StuckDad Posted July 28, 2022 Share Posted July 28, 2022 (edited) Hi All, quick context, Married 15 years to my wife, 4 wonderful children. My wife is an at home mum, and hasn't returned to working since our kids were born 12 years ago. When kids went to school she felt lost, we are role reversed in our marriage I am the talker and my wife is not. I tried time again and again to consol her, talk to her, understand her challenges, she continually said she felt lost now kids at school like her job is over, she got depressed, I had new connection activities with our kids increasing and she I think felt a bit left out almost like we weren't connecting like we used to. I tried really hard however she was pulling back. To the guts of it, our world turned upside down when COVID hit in 2020, my job was gone and my wife suddenly turned extremely cold and shut me out. We talked and talked, and nothing would come out. I soon discovered, she had emotional feelings for our joint friend and she was struggling with this, I had to find out by trusting my instincts and finding messages on her phone. Although it proved my concerns were right, she never acknowledged it purely said ' do you trust me' so I said Yes, and the bigger issue was I broke her privacy. 2 years later, and I have poured my soul and heart into this marriage, romance, excitement, discovery, love, family time, all the things we did when we first fell in love in our early days but with the kids included. Recently we started couples counselling, but before our approaching session came she said she loves me, but is not in love with me anymore. AND, she has feelings for our joint friend still, but its all on her side she hasn't communicated this to him. Now I know everyone here will probably say she has acted on it, but I know the joint friend and I trust him he is married also, and was flattered when he first heard my wife feelings but said he is happy and committed to his own family and marriage. So my question for the masses, can emotional infidelity be one sided? And if it is only one sided, is this easier to deal with during marriage recovery? I love my wife, our family is my world, and I do not want to break things apart. But I am having a hard time deciding how firm I need to be on how bad this situation really got since it was only one sided. Many thanks for reading. Edited July 28, 2022 by StuckDad Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 28, 2022 Share Posted July 28, 2022 (edited) How much contact has she been having with the OM? What has the contact looked like over the years? sorry you are in this situation. normally when the spouse says ILYBNILWY - it’s already over. why would you say you trust your wife when clearly you shouldn’t be trusting her? She’s ruined your marriage and family by developing strong feelings for someone outside your marriage. why has she had NO consequences for developing feelings for someone else so strong that it’s ruined the family unit? you may not want to hear this - but DNA test all your kids now. [] I’d say she is spoiled rotten and very ungrateful for the life you’ve provided for her! consequences now! me thinks the OM is minimizing his role to look more innocent than he is. Edited July 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Group berating Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 28, 2022 Share Posted July 28, 2022 Is your wife friends with this man's wife? If he has no interest in your wife and they haven't been communicating, she just has a major crush on him. Try counseling for her if she's open to it. That will be a place for her to talk and get what she's feeling out and get some help. In the meantime, stop breaking your neck trying to please her because for some reason that never works. Don't act like you can't live without her because it will make you look weak. We women like strong men. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 28, 2022 Share Posted July 28, 2022 Have you never had feelings for someone and the didn't feel the same way? Because it can totally happen. That said, your wife has lost romantic love for you, so I think the issue is bigger than the crush she has on the mutual friend. When you started counselling, the counsellor probably asked each of you if you want to make the marriage work. What was her reply? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 28, 2022 Share Posted July 28, 2022 2 minutes ago, S2B said: why is it always the moms who cheat that stay at home and aren’t required to earn an income for the family? I’d say she is spoiled rotten and very ungrateful for the life you’ve provided for her! Definitely this! Stop spoiling her because she doesn't deserve it and she doesn't respect it. Respect is key when dealing with an unfaithful wife. I know you will say she hasn't been unfaithful but trust me, if this guy dared to give her to "okay" look she'd go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 28, 2022 Share Posted July 28, 2022 3 minutes ago, S2B said: why has she had NO consequences for developing feelings for someone else so strong that it’s ruined the family unit? Or did it happen the other way around? She lost feelings for the OP and as a consequence she fell for another man... I'm not saying you're wrong, but just wondering about the order in which things happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StuckDad Posted July 28, 2022 Author Share Posted July 28, 2022 Wow, thanks for the fast replies all. I will try to answer as much as I can. When the issue first came up with my wife I found many messages each day and long phone calls. But when I confronted her, it stopped. in fact contact has only been when we were all together at friends events. I still monitor things (joint phone account) and messages are quite rare now, and just back to normal communication before this flared up. But I do agree with the early comments that consequences are needed, I have since asked her to stay at her parents for a few days whilst I get my head around this (and I remain at home with the family). I know I have done nothing wrong, she is in counselling (as am I), and we are starting marriage counselling. She has said she wants to make this work, I just need to get my head around is it just a crush at a time of depression, and should I not be so hard on her... or is it just the same thing, bringing these OM feelings into a marriage and a healthy family. Oh to answer yes, my wife is friends with the mans wife also, and has caught up with her and other mums occasionally. What I do feel I need to set, is boundaries if she says she is committed to resolving our marriage and keeping the family together. I don't feel it is unreasonable to ask for no further contact with him, and I am tempted to raise in our next joint counselling session. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 28, 2022 Share Posted July 28, 2022 Now that I fully understand how far this went....all the messages and long phone calls, I no longer believe this was a one sided thing. Did the messages allude to any physical contact? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StuckDad Posted July 29, 2022 Author Share Posted July 29, 2022 (edited) They we're friends before we met, she admitted she had a crush on him then met and fell in love with me, and was happy ever since. He, had some challenges in his marriage, I think they both leant on each other as friends, but my wife read a little to much into it. I've read it all, and I'm not proud I did. Messages between him, literally lots of fun and banter about life, I was mentioned often (positively). Messages with her best friend, saying she is lost and didnt know what to do about these feelings. Her friend said, you have to get it off your chest, so she told the other guy one day. Then she wrote that he said he was flattered, and if she had acted before she met me things may be different, but he said he's married now, and committed to his family. I even saw comments about her talks with her psych, and they were addressing it as a shiny new toy, a bit of an obsession, but her intent was to try to surpesss the feelings and focus on her marriage.... But it doesn't seem to have worked, and now she has coughed up, she is finally acting like she knows she did wrong. 🤞 Edited July 29, 2022 by StuckDad 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 29, 2022 Share Posted July 29, 2022 It is one thing for your wife to have had a crush on this guy and suffered alone with it. Talking for hours and them leaning on each other for support is crossing boundaries and inappropriate. Were you talking to this guy's wife behind his back? Does his wife know your wife has a major crush on her husband? You say your wife wants to make your marriage work but I can't help but wonder if it would be different if this guy had told her he also has feelings for her. You will never know the answer to that question or how far she would have went. She didn't only betray you but also her friend, this guy's wife. She didn't care that she was deceiving you both to try to get what she wanted. I could no longer trust her if I were you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StuckDad Posted July 29, 2022 Author Share Posted July 29, 2022 Thanks all, I appreciate your advice and thoughts! I am preparing to set some new boundaries in place, those boundaries are likely to include her agreeing to cut contact with this guy friend if she is actually committed to make this work. But I will drop those boundaries in our next joint counselling session in a safe space. But you have helped me realised I have done far too much for far to long for her (although I usually know it) and plan to stop this immediately so she knows that lines have been crossed. She will have to earn my trust again, but if she's not prepared to take the steps required, then I know where her commitment lies as sad as that will be for our kids and I. Will try to be strong, thank you 🤞 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 29, 2022 Share Posted July 29, 2022 5 hours ago, StuckDad said: I found many messages each day and long phone calls This was not one-sided, and your friend is not much of a friend. Even if he reminded her that he is married and "committed", a good friend with a decent moral compass isn't going to be getting close to your wife like this. You need to find your backbone and not make excuses for her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 29, 2022 Share Posted July 29, 2022 (edited) Are you also asking her to never speak to the OM’s wife too? The gal she also deceived and pretended to be friends with - while scheming to swipe her husband? Taking time from him and his family with long phone calls and texts? That’s no friend. I’d also demand she get a full time job now! Especially since she has way too much time on her hands to go looking for friends that cause a rift in your marriage! It also would add money to the family - it’s only a fair compromise considering g how she’s betrayed you over a long period of time.and too bad if she doesn’t want to work. She can work at Walmart just to keep herself busy. she can also explain to your kids that she has to go to work instead of spending her time getting involved in a “friends marriage”. she had plans to ditch you for another man. Make her really uncomfortable! People don’t change when they are comfortable!!! and IF you decide to divorce her - at least she will be earning money and you’ll pay her less. So you got to think ahead a bit in case she doesn’t seem remorseful for the way she participated. Edited July 29, 2022 by S2B 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 29, 2022 Share Posted July 29, 2022 The guy is not a friend. he knew he was in contact with your wife waaay too much. He knows your wife was too in to him - he was enjoying the attention as well - and betrayed his wife by sharing things with her about his own marriage as well. So he’s NOT a good husband. A good husband takes concerns to the spouse - not others for common complaints! he isn’t your friend. Have you cut them off as your friends yet? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2022 Share Posted July 29, 2022 7 hours ago, StuckDad said: . I even saw comments about her talks with her psych, Is she seeing a psychologist on her own? Is there a history of depression? It's good you two agreed to marriage counseling, but unfortunately you're still using snooping and a DIY approach. Rifling through phones doesn't create trust. Sadly she simply seems checked out. Link to post Share on other sites
