Healing from an open-ended split

[rosean]

Late last year I shared my relationship struggles with my partner at the time who was non-committal and slow to process their emotions. 

A lot happened since then, including him revealing he was in fact in love with me (he said he knew it because he had that feeling with his ex...) but didn't want to say it because he knew he couldn't commit to the expectations and responsibilities of a relationship. He was seeking professional help for his personal issues and refused to give up on us. It was on and off for several months until I lost all hope and he couldn't cope anymore. He asked me multiple times if we should check in in three months time to see how we were feeling and I told him not until he was ready to commit. 

Up until the last hour I saw him he wanted to fix it. He dropped me off at work, panicking that I wasn't speaking to him... asked to call and talk it over but I walked off and haven't spoken in three months... 

I've been trying to move on and it's been extremely difficult. I've had dates since with men that are lovely but not compatible with, and it doesn't help that I feel horrible after each date and put off by the thought of things escalating physically. I've had nightmares about settling and even jilting someone at the altar! I had been looking for someone suitable for years and feel crushed this didn't stick. 

I've never experienced an open-ended breakup before and am finding my emotions go up and down constantly. I love my ex like crazy, I'm angry at him, I resent him, I care for him more than anyone and I hope he's healing and doing better. I have thoughts of vengeance too but could never act on them. I'm hurt, angry, my ego is bruised, I feel rejected.

How do you heal from an open-ended breakup? 

[Mrin]

You are in love with a possibility not a reality. The man you pine over doesn't exist. He's you ex as you wanted him to be, not the real ex you had. You realize that right? 

I hear you on closure though. I would be half tempted to send him a note closing the door. Yeah it's messy and kind of weird but this is the only closure you're going to get. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, rosean said:

How do you heal from an open-ended breakup? 

I'm curious about the wording here. Why do you consider this to be open-ended? 

It sounds like it ended definitively when you realized he wasn't going to commit. He hasn't reached out to indicate otherwise. Therefore, I don't think it's open-ended. You closed that door when you walked off, which I think was absolutely the smartest thing to do. 

So, work on changing the narrative: the break-up wasn't open-ended, it was simply you deciding that you had reached your limit and couldn't do it anymore. And you have already made the best choice for yourself. Don't dive into dating before you're really ready. Wait until you've had more time to heal. Then you will be in a better place to meet a man who can offer you the commitment you are searching for. 

[basil67]

I agree that this isn't open ended.  You decisively ended a relationship with a man who was emotionally unavailable - a good and wise decision.

Perhaps the dating isn't working right now because you're not yet ready.  And kindly, it's unfair to your new dates to be meeting with them when you're still working through this breakup.  Give yourself some time and TLC.  You will be OK in time

[glows]

4 hours ago, rosean said:

How do you heal from an open-ended breakup? 

Are you still hoping he comes back different? It’s best to close the chapter and find closure on your own. You can give yourself that closure by making peace that he’s not the guy for you. Let go.

The emotions you’re feeling aren’t unusual. You haven’t accepted the break up or that it’s over. No matter how much the mind may rationally perceive and understand it to be over, the heart takes some time to catch up so give yourself more time.

[rosean]

Thanks all, some great comments and insights here!

You're right I'm certainly not in a headspace to be letting someone into my life because I keep comparing them to my ex. I really was blown away when I met him and fell hard, loving everything about him from head to toe. I found it easier ending my engagement three years ago than I did this relationship which was on for six months and then on/off for another four... What a shocker! I feel so embarrassed fighting for it.

Part of me absolutely hopes he comes back (although i don't know how I'll feel...) and the reason why I say it's open-ended is because he was trying so hard to make it work, fixing it, creating timelines on when we could try again and catchup in three months (it's been almost three months since we last spoke and it's been playing on my mind). I do hope he's finding himself but the resentment is strong. Me walking away technically ended our relationship but all this talk about getting back together, the hope, trying again, and knowing we were a great couple is making it difficult.

This is the first time after a breakup where I've truly wondered if I'll ever meet someone so great again, and if I do... will there be another issue with commitment? I dated someone two years ago for a few months who changed his mind about committing. He came back four times (and recently) and I moved on swiftly the first time knowing he was untrustworthy. Many years ago I got dumped after a month, and this guy came back years later wanting to commit. I didn't trust him either and didn't feel the same anymore.

