DeedeeMrs Posted July 24, 2022 Share Posted July 24, 2022 More than 1 year ago, we met in her home country on a business trip. After spending a couple of months together we decided to move together in my country because I have my business here. She gave up on everything to move here for me, we made plans for her to get in my company so she starts with a fresh job and have financial stability with me. But things didn't go this way. I work from home and her, instead of working, is wasting time on social media. She had some attempts to help me out, but she was giving up everytime a project didn't work for her, instead of listening to my lead. So, like this I became the sponsor of the relationship, paying for mostly everything, insisting on her to find another job in this case, but things didn't change. All my frustrations started to change my attitude towards her, and having argues almost daily about it. Yesterday we had another fight after she became moody out of nowhere, we slept in separate rooms, and today we barely talked. Today I did the first step and sit next to her to try to talk about our issues. She was ignoring me totally, all time with her eyes on hrler phone. I kindly asked her to pay some attention because we need to talk, but she continued ignoring me. Then I grabbed her phone and I told her I will give it back to her after she listens to me and shows some respect towards me and stops acting like a girl. She became aggressive, by pushing me while trying to get her phone back and she grabbed my hair. Then I managed to move a little a bit further and the moment she approached me again, I slapped her face with my fingers. It was not something painful obviously, but only the gesture makes me feel like an animal. I love her with all my heart, but I need her to grow up an take some responsibility in the relationship and life. Besides this she wants to end the relationship, thing that I don't want to happen. Sorry for the long story, eveb though the story is longer than this, but I need some opinions since I do not know what to do next... Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted July 24, 2022 Share Posted July 24, 2022 Well she seems immature and lazy while you are ambitious and run your own business. That’s just not a good match, I’m sorry. And while nobody who’s sane condones physical violence, I kind of understand how you got triggered by her ignoring you, and how you lashed out as a result of this. I mean - if you are footing her bills for months and she contributes nothing that’s just not fair. Also - you had an agreement, an understanding that she’d work for your company, which is a pretty cool opportunity, me thinks. And she’s just not lifting her weight. It’s disappointing. I would say yeah if she wants to leave you let her go. Because things will not get better. Now she’s gonna hold the “slap” over your head forever, too. And every time you want to discuss something legitimate she’ll say “yeah but you hit me….” - you can’t win here. Sorry 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 24, 2022 Share Posted July 24, 2022 (edited) Think about this logically: It just doesn't make sense that a person would respond to "I want you to stay, but you need to change" While you understandably don't like that she doesn't contribute, it's also understandable that she says "This is who I am. If you don't like it, then I'll leave" And given your physical outburst towards her, she actually SHOULD leave. This relationship is no longer healthy for either of you. Edited July 24, 2022 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 24, 2022 Share Posted July 24, 2022 I agree the relationship is no longer healthy. She is not a child and if she's not listening, just walk away and wait for another time. You do not have the right to grab her phone out of her hand to demand her attention. She grabbed your hair in response and you slapped her. Your fingers are attached to your hand so you slapped her. She needs to move out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 (edited) You have no leverage here because you're the one saying things need to change, but where normally the consequence would be to end the relationship, she has neutralized it by saying she wants out. So you're standing there saying please don't leave me, and here are my demands and expectations. Do you think she's bluffing? She has no good options if she leaves, right? If she knows that you desperately want the relationship, she could be using that. The only real option you have is to call her on it –– take her up on the intention to leave. The only consolation you have is knowing that it's really-really not working out, so you let the chips fall where they may and deal with it. Sorry, sometimes it sucks. Edit: grabbing her phone and slapping her in the face are across the line. It sounds like you have a parent/child dynamic, which isn't going to work. I think it's time to end it. Edited July 25, 2022 by salparadise 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DeedeeMrs Posted July 25, 2022 Author Share Posted July 25, 2022 8 hours ago, salparadise said: You have no leverage here because you're the one saying things need to change, but where normally the consequence would be to end the relationship, she has neutralized it by saying she wants out. So you're standing there saying please don't leave me, and here are my demands and expectations. Do you think she's bluffing? She has no good options if she leaves, right? If she knows that you desperately want the relationship, she could be using that. The only real option you have is to call her on it –– take her up on the intention to leave. The only consolation you have is knowing that it's really-really not working out, so you let the chips fall where they may and deal with it. Sorry, sometimes it sucks. Edit: grabbing her phone and slapping her in the face are across the line. It sounds like you have a parent/child dynamic, which isn't going to work. I think it's time to end it. Yes, she likes to bluff me all the time. In every argue we had, instead of finding a solution with me she was telling me she will go back to her home country. So I was always the one finding the right solution for both of us and make it work. What I know, is that she doesn't want to return to her country, but she will do it if there is no other chance for her to continue the relationship with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 10 hours ago, DeedeeMrs said: I need her to grow up an take some responsibility in the relationship and life. You need to end it before the violence escalates. It's that simple. You have no right to grab her phone. Let her move back to her country. Get some help for your violent tendencies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 End the relationship post haste 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 When conflict in a relationship escalates to this point, it would be best for both of you if you left. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DeedeeMrs Posted July 27, 2022 Author Share Posted July 27, 2022 On 7/25/2022 at 2:10 AM, DeedeeMrs said: More than 1 year ago, we met in her home country on a business trip. After spending a couple of months together we decided to move together in my country because I have my business here. She gave up on everything to move here for me, we made plans for her to get in my company so she starts with a fresh job and have financial stability with me. But things didn't go this way. I work from home and her, instead of working, is wasting time on social media. She had some attempts to help me out, but she was giving up everytime a project didn't work for her, instead of listening to my lead. So, like this I became the sponsor of the relationship, paying for mostly everything, insisting on her to find another job in this case, but things didn't change. All my frustrations started to change my attitude towards her, and having argues almost daily about it. Yesterday we had another fight after she became moody out of nowhere, we slept in separate rooms, and today we barely talked. Today I did the first step and sit next to her to try to talk about our issues. She was ignoring me totally, all time with her eyes on hrler phone. I kindly asked her to pay some attention because we need to talk, but she continued ignoring me. Then I grabbed her phone and I told her I will give it back to her after she listens to me and shows some respect towards me and stops acting like a girl. She became aggressive, by pushing me while trying to get her phone back and she grabbed my hair. Then I managed to move a little a bit further and the moment she approached me again, I slapped her face with my fingers. It was not something painful obviously, but only the gesture makes me feel like an animal. I love her with all my heart, but I need her to grow up an take some responsibility in the relationship and life. Besides this she wants to end the relationship, thing that I don't want to happen. Sorry for the long story, eveb though the story is longer than this, but I need some opinions since I do not know what to do next... Update: We had a long talk, also talked to our parents for personal advices as well. We decided to continue the relationship. She actually started to work with me as planned and the results are great. She even wants to pay the bills now Ending up a relationship for a situation like this means there is not enough commitment in my point of view. So again, communication solved our problem and we are happy with the progress, even if it's only for the moment. I know even though there is big love in the middle there can also be big fights of course, cause not all relationships are perfect. I hope our story will be useful for you wonderful people as well, and no matter what the problem is, think twice before you speak/shout/or even become violent. When you have the opportunity to love and be loved, take care of your relationship because you don't know when you will find the love again. I want to thank everyone for stopping by and leaving a comment! You are all amazing! 😍 Wish you all the best! D. Link to post Share on other sites
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