Is this merely petty or is it a sentimental gesture?

[Alpacalia]

A man I have been dating recently received a promotion at work, and I wanted to do something meaningful to celebrate with him. With the help of his family and friends, I planned a small surprise party for him. The two of them went out a bit after I left, since I was pretty tired, and went out to continue celebrating.

One thing that is kind of weird is that a few days later, when he and I were just lying around, snoozing and all that, I noticed my initial was on his left ankle. I laughed it off, thinking it was just something he drew in a pen to be cute, but I went to rub it off and it didn't move. In his words, he and his best friend went for drinks after the party and he had it tattooed.

Getting inked for someone you're dating isn't really something we discussed. Even so, I have no idea if that tattoo existed before we started dating. Maybe he dated someone with the same initials before?

He also leaves items of his behind sometimes when he comes over, like his socks or undershirt.

Since we're older, I'm a little concerned about the tattoo thing. Isn't that what the younger folks do? Otherwise, he is great, and we have been getting along well. This just came out of left field.

Would it make any sense for you to have someone's name tattooed on your body without even considering what they might think about it?

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I noticed my initial was on his left ankle. In his words, he and his best friend went for drinks after the party and he had it tattooed. I have no idea if that tattoo existed before we started dating. Maybe he dated someone with the same initials before?

Is the tattoo new or not?

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is the tattoo new or not?

He said it was brand new.

His ankle was never something I paid much attention to before, and I only noticed my initial tattoo on his ankle a few days after the party. It is a very tiny/minimal tattoo, so you hardly notice it.

[ShyViolet]

I'm really confused.  So you don't know for sure if the tattoo is about you, you're just assuming?  It is a tattoo of a single letter?

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, ShyViolet said:

I'm really confused.  So you don't know for sure if the tattoo is about you, you're just assuming?  It is a tattoo of a single letter?

He told me he had gotten it after the party when he went out with his best friend after I left.

My first notice of the tattoo came a few days after the party.

His reason for it was that he thought it would be a sweet gesture if he tattooed my initial (the first letter of my first name) on his ankle. 

 

[Happy Lemming]

I was under the impression that it takes 2-3 weeks for a tattoo to heal.  If the ankle area (where the tattoo is) isn't all red and angry looking, then the tattoo isn't recent.  You are a nurse, a tattoo is like a wound... the ink and needles disturb the skin, does it look like a recent wound??

As for the socks and underwear... did he miss picking them up when he was leaving??  I was always careful when I stayed over at a woman's house that I keep all my clothing together, whatever I took off, I put back on in the morning when I left.  Unless he brought over extra clothes, how do you leave someone's home without putting on socks and underwear/undershirt??

If a woman stayed over my house, my rule was always "pack out, what you pack in" -- similar to hiking/camping.  Leave no trace...

I never liked anyone leaving stuff at my home... almost like they are marking their territory.  Nope, you have your home and I have mine.  Take your clothes, etc. home with you.

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I was under the impression that it takes 2-3 weeks for a tattoo to heal.  If the ankle area (where the tattoo is) isn't all red and angry looking, then the tattoo isn't recent.  You are a nurse, a tattoo is like a wound... the ink and needles disturb the skin...

^This is correct.  My new hubs has several, a couple within the last few months and they took approximately three weeks to a month to fully heal.

That right there should tell the OP it wasn't recent and if he said it was, he was lying.

 

[FMW]

I would think, as @Happy Lemmingnoted, that a tattoo that was only a few days old would still show redness and irritation.  I think there's a good chance that it was there before he met you.  A single initial could easily apply to someone else.  But then I will admit I tend to be kind of suspicious of things that don't quite add up.  I don't know why he would lie about it though, so there's room to wonder.  If it was indeed done because of you, I would find it a little weird if you haven't been dating long.  I don't have tattoos and I don't know what proper protocol is, but I wouldn't necessarily expect someone to talk to someone else ahead of time before getting the tattoo.  

As for leaving things at your house, if it happens on a regular basis I would tend to think he is trying to mark his territory, or at the very least make sure you don't forget about him.  But if his home has things left out and not put away, maybe he's just kind of messy and doesn't notice things.  Start gathering up anything he's left and making a point of giving it back to him the next time you see him.  He should get the hint. 

