I (28F) told my boyfriend (28M) that I loved him and got no response

[Emotional_Pop93]

 

We have been dating for over a year. So far everything has been well. He is not afraid to show emotions or affection. In fact, he says “I like you” a lot whenever we hang out. Whenever we fight about something, he does everything he can to fix it real quick and we talk it out. 

On our one year mark, he planned a dinner for us to celebrate our anniversary and I was touched because I didn’t even remember to be honest. 

I’ve felt it 6 or 7 months in but never said it because I had been waiting for him to say it. I thought it would maybe happen in a year mark, but it didn’t. 

After 15 months, I finally said it after we went on a road trip together. I was nervous and afraid so I said it as I was saying goodbye. He just paused and said “you’re cute”. I didn’t really think much of it and let it go. It had been a month since I said in person and we never really talked about it and just carried on.

Last night, I decided to say it again over text. He left me on read for 2 hours but he called. I ignored the call. I finally gave him a call this morning and he told me that he is “bad at emotions” but I am really important to him and he wants to continue spending lots of time with me. All I said was “ok”. He tried asking me how my day is going, but I told him I had a lot of work and hung up. The call lasted about a minute. 

He texted me later and said he had never been in this type of serious relationship before and says he feels immature and intimidated. He apologized for not handling it well. 

I know I can’t force someone to say it, but I am upset that it has been over a year and he couldn’t even say it back. It stung a lot because it definitely took a lot of courage. It makes me think that he is settling for me and waiting for someone better to come along. 

I am going to pull back and just create space for a while. I don’t know if I want to break up (yet). We have a good time and he has never been afraid to say “I like you”. In fact he has said it every time we were together. I just need time to think. I am afraid that he really doesn’t love me and I’m just wasting my time. 

My heart is definitely hurting right now though

TLDR: I told my boyfriend of 15 months that I loved him twice and it was disregarded. Now I am feeling hurt and insecure

[JEG88]

He told you that he has issues communicating serious feelings like that, and apologized for mishandling the situation. It sounds like his actions convey that he does love you, just that there is some wall about actually saying it. This needs deeper communication between you and him, not space. Space will only serve to let your mind run wild with assumptions.

Would you consider suggesting couples counseling to talk through this?

[stillafool]

I don't think it's that hard to say "ILY" if you can say "I like you".  He isn't saying it because he isn't feeling it yet.  He likes you, likes spending time with you, probably likes sex with you but I don't think he is in love with you.

[poppyfields]

My take based on several books and articles I have read over the years as well as reading threads on forums like LS and others is that he probably doesn't know how the heck he feels.  It's not that uncommon actually especially among men who tend to be emotionally closed.

They can certainly like you and go through the motions of being in a relationship and even a good boyfriend, but inside, they feel sort of numb and are unable to get in touch with their true emotions.

You have probably read of women breaking up with their boyfriends when this happens.  After which suddenly, miraculously, the thought of losing her, being without her, NOT having her in his life and possibly her no longer loving HIM literally wakes him up and he discovers feelings he never realized and never knew existed within himself.

This is when he will begin longing for her and craving her.  Loving her.  And wanting her back, sometimes desperately because he knows the reason why she left was because of him and his conflicting feelings.

I find it sad that sometimes, for some men, it takes losing a woman before he realizes how much he loves her but again this is not uncommon and happens all too often.

I know of one man who goes back and forth like this on a regular basis.  When he is with his girlfriend, in a relationship with her, he feels sort of meh and unsure of his feelings.  The minute she leaves, suddenly he feels madly in love with her and wants her back.

This back and forth has been going on for years!

OP I am not sure how to advise you.  I certainly don't want to encourage you to break up with him HOPING he will suddenly realize he's in love with you.  Because that may not happen and even if it does, who's to say that once you're back together, the same thing might happen again.

It probably would.

All I will say is that if you are seeking a long term commitment and desire a man to love you the same way you love him (which most women do) he is not the man for you.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

Edited July 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[Ami1uwant]

I agree with Poppy on this one….

 

he’s under 30.  Unsure his relationship history…but he likely doesn’t  know what love is.  
 

with many young guys they feel they shouldn’t say love unless they are ready to get married. Marriage is probably far from his timeline.

