I wanted more, he wasn't ready - I need to let go

[LetGoOfHim]

My boyfriend of almost 3 years and I broke up 6 weeks ago.  We've been completely no contact for 4 weeks today. We had been friends for 9 years prior to dating so known each other now for 12 years.  I wanted more, he wasn't ready, doesn’t know when he'll be ready etc. I feel like if you don't know you want to be with someone after almost 3 years together,  then you don't...  But I also didn't feel I was a priority in his life and there are multiple times when I needed him and he should have been there for me but wasn't.  He was bringing me down.  I didn't want to text back when he'd text me lovey things.  I really didn't want to have conversations with him because he wouldn't ever discuss a future with me.  He was getting on my nerves at times.  I loved him.  I loved him like I haven't ever loved anyone else before.  He has 2 boys who I loved and treated as my own.  But I know I want and deserve more than what he was willing to give me and it was time to move on.  This breakup happened over the phone.   He wouldn't ever talk to me and finally when I said something about it, he burst into tears telling me he isn't ready, how he hoped he wasn't making a mistake etc.  I on the other hand didn't shed a tear.  My heart was racing but I guess I already knew what was coming.  Since then however, I have been a hot mess.  I don't have the desire to reach out to him but...  I want him to reach out to me.  I feel like it's getting worse as time goes by, not better.  Let me add that my dad unexpectedly passed away in January and I have been taking care of my mother and not able to grieve this either so that has been triggered as well.  Most days I feel like I'm falling apart and it takes everything I have to keep going.  I'm typically a really strong person and I have been thru a lot in my life.  I am in counseling, I have great friends who I've been talking to, I'm Journaling and posting in forums.  How do I let this go.  I'm so over being upset and wishing he'd come back.  I know I deserve more.  

[glows]

I am sorry for the loss of your father. Do you feel counselling is helping? 

You did the right thing letting go of someone who doesn't see a future with you and is only coasting along, or taking you forgranted. It's cliche but healing takes time. 

[LetGoOfHim]

25 minutes ago, glows said:

I am sorry for the loss of your father. Do you feel counselling is helping? 

You did the right thing letting go of someone who doesn't see a future with you and is only coasting along, or taking you forgranted. It's cliche but healing takes time. 

Thank you..   

 

I've had 3 counseling sessions, next is this week.  It helps to get it out and talk to someone, yes.  She keeps telling me I have to grieve, both my dad and the relationship.   Most sessions I just cry the entire time.  So how much is it really helping me, I don't know but it does give me an opportunity to really get things out and that does help. 

[glows]

It's good that counselling is helping for you. I felt it was helpful when I was dealing with death or loss of a loved one also.

For some reason I didn't think it was helpful with a break up. Maybe I had other things to do. Healing was a very dull process for me. I worked on work, worked on projects in the house and watched a tremendous amount of movies. Considering I separated at the start of the pandemic and divorced during the pandemic, a lot of things felt numb at the time and my options were limited. I couldn't see friends as much and I was in the middle of an intense graduate program I'd enrolled in already a year before and was completing. Everyone is a little different and it does take time. 

Personally, when I'm not feeling well I like turning to something else for inspiration, to turn my mind off for some time and pause. I work through things in my own time and don't like being rushed. I don't know what helps for you but find something you can immerse yourself in. It helped me get through the tougher days. When I look back I'm not sure how I did what I did but I think I did ok, not perfect or great all the time but ok. A lot of those days did feel like I was hanging by a thread like you but you are probably doing all right so hang in there. Write if it helps and keep posting.

[flitzanu]

you dumped him because he wasn't offering you a future, and he wasn't making you a priority in life, and realizing you deserved more, you left him.

and now you want him to reach out to you, after you dumped him, "offering you more" which is literally the reason you dumped him?

[LetGoOfHim]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

you dumped him because he wasn't offering you a future, and he wasn't making you a priority in life, and realizing you deserved more, you left him.

and now you want him to reach out to you, after you dumped him, "offering you more" which is literally the reason you dumped him?

