Partner possibly cheating and derailing the convo

[Origin]

Dear LoveShack. There was a time when I came to this forum looking for direction and emotional support. I don’t want to keep coming back here, but I must write to you one more time. 

 

I’m M-38, living with F-29.  We bought a house together in 2019. We have one child together, and she’s about to be 4. She has two boys from her first relationship, 6 and 8. 

 

We never really fought a lot. Our biggest fight was when she wanted to get a neck tattoo, and I didn’t want her to. That would be the only time I can recall that I tried telling her “what to do”. 

 

Anyways. Our relationship hasn’t been rock solid. I realized that some time ago, but my work has been draining that I lost myself. We eventually became roommates because we never did anything for ourselves. And I realize that’s my fault, but her fault also. 

I since have found a new job and started expressing to her that we should start going on dates again. 

 

However. 

 

I’ve never been the type to try and control the other person. I expect that you will do the right thing. 

She’s been going out a lot, especially lately, with her friends. It was during this time I noticed that something felt off to me. 

 

For example. Out of the blue, she removed me as an account manager from our phone bill. It took me 3 days of asking her to put me back so I could see the statement before she finally put me back, and it was because I asked her face to face. 

 

Well, about the 21st, a few days ago, I logged on to our statement and saw that she had been actively talking to a number from Florida since June 24th. At that time, it didn’t occur to me that she traveled to Florida for a bachelorette party for her friend, on the 24th. I knew she went, obviously, but I never registered the date in my brain. 

 

The phone calls start on June 24th and are all over the place. Some conversations are at 2am, 3am, 4am. They last approx 1 to 5 min. One conversation was over 50min, well into 4am. This was the first day she was in Florida. 

 

I found out who the number was and confronted her, asking who’s the person she’s been talking to. 

 

She looked shellshocked to me at first but then started saying that he was an old friend from high school and that he had been in the area for the past 3 weeks, and they exchanged numbers in the bar. She claims they talk nothing but about life and catching up on who did what in life. 

 

I then called the guy, and he told me that he’s been in the area recently because of the job past 3 weeks. That they met in the bar and exchanged numbers. And that he’s going back home soon. He then tells me that they went to the same high school, but they never really knew each other back then. Which contradicts what she told me, saying they were old friends. I didn’t realize it then, but he also contradicted himself, saying they have been talking for the past 3 weeks(confirming what she said), which would put it around June 30th, July 1st. But again. The phone records show June 24th. He also claimed they just talked about life and that she talks about me all the time. Mind you, when I first called him and said who I was, his answer to me was, “oh, she never said she had a bf”. Now there’s a chance she could have told him she was married, but she has no ring, so that wouldn’t make sense to me. I was so hijacked that some of these contradictions didn’t come to me until I talked to friends. 

 

We speak once more when she’s still claiming he’s just a friend, but she said she realizes it’s wrong to talk to another guy late at night after we’ve been together for 5 years. After that point, she tried steering the conversation from him and my questions and was trying to now talk about us and our problems. In other words, I felt she was derailing the conversation. 

I left the house at that time after confronting her once again so I could cool down. 

When I returned home, she took the kids and left for her mom's house. I found that weird. I mean, if my partner accused me of something, and I was innocent, I would certainly stay home and talk to the person again if I could. I wouldn’t leave. But that’s just me, and people are different. I acknowledge that. That night and the next, I stayed home alone while she was at her mom's house. 

 

I texted her, telling her we needed to meet and discuss things. And to ask her mom to watch the kids. I was pretty shocked when she called me later and asked me what will we talk about, or as she put it, “what’s on the agenda so I can prepare”. I mean, idk what your thoughts are if you’re still reading this, but…come on man. Yeah, that made me upset. Like. What do you think I want to talk about?? 

 

By this time, I had managed to put my timeline together. I was planning on pointing out that she’s contradicting herself on things, specifically the timeline that goes back to June 24th, when I can see her first talking to the guy while she’s in Florida. 

 

When we started talking, when I mentioned the timeline being off, she told me that she never said “3 weeks ago” and that she met him in the bar PRIOR to going to Florida. In other words, I felt she was changing her timeline because she realized it didn’t fit. When I pointed out she said 3 weeks ago last time we talked, she said she just made a mistake because I startled her with my question. 

What I found weird about this is that it would put her meeting him around June 22nd. He told me they met here about “3 weeks ago”. So to me, somebody is lying. 

