BigChills Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 Good morning, First time poster here but I just had a first date with an old flame from freshman year of high school and that was 34 yrs ago! Yes, I'm older at 51 but just getting back into the dating scene after a LONG toxic marriage. It's a totally different dating scene and seems a bit crazy to me. I actually rekindled with her on Facebook, and we have chatted for a while with me having no clue who she was by her married name. Eventually she came out and told me her maiden and I was totally overwhelmed by happiness! Even though we only went out for a short time we stayed friendly through high school until she graduated a year ahead of me and then we lost contact. We just had our first date yesterday and it was REALLY good! We talked for hours and reminisced along with talking out our past troubles in both our toxic marriages. We both ended with a really nice multiple kiss lol. The thing is she had it way worse than I did with some DV by her ex-husband, and she attempted to end herself three years ago. She has ALOT of baggage. She hasn't aged well and I noticed she had some tremors on the date. She is in biweekly therapy and seems to be good with that, but she also told me she has had a couple of younger FBs since her divorce and last night after our date she went out with friends to another bar. She later texted me about going to her place and having some "fun". I texted her back with "Woe there killer take it easy lol". She took the hint and got the lighthearted response. She just comes on pretty strong with the sex thing and it's kind of off-putting to me since I have this rule since my ex that you dot "stick it in crazy"(sorry if that's a bit crass). I also sense some alcohol issues and she told me she smokes weed which isn't totally a bad thing but I don't know how much. I've always been a pretty straight guy and never did any drugs and usually I have 1 beer after work if I feel like it. She's now coming across as super clingy and strong, but I believe I know why. She's searching I believe for that "Saviour" So, I'm not Mr. Perfect and I have trust issues and like my space which is probably why I'm posting this but I kind of have some bad vibes. It's sad to me because obviously I know her and care for her but not sure I'm ready for the Saviour role. I believe all people deserve happiness and a good life which kind of makes this hard because she tells me she hasn't been this happy in a very long time. I defiantly don't want to crush her because she also seems pretty fragile. I just wonder if I'm overreacting because of my trust issues and all this being so new. Shes actually my first date since my divorce in 2008 lol Thanks, if you've read this far and have any insight. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 (edited) 50 minutes ago, BigChills said: DV by her ex-husband, and she attempted to end herself three years ago. She has ALOT of baggage. She hasn't aged well and I noticed she had some tremors on the date. I also sense some alcohol issues and she told me she smokes weed Sorry this is happening. Are you legally divorce, living separately? While stepping out into dating again is fine. Dating severely damaged women is not the way to go. Don't jump from toxic to even more toxic. Edited July 31, 2022 by Wiseman2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 You "used" to know her. With everything you've listed l woudn't date her and l wonder why you even consider it. So she'll be disappointed, she'll survive, it was just one meeting. When we're over 50 it's when we seek a partner to enhance our life, not make it more difficult. Yes dating is hard nowadays but you'll eventually meet a woman that will be it for you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 She's not that person you used to know. She sounds like she could have been as toxic as her ex husband. I know that in a lot of bad marriages it can take two to make it bad not just the one. The red flag I see is that she has reckless behaviour. Alcoholism/impulse sexual behaviour/partying/emotionally unstable....dude run for the hills. You definitely don't want anything like this as you venture into the dating scene. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 1 hour ago, BigChills said: Good morning, First time poster here but I just had a first date with an old flame from freshman year of high school and that was 34 yrs ago! Yes, I'm older at 51 but just getting back into the dating scene after a LONG toxic marriage. It's a totally different dating scene and seems a bit crazy to me. I actually rekindled with her on Facebook, and we have chatted for a while with me having no clue who she was by her married name. Eventually she came out and told me her maiden and I was totally overwhelmed by happiness! Even though we only went out for a short time we stayed friendly through high school until she graduated a year ahead of me and then we lost contact. We just had our first date yesterday and it was REALLY good! We talked for hours and reminisced along with talking out our past troubles in both our toxic marriages. We both ended with a really nice multiple kiss lol. The thing is she had it way worse than I did with some DV by her ex-husband, and she attempted to end herself three years ago. She has ALOT of baggage. She hasn't aged well and I noticed she had some tremors on the date. She is in biweekly therapy and seems to be good with that, but she also told me she has had a couple of younger FBs since her divorce and last night after our date she went out with friends to another bar. She later texted me about going to her place and having some "fun". I texted her back with "Woe there killer take it easy lol". She took the hint and got the lighthearted response. She just comes on pretty strong with the sex thing and it's kind of off-putting to me since I have this rule since my ex that you dot "stick it in crazy"(sorry if that's a bit crass). I also sense some alcohol issues and she told me she smokes weed which isn't totally a bad thing but I don't know how much. I've always been a pretty straight guy and never did any drugs and usually I have 1 beer after work if I feel like it. She's now coming across as super clingy and strong, but I believe I know why. She's searching I believe for that "Saviour" So, I'm not Mr. Perfect and I have trust issues and like my space which is probably why I'm posting this but I kind of have some bad vibes. It's sad to me because obviously I know her and care for her but not sure I'm ready for the Saviour role. I believe all people deserve happiness and a good life which kind of makes this hard because she tells me she hasn't been this happy in a very long time. I defiantly don't want to crush her because she also seems pretty fragile. I just wonder if I'm overreacting because of my trust issues and all this being so new. Shes actually my first date