I'm scared of this happening again. I'm 32 - I just don't have the energy anymore. I want to heal properly but the fear of pain and the fear I won't have a commitment is really getting to me.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, rosean said:

the fear I won't have a commitment is really getting to me.

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating? Were either of you married or involed involved with someone when you met?

Unfortunately on/off relationships are fraught with unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities combined with  unhealthy attachments and lack of other opportunities.

"Breaks" (what you are referring to as open-ended) do not resolve feelings or situations, they simply complicate things because they're enforced in order to hope the other person changes.

It's good you recognize that he is not a viable candidate for a stable happy relationship and that he simply doesn't want what you want.

In this case, it's wiser to cut your losses and free yourself to find what you need and want.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, rosean said:

knowing we were a great couple

If that were true, you two wouldn't have split after just 6 months. 

Sure, you might have got along well enough and had chemistry. But what you really need for a great relationship (desire to commit from both parties) was absent. I would remind yourself of that when you start feeling nostalgic. This wasn't as great as you are framing it. And while he might not be a bad  guy, he sure wasn't great for you. 

[rosean]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating? Were either of you married or involed involved with someone when you met?

Unfortunately on/off relationships are fraught with unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities combined with  unhealthy attachments and lack of other opportunities.

"Breaks" (what you are referring to as open-ended) do not resolve feelings or situations, they simply complicate things because they're enforced in order to hope the other person changes.

It's good you recognize that he is not a viable candidate for a stable happy relationship and that he simply doesn't want what you want.

In this case, it's wiser to cut your losses and free yourself to find what you need and want.

I had been single about two years (and had seen two men for a bit each) and he had been single a year and a few months (went on two dates before me and that's it). He was in a seven year relationship previously where his ex broke it off suddenly. He spent a lot of time healing and when we met, I felt it likely wasn't enough time to make a long term commitment but I ignored it (wrongfully).

We are technically broken up, haven't spoken etc and I've moved on and made changes and improvements to other parts of my life. The reason I say it's open-ended is because of the possibility of getting back together. He wanted to be selfish and "find his peace" because he knew he'd fail being in a committed relationship and wanted to give me more that he wasn't able to do. 

I'm anxious going back out there and being disappointed. Right now, everything feels like effort. 

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If that were true, you two wouldn't have split after just 6 months. 

Sure, you might have got along well enough and had chemistry. But what you really need for a great relationship (desire to commit from both parties) was absent. I would remind yourself of that when you start feeling nostalgic. This wasn't as great as you are framing it. And while he might not be a bad  guy, he sure wasn't great for you. 

Thank you, I do remind myself this! When I think of the stress, anxiety and insecurities I had I feel resentful and angry and KNOW I deserve so much better. 

I know there was desperation on both ends to make it work and I can't help but feel he manipulated some of the time we had to figure out his own problems while he still 'had' me. I feel so embarrassed.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, rosean said:

The reason I say it's open-ended is because of the possibility of getting back together.

It's better to free yourself from damaged wounded unavailable ambiguous men. Delete and block him and don't take him back. While dating again may be an effort, begging someone to be ready, willing and able to be with you is much more work. 6 mos is the observation time, not the 'let's commit' time. 

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, rosean said:

I really was blown away when I met him and fell hard, loving everything about him from head to toe. I found it easier ending my engagement three years ago than I did this relationship which was on for six months and then on/off for another four...

One of the reasons your feelings are so strong is that you were essentially in the honeymoon period the whole time. When things are “off and on” they tend escalate feeling because you’re on a rollercoaster. The sadness from the off times is alleviated by the ecstasy when things are back on creating this (unhealthy) feedback loop. And your feelings are strong now, not because he was so great, but because you keep thinking about him. It’s your own thoughts that are creating your feelings. Not him. 
 

One thing I will note, is you seem to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men. This could mean that you are the one that’s actually emotionally unavailable, and the theme of fear that has punctuated your posts would back this up. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm sorry to tell you--and I speak from experience--there is no such thing as an open-ended split.

You and your partner are not dating. You're not together. Period.

The "maybe later" thing is just a ploy that some people use to cushion the blow of breaking up with another person, in this case you. In reality, there is always the possibility that a couple might reconcile, but that usually happens because BOTH PEOPLE make changes and it happens on its own, without planning. 

Relationships exist in the "now." Where we can get confused is when someone says (in a seemingly sincere way) that they aren't ready to date us now, but maybe later they will. Trust me: if someone is not ready to date you now, they won't want to date you later. What "maybe later" means is I'm not that into you enough. I like you, but I'm not really that into you. When someone is truly into us--excited about dating us--they want to do so in the now!

