I'm becoming the other woman- I know I'm going to get hurt

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

My feelings are very strong. I can’t deny that. 

I would dive into this and ask yourself how that's possible, when you've only been talking again a few week. 

What are these feelings based on, exactly? I think this likely has more to do with feeling flattered and desirable rather than genuine feelings for him as a person. You two haven't had time to scatch the surface of this yet. Be careful that you don't play tricks on yourself and conflate feeling desried with actually falling for this individual. 

 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What are these feelings based on, exactly?

In any (hypothetical) dating situation, if one has texted with a man and met him once and then - he ghosts… How long would it take you to pick yourself up and move on? 

People don’t typically invest emotionally in a man who they have met only a few times, have never actually dated, and don’t really know. 

Edited July 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[Will am I]

14 hours ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

My feelings are very strong. I can’t deny that. I suppose that’s why it’s hard but also all the other factors we’ve talked about 

I think it’s possible that these feelings for MM may have been holding you back from falling for another man. 

Not saying that they have, but it’s very possible that your heart hasn’t been very open.

[Amitheotherwoman]

16 minutes ago, Will am I said:

I think it’s possible that these feelings for MM may have been holding you back from falling for another man. 

Not saying that they have, but it’s very possible that your heart hasn’t been very open.

Maybe it has been guarded and closed but I don’t think that was to do with him. Many many other factors I think 

[Will am I]

15 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

Maybe it has been guarded and closed but I don’t think that was to do with him. Many many other factors I think 

Whatever the cause, something inside may be holding you back. Could be something big, could be something small, could be recent, could be  ancient.

But it has major impact on your life goals, because you would like to enter into a life partnership with a good partner. 

I think the impact is big enough that you should consider talking to a counselor.

[Amitheotherwoman]

7 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Whatever the cause, something inside may be holding you back. Could be something big, could be something small, could be recent, could be  ancient.

But it has major impact on your life goals, because you would like to enter into a life partnership with a good partner. 

I think the impact is big enough that you should consider talking to a counselor.

I’ve seen many many counsellors over the years. I had/have a very difficult relationship with my father which I’m pretty sure most of this stuff stems from. I make much better choices etc now (not this) but I think I’m tired of not having net someone & a two year pandemic in my mid 30s hasn’t helped. I used the lock down very positively but I cannot help feeling sad about where I am & dating us tiring & I don’t want to feel I need someone to complete my life but I do want to meet someone. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I make much better choices etc now (not this) but I think I’m tired of not having net someone in my mid 30s hasn’t helped. I don’t want to feel I need someone to complete my life but I do want to meet someone. 

Right now it's just been one catch up over coffee and texting? That's ok. Perhaps it will inspire you to start dating but with a fresher outlook.

Edited July 27, 2022 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Right now it's just been one catch up over coffee and texting? That's ok. Perhaps it will inspire you to start dating but with a fresher outlook.

Indeed, you have not gone so far down this path that you can not course correct and be all the better for it…

Edited July 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[Allupinnit]

@Amitheotherwoman - I get it.  At 32 years old my fiance broke up with me for a 26-year-old, three months before our wedding.  You could have dug me a grave and dumped the dirt on top of me and I wouldn't have cared.  She also got pregnant shortly after we broke up, they got married and now have a family.  I helped this guy through grad school, we were together for four years.  For several years afterward I was on a destructive path with my pain, having felt replaced so easily and my dreams shattered.  I was promiscuous, drank all the time, got attached to unavailable men, my career suffered.  I was lonely and felt left behind by not only him but all of my friends who were married and had children.  It is so hard in our culture who places these things as the "gold star" life.  

I was 37 when I finally met my very sweet H.  I know you are tired of hearing the "it will happen for you" and just want to feel good right now, and this guy is giving you that.  But having been in your shoes, I can't tell you how much worse this is going to make you feel when he goes home to his wife and children, the things you ultimately want for yourself.  Your mind has probably played the tape forward in the best possible scenario for yourself, which is that you fall in love and end up together.  But the chances of that are slim to none.  Again I get it - the taken ones are alluring because the ones left over out there are usually single for a good reason after a certain age, unfortunately.  But these are the cards we're dealt and it doesn't absolve us of our responsibilities as a good person.  We can't try and cheat the system by going after another woman's cute husband because there are so few choices.  