[poppyfields]

@Emotional_Pop93

Are you okay?  What are your thoughts about what's been posted?

Edited July 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[Emotional_Pop93]

Thank you, poppy. I am definitely sad and hurt. I feel like I’m unlovable. I think I’m gonna take a break from this relationship. I appreciate your advice. I don’t think I can carry on knowing he doesn’t love me despite being together for over a year. I also learned that I am his first serious relationship 

Edited July 27, 2022 by Emotional_Pop93

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you have realized that this isn't the relationship for you. 

Rather than analyzing why he's not saying it, recognize that you don't feel good about this and want someone who is more certain and expressive of his feelings. He's not that guy. 

[Alpacalia]

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you have realized that this isn't the relationship for you. 

Rather than analyzing why he's not saying it, recognize that you don't feel good about this and want someone who is more certain and expressive of his feelings. He's not that guy. 

Agree.

It would be hell no, I wouldn't do it if I were you...max six months. 

Do not undervalue yourself.

The reality is we dislike talking in terms of time limits, but after one year...I think people mean the same thing when they say, "they're just not that interested."

Those women who treat men as an enigma, and some who cannot speak, well good luck to you, even if they exist they aren't someone I would recommend being with, but that's your choice. In any case, a guy will tell you what he feels, assuming he feels it at all. Otherwise, what are you two saying to each other while staring at the walls? You make a good tennis mate?

 

Edited July 27, 2022 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Emotional_Pop93 said:

Thank you, poppy. I am definitely sad and hurt. I feel like I’m unlovable. I think I’m gonna take a break from this relationship. I appreciate your advice. I don’t think I can carry on knowing he doesn’t love me despite being together for over a year. 

You don't know he doesn't love you.  You know that he was not ready or able to say those words to you on the same day you felt ready to say them.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Emotional_Pop93 said:

 I feel like I’m unlovable. I think I’m gonna take a break from this relationship

Sorry this is happening. Try not to engage in catastrophizing this into "you're unlovable". 

How old is he? Is he generally immature or emotionally constipated?

You're right to consider a breakup if you're not on the same page and that's hurting you.

You can't make someone love you. If he's coasting along with "like" after a year's time, it's not going to get better.

[Emotional_Pop93]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Try not to engage in catastrophizing this into "you're unlovable". 

How old is he? Is he generally immature or emotionally constipated?

You're right to consider a breakup if you're not on the same page and that's hurting you.

You can't make someone love you. If he's coasting along with "like" after a year's time, it's not going to get better.

Thank you, Wiseman. He is 28. We talked on the phone earlier and I actually just learned that this is his first serious relationship. I had no idea until today tbh. 
 

He said he liked how things are and that he “can’t give anymore than what he is giving now”. I don’t know what that means tbh but it sounds pretty clear that he doesn’t see me in his future. He said he really “cares” about me and “likes me” but I’m starting to think it’s just a phrase to soften the blow. Kinda like when someone says “it’s not you it’s me.”

[Saorla]

You´re right to question this relationship. During my long years of dating, I´ve figured out that all the inhibitions, excuses and obstacles are gone in an instance when a man finds the woman he´s truly crazy about. Nothing else matters. He´ll do everything to be with her - tell her he loves her, marry her, move mountains for her. The guy who will be crazy about you exists out there which makes spending time with guys like the one you´re dating even more wasteful. I can´t see myself not saying "I love you" back to someone I would never want to lose. 

[Maldives]

I would look at actions over words any day. Anyone can say I love you but it's there actions that speak louder than words. Couple therapy may be a suggestion. People these days give up way too easily on relationships. 

[Beachead]

OP,

With respect, the words "I love you" can be fickle and can have different meanings.  I heard them from people that ditched my life and the relationship for their own reasons, shortly afterwards.  It wasn't because I didn't return the gesture or feel the same way, because I did.  Yet, they left.  Now, I don't care to hear those words and if someone were to tell me it, I can only acknowledge it as a gesture that applies only to that day.   When I said the words, it meant I was in it for the long-haul.  When they said it, it meant something else.  It is entirely possible for people to mean different things by it.

What do you want to convey to him by saying "I love you"?

