KiranK Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 Hi there, I need some help. Basically when we were away my husband disclosed that he fancied this girl that I know but not that well. I was quite surprised although I had a feeling that there was some history there. However, he said nothing ever came of it and it was just attraction as their personalities didn't match. She a beautiful girl and I saw he's been liking every post of hers on Instagram. I told him that he shouldn't be liking pictures of her in revealing clothes, which he seems to have stopped. However I saw that he liked a recent picture of her dressed up for a party. She's actually a really nice girl and likes my posts as well and I do hers. But now I just really awkward knowing that he liked her and he's liking her posts. Plus we will probably see her at another event. Although this isn't normally often. Also, I saw that he used to send her snaps before too. I asked if he did now and he said he didn't, which is true. However I saw on his phone that he snapped her after we got married a few months ago now but I haven't told him that I saw this. I feel that's a big no no and we had a discussion on this and he agrees not to send any other girls snaps now, as I don't feel it's appropriate seeing as the pictures disappear afterwards. I feel I should say to him that I know he did previously send this girl one just to see what he says about it.l though even though it was a while back. I don't know if I should just try and get over the likes though or tell him to stop liking any of her pics full stop. But then I don't know if the girl would clock on at all but not that that really matters. She actually has a boyfriend too. Would appreciate some advice. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 Your man seems to have a stray eye. I guess we all do, but this seems to be far more than average. Can you have an open conversation with him, why he feels this constant eed to look at and connect with other women? Link to post Share on other sites
Author KiranK Posted July 25, 2022 Author Share Posted July 25, 2022 I mean I trust him. He just spends a lot of time on social media and to be honest he likes everyone's post. I don't think there's a bad intention behind it. It's just a habit that he needs to work on as I've made him aware how I feel about him liking lots of girls posts. He does listen and I think it's got better. I think part of the issue is the amount of time he spends on his phone in general, which I've been setting boundaries around too. He's working on it, which is all I can ask. It take time though but he is willing at least. I think social media has made liking people's posts, even those we hardly chat to in real life the norm! And if you have a problem with it it's strange. But before social media we wouldn't go up to random girl or guys and say you look good all the time, which is what I equate a like on social media to. As they say you can't help how you feel and I think your partner should respect your boundaries on social media if it makes you upset. I guess I will talk to him about it. I wish I didn't know he liked her. But I do and I don't want to see him liking all her posts on social media now, that doesn't make me feel good and there's just no need. Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 15 minutes ago, KiranK said: It's just a habit that he needs to work on as I've made him aware how I feel about him liking lots of girls posts. He does listen and I think it's got better. I think part of the issue is the amount of time he spends on his phone in general, which I've been setting boundaries around too I'm not sure, maybe these words got through a little bit different than you meant them. But it gives me the shivers. It sounds to me like you're trying act like a mom and not a spouse. The prases in italic seem to reveal a pattern of you telling him what he needs to do. The correct way is to establish your own boundaries and just let him know what you need from him, not what he needs to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 24 minutes ago, KiranK said: He just spends a lot of time on social media and to be honest he likes everyone's post Unfortunately this issue seems chronically unresolved. have you considered marriage therapy to help start the conversation about the cracks in the marriage and trust? Link to post Share on other sites
Author KiranK Posted July 25, 2022 Author Share Posted July 25, 2022 Isn't that the same thing though, as I want is need is what he needs to stop doing. I need him to not spend so much time on his phone and to not like this girls picture. When we discuss it I don't tell him to stop explicitly. I normally tell him how it makes me feel and then he understands where I'm coming from and agrees to stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KiranK Posted July 25, 2022 Author Share Posted July 25, 2022 I'm not sure if we need therapy. It could help but I'm not sure if he feels it's necessary. I don't feel there's a trust issue just a lack of understanding around boundaries on social media once you're married, which is what I think we're working out. I know a lot of girls struggle with the same issue and have to have the same discussion. We mostly have a good marriage. I mean I have my own issues due to previous abandonment trauma, which I think sometimes plays into my securites but I'm working on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 Your needs are clear. You need to feel secure in your marriage, and for that to happen you need from your husband that he stops looking at other women too much. The subtle difference is in the way you communicate your needs to your husband. The good way is to say: "you looking at and interacting with these girls makes me insecure". And you give your husband the freedom on what he will do with your suggestion. Obviously there may be consequences if he decides to simply ignore your needs. The biggest consequence is that he'd ignore you for a long time and at one point you'd be so unhappy in the marriage that you'd walk. The bad way is where you want to control the outcomes more, and become directive in your communication. Then you end up making plans for what your husband is and is not allowed to do on socal media, you end up setting up screen time rules as we do with our teenagers, etc. The problem is that these rules may feel to you as a joint decision but to your husband as you being his mom. You may get compliance, but not commitment. Which is a recipe towards secretive hehaviour behind your back and/or resentment in the longer term. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 The act of asking someone to change their behavior on social media is equivalent to controlling or curtailing their freedom. Does it not exhaust you to be constantly vigilant about your husband's online activities and feel perpetually on edge? Seek to understand. Listening carefully and keeping your reactions in check will help you learn a lot more from this discussion and give you the opportunity to establish whether he is a guilty or an innocent man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 Yes. This. Seek to understand. Something is driving this man to be drawn to these women on social media, maybe a little bit more than other men. What's the deal? Is he insecure, was he hurt as a boy? Are there specific things he likes in these women and that you might copy at home? Much more fruitful and interesting conversation than to be policing his social media use. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 An only occasionally called on "rule" in my marriage is that either one of can ask that *a specific* friend can be nixxed IF that friend is perceived as a threat to the relationship. Not sure you want to take it that far, but it's not (IMO) completely insane to ask this. Certainly people resent being "controlled" and you certainly don't want to increase any resentments he may have. However, the flips side of this is he should be able to take the impact of his interest in this friend on your emotional state into account. He seems to understand this, and yet the issue persists. He went from liking "sexy" pics to liking "classy" pics, but he's still liking her pics and it still bothers you. It seems like you're not going to feel ok until this ends completely. That may be "controlling" but it may, for better or worse, also be necessary for you to feel secure in your marriage. If/when this all comes to a head and assuming it results in minimal problems (beyond what it's already causing) be sure to turn around and be sweet with him. You don't want to let it create a lasting undercurrent of resentment in your marriage (once it's been resolved). Link to post Share on other sites
