Anniversary/parent passing

[Tash0]

How would you feel?

Your father passes away and a week after it's your anniversary, almost 30 years together, not married but 2 kids, house, cars etc. Everything except the official marriage. Your anniversary falls on fathers day, your partner doesn't say a word about the anniversary.  Your family has plans for a special lunch together to honor your father, your partner says they don't feel like going. So you go alone with the kids. They still don't say or do anything when you get back or at all. 

If you were the one who's father passed away  would you expect your partner to go with you? Would you be upset they didn't? 

If you were the ithe other partner, would you have gotten your partner a little something to let them know you were thinking of them through this rough time, even a simple card or little bunch of flowers, anything just to let them know you are there for them no matter what. Even a simple test or talk saying you guys will celebrate in a few days/weeks when the other partner is up to it.

Also, how would you feel if you had to go everywhere alone with the kids? They always say no, don't feel like it, headache, any excuse not to go?

Thoughts, please?

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, Tash0 said:

If you were the one who's father passed away  would you expect your partner to go with you? Would you be upset they didn't? 

First, I’m sorry for the loss of your father.

To answer your questions, yea I would expect my partner to go with me. I’m assuming he knew your father, he should be there to support you and out of respect for your father/your family. And yes, I would be damned upset if he didn’t go. 

29 minutes ago, Tash0 said:

Also, how would you feel if you had to go everywhere alone with the kids? They always say no, don't feel like it, headache, any excuse not to go?

I’m not sure if this is indicative of his participation in other household/family activities, but if it is - I would ask myself why I am married to a man who doesn’t participate in family life. 

I’m pretty understanding, I don’t require my partner to attend all family gathering as there are many and it’s not really his thing. That said, there are certain occasions where his presence is expected - same goes for me, he told me of one such gathering this morning while we were preparing to go to another such gathering with my family this afternoon. It’s life - 

Edited July 25, 2022 by BaileyB

[FMW]

Toward the end of my marriage, my mother called to let me know my father was diagnosed with a serious cancer (which led to his death less than 2 years later).  My husband barely even looked up from reading something on the internet on his computer when I told him what the call had been about.  Later, when he realized I was upset he said "well you knew he was probably sick already, didn't you?".  

There had been other issues, not the least of which was infidelity, over our 23 year marriage.  But that incident was one of the final blows that made me realize our marriage was over.  The lack of emotional support and just basic interest in what I was feeling couldn't be ignored anymore.    

You need to look at all his actions and habits (such as not participating in activities with you and your children) and see what kind of picture they present.  We all can be insensitive  or detached at times because of our own mood or what we're dealing with ourselves in that moment.  But if the bigger picture contains things like this on a regular basis, you have to decide what you want to do about it, it's unlikely to change on its own, if at all.