ItsTheDay Posted July 29, 2022 Share Posted July 29, 2022 10 hours ago, StuckDad said: can emotional infidelity be one sided? No, it takes two to dance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 29, 2022 Share Posted July 29, 2022 (edited) 13 hours ago, StuckDad said: So my question for the masses, can emotional infidelity be one sided? Otherwise known as a crush. While it may have started as a crush, it obviously became much more. You say that you trust both of these people - I would suggest that it is unwise to trust people who have proven themselves to be untrustworthy. He wins no award for telling her that he is happily married - if he was happily married he wouldn’t have been texting and having phone conversations with your wife. And she, would be happily in an affair right now had he agreed. No contact is an obvious boundary to set - but no, I would not say that YOU need to set a boundary, your wife needed to set a boundary and she failed to do that. I also agree that you are focused on the wrong problem here… your wife has told you that she is not in love with you anymore. That is a huge problem for your marriage. Edited July 29, 2022 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted July 29, 2022 Share Posted July 29, 2022 Yes, an emotional affair can be one-sided. Do some research on "limerance." In this case, it sounds like OM was crossing some boundaries because there were lengthy phone calls and a lot of messages where they vented about their personal lives. So I wouldn't say it was all one-sided, though of course OM declined to make it a traditional affair. 13 hours ago, StuckDad said: 2 years later, and I have poured my soul and heart into this marriage, romance, excitement, discovery, love, family time, all the things we did when we first fell in love in our early days but with the kids included. Recently we started couples counselling, but before our approaching session came she said she loves me, but is not in love with me anymore. AND, she has feelings for our joint friend still, but its all on her side she hasn't communicated this to him. I admire your efforts to give the marriage your all. Unfortunately, your wife has not reciprocated and instead has told you she's not in love with you and still has feelings for OM. So I would start pulling back emotionally. This is not to punish her or to get her to notice you . . . this is to protect yourself from further hurt from someone who isn't acting like your wife. Stop pouring so much into the marriage and wait and see what she does . . . you can't do 100% of the work. Now in full disclosure I often give advice to put aside resentment and be the kind of spouse you'd want to have, but that's when a marriage seems salvageable. Yours may be, but you'd need a partner who isn't giving you the ILYBINILWY speech while she's pining for another man. So this is a period to put on your own oxygen mask and lean into your supports outside of the marriage while you see if she can make an effort deserving of your commitment to one another. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ItsTheDay Posted July 29, 2022 Share Posted July 29, 2022 39 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Otherwise known as a crush. I think it can be normal for people to have a crush, but not to this extreme. I don't think having a crush can result/contribute in someone falling out of love with their partner/husband or wife. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 29, 2022 Share Posted July 29, 2022 (edited) 15 hours ago, StuckDad said: So my question for the masses, can emotional infidelity be one sided? And if it is only one sided, is this easier to deal with during marriage recovery? I love my wife, our family is my world, and I do not want to break things apart. But I am having a hard time deciding how firm I need to be on how bad this situation really got since it was only one sided. Sure it's possible for someone to have feelings, even be in love with someone they barely know or where it isn't reciprocated. "Unrequited love" is common enough to be a romantic cliche, and of course that can happen to a married/partnered person as well, particularly if they're no longer strongly emotionally invested in their partner. The dysfunction of the situation/un-attainability of the person actually sometimes heightens the emotional impact. As to what to do about, I guess you will have to decide for yourself. If "no action was taken", that's a positive, however it's certainly not a positive for your spouse to be telling you they feel in love with someone else. Points for honesty about it, but still. If you think that IF HE HAD been interested in reciprocating that something would have happened between them, then that is a factor to be considered as well. But - are you (potentially) e.g. divorcing/breaking up your family over something that could have happened, but didn't? So a tough call in that aspect of "what to do about it now". Some people would quickly know they're either done with the marriage or interested in forgiving and forgetting. But - if you're not in either of those camps, I guess you are left wondering and/or "sorting it out", unfortunately. Edited July 29, 2022 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MickeyBill Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 