You really need to protect yourself because you're going to look up one day soon and see your ex dating someone very seriously.  Waiting around is a waste of time. 

I've wasted a lot of time with an ex of mine left room for "later." That was just her cowardly way of breaking up. It's actually cruel to say "later" is a possibility. I wasted all kinds of time hoping this person would change. Nope. And anytime I said that (I think I did with one ex) it was because I just wasn't that into them. 

[glows]

16 hours ago, rosean said:

I had been single about two years (and had seen two men for a bit each) and he had been single a year and a few months (went on two dates before me and that's it). He was in a seven year relationship previously where his ex broke it off suddenly. He spent a lot of time healing and when we met, I felt it likely wasn't enough time to make a long term commitment but I ignored it (wrongfully).

We are technically broken up, haven't spoken etc and I've moved on and made changes and improvements to other parts of my life. The reason I say it's open-ended is because of the possibility of getting back together. He wanted to be selfish and "find his peace" because he knew he'd fail being in a committed relationship and wanted to give me more that he wasn't able to do. 

I'm anxious going back out there and being disappointed. Right now, everything feels like effort. 

Thank you, I do remind myself this! When I think of the stress, anxiety and insecurities I had I feel resentful and angry and KNOW I deserve so much better. 

I know there was desperation on both ends to make it work and I can't help but feel he manipulated some of the time we had to figure out his own problems while he still 'had' me. I feel so embarrassed.

You’re still leaving that door open and it’s draining you. All that anxiety comes from putting your faith in someone who left you, didn’t care enough, had personal issues and more excuses and so on. Does this make sense to you? 

Close the chapter and bring closure to yourself. The only way you can do this is realizing that the choice is no longer his. It’s your call.

[rosean]

8 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I'm sorry to tell you--and I speak from experience--there is no such thing as an open-ended split.

You and your partner are not dating. You're not together. Period.

The "maybe later" thing is just a ploy that some people use to cushion the blow of breaking up with another person, in this case you. In reality, there is always the possibility that a couple might reconcile, but that usually happens because BOTH PEOPLE make changes and it happens on its own, without planning. 

Relationships exist in the "now." Where we can get confused is when someone says (in a seemingly sincere way) that they aren't ready to date us now, but maybe later they will. Trust me: if someone is not ready to date you now, they won't want to date you later. What "maybe later" means is I'm not that into you enough. I like you, but I'm not really that into you. When someone is truly into us--excited about dating us--they want to do so in the now!

You really need to protect yourself because you're going to look up one day soon and see your ex dating someone very seriously.  Waiting around is a waste of time. 

I've wasted a lot of time with an ex of mine left room for "later." That was just her cowardly way of breaking up. It's actually cruel to say "later" is a possibility. I wasted all kinds of time hoping this person would change. Nope. And anytime I said that (I think I did with one ex) it was because I just wasn't that into them. 

I don't believe the 'maybe later' in my situation is 'I'm not into you enough' - he told me he loved me and saw a future, was always excited seeing me and my name pop up when I called and texted, and he spent a lot of time communicating and trying to fix it. That doesn't sound like someone who isn't "into you enough". It's just not possible with that connection, chemistry and compatibility we had. Of course, this all goes out the door when one party is unwilling to commit. 

I also dated someone briefly who dumped me, came back to me years later and apologised for being emotionally unavailable. His behaviour did a 180 and he had feelings for me this time round that he didn't before. It's pretty presumptuous to assume the person doing the rejecting isn't the problem. 

One thing I will note is that this guy is avoidant and he's aware of it. He has poor regulation of his feelings and had a commitment issue with his ex too. It took him EIGHT months to make it official with her. He is clearly the problem. And after SEVEN years together he still hadn't proposed. He described the first two years of that relationship as 'rough' and being really incompatible with his ex. After three months of dating me he said he "didn't know where he was at" - i was going to break it off and he came crying and saying he wanted to be with me and fix the mistakes he made and he made plenty - keeping distant with irregular messaging, unable to open up emotionally, inability to talk about the future - all warning signs I ignored. He did improve significantly, and then started falling into depression. I'm glad he is aware how unhealthy some of his patterns are and he is getting help for it. As you mentioned a relationship only works when there is a commitment from both sides and I had to walk away for my own mental health. He said he knew he'd fail me if we did move the relationship forward because of how down he felt with himself and the pressure from me to settle down was too much. 

I always believed men should be single for minimum one year before dating, and 2/3 years for good measure. I just don't believe they jump into commitment easily, I've really never seen or heard of it happening and literally every single one of my friends warned me too. A seven year relationship is a big investment especially when it's been with someone who was a poor match from the start. 

7 hours ago, glows said:

You’re still leaving that door open and it’s draining you. All that anxiety comes from putting your faith in someone who left you, didn’t care enough, had personal issues and more excuses and so on. Does this make sense to you? 

Close the chapter and bring closure to yourself. The only way you can do this is realizing that the choice is no longer his. It’s your call.

Yes absolutely, it's hurting me. What hurts even more is the thought of just having to try again and not knowing if I'll ever be able to let someone in again. It was a hard slog finding someone I was excited about and I have no trouble getting attention or dates. I'm so tired of dating and I'm having trouble moving towards a state where I feel emotionally healthy again. I just don't want anyone disturbing the peace I've built. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, rosean said:

I just don't want anyone disturbing the peace I've built

Then you need to drop guys like your ex a lot sooner, and not do the on-off dance for months after the break-up. He sure wasn't bringing peace into your life, either. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, rosean said:

It's just not possible with that connection, chemistry and compatibility we had.

Have you ever felt this level of connection, chemistry and compatibility with a stable, emotionally available, commitment minded man?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, rosean said:

this all goes out the door when one party is unwilling to commit. 

.He has poor regulation of his feelings. He did improve significantly, and then started falling into depression.

What exactly, do you mean by 'commit'? Exclusive dating? He seems too damaged to date and seems to have chronic untreated mental health problems. Waiting for whatever open-ended is won't fix someone.

[rosean]

10 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Have you ever felt this level of connection, chemistry and compatibility with a stable, emotionally available, commitment minded man?

I had the compatibility and connection with my ex of three years but the sexual chemistry wasn't quite there. He was committed very quickly and to be honest I got really lucky. My friends were envious that I had it so easy and so healthy and looking back I can't believe I had it so good. 

It didn't work out because he wanted to move to another city and I didn't. I ended it. We were a good couple. there were many similarities with my most recent ex that I saw plus the sexual chemistry was amazing and we were more similar with our upbringing and interests. I do have a type when it comes to personality. 

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What exactly, do you mean by 'commit'? Exclusive dating? He seems too damaged to date and seems to have chronic untreated mental health problems. Waiting for whatever open-ended is won't fix someone.

We were exclusive after our first date. He didn't want to move to make it official. Yes he has some PTSD from his childhood and a lot of avoidant tendencies. 

There is some emotional immaturity there too which he is also aware of. 

 

[Weezy1973]

9 minutes ago, rosean said:

It didn't work out because he wanted to move to another city and I didn't. I ended it. We were a good couple. 

Couldn’t have been that good or you both would have prioritized staying together. Either you would have moved with him, or he wouldn’t have wanted to move to another city without you. 

 

11 minutes ago, rosean said:

I do have a type when it comes to personality. 

Which is what?

 

12 minutes ago, rosean said:

We were exclusive after our first date.

This is actually a huge red flag. It takes time to get to know someone. Wanting exclusivity right away is a sign of anxious attachment. 

[glows]

4 hours ago, rosean said:

I don't believe the 'maybe later' in my situation is 'I'm not into you enough' - he told me he loved me and saw a future, was always excited seeing me and my name pop up when I called and texted, and he spent a lot of time communicating and trying to fix it. That doesn't sound like someone who isn't "into you enough". It's just not possible with that connection, chemistry and compatibility we had. Of course, this all goes out the door when one party is unwilling to commit. 

I also dated someone briefly who dumped me, came back to me years later and apologised for being emotionally unavailable. His behaviour did a 180 and he had feelings for me this time round that he didn't before. It's pretty presumptuous to assume the person doing the rejecting isn't the problem. 

