I'm becoming the other woman- I know I'm going to get hurt

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Or if she finds out and comes looking for you? Or finds a way to expose you in a more public manner? I've seen that happen, and it's not pretty. 

This is very real.  Don't expect his wife to sit home passively crying and burying her head in a pillow when she finds out.  You don't know what she might do.  Some will come looking for you, some want revenge and some get violent.  

[Davina1]

17 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

Not true. I’m doing those things. Still hard when you talk to someone every day & then the weekends come & that stops. 

I completely agree with you there . You can be busy but the brain doesn’t stop thinking .   I think you are getting there @Amitheotherwoman

have you looked at meetups ?  

[Amitheotherwoman]

4 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

I completely agree with you there . You can be busy but the brain doesn’t stop thinking .   I think you are getting there @Amitheotherwoman

have you looked at meetups ?  

As in? Meeting him? We met up 

[Will am I]

28 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

Not true. I’m doing those things. Still hard when you talk to someone every day & then the weekends come & that stops. 

This is a small preface of the reality as an OW. Imagine your MM going on a holiday with his wife and family and you’ll be shut out for three weeks, in the middle of an affair that has developed much deeper than the connection you have now. That must hurt do much.

I truly hope that you can find a good partner of your own. So much better for your dignity.

Letting this situation linger would unfortunately go down the hurtful path.

Edited July 26, 2022 by Will am I

[Amitheotherwoman]

1 minute ago, Will am I said:

This is a small preface of the reality as an OW. Imagine your MM going on a holiday with his wife and family and you’ll be shut out for three weeks, in the middle of an affair that has developed much deeper than the connection you have now. That must hurt do much.

I truly hope that you can find a good partner of your own. So much better for your dignity.

Letting this situation linger would unfortunately go down that path. 

Agreed. I’ve deleted his number now too as well as messages. I didn’t block him which I know I should have. I just couldn’t bring myself to 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

As in? Meeting him? We met up 

I think @Davina1 meant "meetup" as in the website/app. 

It's meant for likeminded people to connect with others who share a hobby or general interest. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I’m trying to look at why I’ve gotten here. Maybe that’s part of the allure. Feeling you’re that irresistible.

It's important to differentiate if the prospect commitment-free sex or you are "irresistible". He resists you all weekend while he's with his family, so that could be some food for thought.

[Davina1]

17 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

I completely agree with you there . You can be busy but the brain doesn’t stop thinking .   I think you are getting there @Amitheotherwoman

have you looked at meetups ?  

No sorry it’s a social group called meet-ups . Hiking meals book clubs that kind of thing 

[Amitheotherwoman]

12 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

No sorry it’s a social group called meet-ups . Hiking meals book clubs that kind of thing 

Ah right. No never heard of it 

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I would be lying if I said when this exchange happened there wasn’t part of me that hoped he was unhappy, and hoped that he was perhaps to Pursue me seriously.

Here’s the thing - most married men say that. Very few of them tell prospective affair partners that they are happily married and unwilling to ever consider leaving their marriage  because very few women would have sex with them if they did! A well adjusted, emotionally healthy woman would tell THIS guy to scram!!

So, they tell their tale of woe about how they are unhappy in their marriage, their wives are so busy raising the children that the MM is feeling neglected and unloved, they would like to leave but for the children… and OW eat that stuff up! As one poster says, MM has to do very little initially and the the women usually take it from there… spinning their fantasies about how the poor man suffers through his marriage only to find the OW who will deliver him to a better life… 

Unfortunately, you can’t believe a word that the man says. Why not - you know that he is lying to his wife about the affair. Also, some men will say just about anything to get sex. They know how to find the women who are lonely and have weak boundaries. As above, they know what to say to prey upon your loneliness and your desire to feel “irresistible” and chosen - unlike the wife, who was also chosen but has now been passed over because she “doesn’t meet his needs anymore.”

Or, does she? Lots of women on this site who say the marriage was good, the sex was frequent and great, and he still went in search of others with his tale of woe…

So, if you actually hear those words come out of his mouth you should see that as a HUGE red flag - know that he is playing you like a fiddle… straight from the MM handbook. In much the same way that he backed off and told you that he was very inexperienced when you questioned him about moving the conversation to sex early on - “Who me? No, I’ve never done this before. That’s not what I want…” You have got to know that he is testing your boundaries to see how far he can get - and when you balk, he pulls back. He offers a little reassurance and he waits because he believes the long game will pay off…

Edited July 26, 2022 by BaileyB

[Allupinnit]

OP are you already sleeping with him? Be honest.

A huge part of affairs is ego.  You: "I must be hot sh*t if he's willing to risk it all for just a few stolen moments with me." Him: "After all these years with kids and marriage, single attractive women still find me attractive, AND I'm able to pull it off!"  I swear these types have bros they brag to about this stuff with.

Because really that's what this is.  People like to say it's love but love is selfless.  Love isn't running around on your wife and kids, it's sacrificial. 

Affairs are about lust, ego, adrenaline, longing, wanting what you can't have, compartmentalization, in fact you could argue that it is the antithesis of love for yourself and those around you.

Edited July 26, 2022 by Allupinnit

[Allupinnit]

Another thing I will point out is that aside from the moral implications of lying and affairs, they are INCREDIBLY isolating for the OW.  She is alone in the relationship for the most part and since she doesn't want to be shamed and embarrassed, she is alone with her thoughts, feelings, loneliness, and longing.  