This is what I'm struggling with.  🤦🏼‍♀️ I know I deserve better. I guess I just want him to wake up and see my worth maybe?!?!  I know I need to move on.  But it's tearing me apart.  That's why I'm here for advice on how to help me thru it.  

[LetGoOfHim]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

you dumped him because he wasn't offering you a future, and he wasn't making you a priority in life, and realizing you deserved more, you left him.

and now you want him to reach out to you, after you dumped him, "offering you more" which is literally the reason you dumped him?

And I wouldn't really say I dumped him. I had previously told him if he didn't want to plan a future with me, then he needed to let me go.  Neither of us said we were done that night....  it was like it was just assumed.  I had dropped off his father's day gifts when he was not there and he text me to thank me.  Then I dropped off his Griddle and some other things, again when he wasn't there and he text me again thanking me and we haven't spoken since. That was 4 weeks ago today.  

[lonelyplanetmoon]

9 hours ago, LetGoOfHim said:

Thank you..   

 

I've had 3 counseling sessions, next is this week.  It helps to get it out and talk to someone, yes.  She keeps telling me I have to grieve, both my dad and the relationship.   Most sessions I just cry the entire time.  So how much is it really helping me, I don't know but it does give me an opportunity to really get things out and that does help. 

I also went to counseling after a painful breakup and well, that is exactly what I did.  I cried every session until I let it all out and had nothing left to cry about.  For me I was not crying over my ex or the relationship, I cried because all my life I held in all my emotions.  It was the first time I allowed myself to feel.  So yeah, the crying was not so much about pain but was more about letting go of everything that was knotted inside of me.  The break up was the trigger but it was not the main driver of my emotions.  It was interesting to find that out during my sessions.

[Silver_star]

I have been in this situation. Head over heels in love and wanting a future with someone who did show me affection, and love in many ways in our relationship but did NOT know if they would ever be ready for real commitment, and could not discuss or plan a future with me. That was a very painful experience. I learned that love is not enough in relationships. You need to feel safe, you need to feel assured that you are in it together. When they say they cannot see a future with you they are telling you the truth. It has nothing to do with you and your value and everything to do with his capacity to allow himself to be in a loving long term relationship in which there is no certain end date. It is sad, and your heart will tell you to stay and wait until he becomes able to see a future, but that is a waste of your time, and your value. You want and need things in a relationship that he cannot give you, and you deserve those things.  I may have stayed longer as well, but a big life change (him getting a job in another state) forced me to see the reality of the situation. He did not invite me to come. He did not talk about HOW the future would look. He just suggested I wait around and see what happens. That is one sided. That is unfair. After that I walked away, and about 3 months later he came to town because he felt guilty and did not want me to hate him, and wanted to see me. I did not know then it would be the last time. We hugged and I gave him some of his things but we did not see each other since then (that was 3 years ago). 

Part of my heart never let go of him because I felt like our bond was strong when we were together, but I learned that people experience love differently. It's not like it did not happen for him, but he was not in the right mindset to experience love the same way you were. Also before I think of ever reaching out I remind myself he is not doing anything about me being out of his life...and he is reinforcing the message that my absence from his life is okay by him. He was not ready, and doesn't know if he ever will be, and it's not because of you. 

Hugs to you. 

[LetGoOfHim]

7 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

I also went to counseling after a painful breakup and well, that is exactly what I did.  I cried every session until I let it all out and had nothing left to cry about.  For me I was not crying over my ex or the relationship, I cried because all my life I held in all my emotions.  It was the first time I allowed myself to feel.  So yeah, the crying was not so much about pain but was more about letting go of everything that was knotted inside of me.  The break up was the trigger but it was not the main driver of my emotions.  It was interesting to find that out during my sessions.

This is so much me.  I'm always strong and likely haven't grieved from multiple events that have taken place in my life.  

