Boyfriend texts girl mates with kisses

[KarenT]

Am in a relationship is it acceptable my boyfriend texts his girl mates darling with kisses and also has her sleep in the same tent as him whilst they are doing a relay race?

Edited July 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clarify title

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, KarenT said:

 my boyfriend texts his girl mates darling with kisses and also has her sleep in the same tent as him whilst they are doing a relay race?

How long have you been dating? How old is he? What kind of race is this that they need tents to sleep together in?  Are there no other accommodations or entrants that he could stay with? How do you know what his messages to her look like?

[KarenT]

I have been with him 3 years we live together and he has known these 2 girl mates for 10 or so years. I have asked to see them but he gets so defensive and says they are my mates not yours. I said I was concerned about this girl mate sleeping in the same tent and he went mad throwing things around and said WHY are you concerned and got so angry he hasn’t spoken to me since. I have had a gut instinct that maybe there is more to it and have to admit I did have a look at his phone and he contacts them a least twice a week with good morning darling xx also he made a comment about having a shower together when they were doing this run. I think they just camp at this run but I know they have 5 in a team so the others were in a caravan. Asked about supporting and dropping by to see him and he replied no point you would be bored.

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, KarenT said:

I have been with him 3 years we live together. he went mad throwing things around and said WHY are you concerned and got so angry he hasn’t spoken to me since. 

He sounds abusive. On many levels. Sharing tents and texts is the least of it. You need to reconsider living with such disrespect, anger and abuse

[KarenT]

I know he has anger issues and appreciate your feedback - thank you

[glows]

3 hours ago, KarenT said:

Am in a relationship is it acceptable my boyfriend texts his girl mates darling with kisses and also has her sleep in the same tent as him whilst they are doing a relay race?

 

2 hours ago, KarenT said:

I have been with him 3 years we live together and he has known these 2 girl mates for 10 or so years. I have asked to see them but he gets so defensive and says they are my mates not yours. I said I was concerned about this girl mate sleeping in the same tent and he went mad throwing things around and said WHY are you concerned and got so angry he hasn’t spoken to me since. I have had a gut instinct that maybe there is more to it and have to admit I did have a look at his phone and he contacts them a least twice a week with good morning darling xx also he made a comment about having a shower together when they were doing this run. I think they just camp at this run but I know they have 5 in a team so the others were in a caravan. Asked about supporting and dropping by to see him and he replied no point you would be bored.

No, this is not ok. None of it is. His anger doesn’t mean that he loves you more. Neither does the duplicity and lying. Are you stuck living with him? Why be with someone like this? 

[KarenT]

I kinda moved out of my hometown so we could start a life together and he moved out of his hometown too, the moods he had was very infrequent but now am seeing alot of his temper lately.

[glows]

13 minutes ago, KarenT said:

I kinda moved out of my hometown so we could start a life together and he moved out of his hometown too, the moods he had was very infrequent but now am seeing alot of his temper lately.

Do you share a lease? Or whose home is it? Are you employed/self-sufficient? How far away are you from home? Do you have support back home if you need to leave? How did you meet him originally? 

You’ll have to decide whether you want to be around someone like this who flirts and crosses boundaries in a relationship. If you suspect him of cheating on you he puts your health at risk passing it to you (STDs). He’s a liability.

He dismisses you saying you’ll be bored attending events he goes to and doesn’t seem to value or care for your opinion or desires in the relationship. He also stonewalls you, refusing to speak to you. This is contempt. 

His behaviour is hostile and he doesn’t seem to enjoy your presence so ask yourself why are you continuing to stay? Is this a home to you?

 

 

Edited July 28, 2022 by glows

[Will am I]

Male perspective.

Among my circle of friends there are quite some women. Most of them in the shared circle of friendsships that my wife and I developed as a couple.

Some of them are more in "my circle" because I know them from the workplace or from before I knew my wife. One of them is in the inner circle, she's the wife of my childhood buddy and we go way back. When we meet, we hug and there's a lot of intimacy in that hug. But none of the women, not even she will get texts with kisses.

