Is this merely petty or is it a sentimental gesture?

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Getting inked for someone you're dating isn't really something we discussed. to have someone's name tattooed on your body without even considering what they might think about it?

His body, his choice. 

[Alpacalia]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

His body, his choice. 

Yes Wiseman, I know.

Thank you.

[Happy Lemming]

I do remember being friends with this Lesbian couple a few years back.  They hadn't been dating all that long, but "S" had "A"'s name tattooed on her upper forearm with some flowery design around it.  "A" was insanely angry as she felt "S" had done this to "nail her down" or "advance the relationship" when it was still in the early stages.

I do know this tattoo business was a factor in them breaking up, but there were other problems, as well. 

"S" just became "head over heels" in love with "A" and thought this was a good idea.  Maybe to prove her love for "A" she did the tattoo??

"A" did express that she felt "S" had stolen her name... It would not have mattered to "A" if "S" just got a regular flower tattoo, it was just the fact that she used "A"'s name in it.

 

 

[Gaeta]

It would weird me out and probably lower my attraction toward him but that's me. Getting a tattoo, and a bad one it sounds, and out of some art shop he has not previously researched, just scream irresponsible to me. Even my teenager wouldn't do that when drunk. 

But, he's your boyfriend so you decide if his qualities outweigh his weirdness.

[ShyViolet]

I would be very weirded out if someone who I have not been dating long got a tattoo of my initial.  It's up to you to decide if he seems like an impulsive or immature person, or if you are ok with this.

Yes ultimately it's his body and his choice.  If you break up, it would be very easy for him to cover it up since it's just a small letter.

And the comments about tattoos taking "weeks" to heal are incorrect.  I have a lot of tattoos.  I have a 3/4 sleeve on my right arm.  A tattoo generally takes about a week to heal.  A small tattoo, like just a letter, would take a few days.

[poppyfields]

Everyone's healing time is different, there is no correct or incorrect.

One of my hub's larger tattoos took several weeks to fully heal (even though outwardly it appeared to be healed) and was sensitive to touch for a couple of months.

Another took less time, 1-2 weeks. 

@AlpacaliaI'm getting the sense you want it to mean something.

Sounds like you're quite into him but still a bit uncertain of his feelings? 

So this thread is your way of determining if it does or might  mean something? 

I'm speculating but that's the sense I'm getting.  I could be wrong. 

How long have you been dating, are you exclusive?

 

[glows]

A larger tattoo may take months to heal as it requires several sessions. And that’s besides the point as healing time is different between each session for every individual. Most artists will not schedule you in sooner than six weeks inbetween sessions for the body to heal sufficiently to withstand more trauma to the area where going over lines again or areas are needed. It may look like redness has reduced or swelling has gone down on the surface but full healing within a few days is usually not the case.

 

Edited July 30, 2022 by glows

[Alpacalia]

Many thanks.

To respond to a few of your main points, specifically @ShyViolet yes, I admit I found the decision to get my name initial tattoo a touch peculiar. Perhaps premature.

We've only been dating for a little over four months.

So, yes, perhaps I viewed it as a tad immature or impetuous.

Surely it's his body and his choice, but as previously mentioned, it caught me by surprise at first.

I don't mean to infer that he needs permission. It was heartwarming to see his facial expression and his eyes light up when we were both lazing around, and I first noticed it. I asked him, "what's up with that?" and we shared some very affectionate (and funny) remarks. Then he kissed my forehead.

It's a mystery to me. Who knows, he might just be a quirky person. 

Fortunately it's not on his bum bum. 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

We've only been dating for a little over four months. perhaps I viewed it as a tad immature or impetuous. I asked him, "what's up with that?" and we shared some very affectionate (and funny) remarks. Then he kissed my forehead.

It sounds like he's into you even in his own impulsive quirky sort of way. Maybe  each year he'll add a letter until your full name is there? A L P A C A L I A all the way across?😍🖍🖌🖊🖋✒

Edited July 30, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It sounds like he's into you even in his own impulsive quirky sort of way. 

Oh, that was never a question. 

 

[smackie9]

Hey if it doesn't work out, he can always tattoo over the tattoo.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Hey if it doesn't work out, he can always tattoo over the tattoo.

Absolutely. Remember the Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton fiasco? They thought it was cute until they both had to tattoo stuff over them when they got divorced.

Maybe a necklace or weekend getaway would have been a better surprise after dating 4 mos? At least it's something tangible and enjoyable for you. Is that why you were upset? 

All you can do is take note of impulsive high risk behaviors and decide if that's exciting or worrisome for you.

PS. I agree with @Happy Lemming. that he needs to pick up after himself.

 

Edited July 31, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

If we had been together longer I would probably feel differently. It's a big thing to get a permanent alteration done to your body, especially in someone else's name.