[LetGoOfHim]

5 hours ago, Silver_star said:

I have been in this situation. Head over heels in love and wanting a future with someone who did show me affection, and love in many ways in our relationship but did NOT know if they would ever be ready for real commitment, and could not discuss or plan a future with me. That was a very painful experience. I learned that love is not enough in relationships. You need to feel safe, you need to feel assured that you are in it together. When they say they cannot see a future with you they are telling you the truth. It has nothing to do with you and your value and everything to do with his capacity to allow himself to be in a loving long term relationship in which there is no certain end date. It is sad, and your heart will tell you to stay and wait until he becomes able to see a future, but that is a waste of your time, and your value. You want and need things in a relationship that he cannot give you, and you deserve those things.  I may have stayed longer as well, but a big life change (him getting a job in another state) forced me to see the reality of the situation. He did not invite me to come. He did not talk about HOW the future would look. He just suggested I wait around and see what happens. That is one sided. That is unfair. After that I walked away, and about 3 months later he came to town because he felt guilty and did not want me to hate him, and wanted to see me. I did not know then it would be the last time. We hugged and I gave him some of his things but we did not see each other since then (that was 3 years ago). 

Part of my heart never let go of him because I felt like our bond was strong when we were together, but I learned that people experience love differently. It's not like it did not happen for him, but he was not in the right mindset to experience love the same way you were. Also before I think of ever reaching out I remind myself he is not doing anything about me being out of his life...and he is reinforcing the message that my absence from his life is okay by him. He was not ready, and doesn't know if he ever will be, and it's not because of you. 

Hugs to you. 

Thank you.  I don't feel the need to reach out to him and won't.  I know I deserve what I want and know my worth.  Just really hurts when someone you love so much doesn't love you the same and I wasted almost 3 years of my life thinking he was the one and we had a future together.   Silly me....  

[Silver_star]

It's good that you know that. Never feel silly for having loved someone and wanting a future with them. It means you have the capacity to love deeply and want to work towards a healthy secure attachment. 

[flitzanu]

22 hours ago, LetGoOfHim said:

This is what I'm struggling with.  🤦🏼‍♀️ I know I deserve better. I guess I just want him to wake up and see my worth maybe?!?!  I know I need to move on.  But it's tearing me apart.  That's why I'm here for advice on how to help me thru it.  

just try to see that you LITERALLY dumped him for the same way he is still "treating" you, which is that you don't exist.  that means your decision was the right one, that you were right to walk away because he is hardly acknowledging you exist, and that's not how you should be treated.

[glows]

7 hours ago, LetGoOfHim said:

Thank you.  I don't feel the need to reach out to him and won't.  I know I deserve what I want and know my worth.  Just really hurts when someone you love so much doesn't love you the same and I wasted almost 3 years of my life thinking he was the one and we had a future together.   Silly me....  

It sounds like you wanted more commitment after three years and the level it was at wasn't what you were happy with. You did the right thing. Just move on and as you say, don't stay in contact. Trust your instincts. You didn't feel like a priority and it seems he stonewalled or shut you out towards the end. I'm referring to "he wouldn't ever talk to me" comment. 

 

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, LetGoOfHim said:

Just really hurts when someone you love so much doesn't love you the same and I wasted almost 3 years of my life thinking he was the one and we had a future together.   Silly me....  

Well you did the right thing by ending it and a great lesson.  Don't ever go pass the 6 month mark without getting a clear understanding of where the relationship is headed so you don't waste your precious time.

[Hatelove_1]

Literally going through the same situation after 2.5 years. Mentally draining to be honest. I’m tired of not being prioritized, and being stonewalled. I much rather someone tell me to my face they don’t want to be with me. I have just blocked everywhere without saying much as every time I “speak out”  he claims I’m stressing him out and pushing him away. Ne er enough to leave me alone for good though so I decided to shut the door myself. I deserve better. 

[LetGoOfHim]

2 hours ago, Hatelove_1 said:

Literally going through the same situation after 2.5 years. Mentally draining to be honest. I’m tired of not being prioritized, and being stonewalled. I much rather someone tell me to my face they don’t want to be with me. I have just blocked everywhere without saying much as every time I “speak out”  he claims I’m stressing him out and pushing him away. Ne er enough to leave me alone for good though so I decided to shut the door myself. I deserve better. 

