I don't know what to think.

[Matt38]

Well this might be lengthy but I guess I feel it’s necessary for context. Over seven years ago I met a beautiful woman. She was shy, kind, and respectful. I was interested the moment I met her. We dated for over a half a year before we had our first heart to heart conversation. She was sad because she was spending so much time with me that she felt she was neglecting her animals.

She is a huge cat and now dog lover. She didn’t want to move in with me because she couldn’t contribute financially. I was not concerned about that and wanted to make my house a home. I asked her to move in. She was reluctant to put her things out and hang her things on the wall. I helped her pick places out for things and hung up and placed everything where we agreed it should go. The house was finally a home. It took a while on my part to stop calling it my house, but did come around to calling it the house or our house.

Years went by fast. During that time when she was sad or upset, I could never get her to talk. It was a rare occasion for her to express emotions around me. I also can have issues with that, but when I would, I was not greeted with comfort or affection. Usually just some therapist response.

Eventually I was hurt that she would not open up or be supportive in an emotional way. As more time went on she was more distant, and I got more distant. I guess I assumed this is just how she operated and I would have to be understanding to it and get used to it. We never argued. Always talked out decisions such as paint colors or furniture and decorations. We always seemed to agree or compromise really well with no one feeling shorted or unheard.

After over seven years she sat down and said that she felt I was unhappy. That I felt she was stupid and we had nothing in common. I was hurt and shocked. We had a good conversation. I was happy she finally opened up. I felt good, like we were getting somewhere. A little over a week later she was back to being closed off. She sat down and said she was unhappy but couldn’t tell me why. I was frustrated and devastated.

I suggested that she take some space to relax and clear her thoughts. You see, knowing her as well as I do, she would stress clean and occupy herself with any task she could to avoid dealing with her feelings or things that were bothering her. She would honestly admit to this. She took my act of kindness and twisted it into me throwing her out. I explained that was not the case and why I felt it was best she take some time to herself.

She even agreed that I was right and she would continue to do things to prevent dealing with her feelings, but still couldn’t talk to me about what was wrong. I went to bed. The next morning she had some things packed and went to stay at her moms. Two weeks later, she said she was done. Never wanted to live in our home again. Didn’t want to be with me anymore. I asked why. She said little things built up and she never knew how to talk to me about it and now she was checked out. That we were too far apart for anything to work.

A week after she let me know she got an apartment and would have her own place in September. Changed her mailing address. And is coming with a truck to take all of her belongings this weekend. She will be back to take our cats and one of our dogs at the beginning of September. If I don’t reach out, she always reaches out after three days with random text messages. She always answers if I reach out, call or text. She will have friendly conversation, but her whole demeanor changes at the hint of having to talk about feelings or the relationship.

I’ve explained how I feel, and have explained what I could about what little she mentioned about the relationship which was two things. That when I was upset or frustrated I would raise my voice. She agreed it was never at her, but it bothered her that I got upset over things she thought were trivial (most guys would agree when you are working on a house project or a car it gets frustrating and there can be some swearing at inanimate objects to get the frustration out). The second was that she never felt like our home was never her home. That everything I did was to appease her. I am lost.

For a couple that may not have been connected on a highly emotional level like I would have liked, but always got along and to this day show no hate or ill will, I don’t understand why she has run so fast and so hard. I’m standing in the dust, with a woman who now has a wall built up, and has walked away. I can see that she is struggling internally, but refuses to even have a conversation about what is going on. I get that she feels hurt, as do I, but I’m still not being told fully why she is hurt.  

She is surprised that I am being understanding and kind to her during this turmoil and I don’t understand why she would expect different. I feel after over seven years, she has no clue who I am or seen how I’ve grown over the years. Now, I am debating on what to do. I feel it’s best I part ways letter her know if she ever wants to actually talk, that I am here, but until that day comes, it’s best we don’t speak. It’s getting too difficult to handle. And I know it’s not doing me any good staying in touch, and I doubt it’s doing her any good as well. I strongly feel my continuing to be in her life allows her to do what she does best: avoid her feelings and what is actually going on. 

Edited July 26, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[S2B]

Why would you keep in touch with her? It’s not working. She has terrible communication skills. 
 

why would you keep wasting time on someone who isn’t capable of a healthy relationship by simply communicating?

[glows]

33 minutes ago, Matt38 said:

That when I was upset or frustrated I would raise my voice. She agreed it was never at her, but it bothered her that I got upset over things she thought were trivial (most guys would agree when you are working on a house project or a car it gets frustrating and there can be some swearing at inanimate objects to get the frustration out). The second was that she never felt like our home was never her home. 

