Married man going along with things - but why ?

[Thunderbolt00]

have become close to a married man who is in his mid 50’s at work , I am 35 and in a fairly new relationship with a guy who is nice and we get on well, I’m happy with him but this older guys takes up a lot of my thought space. He is really senior and very experienced in my place of work and we meet regularly to talk things through from a work perspective and he supports me in my role when he can as I am currently managing a really difficult department where he knows the full history (we don’t do this in a public space and usually get a room to talk privately - we have just arranged an hour long meeting in few weeks in a seminar room so we can talk properly ) We have been doing this for around 9 months now , he has been quite silly with me at times and made jokes/ teasing. In the last month we have also been texting quite a bit.. we did before but it was more about when we could meet etc … something seems to have changed in the tone: I am finding myself saying some quite flirty things to him, whilst he isn’t massively flirtatious he also isn’t shutting anything down most of all I feel a bit like I am coming on fairly strong , it is usually me who initiates texts but he always replies - usually within a few minutes. Some of it is work related and supportive about the issues I am sorting at work . I ask him to call me sometimes to talk things through and he will , he tells me when he can and can’t meet… I even suggested this week that perhaps I should get a new mentor through proper channels as helping me must be annoying and let me know if he doesn’t have time , he said happy to continue . Today we were talking about trust being so important and I text ‘do you think we can totally trust eachother , he replied I think so, I said I think so, I want you to know we can’…. I’ve also been dropping quite a few hints like giving him compliments etc… he doesn’t find it easy to accept them so I said he really should learn to… basically I’m giving him loads of attention and boosting him. I’m not really sure what is happening here, on Monday we text back and forth so many times , today the same… I guess I’m wondering if he is just a really nice man wanting to mentor me genuinely to improve my work prospects or if it sounds like on some level he likes this situation and doesn’t want to shut it down. We don’t discuss his wife or home life but if she saw his phone tonight I’m pretty sure she would not be happy. Please no judgement , just genuine advice and opinion appreciated. Thanks my questions are - what does this sound like and when does something become an emotional affair ? What do you think his game is and why hasn’t he told me to stop with the quite obvious flirting if he doesn’t wish to engage in anything other than work. I have a boyfriend at the moment , it’s early days but can’t stop thinking about this older guy. 

Edited July 28, 2022 by Thunderbolt00

[hajk]

This sounds so familiar.  Is this your previous thread?

 

[Thunderbolt00]

2 minutes ago, hajk said:

This sounds so familiar.  Is this your previous thread?

 

No, I am new here 

[Thunderbolt00]

12 minutes ago, Thunderbolt00 said:

have become close to a married man who is in his mid 50’s at work , I am 35 and in a fairly new relationship with a guy who is nice and we get on well, I’m happy with him but this older guys takes up a lot of my thought space. He is really senior and very experienced in my place of work and we meet regularly to talk things through from a work perspective and he supports me in my role when he can as I am currently managing a really difficult department where he knows the full history (we don’t do this in a public space and usually get a room to talk privately - we have just arranged an hour long meeting in few weeks in a seminar room so we can talk properly ) We have been doing this for around 9 months now , he has been quite silly with me at times and made jokes/ teasing. In the last month we have also been texting quite a bit.. we did before but it was more about when we could meet etc … something seems to have changed in the tone: I am finding myself saying some quite flirty things to him, whilst he isn’t massively flirtatious he also isn’t shutting anything down most of all I feel a bit like I am coming on fairly strong , it is usually me who initiates texts but he always replies - usually within a few minutes. Some of it is work related and supportive about the issues I am sorting at work . I ask him to call me sometimes to talk things through and he will , he tells me when he can and can’t meet… I even suggested this week that perhaps I should get a new mentor through proper channels as helping me must be annoying and let me know if he doesn’t have time , he said happy to continue . Today we were talking about trust being so important and I text ‘do you think we can totally trust eachother , he replied I think so, I said I think so, I want you to know we can’…. I’ve also been dropping quite a few hints like giving him compliments etc… he doesn’t find it easy to accept them so I said he really should learn to… basically I’m giving him loads of attention and boosting him. I’m not really sure what is happening here, on Monday we text back and forth so many times , today the same… I guess I’m wondering if he is just a really nice man wanting to mentor me genuinely to improve my work prospects or if it sounds like on some level he likes this situation and doesn’t want to shut it down. We don’t discuss his wife or home life but if she saw his phone tonight I’m pretty sure she would not be happy. Please no judgement , just genuine advice and opinion appreciated. Thanks my questions are - what does this sound like and when does something become an emotional affair ? What do you think his game is and why hasn’t he told me to stop with the quite obvious flirting if he doesn’t wish to engage in anything other than work. I have a boyfriend at the moment , it’s early days but can’t stop thinking about this older guy. 

I will read this post though to see what it says for any tips  ! Thank you 

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, Thunderbolt00 said:

I’ve also been dropping quite a few hints like giving him compliments etc… he doesn’t find it easy to accept them so I said he really should learn to

Actually, it sounds like you should learn that he is not comfortable with your compliments. 

If he's not accepting them, perhaps you could take the hint and stop. That could also be why he hasn't directly told you to stop, because he's hoping you will understand on your own that it's not exactly welcome. It is also not smart of you to put that all in writing where it has the potential to come back and bite you if it get's into the wrong hands or if he has to eventually report you for being inappropriate. 

21 minutes ago, Thunderbolt00 said:

What do you think his game is

Better question, what is yours? You have a boyfriend and you're hitting on another man. Don't worry about this married guy - question your own motivations and moral compass.

[finnhilton]

34 minutes ago, Thunderbolt00 said:

have become close to a married man who is in his mid 50’s at work , I am 35 and in a fairly new relationship with a guy who is nice and we get on well, I’m happy with him but this older guys takes up a lot of my thought space. He is really senior and very experienced in my place of work and we meet regularly to talk things through from a work perspective and he supports me in my role when he can as I am currently managing a really difficult department where he knows the full history (we don’t do this in a public space and usually get a room to talk privately - we have just arranged an hour long meeting in few weeks in a seminar room so we can talk properly ) We have been doing this for around 9 months now , he has been quite silly with me at times and made jokes/ teasing. In the last month we have also been texting quite a bit.. we did before but it was more about when we could meet etc … something seems to have changed in the tone: I am finding myself saying some quite flirty things to him, whilst he isn’t massively flirtatious he also isn’t shutting anything down most of all I feel a bit like I am coming on fairly strong , it is usually me who initiates texts but he always replies - usually within a few minutes. Some of it is work related and supportive about the issues I am sorting at work . I ask him to call me sometimes to talk things through and he will , he tells me when he can and can’t meet… I even suggested this week that perhaps I should get a new mentor through proper channels as helping me must be annoying and let me know if he doesn’t have time , he said happy to continue . Today we were talking about trust being so important and I text ‘do you think we can totally trust eachother , he replied I think so, I said I think so, I want you to know we can’…. I’ve also been dropping quite a few hints like giving him compliments etc… he doesn’t find it easy to accept them so I said he really should learn to… basically I’m giving him loads of attention and boosting him. I’m not really sure what is happening here, on Monday we text back and forth so many times , today the same… I guess I’m wondering if he is just a really nice man wanting to mentor me genuinely to improve my work prospects or if it sounds like on some level he likes this situation and doesn’t want to shut it down. We don’t discuss his wife or home life but if she saw his phone tonight I’m pretty sure she would not be happy. Please no judgement , just genuine advice and opinion appreciated. Thanks my questions are - what does this sound like and when does something become an emotional affair ? What do you think his game is and why hasn’t he told me to stop with the quite obvious flirting if he doesn’t wish to engage in anything other than work. I have a boyfriend at the moment , it’s early days but can’t stop thinking about this older guy. 

Because of the age difference, it's like that. It's not an issue if you marry guys older than you but there should be a max of 10 years old would ok. If you go older than that it would be like he has experienced all things you are doing so if you feel happy to do something he will be like ok what so funny in this. It's hard to live with but in war and love all things are allowed so, it's upon you.

[Lisa]

Abuse of multiple accounts