When I ask myself whether he was honestly concerned about the effects it had on me, or if it was a romantic gesture for me, wouldn't he have tested the waters first? Like I understand that it's good to do something for yourself. He has my full support in whatever he does with his body, but it seems odd that he didn't even test the water before jumping in.  On the other end - the gesture, which I know he meant to be a kindness to me, can be viewed as a way to tell me how important I am to him. Even if the idea isn't the best one. A societal taboo surrounds it for good reason. The skin on his body is forever, but my relationship with him isn't. Kind of like bad juju.

It's nice that he leaves his undershirt behind (I like to wear it because it smells like him). 

The socks have to go. It's gross.  🦨💨😷

Edited July 31, 2022 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

The skin on his body is forever, but my relationship with him isn't. Kind of like bad juju.

 

Not necessarily.  The moment that he thought of you and got that done on an impulse will probably always be a concise memory for him - like a souvenir.   

 

[Mrin]

So... The good news is you get to decide what this means to you. On the one hand you can be kind of creeped out by it. Or you can see it as some sort of sign ofred flag impulsiveness. Or, on the other hand, you can take this as affirmation as to where you stand with him. In any dating relationship there are times of uncertainty as to whether the other person is is into you as you may have thought. That's just normal. So, you can always just look at this as knowing exactly how into you he is. Even if it was just an impulsive first initial of your first name, the fact that he doesn't have any other tattoos means he really likes you. A lot. That's just not lip service... He got a tattoo. And in a way that's pretty cool to know. 

So it's up to you.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

 I know he meant to be a kindness to me, can be viewed as a way to tell me how important I am to him.  but my relationship with him isn't.

There's a million things he could have done to show he cares.

Getting a tattoo on a night out drinking is about impulsive behaviors and poor judgement. It's not about you, nor any type of "kindness" or gift.

At 4 mos. in it's good you're observing and considering questionable actions.

Ask yourself what you would rather have than a headache like this. Instead of something you could enjoy such as a gift, it's caused you to wonder.

 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Not necessarily.  The moment that he thought of you and got that done on an impulse will probably always be a concise memory for him - like a souvenir.   

 

Yes, I suppose so. This is the first tattoo he has ever had.

4 hours ago, Mrin said:

So... The good news is you get to decide what this means to you. On the one hand you can be kind of creeped out by it. Or you can see it as some sort of sign ofred flag impulsiveness. Or, on the other hand, you can take this as affirmation as to where you stand with him. In any dating relationship there are times of uncertainty as to whether the other person is is into you as you may have thought. That's just normal. So, you can always just look at this as knowing exactly how into you he is. Even if it was just an impulsive first initial of your first name, the fact that he doesn't have any other tattoos means he really likes you. A lot. That's just not lip service... He got a tattoo. And in a way that's pretty cool to know. 

So it's up to you.

Sometimes I can be fickle, and I try to let others know about it. 

He asked me what I thought of the whole tattoo thing. I told him I felt uneasy about it.

In a recent conversation, he said he didn't intend to freak me out. The two of them had been talking that evening about how much he enjoys being with me and how much he liked the idea of inscribing my initial.

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's a million things he could have done to show he cares.

Getting a tattoo on a night out drinking is about impulsive behaviors and poor judgement. It's not about you, nor any type of "kindness" or gift.

At 4 mos. in it's good you're observing and considering questionable actions.

Ask yourself what you would rather have than a headache like this. Instead of something you could enjoy such as a gift, it's caused you to wonder.

 

Thank you for being helpful, and I appreciate it.

I'll say it one last time: he was sober.

I spoke with him after he got home that evening. Intoxication was not a factor. He mentioned he had something to show me (a surprise), so I think the tattoo was it.

To my mind, he has shown ample concern for me. Without it, our relationship would not exist. Our weekend getaways. When I stay at his house, I get allergies. He spent an entire day stocking up on cleaning supplies and scrubbing his house for me the next time I was there, and purchased hypoallergenic bedding and towels for me. There's other things but just throwing that out there because I don't view him as someone that doesn't (or hasn't) demonstrated that he cares.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

It's good you're looking at things more critically and objectively at the 4 mo. mark. 

There seems to be a pattern of overinvesting on your part such as throwing a party for him and disrespectful behaviors on his part. 

You throw a party for him and his response:  "you go on home alone, I'm grabbing beers with my friends".

He leaves dirty laundry at your place, but you seem impressed that he bought himself new sheets and cleaned his own place.

His tattoo (no one said he was drunk, you claimed he was going out for beers) is a testament to his foolhardiness and poor judgement, its not a commitment to anything.

Perhaps in time you'll step back and accept more reasonable behavior rather than the headaches of wondering why he would get a tattoo.

Edited August 1, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you're looking at things more critically and objectively at the 4 mo. mark. 

There seems to be a pattern of overinvesting on your part such as throwing a party for him and disrespectful behaviors on his part. 

You throw a party for him and his response:  "you go on home alone, I'm grabbing beers with my friends".

He leaves dirty laundry at your place, but you seem impressed that he bought himself new sheets and cleaned his own place.

His tattoo (no one said he was drunk, you claimed he was going out for beers) is a testament to his foolhardiness and poor judgement, its not a commitment to anything.

Perhaps in time you'll step back and accept more reasonable behavior rather than the headaches of wondering why he would get a tattoo.

Over-investing? Perhaps you're mistaken. 

I made a couple calls and bought a few decorations for his job promotion gathering.  His family/friends did everything for the most part.

I'm not the one that branded my skin. 

Are you actually reading my comments?

I chose to go home.

He asked me to join with him and I declined. I also declined him coming home with me.

Taking the time to allergy-proof your home (a home that is already very clean) buying special bedding, towels, and numerous other things made especially for someone with allergies so that the woman that you are dating can feel comfortable is hardly disrespectful behavior. That was ONE example. 

I don't recall bringing up the "taking our relationship to a deeper, more committed level". He did. The day I noticed my initial on his ankle. I like where we're at at four months (minus this incident) and I prefer to stay in this place at this pace for now.

Yes, you might be right if you consider tattooing someone's initials on their own body without their permission as disrespectful.

 

 

Edited August 1, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

if you consider tattooing someone's initials on their own body without their permission as disrespectful.

Just trying to help with insight. Have you articulated to him specifically what upsets you about it? Not that it can be changed now but perhaps communicate clearly about your mixed feelings on it. I do not think whatever he does to his body is "disrespectful", just foolish under the circumstances. There are a million ways he could have thanked/surprised you that would not have been this questionable.

[Happy Lemming]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's a million things he could have done to show he cares.

 

I was thinking along the same lines... A small piece of jewelry, a nice bottle of wine, a signed copy of her favorite book, a DVD of her favorite movie... something like that.

I do remember when I first started dating "V", she mentioned this old "black and white" movie she loved and hadn't seen in years.  I had never heard of it, but I did some research and found it on DVD -- so I ordered a copy. "V" was both happy & surprised to receive it. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just trying to help with insight. Have you articulated to him specifically what upsets you about it? Not that it can be changed now but perhaps communicate clearly about your mixed feelings on it. I do not think whatever he does to his body is "disrespectful", just foolish under the circumstances. There are a million ways he could have thanked/surprised you that would not have been this questionable.

Thanks.

I have, briefly.

I'll think about it some more perhaps after I return from vacation with my friends that's coming up. I just want to enjoy myself before school starts again.

52 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I was thinking along the same lines... A small piece of jewelry, a nice bottle of wine, a signed copy of her favorite book, a DVD of her favorite movie... something like that.

I do remember when I first started dating "V", she mentioned this old "black and white" movie she loved and hadn't seen in years.  I had never heard of it, but I did some research and found it on DVD -- so I ordered a copy. "V" was both happy & surprised to receive it. 

Certainly thoughtful tokens to receive. I have received similar type of things from him in the past.

That is why I am not too concerned about it.

Thanks peeps!

I really appreciate all the advice I've received.

Edited August 1, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Weezy1973]

In my mind it’s not really a thing. It’s possible he’s more invested in the relationship at this point than you are or his feelings have escalated more than yours, but four months in, I’m not too worried. You’re transitioning from dating into a relationship and than can mean different things to different people. 
 

Had he gotten the tattoo after the  first date, then for sure, red flag.

[Alpacalia]

Thanks @Weezy1973.

Though it may have come from a sincere and good place, I thought it might be a red flag because it seems needy and hasty. I don't see why one would need to have gone to such lengths after four months of dating? Maybe that's part of it.

A man once told me after a few weeks that he was in love with me, and I stopped seeing him since I felt he was being disingenuous. In retrospect, I'm glad I called it off when I did.

Edited August 2, 2022 by Alpacalia

[poppyfields]

@Alpacaliado you have a fear of commitment? 

I ask because (1) you said you're older but yet admittedly still fickle, (2) based on the many threads you've created, you  seem to have many men interested in and smitten with you but yet you are still single and prefer non-commital/casual relationships, (3) and even this guy, who at first I thought you were uncertain about (his feelings), now it appears (your own words) you find him too needy and hasty (translation: thirsty, desperate) and you are turning what should be a somewhat insignificant event into something major and dramatic -   analyzing, dissecting, slicing and dicing until there is nothing left.  

This is what people with commitment fears do.  I used to do same thing myself when I struggled with commitment fears, so I know how it goes. 

My sense now is you are considering dumping him for this, he's just too thirsty and needy for your taste.  You are turned off by it.

I am not judging you at all, as I said, I struggled with same fears.  

If I am wrong I apologize, but if I'm not, if there is even a shred of truth to what I wrote, own it and stop blaming him for being "immature, impulsive, needy and hasty."

He got a tiny tattoo with your initial after a party, big whoop.

Why not have a good laugh with him about it!?  Why does it have to mean something?  What are you so afraid of? 

If you've lost interest, if you find him immature, impulsive, needy, hasty, thirsty, desperate, then just dump him.

It's really that simple.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 2, 2022 by poppyfields