One thing I will note is that this guy is avoidant and he's aware of it. He has poor regulation of his feelings and had a commitment issue with his ex too. It took him EIGHT months to make it official with her. He is clearly the problem. And after SEVEN years together he still hadn't proposed. He described the first two years of that relationship as 'rough' and being really incompatible with his ex. After three months of dating me he said he "didn't know where he was at" - i was going to break it off and he came crying and saying he wanted to be with me and fix the mistakes he made and he made plenty - keeping distant with irregular messaging, unable to open up emotionally, inability to talk about the future - all warning signs I ignored. He did improve significantly, and then started falling into depression. I'm glad he is aware how unhealthy some of his patterns are and he is getting help for it. As you mentioned a relationship only works when there is a commitment from both sides and I had to walk away for my own mental health. He said he knew he'd fail me if we did move the relationship forward because of how down he felt with himself and the pressure from me to settle down was too much. 

I always believed men should be single for minimum one year before dating, and 2/3 years for good measure. I just don't believe they jump into commitment easily, I've really never seen or heard of it happening and literally every single one of my friends warned me too. A seven year relationship is a big investment especially when it's been with someone who was a poor match from the start. 

Yes absolutely, it's hurting me. What hurts even more is the thought of just having to try again and not knowing if I'll ever be able to let someone in again. It was a hard slog finding someone I was excited about and I have no trouble getting attention or dates. I'm so tired of dating and I'm having trouble moving towards a state where I feel emotionally healthy again. I just don't want anyone disturbing the peace I've built. 

He wasn’t a good pick to start with and incompatible with you. Do you see this? Starting over means reviewing your mistakes and changing the way you view potential mates. There were red flags left, right and center and they were ignored. You don’t accept him for who he is and what he had to offer. He is not what you see in a partner and what he offers is not what you’re looking for. 

Dating someone exclusively or bf/gf is about 1% and tip of the iceberg where it comes to relationships. You both never made it past that tiny slice of dating and you’ve invested your time/hopes into this man far beyond anything this situation deserved. My guess is he has mental health issues beyond what a relationship is good for and he’s not appropriately dealing with them, getting caught up in dating, wasting time with women or not self-aware enough to even realize he’s hurting someone else. Yet you still stuck around and are leaving room for him. 

When you’re ready to date again do pick individuals who are emotionally available and consistent. It’s a reciprocal relationship. What you give you get. When it stops rethink things. Never allow it to get so out of hand or stop your life for someone who can’t reciprocate the same level of intimacy or involvement.

[Lotsgoingon]

You ex may indeed have said he loved you and he might very do so. 

Loving someone has a thousand meanings. People sometimes say that to a partner and it means I really really like you. It doesn't mean I think you are a good fit for me in dating. Doesn't mean I'm thrilled to be dating you. Doesn't mean that a week after saying that I love you, I'm still feeling that this is a right relationship for m. Feelings change.

There have been times when I was not ready for a relationship ... and then lo and behold, I meet someone else and guess what? I was ready! You cannot take people's words literally. You want to focus on their actions. And the biggest action that signals what's going on is whether they want--deeply want, passionately want--to date us right now. And whether they are present and available and consistent--right now!

I'll take an analogy from Hollywood. There are movies that people hear about and they say, "Wow, that sounds good" or "Yeah, that's something I'd like to see." And then there are movies that we hear about and we immediately check where it's showing and we pick a day and time we will go see it. There is a huge difference between "I'd like to see that" and "I wanna go Saturday afternoon at the X venue." The second one--action and focus and urgency--is what you want when dating someone. 

 

Edited August 1, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[rosean]

10 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Couldn’t have been that good or you both would have prioritized staying together. Either you would have moved with him, or he wouldn’t have wanted to move to another city without you. 

 

Which is what?

 

This is actually a huge red flag. It takes time to get to know someone. Wanting exclusivity right away is a sign of anxious attachment. 

Not wanting to move to another country isn't something to consider lightly. But I'm not here to talk about my last relationship, it's irrelevant. 

 

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You ex may indeed have said he loved you and he might very do so. 

Loving someone has a thousand meanings. People sometimes say that to a partner and it means I really really like you. It doesn't mean I think you are a good fit for me in dating. Doesn't mean I'm thrilled to be dating you. Doesn't mean that a week after saying that I love you, I'm still feeling that this is a right relationship for m. Feelings change.

There have been times when I was not ready for a relationship ... and then lo and behold, I meet someone else and guess what? I was ready! You cannot take people's words literally. You want to focus on their actions. And the biggest action that signals what's going on is whether they want--deeply want, passionately want--to date us right now. And whether they are present and available and consistent--right now!

I'll take an analogy from Hollywood. There are movies that people hear about and they say, "Wow, that sounds good" or "Yeah, that's something I'd like to see." And then there are movies that we hear about and we immediately check where it's showing and we pick a day and time we will go see it. There is a huge difference between "I'd like to see that" and "I wanna go Saturday afternoon at the X venue." The second one--action and focus and urgency--is what you want when dating someone. 

 

 Of course, love isn't enough. The commitment has to be there and that's just a choice you make. I love him for him, but I left because I wasn't receiving the level of commitment I deserved. 

I can't comment about the being ready for a relationship part - from what I have seen you actually need to be in a place in your life to really understand the responsibilities and expectations that come with it. He was very open about the mistakes he made with his ex and from his beahviour early on it was pretty evident he was just winging it. It's immature to think another person will inspire you to want a great relationship even when you're at your lowest and have pretty evident personal issues. I just don't buy it and have never seen this happen.

His actions showed me that he really did turn things around when he saw I was going to walk the first time, he absolutely did show me how much I meant to him, but the unwillingness to commit made me walk. I had to preserve whatever self respect I had left. I'm sad I persisted with a broken puppy. 

7 hours ago, glows said:

He wasn’t a good pick to start with and incompatible with you. Do you see this? Starting over means reviewing your mistakes and changing the way you view potential mates. There were red flags left, right and center and they were ignored. You don’t accept him for who he is and what he had to offer. He is not what you see in a partner and what he offers is not what you’re looking for. 

Dating someone exclusively or bf/gf is about 1% and tip of the iceberg where it comes to relationships. You both never made it past that tiny slice of dating and you’ve invested your time/hopes into this man far beyond anything this situation deserved. My guess is he has mental health issues beyond what a relationship is good for and he’s not appropriately dealing with them, getting caught up in dating, wasting time with women or not self-aware enough to even realize he’s hurting someone else. Yet you still stuck around and are leaving room for him. 

When you’re ready to date again do pick individuals who are emotionally available and consistent. It’s a reciprocal relationship. What you give you get. When it stops rethink things. Never allow it to get so out of hand or stop your life for someone who can’t reciprocate the same level of intimacy or involvement.

How do I build that self love after a traumatising experience like this? I think it's so important to have and right now I feel like I'll never be in a place to have an open heart, and that I won't meet anyone else. This whole commitment thing has left me feeling really deflated. I feel so unavailable right now and definitely feel some pressure being 32, not so much about the kids thing but about finding the right partner.  

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, rosean said:

  I feel so unavailable right now and definitely feel some pressure being 32, not so much about the kids thing but about finding the right partner.  

Unfortunately this man seems like a rebound from your last relationship, which interestingly you seem to put on a pedestal as the one who got away.

It's good you are taking some time off to reflect and regroup. Try not to let the biological clock pressure you or force the dating situations into premature "commitment".

[glows]

On 8/1/2022 at 5:27 PM, rosean said:

Not wanting to move to another country isn't something to consider lightly. But I'm not here to talk about my last relationship, it's irrelevant. 

 

 Of course, love isn't enough. The commitment has to be there and that's just a choice you make. I love him for him, but I left because I wasn't receiving the level of commitment I deserved. 

I can't comment about the being ready for a relationship part - from what I have seen you actually need to be in a place in your life to really understand the responsibilities and expectations that come with it. He was very open about the mistakes he made with his ex and from his beahviour early on it was pretty evident he was just winging it. It's immature to think another person will inspire you to want a great relationship even when you're at your lowest and have pretty evident personal issues. I just don't buy it and have never seen this happen.

His actions showed me that he really did turn things around when he saw I was going to walk the first time, he absolutely did show me how much I meant to him, but the unwillingness to commit made me walk. I had to preserve whatever self respect I had left. I'm sad I persisted with a broken puppy. 

How do I build that self love after a traumatising experience like this? I think it's so important to have and right now I feel like I'll never be in a place to have an open heart, and that I won't meet anyone else. This whole commitment thing has left me feeling really deflated. I feel so unavailable right now and definitely feel some pressure being 32, not so much about the kids thing but about finding the right partner.  

I divorced someone at an age older than you and had many of the same reservations, yet also knowing full well that those emotions and concerns would fade after the end of the marriage and once things had settled. True enough, it did. Things did fade and I did regain faith and hope and also met someone new. 

You can’t know what the future has in store for you so hold that harsh judgment of yourself. All you know is that this didn’t work and you’re free to move on. Feeling great won’t happen overnight and it takes time to let go but don’t hold on to the past either. Keep moving forward and looking forward.