Depending on how long you've been dating, I would just keep an eye open for patterns.  It seems that right now you're not really liking what you're seeing.  

[poppyfields]

51 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

He told me he had gotten it after the party when he went out with his best friend after I left.

My frst notice of the tattoo came a few days after the party.

Given it takes weeks to fully heal, something sounds off.

You sure it was a real tattoo?  

 

Edited July 29, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

38 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I was under the impression that it takes 2-3 weeks for a tattoo to heal.  If the ankle area (where the tattoo is) isn't all red and angry looking, then the tattoo isn't recent.  You are a nurse, a tattoo is like a wound... the ink and needles disturb the skin, does it look like a recent wound??

As for the socks and underwear... did he miss picking them up when he was leaving??  I was always careful when I stayed over at a woman's house that I keep all my clothing together, whatever I took off, I put back on in the morning when I left.  Unless he brought over extra clothes, how do you leave someone's home without putting on socks and underwear/undershirt??

If a woman stayed over my house, my rule was always "pack out, what you pack in" -- similar to hiking/camping.  Leave no trace...

I never liked anyone leaving stuff at my home... almost like they are marking their territory.  Nope, you have your home and I have mine.  Take your clothes, etc. home with you.

The tattoo is super small one-ink color (almost looks like it's drawn in pen) and I noticed it almost a week later. It did look a little red around it and crusty.

By the way, I am not a Nurse. I am going to school for diagnostic imaging.

A friend had a tiny star on her wrist few years back it looked fine a few days later.

But you never know!

The undershirt and socks things is odd. It's not at the same time, one time it was socks and another time it was his undershirt. I just figured he forgot.

 

[NuevoYorko]

[ ] 

A tiny, one or 2 letter tattoo does not need to have much inflammation at all.  Some people heal fast.

Anyway - maybe the guy was a bit tipsy when he got the tattoo?  I probably would be a little taken aback if someone I was dating did that, unless I was confident we were on the same page about the level of our relationship.  A bit awkward if you think of him as a fairly casual date (you did not refer to him as your boyfriend) and he thinks of you as THE ONE.  How do you feel about that?

Edited July 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[poppyfields]

35 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

The tattoo is super small one-ink color (almost looks like it's drawn in pen) and I noticed it almost a week later. It did look a little red around it and crusty.

Thank you @Alpacaliafor providing this additional information, context is important.

Wrong or right, without having all the relevant information, I think it's natural to make assumptions based on our own experiences, experiences of those we know and general information we discover by doing our own research.  So again thank you.

I think given this new info, it's safe to assume he is most likely being truthful and you are entitled to feel however you feel about it.  It's difficult if not impossible know what his motivation was without knowing him and speaking with him.

Assuming you like him, I wish you luck and hope it all works out the way you hope!!

 

 

Edited July 29, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

It's his ankle. It wouldn't bother me. His prerogative. Also his problem if you both break up. I'm sure he feels he can cover it up with something else and it's not a big deal.

Regarding fresh tattoos, they tend to have residual ink on the surface as the skin heals and scabs. You can very clearly tell between a fresh tattoo (within a day or two) and an older tattoo. Ankle area tattoos tend to fade over time due to exposure to sun and the elements, same like any other body part exposed to the sun. It won't look like it does now in a couple of years or a few years.

Depending on his healing time he may not have any redness around the area. Initials sound like only linework and sounds small. A tattoo can look healed within a few days to a week but will not be fully healed for a couple of weeks. Expect fading as it heals and the scabs fall off pulling some of the ink. That's why it's recommended to moisturize and follow any instructions from the artist. 

 

 

Edited July 29, 2022 by glows

[Happy Lemming]

@Alpacalia  Sorry... I thought you were a nurse, my bad. 

Until I read that the area was red and crusty, I started thinking about semi-permanent tattoos or henna/India Ink tattoos, where it is not permanent.  I have seen individuals get these henna tattoos for special occasions then the tattoo wears off after approximately 2-4 weeks.

As a side note... I would be freaked out if a woman tattooed my name or initials or anything about me on her body.  It's like she is making assumptions that I'm going to be around forever and ever, like the tattoo.