On 7/28/2022 at 4:24 PM, StuckDad said: Recently we started couples counselling, but before our approaching session came she said she loves me, but is not in love with me anymore. AND, she has feelings for our joint friend still, but its all on her side she hasn't communicated this to him. ...I love my wife, our family is my world, and I do not want to break things apart. But I am having a hard time deciding how firm I need to be on how bad this situation really got since it was only one sided. Many thanks for reading. Sorry to say this but she already broke things. You need to be pretty firm on what you want. Obviously you want a wife who loves you, she says she doesn't and was looking elsewhere... Can you trust her? I would say not right now. Although your marriage might not be great, she chose to turn to another dude, you were faithful... It is up to her to fix the s***show she created. Looks like you are both in one sided relationships. You love your wife and family. She is not in love with you. She loves a fantasy man who is not interested in her. The big thing is that she no longer loves you, maybe she convinced herself that when she was going for the other man but she actually said those words to you. She cannot un-say them. This guy was enjoying some flirty banter with your wife but was not willing to get too involved as far as you know. But the next guy / friend she starts texting and talking about her lousy marriage my take her up on it and become her affair partner, or maybe she will runnoff with him. And as far as invading her privacy? It is like you smelled smoke in the house. You were looking everywhere for the fire. Looks like you found it. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 On 7/28/2022 at 4:45 PM, StuckDad said: Wow, thanks for the fast replies all. I will try to answer as much as I can. When the issue first came up with my wife I found many messages each day and long phone calls. But when I confronted her, it stopped. in fact contact has only been when we were all together at friends events. I still monitor things (joint phone account) and messages are quite rare now, and just back to normal communication before this flared up. But I do agree with the early comments that consequences are needed, I have since asked her to stay at her parents for a few days whilst I get my head around this (and I remain at home with the family). I know I have done nothing wrong, she is in counselling (as am I), and we are starting marriage counselling. She has said she wants to make this work, I just need to get my head around is it just a crush at a time of depression, and should I not be so hard on her... or is it just the same thing, bringing these OM feelings into a marriage and a healthy family. Oh to answer yes, my wife is friends with the mans wife also, and has caught up with her and other mums occasionally. What I do feel I need to set, is boundaries if she says she is committed to resolving our marriage and keeping the family together. I don't feel it is unreasonable to ask for no further contact with him, and I am tempted to raise in our next joint counselling session. No, it’s not unreasonable to ask her not to have further contact with the couple. There were lots of boundaries crossed here in both marriages. Once that trust is broken it isn’t ever the same and it sounds like she’s always had feelings for him. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 I think you need to inform the guy's wife about what has been going on between your wife and her husband. She thinks your wife is her friend and that is not the case. Also it's best to expose this if you plan to stay together and put an end to her communication with this guy. His wife will be on high alert to make sure it ends. Sorry if your wife doesn't like that but she is the one who started this ----show, she has to live with the consequences. Do not let her continue communication with this man. BTW, he's not your friend either and shouldn't be trusted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 (edited) On 7/28/2022 at 5:08 PM, StuckDad said: Messages between him, literally lots of fun and banter about life, I was mentioned often (positively). Messages with her best friend, saying she is lost and didnt know what to do about these feelings. Her friend said, you have to get it off your chest, so she told the other guy one day. Then she wrote that he said he was flattered, and if she had acted before she met me things may be different, but he said he's married now, and committed to his family. I even saw comments about her talks with her psych, and they were addressing it as a shiny new toy, a bit of an obsession, but her intent was to try to surpesss the feelings and focus on her marriage.... Suggest you talk to a lawyer before sharing any texts JIC your jurisdiction has laws that apply to a case like this (e.g. you shouldn't be reading his texts without his consent or showing them to his wife, etc). Not saying that is the case, but it's something to check JIC. Many family lawyers in the US will give free 1/2 hour consultations where you could probably get a question like this answered. While there is apparently little to show here, it would be understandable for his wife to ask they no longer contact each other as a potential threat to their marriage. If his wife were to flip out over what is essentially friendship, and then your wife developing feelings and him essentially fending her off, well in that case IMO she doesn't deserve him. However, since it might cause problems in their marriage, suggest you think carefully and deliberately before you go showing other folks' private texts around. Edited July 31, 2022 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 Actually you don't have to show his wife anything, you can just tell her what you found. Let her deal with her husband from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts