Ghosting

[kleaners]

23 hours ago, Alvi said:

OP, I am curious about how you deal with this satiation? Let's say you've sent few messages to a woman, she send few texts back. It is obvious that she is interested in you or at least somewhat curious. But maybe you re-read her profile and found something that something that would make the two of you incompatible. Or based on a conversation, you don't think that the two of you would be a good match. Or something about her that makes you uneasy for whatever reason. How would you handle this? Would you send her a lengthy message, explaining that you don't think that the two of you are a good match, wishing her all the best, blah, blah, blah. Let's say, she is a heavy smoker and you are allergic to a smoke. The incompatibility is obvious in this particular case. But would you actually say to her "I would love dating you only if you stopped smoking." Or do you just stop talking to her? The first method works but it is cruel in some cases. Sometimes it is better to stop the convo by disappearing rather than provide a lengthy explanation, which might hurt another person, especially if you've never met in the person.

Yes, this is a million times true. Once I told a guy that I don't think that we are a good match after exchanging few messes with him. He called me every single name in the book. And that's not all. He actually went into a trouble by creating additional profiles,  and continued stalking and insulting me. I really think that guy is somehow messed up in his head and boy oh boy did I dodge a bullet there. That went on for about a year till it finally stopped. I would report him, he would create another profile. He actually blamed me for his profiles getting deleted, lol. I think I would have avoided all that had I blocked him. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that you never know what kind of can of worms you are going to open when you politely reject someone. 

Unfortunately I really haven't found myself in a situation where I've had the opportunity to initiate that conversation, but I have met women and after a date we've mutually agreed there was no chemistry and parted ways. No animosity on either side. That being said, perhaps in some instance I'm guilty of my own pet peeve? For some reason most of the women I strike up a conversation with, I'm the one leading the conversation; asking all the questions. I'm the one waking up and saying good morning, etc. At some point I just stop messaging because I'm waiting for the other person to take some initiative. The lack thereof just shows they're not interested, so in a way I don't think there's a need to say anything at all.

[kleaners]

22 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

Are you Gen X, Y or Z? There's a guy on YouTube that I've been watching a lot, Wheat Waffles is his channel, you should watch some of his videos. I'm Gen Y and a lot of his videos make sense and the reason why I recently got off dating apps. It's a numbers game. Woman today are dating up now. Meaning woman who are 4's and 5's out of 10 are now looking for 7's and 8's out of 10, which means in return males are likely forced to date down. You didn't do or haven't done anything wrong, it's just some other male who has a "higher number" than you came along. It sucks, but that's how it is today and it's our (males) fault. 

I've been ghosted and I'm also guilty of it, too. My reasons weren't because a high number came along, it's mainly because of something they said and/or hid from their profile. I was actually texting and talking with one girl for a couple months. We had two dates planned but she backed out of both, with reasonable reasons. We planned a 3rd date and two days before our date she texted me that she apologizes but her and her ex are going to try and get back together.

Most females on these dating apps are just looking for an ego boost, or add to the ego they already have. Which again, is our fault. Just look at any popular female "influencer" that is sub average to below average, and look how many comments, likes and other social media false hope she gets from males. Haven't you also noticed all the ones who put their IG names in their profiles? On Tinder, it's just about every other profile from an average to above average female. Not as bad on Bumble but it's still more times than none. Hinge seems to be about 50/50. It's mainly for boosting egos and validation. 

The one ghost that I took the hardest was a few months ago. Met on Bumble, went right into some good conversation as soon as we matched. Sounded like we were both on the same page. She asked me a few times if I was really single because she wanted to make sure. I've been single for a year then, she's been single for 5 years. The day after we matched, she asked me to come out and meet her. So I did and it went really good. When I got home, she texted me on Bumble that she had a great time and she wants to do it again and possibly tomorrow. I said sure. We never exchanged numbers but she said she doesn't do it right away but the next morning I went on Bumble and she deleted her profile. Still can't wrap my head around that one but I learned to just let it go. 

I highly recommend watching some of Wheat Waffles videos on YouTube.     

I'm Gen X. Thanks for the recommendation. I'll keep it in mind.
I put my Instagram and Snapchat handles in my profiles - moreso because I know better than the waste my money on these sites.

[Wiseman2]

On 7/29/2022 at 2:02 AM, kleaners said:

I put my Instagram and Snapchat handles in my profiles - moreso because I know better than the waste my money on these sites.

Unfortunately, that looks like scamming, advertising or at best lazy. Just message who you are interested in.

