trying to be judgmental but you asked and I think you need a wake up call.

 

[Amitheotherwoman]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No, please satay because there will be others who have experienced this and they will share their stories. You can also read the board - lots of stories here. 

If it feels presumptuous, it is simply because your story starts out virtually the same as every other on this board… that’s all. You reconnect, he tests the boundary and realizes that you are not opposed, and down the path you go… singing a happy tune about how this was not planned, it was meant to be (you are finally getting your chance), and how you have no control here because you have developed feelings for the man…

 

You don’t like my posts because they challenge your justifications for pursuing this relationship… and that’s ok. 

I’m still going to ask because I want to challenger your thinking - how exactly does this quote jive with your previous quote? 

You’ve considered his wife and family and you have decided they don’t matter. Certainly not as much as you do. That’s unfortunate. 

If you want people to tell you that this is a good idea, that you are entitled to pursue this relationship, there are other sites that will do that. But you came here, apparently saying that you had decided to pursue this but wanting to know from other women if this was a good idea. It’s not a good idea. 

I’m sorry.
 

I have tried to end it twice and then he’s got back in touch & I guess if I’m being really honest there’s part of me that thinks ok I’ve tried to do the right thing & he being the one that is married is persuing me, some how justifies it in part. 

im happy to be challenged. It’s part of the reason I’m here posting, but I find your wording judgemental. I’m not any “kind of woman” and resent the phrasing. 
 

the world isn’t black & white.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I have tried to end it twice and then he’s got back in touch

If he has a way to get back in touch, you haven't tried hard enough to end it. 

The cold reality is that you know exactly how to end it, and you could if you wanted to (block) But, as you concede, there is a big part of you that doesn't want it to end. You just want it to be his idea to keep it going, to offer some justification to yourself to continue. 

But there is no justification. You know that. The only way not to get hurt here is to delete and block him everywhere. There is no other option. Read these forums and the other stories of the OW who are you, in the future. There is a reason forums like this exist, and it's very rarely because someone comes to post about their happy ending. 

[Amitheotherwoman]

13 minutes ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

Block him and move on and start making positive life decisions. You know what you are doing is not right and will hurt you in the end (your words). He isn’t that great as noted above given all this engagement, which his wife surely doesn’t know about. 

From my position, it is immaterial if he started to be inappropriate first, you are continuing the dialogue so you need to own that. I would never be the OW and have such little respect for MY value, not to mention being in an affair doesn’t fit with the ethical code I live by.

At five weeks of chatting you can get over him easily. The longer you wait the harder it will be. While you may “miss” him, it’s the fantasy in your head that you will miss really. Get active meeting others, throwing yourself into positive pursuits.
 

Good luck. I am not trying to be judgmental but you asked and I think you need a wake up call.

 

Thank you. I can’t tell you how much I’ve dated and how much I constantly throw myself into new social situations. It really gets me down that I’m 37 & I’ve not met someone. That I’ve not had children & that time us running out. That I’m the only one of my friends who hasn’t. 
 

maybe that’s how I’ve entertained it thus far. Not justifying I’m just so tired of feeling lonely & constantly trying so hard & always pretending I’m ok 

[BrinnM]

I’m sorry if people appear judgmental & harsh here, but I’m sure they mean well. I hope others will chime in as well so that you can get multiple perspectives. The thing is that on these boards you’ll get everybody’s personal opinion, and these opinions are never objective, but very much influenced by the individual poster’s own experiences and fears. The more people contribute, the more you can learn from their experiences. Nothing is ever one-sided. 

@AmitheotherwomanNo you’re NOT the other woman (yet) - things have not progressed that far yet, and it’s up to you to stop it while it’s not too late. 
 

My perspective/experience is this: I’ve been in your shoes, and the “constellation”, if you will, suited me well. Everything was good until we got serious. It wasn’t for me and we split. End of story. The difference between you and me may be that in my case the M was already on its last leg pretty much. It could’ve been saved, IMO, as they didn’t hate each other, but there were so many other things missing, at least for him. So if it hadn’t been me, I’m pretty sure there would’ve been another OW. He was just selfish back then. 
 

Not sure if that’s comparable to your situation, but just throwing out a different perspective. 

[BrinnM]

You might not be cut out for this though 

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I have tried to end it twice and then he’s got back in touch & I guess if I’m being really honest there’s part of me that thinks ok I’ve tried to do the right thing & he being the one that is married is persuing me, some how justifies it in part. 

He’s clearly not doing the right thing. But, if he’s continuing to pursue you then it must mean that he knows that your boundaries are weak. 

It’s hard for us to make decisions that we know deep down are not good decisions. This, the mental gymnastics that help us to be ok with the decision - here we have “I have tried to do the right thing and end this” and “he is the one who is pursuing this, not me.”

The basic truth is, if you really wanted to end this, you certainly could do that pretty easily. You can block him from your phone and social media. You can hang up if he calls from another number. You can refuse his request to meet up. 

I have no doubt that it feels good to be pursued by “the man that got away.” And that is why you’ve been reluctant to definitely end it. 

14 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

the world isn’t black & white.

The argument used by so many on this site who are having difficulty justifying their decisions…

Edited July 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[Amitheotherwoman]

2 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

I’m sorry if people appear judgmental & harsh here, but I’m sure they mean well. I hope others will chime in as well so that you can get multiple perspectives. The thing is that on these boards you’ll get everybody’s personal opinion, and these opinions are never objective, but very much influenced by the individual poster’s own experiences and fears. The more people contribute, the more you can learn from their experiences. Nothing is ever one-sided. 

@AmitheotherwomanNo you’re NOT the other woman (yet) - things have not progressed that far yet, and it’s up to you to stop it while it’s not too late. 
 

My perspective/experience is this: I’ve been in your shoes, and the “constellation”, if you will, suited me well. Everything was good until we got serious. It wasn’t for me and we split. End of story. The difference between you and me may be that in my case the M was already on its last leg pretty much. It could’ve been saved, IMO, as they didn’t hate each other, but there were so many other things missing, at least for him. So if it hadn’t been me, I’m pretty sure there would’ve been another OW. He was just selfish back then. 
 

Not sure if that’s comparable to your situation, but just throwing out a different perspective. 

Thank you. Was a big thing for me to talk about it & can’t talk to anyone in my life so aware I’m sensitive to comments. I appreciate your response. 

Mind me asking how it started with you? Was it emotional ?

[Amitheotherwoman]

4 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

You might not be cut out for this though 

Yeah I get that. I’m not sure I am. 

[Amitheotherwoman]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

He’s clearly not doing the right thing. But, if he’s continuing to pursue you then it must mean that he knows that your boundaries are weak. 

It’s hard for us to make decisions that we know deep down are not good decisions. This, the mental gymnastics that help us to be ok with the decision - here we have “I have tried to do the right thing and end this” and “he is the one who is pursuing this, not me.”

The basic truth is, if you really wanted to end this, you certainly could do that pretty easily. You can block him from your phone and social media. You can hang up if he calls from another number. You can refuse his request to meet up. 

I have no doubt that it feels good to be pursued by “the man that got away.” And that is why you’ve been reluctant to definitely end it. 

The argument used by so many on this site who are having difficulty justifying their decisions…

Perhaps because it is true. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

Yeah I get that. I’m not sure I am. 

Almost nobody really is. 

It requires a level of emotional detachment that most APs just don't have, because, well, the affair began somewhere: A knowing glance between two acquantainces. A long-time friend. Bonding over coffee in the office. The little flickers of emotion are already there to some extent by the time an affair starts. And that's the danger zone for OW such as yourself because it's very rare that an OW can disconnect and happily go about her day unbothered while she knows her secret lover is at home cuddling his wife, brushing her hair out of her eyes in the morning, lazing around with her on a Sunday night over a glass of wine after the kids are in bed, joking with her over a stupid meme his buddy sent him.

The pangs of loneliness are going to be intense here, OP, if you proceed. Because you will know when he stops messaging you at night, it's because he's sliding into bed next his wife. And not you. 

[Amitheotherwoman]

Sorry to ask what is OP?

[BrinnM]

5 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

Mind me asking how it started with you? Was it emotional ?

We met through work/professional contacts, and he asked me out. A lot! Yes, it turned “emotional” at some point; it definitely wasn’t a “just sex” relationship. And tbh, life as a mistress (not sure what else to call it) was much easier and more enjoyable than most other relationships I used to have (after they turned long-term; in the beginning, all relationships are great fun and inspiring). But like I said - it’s definitely  not for everybody, and even we had our little arguments occasionally, and that can be tough if you have to sit and wait until you can you resolve your issues due to bad timing/other commitments/scheduling conflicts. 

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The pangs of loneliness are going to be intense here, OP, if you proceed. Because you will know when he stops messaging you at night, it's because he's sliding into bed next his wife. And not you. 

Also because, she is already lonely and trying to fill a void. This is not your happily ever after OP. You have been single and you have watched your friends marry and have children (I did the same BTW), this is not going to fill that void. If anything, it will make that void feel even more painful. This a relationship that you can share with your friends. You can’t bring him around to Christmas parties and introduce him to your family. Your friends and family aren’t going to celebrate the fact that you have finally found yourself a relationship. He’s not going to be able to grow you a 40th birthday party, or hold you when you are sad, or care for you when you are sick, or travel with you and create memories together… As much as it may feel good now, if you want what your friends and family have, this is not the way to go. 

Edited July 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[Amitheotherwoman]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Also because, she is already lonely and trying to fill a void. This is not your happily ever after OP. You have been single and you have watched your friends marry and have children (I did the same BTW), this is not a relationship that you can share with your friends. You can’t bring him around to Christmas parties and introduce him to your family. Your friends and family aren’t going to celebrate the fact that you have finally found yourself a relationship. He’s not going to be able to grow you a 40th birthday party, or hold you when you are sad, or care for you when you are sick, or travel with you and create memories together… As much as it may feel good now, if you want what your friends and family have, this is not the way to go. 

What is OP?

[BaileyB]

Original poster

[Amitheotherwoman]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Original poster

Ah ok thanks. Appreciate what you're saying. I did come here for these conversations and challenges. It is helpful. 
it’s true that I’m lonely, which perhaps is clouding my judgement & making it more difficult to end it before it goes further. 

[BrinnM]

2 hours ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

weeks ago. Since then we’ve basically spoken every day, met up the first week & the conversations have become increasingly intimate & I can’t stop thinking about him

Only 5 weeks and only 1 meeting in person ….. are you sure he’s trying to start something with you? And: How “intimate” are we talking?
Can it be he’s just playing and goofing around? Not saying it’s not a shitty move on his part to go behind his wife’s back and text inappropriately with somebody eise; that’s always a garbage thing to do, but like - are you maybe over-interpreting his potential level of interest out of loneliness? 

Edited July 24, 2022 by BrinnM