When I was texting a woman with kisses, that was not me being friendly. The only one receiving these kind of messages was my OW at the time.

Just saying.

 

Edited July 28, 2022 by Will am I

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, KarenT said:

the moods he had was very infrequent but now am seeing alot of his temper lately.

Read up on "the cycle of violence" and "red flags for abusive relationships". "Anger issues" and "temper" are euphemisms for abusive in order to deny it .

[LeGenDary_Man]

12 hours ago, KarenT said:

Am in a relationship is it acceptable my boyfriend texts his girl mates darling with kisses and also has her sleep in the same tent as him whilst they are doing a relay race?

Even though you are NOT married to this man, do you find this level of closeness between him and his girl mate acceptable? Possibility of intimacy cannot be ruled out between these two.

12 hours ago, KarenT said:

I have been with him 3 years we live together and he has known these 2 girl mates for 10 or so years. I have asked to see them but he gets so defensive and says they are my mates not yours. I said I was concerned about this girl mate sleeping in the same tent and he went mad throwing things around and said WHY are you concerned and got so angry he hasn’t spoken to me since. I have had a gut instinct that maybe there is more to it and have to admit I did have a look at his phone and he contacts them a least twice a week with good morning darling xx also he made a comment about having a shower together when they were doing this run. I think they just camp at this run but I know they have 5 in a team so the others were in a caravan. Asked about supporting and dropping by to see him and he replied no point you would be bored.

Your BF does not want you to meet this girl mate because he is pretending to be 'single' and 'available' to HER. He cannot have his 'moments' with HER in your company.

She might reject his advances IF she learns about you and meet you. I am not sure about this though.

Your BF not allowing you to meet his girl mate(s) = RED FLAG

Your BF getting mad and throwing things around = RED FLAG (not good)

Your BF not taking you with him to these trips = RED FLAG

9 hours ago, KarenT said:

I kinda moved out of my hometown so we could start a life together and he moved out of his hometown too, the moods he had was very infrequent but now am seeing alot of his temper lately.

You should reconsider your relationship with this man. He is not treating you like "his woman."

Can you move back to your hometown? Go back to your original family home?

IF yes, then move out from your current home ASAP. Take your most important belongings with you for now.

You can come back later to pick up the remainder of your belongings from your current home with "a friend or family member."

Be glad that you are not married to this man and noticed all of the above beforehand.

Edited July 28, 2022 by LeGenDary_Man

[mark clemson]

13 hours ago, KarenT said:

is it acceptable my boyfriend

Only you can decide what's "acceptable" or not; however it does seem a real possibility that there is something romantic going on between them. Not 100% guaranteed, but a solid chance. So if that's a problem for you, then yes you need to either address it with him or perhaps let him go.

I assume you've asked him about this obvious point and he's said "nothing happens between them" or similar. That might be the truth, but again I wouldn't like the odds. I guess you'll have to decide whether you think you trust him "this much" or not.

If it was me, I would at a minimum ask that any contact that could be interpreted romantically stop. Even if nothing has happened yet, it seems like it possibly could one day, particularly with the physical proximity.

If you think they have done something or the (possible, apparent) emotional element of whatever this is strongly bothers you, then I guess you should take appropriate action (such as leaving or insisting they stop contact completely, etc).

A pattern of physical violence is a concern. Not sure how frequent/infrequent this all is. Keep in mind, some abusers act very nice until they think you are stuck in a situation where you can't "fight back" effectively before they begin their abuse.

Edited July 28, 2022 by mark clemson

[KarenT]

On 7/28/2022 at 10:52 AM, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is he? What kind of race is this that they need tents to sleep together in?  Are there no other accommodations or entrants that he could stay with? How do you know what his messages to her look like?

He will just question my trust with him, he always turns it around as I am wrong to question but I don’t think it is out of order to meet them.

My head is so messed up, I just need to talk about this but with him it is when I can approach him and what I say to him as he will just take things the wrong way.