Which is horrible for your mental health.  

[Amitheotherwoman]

5 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

OP are you already sleeping with him? Be honest.

A huge part of the part of affairs is ego.  You: "I must be hot sh*t if he's willing to risk it all for just a few stolen moments with me." Him: "After all these years with kids and marriage, single attractive women still find me attractive, AND I'm able to pull it off!"  I swear these types have bros they talk to about this stuff with.

Because really that's what this is.  People like to say it's love but love is selfless.  Love isn't running around on your wife and kids, it's sacrificial. 

Affairs are about lust, ego, adrenaline, longing, wanting what you can't have, compartmentalization, in fact you could argue that it is the antithesis of love for yourself and those around you.

No we haven’t spelt together. We met up after 6 days of talking. I had no time but was just desperate to see him so we had a coffee & talked. 
 

i agree with what you’re saying. Tbh I already feel isolated & mentally crap 

[Amitheotherwoman]

4 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Another thing I will point out is that aside from the moral implications of lying and affairs, they are INCREDIBLY isolating for the OW.  She is alone in the relationship for the most part and since she doesn't want to be shamed and embarrassed, she is alone with her thoughts, feelings, loneliness, and longing.  

Which is horrible for your mental health.  

Agree. I feel that already 

[Davina1]

Well don’t let yourself feel any worse by taking it further .  Don’t engage any further 

[Amitheotherwoman]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate all your comments etc. i don’t have his number now & perhaps that will it… he may well rethink it all too whilst we’re having a few days not in touch . 
thanks again  x 

[seapebbles]

10 hours ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I think I love how he makes me feel, when I feel no one else seems to be interested. It makes me feel like I’m someone. God I mean in an awful way does it make me feel worth something that I might be worth the risk? It’s shameful to say that but I’m trying to look at why I’ve gotten here. Maybe that’s part of the allure. Feeling you’re that irresistible. Intelligently I know that’s not the case but I wonder if it adds to the feelings. 

It's not shameful to admit that you're feeling lonely and attraction and attention from a man feels good... It does! But you don't have to act on it. Yes, you are intelligent, attractive, etc enough to attract a married man and for him to want to take the risk of starting an affair with you. But you shouldn't compromise your values for a little external validation from a man to know how great you really are. That should come from internal validation and that's part of what leads to self love. 

Enjoy the ego boost and move on. And if you don't act on it, you can talk to your friends/family about it because you didn't do anything that you feel you need to hide from those close to you. You can focus on what you really want from a relationship and your future. And I really admire the fact that you're turning inward and exploring the Whys of how you got to this place. 

 

Edited July 26, 2022 by seapebbles

[Amitheotherwoman]

2 minutes ago, seapebbles said:

It's not shameful to admit that you're feeling lonely and attraction and attention from a man feels good... It does! But you don't have to act on it. Yes, you are intelligent, attractive, etc enough to attract a married man and for him to want to take the risk of starting an affair with you. But you shouldn't compromise your values for a little external validation from a man to know how great you really are. That should come from internal validation and that's part of what leads to self love. 

Enjoy the ego boost and move on. And if you don't act on it, you can talk to your friends/family about it because you didn't do anything that you feel you need to hide from those close to you. You can focus on what you really want from a relationship and your future. And I really admire the fact that you're turning inward and exploring the Whys of how you got to this place. 

 

Thank you. It’s been like processing it, talking it out here. X

[ExpatInItaly]

I would bet dollars to doughnuts he's done this before. 

He's way too comfortable slipping smoothly into inappropriate contact and then a meet-up with another woman. That, in my mind, speaks to a level of familiarity with infidelity. I realize he's probably told you otherwise, but I would not believe this is his first rodeo. 

 

[Allupinnit]

I fear you won't be able to resist when he reaches out again.  Don't count on him to lose interest or "think things through" - this situation completely serves him and he doesn't care if you get hurt.  

Think of blocking his number as putting on a bullet-proof vest.  You may not need it but just in case, it will save your life.  You can't trust him!!

[BaileyB]

Those who “lose his number” but don’t block are usually leaving themselves open to be contacted… it’s a part of the game. How much does he want this and how good is it going to feel for you when he reaches out next time…

Edited July 26, 2022 by BaileyB

[Amitheotherwoman]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Those who “lose his number” but don’t block are usually leaving themselves open to be contacted… it’s a part of the game. How much does he want this and how good is it going to feel for you when he reaches out next time…

I get what you’re saying. I couldn’t bring myself to. It felt like a big step deleting our conversations.

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I get what you’re saying. I couldn’t bring myself to. It felt like a big step deleting our conversations.

It is a big step. It means you are letting go…

[Will am I]

26 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I get what you’re saying. I couldn’t bring myself to. It felt like a big step deleting our conversations.

Look in your heart. What makes it so difficult?

Your feelings may be stronger than you have wanted to admit to yourself.

And yes, letting go is hard.

[Amitheotherwoman]

8 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Look in your heart. What makes it so difficult?

Your feelings may be stronger than you have wanted to admit to yourself.

And yes, letting go is hard.

My feelings are very strong. I can’t deny that. I suppose that’s why it’s hard but also all the other factors we’ve talked about