When I told her that he said he never knew her in High School and they just met here, she proceeded to say that they went to different high schools. She then said that she and this guy used to all hang out with a group of people back in the day, doing drugs and that her bf at the time overdosed. When I again pointed out that he said he didn’t know her, she said that maybe he was lying or that he was high when he said that. 

I hope you are still reading this because none of this makes any sense to me. Somebody is lying to me, and the stories aren’t matching up. Or at least that’s what it looks like to me. Constant story changing, and the stories aren’t matching up. 

 

What I wrote above, between those conversations, she consistently tried to bring up issues that she and I have. She made a list of things, or rather a statement that she started reading out while we were trying to have this conversation. Again in my eyes, she was doing everything she could to derail the conversation. 

 

I had to keep separating it and telling her that I realize we have things we need to work on together but that I can’t move forward until we clear my concerns. 

 

In the end, she still is keeping to the same story, what I wrote above, and as I stated, her timeline change is due to being startled. Why she and the guy's story aren’t matching up was attributed to him lying or being on drugs. 

 

I tried calling him back 4 times and sent him a text message. He isn’t responding, so I think the guy wants to be left alone. 

 

I was hoping somebody on the forum would be able to read this from a neutral perspective and tell me if I’m crazy or if I am correct to be suspicious? 

 

I told her I knew she was lying and that it was over. I gave her 2 weeks to tell me the truth, as I’ve put it because I feel I deserve to know it. 

 

If we have any chance of making it thru this, I need her honesty and truth. And I just have a feeling she isn’t entirely truthful. 

 

Please help. 

Edited July 25, 2022 by Origin

[BrinnM]

14 minutes ago, Origin said:

Constant story changing, and the stories aren’t matching up. 

Yeah that’s a big red flag.

She is trying to hide something, obviously, so that means she “did” something she doesn’t want you to know.  And whatever it is that she did (just chatting on the phone, or meeting up in Florida, or kissing, or more) needs to be put out there, on the table, so that you guys can talk about it. I can tell you right now that all the rug sweeping in the world will only make it worse for you. And that’s what she’s trying right now. She’s pulling the wool right over your eyes. It’s a tough one, @Origin. Because she’ll either tell you what’s been going on and for how long, or she’ll try to only tell you as much as she thinks you already know. And both are bad. If she is honest and tells you she slept with him or has been having an affair for a month or more, how do you come back from that, even if she is remorseful? And if she still tries to hide details, hoping you don’t know anything anyway - what’s the point in fixing the relationship? There wouldn’t be a basis for that. You’d never trust her again. I feel for you, that’s a tough one. ☹️ And she ran away to her mother, which is really disappointing. I mean, she obviously already lied, and instead of apologizing, she takes off with the kids. As if you were the culprit here. 
Do you have a date & time scheduled yet for your talk? You better prepare. 

[Origin]

Yes we spoke. When I said she left for her mom, she stayed there for 2 days and I texted her we need to talk. That’s today, and that’s today changing the timeline and everything. 
 

i appreciate your response. 

[BrinnM]

OK so I take it that the discussion didn’t go well. And she didn’t fess up and she didn’t make you feel better and more secure. That’s also bad.

[Origin]

26 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

OK so I take it that the discussion didn’t go well. And she didn’t fess up and she didn’t make you feel better and more secure. That’s also bad.

No it did not. We actually just went at it again. I asked why is his story so off from hers, the time line. Why is it that if they are old friends talking about life from the past, why is he telling me he never knew her back then and they just met because he’s currently in town for the past 3 weeks. I mean he would say something like “yeah, we’re just old friends catching up on life”. But he said actually said and I quote “yeah, we went to same high school but I never really knew her back then”. 

[S2B]

She is lying and covering up.

there’s no sense in chasing her truth! She lied to you and was pursuing another guy behind your back.

be done with her! Not only because she’s treated you terribly - but also because she isn’t willing to OWN her bad behavior and set things right by being honest with you.

Any person who can’t admit their own wrongdoings isn’t worth the time and effort. 

let her stay at her Mom’s place. Do not beg her to come back! You deserve better!

[DKT3]

Its still pretty early in the process,  I don’t think its unusual for her to be lying at this point. He caught her off guard she is clearly guilty and busted so she is stalling until she can come up with something believable.  

 

It would be wise to attempt to get her to put it in writing,  that makes it difficult to alter her story.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Is it possible she's doing drugs again?

[Origin]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is it possible she's doing drugs again?

I really don’t think so. Because she left her first bf, with whom she had 2 kids, because he couldn’t get clean. At least that’s what she told me. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Origin said:

She then said that she and this guy used to all hang out with a group of people back in the day, doing drugs and that her bf at the time overdosed.