Don't be that woman.  It is not a good look and you will be suffering in silent agony as your entire mental awareness is consumed by this affair and he gets to live his double life, pitting you unwillingly against his wife.

 

 

[Amitheotherwoman]

25 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

@Amitheotherwoman - I get it.  At 32 years old my fiance broke up with me for a 26-year-old, three months before our wedding.  You could have dug me a grave and dumped the dirt on top of me and I wouldn't have cared.  She also got pregnant shortly after we broke up, they got married and now have a family.  I helped this guy through grad school, we were together for four years.  For several years afterward I was on a destructive path with my pain, having felt replaced so easily and my dreams shattered.  I was promiscuous, drank all the time, got attached to unavailable men, my career suffered.  I was lonely and felt left behind by not only him but all of my friends who were married and had children.  It is so hard in our culture who places these things as the "gold star" life.  

I was 37 when I finally met my very sweet H.  I know you are tired of hearing the "it will happen for you" and just want to feel good right now, and this guy is giving you that.  But having been in your shoes, I can't tell you how much worse this is going to make you feel when he goes home to his wife and children, the things you ultimately want for yourself.  Your mind has probably played the tape forward in the best possible scenario for yourself, which is that you fall in love and end up together.  But the chances of that are slim to none.  Again I get it - the taken ones are alluring because the ones left over out there are usually single for a good reason after a certain age, unfortunately.  But these are the cards we're dealt and it doesn't absolve us of our responsibilities as a good person.  We can't try and cheat the system by going after another woman's cute husband because there are so few choices.  

Don't be that woman.  It is not a good look and you will be suffering in silent agony as your entire mental awareness is consumed by this affair and he gets to live his double life, pitting you unwillingly against his wife.

 

 

Thank you. I really appreciate you sharing that. I know you’re right. 
move not heard from him since Monday. I hope I don’t so I don’t have to find that strength to tell him no more but I know there’s a part that hopes I do. 

[Allupinnit]

1 minute ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

Thank you. I really appreciate you sharing that. I know you’re right. 
move not heard from him since Monday. I hope I don’t so I don’t have to find that strength to tell him no more but I know there’s a part that hopes I do. 

Well just think to yourself what he's busy doing in these days you don't hear from him.

He's not thinking about you.  He's doing school pick-ups, maybe a soccer game, folding laundry with his wife, making dinner, having sex, just going about his life as a married man with a family.  He may reach out when he's got five minutes to himself on the crapper away from his family - that's honestly where you fall in line.  The side chick.

[BrinnM]

16 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

find that strength to tell him no more

I don’t understand the desire to tell him this. Like, why? You don’t owe him an explanation. Just don’t reply. No reply is the best reply. He’ll know. He’ll understand.
Or do you want to start a major discussion with him about how wrong all this is? Or more precisely: how wrong this could or would be?
Remember: Nothing has happened yet. So please leave it at that, and be done with it. I feel like you’re hoping he’ll reach out again, so that you can then pretend you’re “rejecting” him for moral reasons, just for him to convince you otherwise. This is such a silly game and you’ll lose it. If you want “this” (whatever it is, because it’s NOT an affair) to end: Be cool. Be distant. Be unavailable. No words are needed. Words will lead to more words and things will go in circles…….it’s not worth it. 

[Amitheotherwoman]

15 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

I don’t understand the desire to tell him this. Like, why? You don’t owe him an explanation. Just don’t reply. No reply is the best reply. He’ll know. He’ll understand.
Or do you want to start a major discussion with him about how wrong all this is? Or more precisely: how wrong this could or would be?
Remember: Nothing has happened yet. So please leave it at that, and be done with it. I feel like you’re hoping he’ll reach out again, so that you can then pretend you’re “rejecting” him for moral reasons, just for him to convince you otherwise. This is such a silly game and you’ll lose it. If you want “this” (whatever it is, because it’s NOT an affair) to end: Be cool. Be distant. Be unavailable. No words are needed. Words will lead to more words and things will go in circles…….it’s not worth it. 