I have kept a diary when he goes into moods/tempers and ends up not acknowledging me and avoids me tends to be once a month and comes out of it around 4 days.

[Will am I]

34 minutes ago, KarenT said:

He will just question my trust with him, he always turns it around as I am wrong to question but I don’t think it is out of order to meet them.

That's what narciccists do.

Lots of red flags were recognized in this topic. Here's the next one.

35 minutes ago, KarenT said:

I just need to talk about this but with him it is when I can approach him and what I say to him as he will just take things the wrong way.

I don't think you should be running to your BF with these thoughts. I think you need to process them privately or maybe with the help of a close friend. It's a very real possibility that after you did your thinking, you decide you want out of the relationship. Maybe your message for him will be a very simple one.

37 minutes ago, KarenT said:

I have kept a diary when he goes into moods/tempers and ends up not acknowledging me and avoids me tends to be once a month and comes out of it around 4 days.

Keeping a diary is good. Talking to us on the forum is good. Talking to friends is good.

Getting pulled into your BF's patterns is bad. Doubting your own sanity is bad.

It's important that you stay sane and confident.

[KarenT]

On 7/28/2022 at 10:52 AM, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is he? What kind of race is this that they need tents to sleep together in?  Are there no other accommodations or entrants that he could stay with? How do you know what his messages to her look like?

Thank you for all your replies it mean’s a lot. Just trying to keep sane in this I know it takes me for granted as am so easy going need to toughen up.

[glows]

1 hour ago, KarenT said:

Thank you for all your replies it mean’s a lot. Just trying to keep sane in this I know it takes me for granted as am so easy going need to toughen up.

Talking rationally to an abuser doesn’t work. 

[KarenT]

On 7/28/2022 at 10:52 AM, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is he? What kind of race is this that they need tents to sleep together in?  Are there no other accommodations or entrants that he could stay with? How do you know what his messages to her look like?

I guess this relationship is doomed.

[smackie9]

On 7/29/2022 at 3:01 AM, KarenT said:

He will just question my trust with him, he always turns it around as I am wrong to question but I don’t think it is out of order to meet them.

My head is so messed up, I just need to talk about this but with him it is when I can approach him and what I say to him as he will just take things the wrong way.

I have kept a diary when he goes into moods/tempers and ends up not acknowledging me and avoids me tends to be once a month and comes out of it around 4 days.

Girl this is called gaslighting/diverting/manipulation. Stop being a pushover. Leave this guy, he's abusive. And these girl mates...he's sleeping with them hun. They probably don't know you two are actually together or maybe even know you exist.

[Mrin]

Dude here. I have a lot of extremely close female friends in my life. Many are single. Most are very attractive. My relationships with them have made several dating partners of mine very uncomfortable in the past. 

I say all that to frame this:

1. I've never nor would I ever text kiss emojis to any of them.

2. I've never talked or joked about showering with any of them.

3. I would share a tent with them, however, but only if others would also be in that tent. 

4. I will text them a good morning text every now and then if I'm checking in on their emotional well-being. But I would never call them darling.

5. When past dating partners have voiced their discomfort I've reacted both ways: soft and hard. When a dating partner approached it like "your friendship with X makes me insecure. I know she's a friend so can we talk about how I can become secure?" then I was more than happy to have conversation to soothe her hurts and included behavior modifications for me to achieve that. But when a dating partner took the, "stop being friends with X. I'm the only woman you should need now in your life", they've received a very hard response from me that goes a little like, "X is a 10-year friend. She's been there for me in my lowest of lows. Neither of us have ever crossed the line. You have been in my life for Y months. I can tell you one thing for sure, 5 years from now X will still be my friend. Whether you're in my life is entirely dependent on you getting over this." Yeah. Not exactly nice. But I don't throw away friendships.

So basically I think your boyfriend is crossing lines that even I wouldn't cross. But I do caution you on how you approach it with him. At least for me it makes a huge difference.

Hope this helps!

Mrin

Edited July 30, 2022 by Mrin