Should we keep dating?

[free_radicals]

We've been on 3 dates within a 1.5 weeks span. I'm 40, she's 37. First date was about 6 hours long at an arcade with bar, straight out of a love story. Everything went perfect- combo of thought provoking discussions, learning about each other, playful fun, hand holding, cuddling in my car, kiss at the end. On that date, I learned she had just broken off dating a guy a week before (they dated for a month) because he got out of control drinking at a get together with her friends and he called her all sorts of things.

Second date was at a Target (the store) browsing date since we both love that store, pretty simple. Again, cuddling/kissing in the car afterwards. Third date was boardgame night at my place (2 days ago). We didn't end up playing boardgames, rather going on interesting discussion rabbitholes, getting to know each other, and lots of playful fun (wrestling, cuddling, chasing, tickling, kissing, etc.).

At some point, we go into her past, which says she has a history of rushing into relationships then getting hurt and doesn't want that to happen to us. Her longest relationship has been 1.5 years. She had dated someone for 1.5 years that later found out was married (not sure how long ago). Clearly she has relationship scars from the top two instances- she's still processing the first one. So problem #1 appears to be emotional unavailability. Problem #2 is that she takes on too many social activities to the point of her feeling exhausted and leaves some things on the side (cleaning her house is the latest I know). She has ADHD, if that's a factor I don't know.

So I say that I don't want to waste anyone's time and to let me know if she's not ready for a relationship. She says she wants to keep dating as we have been to see where things go and will work on the two issues mentioned (not for me necessarily, but because she recognizes she needs to do this for herself). Given her history with men, she says she doesn't know yet if she'll be able to make room for a relationship- and that will depend on getting to know me more and not rush as usual, thus wanting to keep dating.

Basically she wants to make sure I'm not like the other guys she's dated (which I'm not, and she'll see that through time). She has told me everything she likes about me and we have a very strong connection all around. After all, she chose me out of all of her friends. Normally, people would say "there's plenty of fish in the sea" as in let this one go and find someone else. A caveat though: we are both vegan, thus our dating pool in general is about 1.5% (3% of people are vegan/vegetarian, theoretically 50% men, 50% women, and we only date such people). Plus with this requirement, everything else also has to match (not wanting kids, politics, religion, etc.) Looking at this totality, the odds of finding someone that aligns with me (and her) are very very small.

So something in me tells me to keep dating and see what happens, and try to regulate my emotions; and try to be OK whether it works out or not, yet open to dating others if someone else comes along. Again, in the mean time she says she'll work on her two issues. I'm thinking to just keep dating her, put no pressure whatsoever on her, but have a check in on how things are going maybe in a month or two.  Thoughts? Opinions?

Edited August 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, free_radicals said:

She says she wants to keep dating as we have been to see where things go. she says she doesn't know yet if she'll be able to make room for a relationship- and that will depend on getting to know me more and not rush as usual, thus wanting to keep dating. Basically she wants to make sure I'm not like the other guys she's dated, So something in me tells me to keep dating and see what happens

It's only 3 dates and it seems to be going well. You really don't know each other.

While there are some yellow flags like impulsive choices/actions with men, you both seem ok with seeing where it goes.

[Maldives]

Just try n let it unfold naturally. 

 

Edited August 1, 2022 by Goodguy05

[smackie9]

Seems everything is fine. If she has ADHD, what is she doing to manage it? If she takes med or has ways to work with it, then she seems to have it somewhat together. Have a few more dates and see if anything bad starts to unravel.

[Clarity1]

It's totally okay to carry on seeing her, however, don't shut yourself off from potential dates with other women who show you interest, and don't put too much pressure on the situation.

[glows]

On 7/31/2022 at 9:39 AM, free_radicals said:

We've been on 3 dates within a 1.5 weeks span. I'm 40, she's 37. First date was about 6 hours long at an arcade with bar, straight out of a love story. Everything went perfect- combo of thought provoking discussions, learning about each other, playful fun, hand holding, cuddling in my car, kiss at the end. On that date, I learned she had just broken off dating a guy a week before (they dated for a month) because he got out of control drinking at a get together with her friends and he called her all sorts of things.

Second date was at a Target (the store) browsing date since we both love that store, pretty simple. Again, cuddling/kissing in the car afterwards. Third date was boardgame night at my place (2 days ago). We didn't end up playing boardgames, rather going on interesting discussion rabbitholes, getting to know each other, and lots of playful fun (wrestling, cuddling, chasing, tickling, kissing, etc.).

At some point, we go into her past, which says she has a history of rushing into relationships then getting hurt and doesn't want that to happen to us. Her longest relationship has been 1.5 years. She had dated someone for 1.5 years that later found out was married (not sure how long ago). Clearly she has relationship scars from the top two instances- she's still processing the first one. So problem #1 appears to be emotional unavailability. Problem #2 is that she takes on too many social activities to the point of her feeling exhausted and leaves some things on the side (cleaning her house is the latest I know). She has ADHD, if that's a factor I don't know.

So I say that I don't want to waste anyone's time and to let me know if she's not ready for a relationship. She says she wants to keep dating as we have been to see where things go and will work on the two issues mentioned (not for me necessarily, but because she recognizes she needs to do this for herself). Given her history with men, she says she doesn't know yet if she'll be able to make room for a relationship- and that will depend on getting to know me more and not rush as usual, thus wanting to keep dating.

Basically she wants to make sure I'm not like the other guys she's dated (which I'm not, and she'll see that through time). She has told me everything she likes about me and we have a very strong connection all around. After all, she chose me out of all of her friends. Normally, people would say "there's plenty of fish in the sea" as in let this one go and find someone else. A caveat though: we are both vegan, thus our dating pool in general is about 1.5% (3% of people are vegan/vegetarian, theoretically 50% men, 50% women, and we only date such people). Plus with this requirement, everything else also has to match (not wanting kids, politics, religion, etc.) Looking at this totality, the odds of finding someone that aligns with me (and her) are very very small.

So something in me tells me to keep dating and see what happens, and try to regulate my emotions; and try to be OK whether it works out or not, yet open to dating others if someone else comes along. Again, in the mean time she says she'll work on her two issues. I'm thinking to just keep dating her, put no pressure whatsoever on her, but have a check in on how things are going maybe in a month or two.  Thoughts? Opinions?

You can continue seeing her considering you do seem attracted. Personally, no. I’ve no interest in seeing someone again if I had reservations about their availability or if I ever have to “check in” on something such as someone else’s mental health in this particular context where you hardly know one another. That is not for me. 

I think this will fade once you meet someone else. You’re settling right now as you seem compatible in other areas. 

Edited August 3, 2022 by glows