since my divorce in 2008 lol Thanks, if you've read this far and have any insight. You’re not compatible. That’s all you need to know. Leave this one in the past. It was a nice catch up but not what you’re looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, BigChills said: We just had our first date yesterday and it was REALLY good! We talked for hours and reminisced along with talking out our past troubles in both our toxic marriages. We both ended with a really nice multiple kiss This is going to give you a false sense of connection. The reason the date went well is because you share a past so there was a lot to talk about so conversation likely flowed quite naturally. Add a bit of alcohol, sharing your marriage trauma and a few kisses, and suddenly it seems like a great date. Now add a couple more things, your insecurities with dating since the end of your marriage, and her very forward invitation and obvious interest which would quell those insecurities and dating anxiety and suddenly there’s a recipe for you to make a really bad decision which would be to pursue this really toxic individual for a relationship. Don’t do it. Edited July 31, 2022 by Weezy1973 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BigChills Posted July 31, 2022 Author Share Posted July 31, 2022 8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. Are you legally divorce, living separately? While stepping out into dating again is fine. Dating severely damaged women is not the way to go. Don't jump from toxic to even more toxic. Thanks for the reply! Yes, I am divorced since 2008 and the ex and I WERE living separately until she defaulted on my mortgage! So, I'm kind of dumb in that the ex and I got a house together two years ago because she was living in my mom's house after an eviction and we have 4 kids (young adults now), so it was really cramped for all. I was able to finally have the credit to use my VA Loan to get us all out and into a nice little house. I was there with them for a while like a roommate situation since all of us being at moms was tough on my mom. But of course, Ex's are Ex's for a reason and a big lesson is to NEVER get into a contract with an ex, especially a house! Now unfortunately mum passed last August, and I inherited her house along with my disabled sister who was having a very hard time keeping up with the house both financially and physically. I moved out and back to mums. The ex-defaulted and at the same time the mortgage company screwed up not paying taxes, so it was a double whammy. I'm selling that house and they all moved back in for now. With mums passing there's plenty of space and the boys are helping me out. I'm also giving her the proceeds of the sale to get out on her own which she has told me in no uncertain terms she desperately wants to do. This is depressing for her and it's like a toxic roommate situation right now. So, I've defiantly got my own baggage right now too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BigChills Posted July 31, 2022 Author Share Posted July 31, 2022 19 minutes ago, smackie9 said: She's not that person you used to know. She sounds like she could have been as toxic as her ex husband. I know that in a lot of bad marriages it can take two to make it bad not just the one. The red flag I see is that she has reckless behaviour. Alcoholism/impulse sexual behaviour/partying/emotionally unstable....dude run for the hills. You definitely don't want anything like this as you venture into the dating scene. Yeah this is definitely my take. Unfortunately I worry she will do something stupid though. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 1 hour ago, BigChills said: I just wonder if I'm overreacting because of my trust issues and all this being so new. Shes actually my first date since my divorce in 2008 lol No, you're not overreacting. We all have baggage (trouble trusting because of past experience for example), but often that baggage can be managed by taking things slow and developing a deeper connection. She has active issues (alcoholism, lack of impulse control, being clingy) that will be difficult if not impossible to manage and will keep you from being able to have a real lasting connection. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 2 hours ago, BigChills said: the ex and I got a house together two years ago because she was living in my mom's house after an eviction and we have 4 kids .This is depressing for her and it's like a toxic roommate situation right now. I've defiantly got my own baggage right now too. You may have to wait until you can get the living situation sorted out until you're able to date quality women. Living with an ex is a red flag. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 2 hours ago, BigChills said: Unfortunately I worry she will do something stupid though. Not your responsibility. What's your alternative here? Date her so she doen't jump off a cliff? There are plenty better prospects for you out there. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 (edited) Over so many decades, like you, she has become a very different person than she was. Suggest you view her as you would anyone else WRT to "acceptability" as a partner, i.e. starting from "neutral". Suicide concerns, if there are any, are above your paygrade and should be referred to emergency services or a therapist. (Even they weren't above your paygrade, you'd have to recuse yourself as this is someone you are friends with.) Edited July 31, 2022 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Tullyseptember Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 I think it's cruel how you referred to this lady as you did..."you dot stick it in crazy" The sex could be a coping tactic. Not healthy of course and you are certainly being respectful to yourself that going there with her would not be ideal. Move on. If there are red flags then honor your boundaries. A little kindness goes far...even in our private thoughts 🙂 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted August 1, 2022 Share Posted August 1, 2022 37 minutes ago, Tullyseptember said: A little kindness goes far...even in our private thoughts 🙂 Does kindness in our thoughts include judging others’ thoughts as cruel? Actions, sure. Thoughts, not so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Tullyseptember Posted August 1, 2022 Share Posted August 1, 2022 I see your point Wezzy1973. I should have seen the condriction in my words! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted August 1, 2022 Share Posted August 1, 2022 1 hour ago, Tullyseptember said: Move on. If there are red flags then honor your boundaries. A little kindness goes far...even in our private thoughts Agree. She utilizes poor coping mechanisms. There is a messy living situation between you and your ex-partner. Combining these two things isn't a good idea. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts