Side chick for 11 years

[Alternate]

I was 20 and he was 37 when we first met at work. I got my significant other at the time a job working with him. He was married with 2 kids (1 grown and not biological. other is 12) At 22 I moved in with him because my dad told me to get out. His wife moved in with her brother bc they weren't getting along. They never stop speaking. He never told her and I was a secret. Years later they move back in together. Then she's flabbergasted by seeing a text from a number and looking it up on Facebook. She finally knew who I was. I'm probably 25 now. He moves in with me for almost 2 years. It's clear by now were not "meant to be" but I've built up years of obsession and kind of feel addicted to him. Surprise! They try again. He tells me from day 1 its never going to work between them. He tells me he isn't having sex with her and it's the 1 thing he swears he will tell me. (just wait) I'm on year 7 of this. I'm 32 now. No kids. It's gotten so sad. Now I'm just lost. He's not keeping me. I'm choosing to be this person. I'm so confused and he's the only person I have. Fast forward to beginning of summer. She finds texts between us again. After begging him to be honest. He stays with me a few nights then he goes out of town to work. He comes home and 4 weeks later she's in the hospital. HIV+. he's negative. Tells me not to worry before hes tested. I guess he kept his word. She says it's from a blood transfusion 9 months ago. Google pretty much can guarantee in the timeline that's not what happened. It seems like she had sex after almost 10 years and contracted HIV. He's... Oblivious to a truth. Or desperate to not leave her? Because even this isn't going to make him leave. Now it's the worst time in her life and how could he because it's really all his fault she had to seek people to have sex with. hah. What a [ ]  joke I am. What's my problem? How much longer of being hand fed unwanted feelings will I endure? I tell him when he dies. I think that's the plan. It's so sad.

Edited August 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[BaileyB]

Eleven years is a very long time to be in a relationship with a man who has treated you with such little respect.

Have you been tested for HIV? Because if you haven’t, I would do that this week.

 

 

[glows]

Get checked yourself to be sure. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. You don’t have to be with him. No, it’s not likely he’ll ever leave her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

If you haven't already, book an appointment for an HIV test immediately.

And you could perhaps benefit from professional therapy. 11 years is far too long to have wasted on this peson. You don't want to be in the same place in another 11 years, with still nothing to show for it. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Alternate said:

 HIV+. he's negative. Tells me not to worry before hes tested. I . Google pretty much can guarantee...

The best thing you can do is get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get tests done including STDs and bloodborne STDs. Google is not medical advice.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

[mark clemson]

While he cheated on his wife and probably substantially resented/disliked her in various ways, he may also feel a sense of responsibility towards her, despite the problems. People can be complicated sometimes. Beyond a (possibly quite real) sense of responsibility, he may actually be comfortable with "half-in, half-out" relationships. Some people are like this.

That said, you say it's clear that you and he are "not meant to be". In that case it probably would make sense for you to pull yourself away, regroup emotionally, and find someone "healthier" for you. Else you are likely in for more of the same. IF he truly is a type that is most comfortable only marginally committed to someone, then even if/when his wife is out of the picture, he will likely be the same way towards you.

Edited August 1, 2022 by mark clemson

[justwhoiam]

1. Do not have sex with him.

2. Go get tested for HIV immediately.

3. HIV can be detected 10 to 33 days after the infection occurred. So depending on that, if you had any contact with him in this time span, retest a second time, letting 33 days go by.

4. I'd cut ties with him, just for good measure. Other posters were really helpful suggesting you might need therapy. Maybe start focusing on his bad traits, qualities and negative feelings he made you experience.