It doesn’t really matter that it wasn’t directed at her. One of the things I disliked most, even hated, about my ex-spouse was his aggression towards things that wouldn’t go his way. He would swear and scream at other drivers and lose his temper calling people names. His first reaction to anything not going his way was anger and often I’d be the one listening to it so indirectly I absorbed his anger and he didn’t care. It was a childish temper that was so useless and irritating over time. His negativity was sickening because it didn’t solve any problems. It created more. 

Second, she wasn’t contributing financially so what was she doing for all these years? Was she unemployed the whole time? I’m curious to know where you met her. 

It doesn’t sound like she was 100% invested in this like you were from the start and it seems rushed and unplanned having her move in. If you have other details and context it might help. I’m sorry for the break up. Don’t stay in contact. I’m sensing she does care about you but she is not in love with you. Move on. 

[Matt38]

She has a ton of good qualities. Honestly. I think the real problem is that I feel a conversation would go a long way, something that isn’t that hard, to get things in a better direction and it’s hard to believe that someone would avoid something so simple. 

[Matt38]

I have learned that my ridiculous temper was a waste of time and energy. Unfortunately it was part of my everyday life growing up. It was very common for that type of behavior in my life with family, even friends. It’s not something I ever thought about until she pointed it out. Seems like a silly excuse I know. I’m in therapy working out the issues. I guess I thought it was somewhat normal. She did eventually start contributing financially when she got a better job around three years in.  Groceries and two utility bills a month along with pet stuff. Plus we split the cost of furniture and stuff like that. I didn’t expect it of her nor did I ask for it, but I appreciated it. I never wanted her to feel I wanted her there for money and it never bothered me. I thought I was being nice and caring. 

Edited July 26, 2022 by Matt38
Fix

[glows]

4 minutes ago, Matt38 said:

I have learned that my ridiculous temper was a waste of energy. Unfortunately it was part of my everyday life growing up. It was very common for that type of behavior in my life with family, even friends. It’s not something I ever thought about until she pointed it out. Seems like a silly excuse I know. I guess I thought it was somewhat normal. She did eventually start contributing financially. Groceries and two utility bills a month along with pet stuff. Plus we always split the cost of furniture and stuff like that. Three years in when she got a better job she did kick in. I just didn’t expect it of her nor did I ask for it, but I appreciated it. I never wanted her to feel I wanted her there for money. 

That seems generous and also leaving you open to those who take advantage. That closure has to come from you after the break up.

It reads more to me that this is over and the slow fade and communication after her leaving isn’t uncommon after a break up. Best to have no contact to heal and move forward. If she has mental health issues untreated as well that’s for her to do some work… You can only improve yourself so you’re a better person for you and for your future partner. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, it sounds like she was never truly on board here. 

She was reluctant to move in with you, uncomfortable merging her world with yours. She has been closed off and avoiding talking about her feelings. What I see is a relationship in which the investement was lopsided, with you being much more into it than her. I sense that if she had been more open about her feelings, you would have been hurt to learn that truth. She seems to have been dogding it because she knew it would blow this up, and she didn't have the courage yet to stick a tack in the balloon. 

But now it's met what I think was its inevitable end. When you meet resistance from someone early on, it's unlikely to go well in the future. Take that lesson moving forward and when you heal, you will be equipped to find a woman who's just as enthusiastic about you. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Matt38 said:

 Changed her mailing address. And is coming with a truck to take all of her belongings this weekend. She will be back to take our cats and one of our dogs at the beginning of September. 

Sorry this happened. However cursing at her and having her as a boarder for years on end did not seem to be working. It was never "our house". She wasn't on the deed and you weren't married.

It's good she made her own arrangements to move, change of address etc . It sounds like she's being responsible about her departure, except leaving her pets behind but she is coming for them as soon as she can.

Once the details and practicalities of moving out are squared away, there's no reason to stay in touch . Moving out is the end of a relationship, not a variation of it. It was just limping along in limbo for years and years. Now you're both finally free of that.

[Acacia98]

12 hours ago, Matt38 said:

I feel it’s best I part ways letter her know if she ever wants to actually talk, that I am here, but until that day comes, it’s best we don’t speak. It’s getting too difficult to handle. And I know it’s not doing me any good staying in touch, and I doubt it’s doing her any good as well. I strongly feel my continuing to be in her life allows her to do what she does best: avoid her feelings and what is actually going on. 

You're right. You would do well to go no contact. It will give you the room you need to grieve the relationship and ultimately move on.