Edited July 29, 2022 by Happy Lemming

[flitzanu]

you tried to wipe/rub off the tattoo when you saw it on the ankle?  the reaction of pain should have told you if it is real or not, if it was under a week old, it's roughly the same sensation of you rubbing or slapping a severe sunburn.

what gets me though, is no respectable tattoo parlor would never (should never) tattoo someone that has been drinking.  that detail is what would make me question if the story is true or not.  that's potentially major health code violations depending on laws, regulations, whatever.

 

[Tullyseptember]

If it's just one letter it really can stand for anything if the dating doesn't pan out!

I don't think I would be bothered by just one letter...as long as my boundaries are in place that little tattoo won't mean a thing!

[Lotsgoingon]

I think you're right to feel weird about this.  Sounds like you don't feel the tattoo fits the relationship or the way he's acting with you. Or perhaps you think it was an immature gesture--yes, like high school. 

Stay with your feelings on this. Doesn't sound to me that he explained this to you in a way that settled your nerves. That can be a red flag. You don't want to waste time thinking of unimportant stuff, but if he doesn't explain his action clearly (in a way that makes sense to you), it's hard to avoid thinking about it.

I'm just not getting that this guy is very clear and communicative with his feelings. And yes, there's something--I'll just say it--borderline adolescent about someone older getting a job promotion and then randomly getting drunk and getting a tattoo. 

And why weren't you--the partner and the person who organized the celebration--the one he topped off the night with? That doesn't work for me that he hung out later with this friend. I can't point to any "rule" here, but seems to me the appropriate thing to do--or the thing he'd WANT to do--is to have you be the last person he spends close time with, on the night that you organize a celebration for him.

Lots of strangeness here. None of it necessarily fatal. But I don't know ...

 

 

[glows]

It may be better to decide whether you’re compatible overall. If you are already calling what he does immature or what younger people do, you’ve lost respect for this man. Didn’t he also lie early on about getting you to date him calling himself a dog groomer? He may be big on the charm but not what you’re looking for.

It’s much kinder letting him go rather than dragging this out if you can’t accept who he is.

Edited July 30, 2022 by glows

[Alpacalia]

Just a couple of things, I chose to go home after the small party because I was pretty tired.

He asked me to come with him and his best friend, but I was super tired and had to get up early the following morning, so I declined. Intoxication is unlikely in his case, since he rarely drinks. While he and his best friend were at the pub afterwards, he said he and his friend were talking about me and some other stuff.

When they were walking back, he went into an art parlor and had it done.

@NuevoYorko

Many thanks! It definitely caught me off guard at first. The two of us have discussed our relationship, and we both agreed (before this rolled around) that we are both looking forward to our relationship evolving and developing organically.

Currently, I feel we are in a very good place, spending a lot of time together, chatting on the phone regularly, meeting up with people who are important to us, and we are both open about our feelings to one another, so it has all turned out really well, everything is running smoothly. I adore him and he has on more than one occasion indicated the same thing.

@Happy Lemming

It was an easy mistake (the nurse's comment). No worries at all!

I was as surprised as you were by it myself, because it's not henna. It's so small that it's barely noticeable, especially when he has socks on (the socks that he seems to forget about left at my house, lol).

@glows

I don't recall being condescending to him or dissecting his choices. 

I was just trying to understand his decision to do it a bit more. 

With the dog groomer incident - I was walking my dog at the same park as him, and when I passed him, he said hello, saying my dog was super cute, and that he would love to groom him because he does it on the side. In response, he gave me his number, and I contacted him, and he told me he was just kidding about doing the dog grooming, he couldn't come up with a way to exchange numbers point blank.

All of the comments have been greatly appreciated. Thank you! I'm sure I'll be talking about this with him some more at some point.

[ExpatInItaly]

When I had my last small tatttoo done years ago, there was almost no healing time needed nor was the area particularly sensitive after. It was a little tender for a couple days and that was it.  I therefore wouldn't assume he is necessarily lying about it being new. 

However, I would be a little alarmed that a man I'm not in a relationship with tattooed anything related to me. How long have you been seeing each other?

Edited July 30, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

 

@glows'm sure I'll be talking about this with him some more at some point.

Ask him. It's his body to do whatever he wants with. It's not a "couple's decision". Didn't you already discuss it and his explanation was "he was drunk"?

Why does it concern you? Are you offended or flattered? Tattoos are permanent so if it bothers you, all you can do is ask him to revise it with more ink. But again, it's his body to do what he wants with.

Edited July 30, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

10 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Just a couple of things, I chose to go home after the small party because I was pretty tired.

He asked me to come with him and his best friend, but I was super tired and had to get up early the following morning, so I declined. Intoxication is unlikely in his case, since he rarely drinks. While he and his best friend were at the pub afterwards, he said he and his friend were talking about me and some other stuff.

When they were walking back, he went into an art parlor and had it done.

@NuevoYorko

Many thanks! It definitely caught me off guard at first. The two of us have discussed our relationship, and we both agreed (before this rolled around) that we are both looking forward to our relationship evolving and developing organically.

Currently, I feel we are in a very good place, spending a lot of time together, chatting on the phone regularly, meeting up with people who are important to us, and we are both open about our feelings to one another, so it has all turned out really well, everything is running smoothly. I adore him and he has on more than one occasion indicated the same thing.

@Happy Lemming

It was an easy mistake (the nurse's comment). No worries at all!

I was as surprised as you were by it myself, because it's not henna. It's so small that it's barely noticeable, especially when he has socks on (the socks that he seems to forget about left at my house, lol).

@glows

I don't recall being condescending to him or dissecting his choices. 

I was just trying to understand his decision to do it a bit more. 

With the dog groomer incident - I was walking my dog at the same park as him, and when I passed him, he said hello, saying my dog was super cute, and that he would love to groom him because he does it on the side. In response, he gave me his number, and I contacted him, and he told me he was just kidding about doing the dog grooming, he couldn't come up with a way to exchange numbers point blank.

All of the comments have been greatly appreciated. Thank you! I'm sure I'll be talking about this with him some more at some point.

With all due respect, then what was the issue to start with? You had reservations to start, did reference that “tattoo thing” as something younger people do. It was condescending to him and suggesting that his actions are immature. You are entitled to the way you feel and I mentioned lack of respect because that doesn’t bode well in relationships. Regardless it’s completely fine to feel taken aback or disturbed. What isn’t ok is running into incompatibilities early on, disliking a partner’s choices and ignoring those issues or initial gut feelings. 

A tattoo does not prevent a person from ending a relationship that isn’t working out. And for those with no tattoos it would make sense not understanding that tattoos often evolve over time and change with new tattoos, designs, cover ups where applicable. It can also be lasered off easily especially regarding simple and small pieces such as the one described. It is his body and it’s his choice. There is no tattoo etiquette that suggests you need anyone’s permission to tattoo a design, name or image, of someone else. 

Yes, getting the answer from him is best and it helps clarify any questions you have about his thought process. I am glad that you’re both in a good place. Only time will tell if you’re incompatible in the long run. 

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

His reason for it was that he thought it would be a sweet gesture if he tattooed my initial (the first letter of my first name) on his ankle. 

Ok so you already discussed it and he claims it was new and he and his buddies got drunk and decided to go do this. What, exactly, disturbs you about it? Do you think going drinking and getting a tattoo on a whim is reckless/impulsive behavior? Or do you feel it's inappropriate for the stage of dating you're in?

[smackie9]

So he got drunk with his friend and both got little tattoos? Sorry but I think that's pretty funny and I'm 58 years old. The thing I realized about people when I started into my twenties...they never really grow up past junior high. They must have felt like teenagers again, and it made some fond memories for them that night. It's called living life and enjoying it.

[Alpacalia]

8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

So he got drunk with his friend and both got little tattoos? Sorry but I think that's pretty funny and I'm 58 years old. The thing I realized about people when I started into my twenties...they never really grow up past junior high. They must have felt like teenagers again, and it made some fond memories for them that night. It's called living life and enjoying it.

He mentioned he had a couple beers.

But yes, I guess that's a good way to look at it.

A couple of guys hanging out and having a little fun together!

Edited July 30, 2022 by Alpacalia