Is it how you felt at that point in time?  Does it mean you want to be with him for the rest of your life or something else?  Does his not returning the gesture somehow reduce or nullify all his loving actions throughout the entire relationship, for you?  And do you feel that love for him now after his answer or has it changed? 

There is a difference between "I love you" and Love.  Love is giving without expectation to someone and it's not something you say, you just do it, because you want to, because the person you're giving it to, inspires you to, because they give it to you.  In a relationship of love, both people give 100/100...not 50/50.  They're able to do this because they feed off of the mutuality of love they give one another.   It is a big picture, longterm concept.  It is compassionate, understanding and empathetic.  

 In your case, love would be talking to him about this and having the ability to understand his side, even if it hurts you or isn't what you wanted to hear, without punishing him for not responding the way you wanted him to.  Sounds like the moment he didn't respond the way you wanted him to, you lost trust in him and lost faith in your relationship.  

Sure, he very well could be uninvested and you probably just exposed him like everyone else said or there might be another reason.

I believe you owe it to your relationship to scrap the emphasis on this phrase "I love you" and see this through for yourself, by considering his perspective and his actions throughout the relationship.  Consider the way he has he made you feel throughout your relationship.  Do you both see a future together?

These are the things that matter.  

For someone to define their relationship only on words, is a mistake, which seems to be what you are currently allowing yourself to do. 

- Beach

Edited July 28, 2022 by Beachead

[smackie9]

Girl date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated. I'm a passionate person...I would never have waited 15 months for a man to tell me he loves me...ever. This guy is a damn chicken fool. Whatever his deal is, it's not for you to fix. You are not getting what you need out of this relationship...tell him sorry but this is goodbye. 

[Ami1uwant]

On 7/27/2022 at 2:39 AM, Emotional_Pop93 said:

Thank you, Wiseman. He is 28. We talked on the phone earlier and I actually just learned that this is his first serious relationship. I had no idea until today tbh. 
 

He said he liked how things are and that he “can’t give anymore than what he is giving now”. I don’t know what that means tbh but it sounds pretty clear that he doesn’t see me in his future. He said he really “cares” about me and “likes me” but I’m starting to think it’s just a phrase to soften the blow. Kinda like when someone says “it’s not you it’s me.”

He does not know what exactly love is.

 

you need to talk to him about what he thinks love is

[poppyfields]

On 7/26/2022 at 4:10 PM, Emotional_Pop93 said:

After 15 months, I finally said it after we went on a road trip together. I was nervous and afraid so I said it as I was saying goodbye. He just paused and said “you’re cute”. 

This^ is the part I'm trying to wrap my brain around. 

You convey deep emotion that you love him and he responds with "you're cute"?

Do you realize how utterly condescending that is? 

No this is more than he simply can't say the words. 

He's NOT feeling it, he's going through the motions and doesn't even have the emotional capacity to respond to your saying it in a respectful way. 

I think you know what you should do, I'm sorry and all the best moving forward.

[glows]

Given it's his first relationship, it makes very little sense why he's so hesitant. Something isn't adding up at all. Usually it's those who have been recently burnt or hurt that hesitate or withhold their feelings that way or want to be more careful about what they say. 

And if words are just words, then why is it so difficult to reciprocate it? It would seem odd that a person can continue indefinitely to be in a relationship without reciprocating those feelings or sensing that their partner is upset. It's not the words themselves but knowing that it means a lot to your partner to hear them and willfully withholding those words chalking it up to the nonsensical excuse that it's his first relationship. 

You're right to be more cautious around him and think. If he hasn't been in a relationship before or ever broken up with someone, it's more likely to me he's keeping you around because he doesn't know how to break up with you. 

I'd take the time to cool off and think a bit more if I were you and then see whether this relationship is as fulfilling as you'd hoped it would be. You may decide that you'd like to give it a try for a few more months but in private, make a timeline to yourself of when it's time to call a spade a spade and move on if this no longer fulfilling to you.

[Calmandfocused]

I think the most important thing here is that you don’t feel loved by your boyfriend. 

 

Your relationship sounds very nice, mechanical and cold. In other words: emotionless. 
 

The fact he hasn’t said I love you is more or less irrelevant here. These 3 words will not change how you feel, nor will they change your boyfriend’s behaviour. 
 

In other words; These 3 words will not make you feel loved by him.