I was so drained.  I'm doing better after almost 7 weeks broken up and 5 weeks n/c.  It still hurts, it still sucks, I still think about him more than I want but it's getting better.  I'm still in counseling, Journaling, reading self help books, posting on forums etc.  You absolutely deserve better.  My guy didn't necessarily treat me bad but he didn't treat me how someone in a committed relationship should treat their significant other.  We deserve to be a priority. We deserve to hear the truth of how they feel about commitment etc.  My guy admitted he was being selfish by not telling me because he didn't want to lose me but wasn't willing to commit either....  so here we are.  Hang in there.  Feel free to reach out anytime if you need to talk of find information helping me thru.  

[R22X]

Good morning,

I am sorry to hear that you are hurting.

I am in a similar situation and I wish I would take my own advice which is - ACCEPTANCE.

Once we accept that this person doesn't want us, our memories are just memories, that we love that person but cannot be with that person, that we can be happy without them and believe we will find better, once we ACCEPT this - we have moved on.

Let it go and be free darling x

[LetGoOfHim]

34 minutes ago, Rachel22 said:

Good morning,

I am sorry to hear that you are hurting.

I am in a similar situation and I wish I would take my own advice which is - ACCEPTANCE.

Once we accept that this person doesn't want us, our memories are just memories, that we love that person but cannot be with that person, that we can be happy without them and believe we will find better, once we ACCEPT this - we have moved on.

Let it go and be free darling x

Thank you.  I'm now at 10 weeks post break up and 8 weeks complete no contact.  I'm doing much better.  I don't want him to reach out anymore and have pretty much accepted the fact it's over, done, never again.  I'm moving forward with my life without him.  I just wish I wouldn't think about him but it's become lesser and lesser with time.  

Good luck to you.  

[R22X]

6 minutes ago, LetGoOfHim said:

Thank you.  I'm now at 10 weeks post break up and 8 weeks complete no contact.  I'm doing much better.  I don't want him to reach out anymore and have pretty much accepted the fact it's over, done, never again.  I'm moving forward with my life without him.  I just wish I wouldn't think about him but it's become lesser and lesser with time.  

Good luck to you.  

well done you! I am on 5 weeks ha ha  you will think about him for a long time, I find my self looking at videos and happy holiday photos. Why do us humans torture ourselves I do not know. I guess to heal, we have to feel don't we. 

[LetGoOfHim]

52 minutes ago, Rachel22 said:

well done you! I am on 5 weeks ha ha  you will think about him for a long time, I find my self looking at videos and happy holiday photos. Why do us humans torture ourselves I do not know. I guess to heal, we have to feel don't we. 

I wouldn't let myself do any of that.  I unfollowed him on social media and eventually blocked him.  I deleted all of our conversations via text and messenger and told Google not to show me any memories with him.  I blocked him on Venmo.  It's made it so much easier.  I saw he had changed a picture on Venmo and made my heart race.  So it has been easier to not see anything like that.  

 

I am in counseling every other week.  I'm Journaling, although it's slowed down.  I've been reading books on how to let go and move on etc (and I don't read).  Talking with friends, posting here. I have over 700 quotes saved about what I deserve and my worth.  It's taken me this long to get here but I've gone since Friday without crying. I don't miss him or his kids.  I miss just having someone but I was good single for 2 years before him and I will be good again.  Even though I wanted it to happen faster, everyone is right when they say it just takes time. 

Get all of those pictures and videos out of your system and start moving on.  

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, LetGoOfHim said:

I deleted all of our conversations via text and messenger and told Google not to show me any memories with him. 

That's a great start. Go through All your devices, social media, messaging apps and contact lists and Delete and Block him from all of them, that way he won't keep popping up .

[stillafool]

You're doing great OP.  Keep up the good work.