Author KiranK Posted July 25, 2022 Author Share Posted July 25, 2022 Yes that's true I'm wanting more security in my relationship but it's also about respect. I understand the difference. It's staying more how I feel and then letting him decide what he'll do about it. Then I can decide if I'm happy with that or not. Thank you. Yes I agree. I want to understand the need but he's got a lot of followers as he knows a lot of people and so his feed is full of different people, girls and guys from his past that he doesn't really interact with in real life now. He said he would be happy to unfollow random girls he follows but doesn't talk to anymore. Which would help me, as when I go on their page. It just the standard selfie/sexy poses they post and he's liked them all and I don't see the point of that. I think he likes people's photos so they like his. He doesn't do it with much thought but I can see the negative impact long term on our marriage if he continues to do this. Yes it's defs tiring to be policing. It's causes me anxiety and I feel silly too, as sometimes I think it's not a big deal it's just a photo. But it just affects me so much, I can't help it. I think your right. I need that to help me feel more secure. Hopefully it will all be ok and we can iron it out now and create a good foundation and precedent for the future. Thank you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 5 hours ago, KiranK said: But before social media we wouldn't go up to random girl or guys and say you look good all the time, which is what I equate a like on social media to. this would be the problem. that is absolutely not true. you ever have a friend post "just got diagnosed with cancer" and there are 500 likes on the post? it means it is being acknowledged, it doesn't have to mean "i think you're hot" are you wanting to control if he "likes" any other posts for literally anyone else, or just this one girl now? Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 12 minutes ago, KiranK said: Yes that's true I'm wanting more security in my relationship but it's also about respect. Indeed. It's also clear that you do not respect your husband's choices or him too much either. As such, if you are looking for a relationship that doesn't make you feel as though you have to slog through their social media feeds scanning for signs that they are cheating on you, then perhaps you are searching for someone who doesn't make you feel like you need to slog through their feeds. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 4 hours ago, KiranK said: It could help but I'm not sure if he feels it's necessary. I mean I have my own issues due to previous abandonment trauma, which I think sometimes plays into my securites but I'm working on that. Individual therapy would help with "working on that". When in therapy at least ask if marriage therapy could help start a mature dialogue. If anything policing and fretting isn't helping it's hurting the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KiranK Posted July 25, 2022 Author Share Posted July 25, 2022 No of course, I meant posts where girls just post pics of themselves looking good. It's this one girl in particular but other girls posts too, as it's I feel it's excessive. I do respect him but I think I struggled as I didn't expect certain things. I respect him working on it though and understanding my point of view/feelings. I wouldn't leave him though. I believe in marriage you need to work through things, me included. I can't place all the blame on him. I police as I have a fear of someone leaving me due to abandonment issues but fretting about it doesn't help but it's hard to stop. Maybe I should just let it go and trust in our marriage more. I think I just need some reassurance from time to time. It's something we can talk about and hopefully resolve through establishing boundaries we're both happy with. I'll think about the therapy. Not sure how he'll react though and if we really need it or can manage ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 Certainly, but if you are having trouble with abandonment issues, maybe he is not the right partner for you? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 26, 2022 Share Posted July 26, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, KiranK said: No of course, I meant posts where girls just post pics of themselves looking good. It's this one girl in particular but other girls posts too, as it's I feel it's excessive. I do respect him but I think I struggled as I didn't expect certain things. I respect him working on it though and understanding my point of view/feelings. I wouldn't leave him though. I believe in marriage you need to work through things, me included. I can't place all the blame on him. I police as I have a fear of someone leaving me due to abandonment issues but fretting about it doesn't help but it's hard to stop. Maybe I should just let it go and trust in our marriage more. I think I just need some reassurance from time to time. It's something we can talk about and hopefully resolve through establishing boundaries we're both happy with. I'll think about the therapy. Not sure how he'll react though and if we really need it or can manage ourselves. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to change. Issues or no issues this bothers you so I’d figure out whether you made a mistake marrying this man or settled for his company for the sake of a piece of paper. I do agree with you that long term relationships and marriages take work but not like this. This is obvious disregard and impulsive clicking on his part with almost little to no control or care. Whatever you choose, I’m hoping you find peace. Edited July 26, 2022 by glows 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JRabbit Posted August 10, 2022 Share Posted August 10, 2022 Its not so much the liking of the posts but the actions and mentality behind it. It does show his character. People can say "likes" on SM mean nothing but they just aren't educated enough in these things or understand that yes SM does actually play a part in our lives now and these things do have meaning behind them. Afterall, not all of us are spending time on SM liking pics of hot guys/girls for no reason. The fact he won't stop and in the same breath it means nothing to him, I mean if it really means nothing then get off instagram. I can't imagine choosing liking posts on instagram over the love of my life. Actions speak and we need to listen. Link to post Share on other sites
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