Ok. God I’ve never not replied to anyone in my life! I would feel like I should explain but I think he’d get it. But you’re right I guess. Or maybe you’re right that I am hoping he persuades me. 
the cold turkeyness of the past 3 days had actually helped. I really hope I don’t hear x

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I hope I don’t so I don’t have to find that strength to tell him no more

No more of what? He hasn’t contacted you in days… if you want to jump back on the drama stage that is your choice or you could just walk out of the auditorium.

Seriously, go live your life. Forget this guy. What’s that old saying - “never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” You are waiting around hoping that he will text again - and no doubt, some day when he’s angry and he’s just had a fight with his wife, or he is waiting to pick his kids up at their sport, or he wants sex and his wife went to bed early… you will hear from him. Is this enough for you? Are you going to answer the call? 

Edited July 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[Amitheotherwoman]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No more of what? He hasn’t contacted you in days… if you want to jump back on the drama stage that is your choice or you could just walk out of the auditorium.

Seriously, go live your life. Forget this guy. What’s that old saying - “never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” You are waiting around hoping that he will text again - and no doubt, some day when he’s angry and he’s just had a fight with his wife, or he is waiting to pick his kids up at their sport, or he wants sex and his wife went to bed early… you will hear from him. Is this enough for you? Are you going to answer the call? 

No more contact. No more anything. 
He warned me on Sunday he would be quiet a few days as had family staying, but now hoping maybe he won’t bother again . 
 

i want off the drama train x

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

i want off the drama train x

 

4 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

He warned me on Sunday he would be quiet a few days as had family staying, but now hoping maybe he won’t bother again.

These two statements are contradictory. 

You are waiting at the station for the next incoming train right now… 

 

[Amitheotherwoman]

23 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

 

These two statements are contradictory. 

You are waiting at the station for the next incoming train right now… 

 

I don’t think they are. I’m answering honestly. I just hope I don’t have to rely on myself. I know it will be easier if I just don’t hear from him. 

[Allupinnit]

You have to make a choice and do the work by blocking his number yourself.  This is you, taking care of yourself.

 

[Amitheotherwoman]

2 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

You have to make a choice and do the work by blocking his number yourself.  This is you, taking care of yourself.

 

Understood but since I deleted his number I can’t block it.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I don’t think they are. I’m answering honestly. I just hope I don’t have to rely on myself.

Do you normally rely on others to make life choices for you? 

[Amitheotherwoman]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you normally rely on others to make life choices for you? 

Probably more than I should.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I don’t think they are.

They are contradictory in that one requires action while the other is passive. 

No more contact. No more anything. I want off the drama train. I’m choosing not to engage or communicate with this man anymore - decisive action. 

I’m just going to sit around a wait to see if he contacts me, which I hope he doesn’t because I don’t have the strength to say no - passive. 

[Amitheotherwoman]

I can’t stop him contacting me. It’s not that I’m sitting around waiting. I am hoping he does not, as I’ve already stated. 
 

im trying to respond as clearly as possible, but even if there are contradictory comments, that’s not to say either is untrue. Life is grey, not black & white.

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I can’t stop him contacting me.

No, you can not.

You do chose whether to answer the phone or respond to the text. 

That’s not grey. That’s black or white. Either you invite this drama into your life or you don’t. 

[Bittersweetie]

I do think there is a tendency for most women to always be "nice." Like even if someone is treating us like doo-doo, we need to be polite and nice about it. Here is the truth: you don't have to be nice when someone is treating you like doo-doo. Like this MM. I mean...he even told you, I will be out of pocket for a bit so that you now know you are not a priority, and that he expects you to wait. You do not have to be nice...you can ignore if he contacts. Or respond with a short "I'm done here." I know the pull...my xMM would be a jerk sometimes and I had this idea that I had to be "fun" and "lowkey" and "nice" so that he saw me as positive in his life, not negative. But doing that just dismantled more of my own self respect and integrity. So please, don't feel like you need to talk to him about all this...you completely have the right to walk away with no explanations. You owe him nothing.