There's more to this than friends meeting up. People don't hang out with people who do drugs and hide it for no reason. You may be barking up the wrong tree thinking there's some sort of emotional affair going on. She's hiding something, but you need to find out what.

[Origin]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's more to this than friends meeting up. People don't hang out with people who do drugs and hide it for no reason. You may be barking up the wrong tree thinking there's some sort of emotional affair going on. She's hiding something, but you need to find out what.

That’s a possibility. That’s what she said. But when I spoke to the guy, he said they never hung out back in the day. They just met now. As far as I know, he doesn’t do drugs. I’m only going off what she told me and what he told me, which doesn’t match. 

She’s saying they did drugs back in the day, and he’s saying he never knew her back in the day. It doesn’t match up, in my opinion. 

[mark clemson]

IF drugs were involved, that might be part of the reason for the other guy changing his story and now stonewalling.  Possibly.

It doesn't look good, but - one can also make more out of these things than they actually are. Sometimes.

I think the ask to have her write down exactly what happened when might be a good one in your specific case. You can have her look at the phone records if you wish to help jog her memory as, despite what we believe about ourselves, memory has in fact been shown to be quite poor for most people. That could in theory be part of the issue.

The multitude of phone calls does not look good. Why so many phone calls? Who calls a friend at 3 am?? That sounds like something a teenager or partying 20-something might do, but you are adults with kids. If one of my friends tried to do that it might be the end of our friendship unless they were in some emergency situation. A secret lover (or perhaps a candidate for that) on the other hand might get a pass. I hate to say that, but sorry, it just seems very off.

The staying at her mothers' suggests (to me) brinkmanship on her part WRT to the relationship. "Stop prying or we're over." Also not good. I suspect she will back down from that (but I've been wrong about plenty of things in life.) It's possible, depending on your personality etc, you may not want her back by the time all is said and done.

TL; DR - this does NOT look good, unfortunately.

Edited July 25, 2022 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Origin said:

The phone calls start on June 24th and are all over the place. Some conversations are at 2am, 3am, 4am. They last approx 1 to 5 min. One conversation was over 50min, well into 4am. This was the first day she was in Florida. 

Well this is no answer, VM, no answer VM, no answer VM......then a conversation. Phone companies bill in rounded off minutes.. 

However 4 am calls to her old drug buddies the minute she gets into town may be cheating but all the lies on both their sides doesn't add up. Considering she has recently considered a neck tattoo, it doesn't sound like her wild and crazy days are over yet. Was hooking up involved ? Who knows?

Edited July 25, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Allupinnit]

So she tried to head you off at the pass by removing access to the phone bills firstly, because she knew what you would find.

Now, she's been caught and the guy didn't even know you existed.  How did THAT make you feel?  If they're just old chums catching up, surely you'd have been mentioned as a big part of her life at this point.

Phone calls at 3 and 4am are not to "buddies" dude come on.  That's a booty call.  Now she's running away from the situation entirely because she doesn't want to be drilled anymore and sounds like she's gearing up to try and make it partly your fault with mention of your problems as a couple.

[ ] 

Edited July 26, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Origin]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

So she tried to head you off at the pass by removing access to the phone bills firstly, because she knew what you would find.

Now, she's been caught and the guy didn't even know you existed.  How did THAT make you feel?  If they're just old chums catching up, surely you'd have been mentioned as a big part of her life at this point.

Phone calls at 3 and 4am are not to "buddies" dude come on.  That's a booty call.  Now she's running away from the situation entirely because she doesn't want to be drilled anymore and sounds like she's gearing up to try and make it partly your fault with mention of your problems as a couple.

Neck tattoo?  Three kids and never been married?  I dunno this woman sounds VERY messy.  

I know. And I agree. At this point it would be nice to at least hear it from her, but after tonight’s conversation I don’t think I’ll ever get that. 
 

She said she knows there’s a lot of  evidence that doesn’t match up, and she can’t explain it, but that she didn’t do anything wrong. 
 

I’m doubting anything will change so I told her that on Sunday we can start taking about selling the house. 

[BrinnM]

1 hour ago, Origin said:

She said she knows there’s a lot of  evidence that doesn’t match up, and she can’t explain it, but that she didn’t do anything wrong. 

Yeah, she’s not credible at all. 
 

1 hour ago, Origin said:

I’m doubting anything will change so I told her that on Sunday we can start taking about selling the house. 

Unfortunately, this seems to be the only way to go. 

[Bryanp]

The fact that the guy said: She never said she had a boyfriend tells you everything you need to know.

Sorry.