[ ] 

Edited July 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[glows]

5 hours ago, kleaners said:

Unfortunately I really haven't found myself in a situation where I've had the opportunity to initiate that conversation, but I have met women and after a date we've mutually agreed there was no chemistry and parted ways. No animosity on either side. That being said, perhaps in some instance I'm guilty of my own pet peeve? For some reason most of the women I strike up a conversation with, I'm the one leading the conversation; asking all the questions. I'm the one waking up and saying good morning, etc. At some point I just stop messaging because I'm waiting for the other person to take some initiative. The lack thereof just shows they're not interested, so in a way I don't think there's a need to say anything at all.

Be patient and screen better then for a potential partner who is more compatible with you. If you sense someone doesn't pull their weight or reciprocate as much, let go and don't spend too much time dwelling on it. It takes away time and energy you could be using to meet other individuals. Just simply shift gears and stop paying attention and move on to someone else who does seem more of a match.

[kleaners]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Be patient and screen better then for a potential partner who is more compatible with you. If you sense someone doesn't pull their weight or reciprocate as much, let go and don't spend too much time dwelling on it. It takes away time and energy you could be using to meet other individuals. Just simply shift gears and stop paying attention and move on to someone else who does seem more of a match.

Thanks. I do try to do that. It just makes me feel so defeated sometimes. I connected with someone earlier today and we've talked on the phone three times today. There seems to be potential there. I definitely won't hesitate to ask her out in person.

[Weezy1973]

One of my main takeaways from online dating is to not get caught up in the early stages. You need to get to a place where you don’t care if someone ghosts. Because honestly, it doesn’t matter. It’s always the same reason. The two of you weren’t compatible. It takes two to tango and if she’s not interested, not a match. Next.  Putting so much emotional energy into people you haven’t even met, or only met once or twice will burn you out. 

[kleaners]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

One of my main takeaways from online dating is to not get caught up in the early stages. You need to get to a place where you don’t care if someone ghosts. Because honestly, it doesn’t matter. It’s always the same reason. The two of you weren’t compatible. It takes two to tango and if she’s not interested, not a match. Next.  Putting so much emotional energy into people you haven’t even met, or only met once or twice will burn you out. 

Yeah. I know and I'm trying to react better. Still frustrating nonetheless.

[Alvi]

5 hours ago, kleaners said:

Thanks. I do try to do that. It just makes me feel so defeated sometimes. I connected with someone earlier today and we've talked on the phone three times today. There seems to be potential there. I definitely won't hesitate to ask her out in person.

Talking three times on a phone in one day with someone you've never met is excessive. Most people are busy for never ending chatter. Some might end things with you or block you simply because they don't want to waste any time. Try asking a woman out as soon as possible. Actually, the first conversation is ideal time to ask someone out. Don't waste too much time chatting and conversing on the phone. It is counterproductive and a woman might lose interest, quite honestly. Ask to meet in person for a cup of coffee or something as soon as possible. If a woman says no or ignores you, move on to the next one.

12 hours ago, kleaners said:

I'm the one waking up and saying good morning, etc.

Women might think that you are a chat buddy or a pen pal if you don't ask them out. They might pile you into a time waster category if all you do is text text text. And I am talking from the experience here. Don't waste too much time with the "good morning" "how is your day going" type of texts. Simply ask a woman to meet for a cup of coffee and go from there.  Build the rapport in person rather than through a text or a phone call.

 

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

It takes two to tango and if she’s not interested, not a match.

While this is true, a woman is going to lose interest or find someone else if a guy doesn't ask her out. Who knows, maybe she is very interested talking to the OP in the beginning and is actually looking forward meeting him in person. But her interest starts to decrease the longer he idles. And then someone else asks her out and boom, she is done. Just like that. I mean, who wants to text endlessly or to talk on a phone three times a day? Unless she is looking for a pen pal. I would wish a guy all the best and be done with him if he doesn't ask me out after a phone call or two.

All I am saying OP is be more proactive.

[Wiseman2]

On 7/26/2022 at 11:25 AM, kleaners said:

I find myself struggling with online dating because I never seem to find someone who engages in conversation, meaning, I'm the one driving the back and forth, asking all the questions with little inqueries about who I am.

Texting is not dating. So when a few messages are exchanged, it's time to meet in person. What apps are you using? Why would you put a link on your profile to your social media? Social media chatting/following is also not dating.

Next time you get a response on the app, suggest drinks/coffee and take it from there. If women sense you just want a chatbuddy, cyberpal, etc., they will move on. Also don't ask for their phone number or social media. Save that for after the meeting.

Edited July 29, 2022 by Wiseman2

[NuevoYorko]

If someone you haven't met doesn't want to talk to you or engage with you anymore, they simply have to stop engaging with you. That's acceptable.  You get to do the same thing.  

It's polite to give some kind of excuse but really, who cares?   

Online dating is for meeting people.  Try to cut to the chase and get to the "meeting" part before you start feeling anything beyond ... a basic interest in meeting them.  

[glows]

19 hours ago, kleaners said:

Thanks. I do try to do that. It just makes me feel so defeated sometimes. I connected with someone earlier today and we've talked on the phone three times today. There seems to be potential there. I definitely won't hesitate to ask her out in person.

Wow. Why three times? So free? I hope it works out! Let us know how it goes. 😊

[ItsTheDay]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why would you put a link on your profile to your social media?

They're (the females) putting their socials on pretty much all apps. Like I said, on Tinder it's a dime a dozen. Bumble is just as bad and on Hinge it's a little better. I have two conclusions....

#1 On Tinder and Bumble, you can't see your likes if you don't pay. So they females who aren't paying for those apps, put their socials in their profile so you contact them. On Hinge, you can see your likes if you don't pay, but only one at a time and you have a limited amount of likes you can give. I think this is why it's not as common on Hinge, but it's there.

#2 They're using these dating apps to promote their socials. To get more followers and/or likes, or a gateway to their "all links" that eventually leads to their "pay for content" link. 

I fell into the trap, and downloaded SnapChat. Talked to over a dozen females that way, the rest just left my messages on "open" but continued to add pics and vids to their story or snap, or whatever you call it. Most of the ones who left my messages on open were all promoting their "premium snapchat". Meaning you pay to see their snaps or stories. These females mainly came from Tinder.

So I'll give the OP the benefit of the doubt. He only added his socials because that's what he was seeing on their profiles.      

Edited July 29, 2022 by ItsTheDay

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said:

On Tinder and Bumble, you can't see your likes if you don't pay. On Hinge, you can see your likes if you don't pay, but only one at a time and you have a limited amount of likes you can give. To get more followers and/or likes, or a gateway to their "all links" that eventually leads to their "pay for content" link. 

Exactly. Putting links to social media looks like advertising , scamming, too cheap/broke to pay or just lazy. That's another reason it's not a good idea.

[kleaners]

5 hours ago, glows said:

Wow. Why three times? So free? I hope it works out! Let us know how it goes. 😊

It ended up being about five or six times throughout the day. Her daughter was sick so she ended up leaving work early. She's old fashioned (surprising given she's 27) and prefers talking on the phone rather than texting, which was cool with me.

Unfortunately today was her day off but a lunch date didn't work out. Hoping to have better luck tomorrow.

[kleaners]

5 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

They're (the females) putting their socials on pretty much all apps. Like I said, on Tinder it's a dime a dozen. Bumble is just as bad and on Hinge it's a little better. I have two conclusions....

#1 On Tinder and Bumble, you can't see your likes if you don't pay. So they females who aren't paying for those apps, put their socials in their profile so you contact them. On Hinge, you can see your likes if you don't pay, but only one at a time and you have a limited amount of likes you can give. I think this is why it's not as common on Hinge, but it's there.

#2 They're using these dating apps to promote their socials. To get more followers and/or likes, or a gateway to their "all links" that eventually leads to their "pay for content" link. 

I fell into the trap, and downloaded SnapChat. Talked to over a dozen females that way, the rest just left my messages on "open" but continued to add pics and vids to their story or snap, or whatever you call it. Most of the ones who left my messages on open were all promoting their "premium snapchat". Meaning you pay to see their snaps or stories. These females mainly came from Tinder.

So I'll give the OP the benefit of the doubt. He only added his socials because that's what he was seeing on their profiles.      

Like I said, there are so many flakes, paying to use these dating sites seems like a waste of money. If I can sneak a social media handle on there, why not. If someone is interested and reaches out, great. It doesn't really happen and the only person I really exchange any messages with on SnapChat is my sister-in-law.

[glows]

1 hour ago, kleaners said:

It ended up being about five or six times throughout the day. Her daughter was sick so she ended up leaving work early. She's old fashioned (surprising given she's 27) and prefers talking on the phone rather than texting, which was cool with me.

Unfortunately today was her day off but a lunch date didn't work out. Hoping to have better luck tomorrow.

Did you both plan anything? I’m assuming you’ve not met yet as you’d mentioned “connected” earlier in the day. I’ve never heard of someone calling five or six times throughout the day unless there’s an ongoing emergency of a close friend or relative. It’s unusual for someone to need or want that much phone time and actually the antithesis of old-fashioned. An old-fashioned person, to me, says what they need to say, agrees to meet with you on a date and then meets with you without taking so much of your time early on. That person is straightforward and to the point. 

Leave some room for things to chat about when you’re in person. Too much, too soon is a common issue and you haven’t met yet. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, kleaners said:

paying to use these dating sites seems like a waste of money. If I can sneak a social media handle on there, why not.

Use free sites or remove the social media links from paid apps, because it does look like someone who likes to beat the system, get something for nothing and is too broke/cheap to pay. Especially those who pay to use paid apps will be put off by this. It's a negative either way so it's best to remove it. It also seems like an invitation for scammers, escorts and other undesirables.

Edited July 30, 2022 by Wiseman2

[kleaners]

On 7/29/2022 at 9:26 PM, glows said:

Did you both plan anything? I’m assuming you’ve not met yet as you’d mentioned “connected” earlier in the day. I’ve never heard of someone calling five or six times throughout the day unless there’s an ongoing emergency of a close friend or relative. It’s unusual for someone to need or want that much phone time and actually the antithesis of old-fashioned. An old-fashioned person, to me, says what they need to say, agrees to meet with you on a date and then meets with you without taking so much of your time early on. That person is straightforward and to the point. 

Leave some room for things to chat about when you’re in person. Too much, too soon is a common issue and you haven’t met yet. 

Unfortunately our lunch date did not work out as planned as she ended up in the hospital with kidney stones. We're tentatively planning on trying again tomorrow. Meeting up is tough when we both work and she's a mom. She works 30 minutes from me, but lives an hour away. I think we both want to see what happens.

[Eternal Sunshine]

When I did OLD, the men that got my attention were those that asked me out within the first few messages. My favorite was when they asked me out in the first message.

I can read their profile, see the photos, that's enough info for a coffee date. Standard back and forth bores me quickly so I stop replying. There is only so many times I can answer standard questions: what do you do, where are you from, what do you do for fun.... yawn.

I think men would have more success if they write something like this in the first message: "I really like your profile and think we have few things in common. Are you free for a coffee or a drink sometime?". That's my favorite opening message by far.

[poppyfields]

On 7/31/2022 at 12:02 PM, kleaners said:

Unfortunately our lunch date did not work out as planned as she ended up in the hospital with kidney stones

So is that two lunch dates that didn't pan out? 

Did you end up meeting the following day as planned? 

If not, then I'm sorry OP but I think you're being  played. 

A sudden bout of kidney stones?  That's a new one. 😳

I would next this one and learn to play the on line game a bit better.  Otherwise you will get eaten alive. 

Edited August 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[kleaners]

1 hour ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

When I did OLD, the men that got my attention were those that asked me out within the first few messages. My favorite was when they asked me out in the first message.

I can read their profile, see the photos, that's enough info for a coffee date. Standard back and forth bores me quickly so I stop replying. There is only so many times I can answer standard questions: what do you do, where are you from, what do you do for fun.... yawn.

I think men would have more success if they write something like this in the first message: "I really like your profile and think we have few things in common. Are you free for a coffee or a drink sometime?". That's my favorite opening message by far.

I'll definitely be a bit more aggressive in the future. Thanks for the suggestion. Currently seeing some. We exchanged numbers almost immediately and went out the following day (and the day after that)!!

[kleaners]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

So is that two lunch dates that didn't pan out? 

Did you end up meeting the following day as planned? 

If not, then I'm sorry OP but I think you're being  played. 

A sudden bout of kidney stones?  That's a new one. 😳

I would next this one and learn to play the on line game a bit better.  Otherwise you will get eaten alive. 

It wasn't a ploy. I had seen previous Facebook posts of her in a hospital gown. She has a condition which causes frequent kidney stones. We did eventually end up meeting, but she quickly ended the date when she learned I'm still friends with my ex and close with her sister and her kids. 

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, kleaners said:

We did eventually end up meeting, but she quickly ended the date when she learned I'm still friends with my ex and close with her sister and her kids. 

I remember that thread, didn't realize you were the same poster. 

Anyway, we've exhausted that subject but I still believe she simply wasn't feeling it when she met you in person. 

Which happens more times than not, so as others said, best to not chat too much prior to meet and become too invested. 

Best to you moving forward, it's all a journey, embrace and enjoy.

 

[kleaners]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I remember that thread, didn't realize you were the same poster. 

Anyway, we've exhausted that subject but I still believe she simply wasn't feeling it when she met you in person. 

Which happens more times than not, so as others said, best to not chat too much prior to meet and become too invested. 

Best to you moving forward, it's all a journey, embrace and enjoy.

 

Yep. Same person. 😂

Thanks!!

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, kleaners said:

Currently seeing some. We exchanged numbers almost immediately and went out the following day (and the day after that)!!

Enjoy the dates. Keep in mind that those with more options will view going on vacation with an ex's family as a red flag.