He left his home form me more than one times but now he is back again.

[aitna]

Hello to all. I am from another country,so I am sorry for my English. Well I'll try to write my story. First of all I was married and he was and still id=s married .We met in our hobby and we became friends soon. We was trying to make something with me but firstly i didnt want even if i liked him.

We had very fun as friends,we were laughing a lot and messaging a lot hours a day . We also played together our hobby. After 8 months we kissed and soon we had sex. We keep doing this for some months more and very soon we fall in love.I was already not together with my husband but we lived in the same house and we had a good friendship. We was living with his wife and his 2 sons. We loves his wife but after the children ,about 9 years now they dond have sex,they dont sleep together,and there is not a sweet relationship between them. She does not like sex,she does not want it and so he cheated a lot of times this years but for one two times with each of them.

Then I was appeared to his life,he fall in love like he never has in the past,he started saying to me that he wants to be with me forever,he never felt like that,that he will speak to her and he though that she will ok with that. Well he had the best time of our lives being together,we had hour for examole in a car and never being boring,we were together almost alla day or messaging even if he had were there. After some months he speaked to her. of course it wasnt like he was expecting,there were angry,tears,she was socked and she begged on her knees to stay etc and he told me in teras that he loves me but he cant leave them. After a week of that we were again together.He came back and for some more months we were hidding but not so much.He felt more sure that he is leaving and come stay with me.

Well he spoke to her again. He left,we stayed for 15 days together and when he went to talk with her about divorce he told me that he cant, I know he feared also about money,as they have a house load together.After a week he came back to me. Again the same,he left for 2 months now,then again back to his house,then for 3 months with me,again bach to his house and then 5 month with me and now again to his house. Omg this is so funny seeing it written. hahahahhaha. All this is about 3 years now. Here I have to say that the reasons he is going bach is the children.The children do not know all this time nothing for me,that their father lives to a house with another woman and they keep asking him to go to see his house and he has to say lies to them alla the time and the pressure was too big for him. They called him with a camera and he was very very anxious all the time. He says that ok of course he loves his wife as a person afte 14 years but he sees her as a  mother or an old woman in the house.

 

Another problem is that he is very jelous of me and he cant stand some things I have done in my past and that he feels that I will stay with him 1,2 years and then I will find another man. So he is very insecure that I will stay with him forever and along with the guilt for the children we says that a reason he is leaving me is also that .I see how he is struggling with all that,I have seen him crying for me,he swear in his children that the only thing he wants is to grow old together and to be with me. He swears how much he loves me,that he cant be woithout me as many time he tried to be there and he tried hard to be without me..

He ehs 4 month there in his house and he messaged me after 25 days after he left my house. We told me that this time he will do it with the right way. He was goint to rent a house ,we will together and he can have any time in his new house the children adn he will not have this anxiety all the time. We will  sleep together the most days of course and when the feels ready he will tell the children about me. he has a ready house of his uncle and he spoke againe to the wife and children that he is leaving. Then I did something that he didnt like, I stayed more at party of the hobby that he asked me to leave and he was very jealous so he didnt leave. We didnt speak for a week .I sent him first for first time all this years and told him that i want to be with him,he told me that he is trying very hard to forget me but he cant .So again together .This was a month and a half ago.

All this month we are toghether but we fighiting a lot,as we always do and some day I was very angry because he lied to me for something (he told me the truth later because he did not want to upset me ) and i did not replied to his message and so he did not sent me again too. It is now 15 days.. Before this 15 days he promised and swear to his children thathe will leave them after 28/7 (his children had a tournament until then and he didnt want to upset him).

I decided no contact so 15 days now I havent sent and he hasnet sent. I feel terrible,I have no idea what he is doing, I think that he cant be ok. He is like a prisoner there this months because the one child has some ticks that went worse this months and his wife says to him that he is the reason. He loves the children,he tells me of course that they are the most important think for him and i am ok with that. He said it is the worst phase of his life,the only thinh he wants is to be with me,Ia m the only thing that makes him happy,but now 15 days..where is he?

 

He is not lying about sex with his wife.There is nothing like that there. Before some days she was begged him again to stay for the children etc and also told him that if the problem is the sex she will go to a doctor.He relpied that he dont want sex with her,he is still in love with me..but even after that she still want him there for the children. (i saw them written)

 

We both are 39.

 

I dont know why I am writting all them here..I want hear your opinion

Beca's L story brings me here.

 

Kisses from an exotic country!

From witch country is this forum?

 

[BaileyB]

Welcome. Glad that you found this forum.

I’m going to be honest with you, reading your story all I could think is - this is a HUGE mess.

You are waiting for a man who has cheated more than once on his wife. That is a HUGE red flag - if he isn’t faithful to her, you should never trust that he will be faithful to you. Because - he hasn’t.

You’ve allowed him to go back and forth from your bed to his family home for three YEARS! Did I read that correctly? 

And now, this man who has cheated on his wife with you has the audacity to say this - 

18 minutes ago, aitna said:

he is very jelous of me and he cant stand some things I have done in my past and that he feels that I will stay with him 1,2 years and then I will find another man.

Another, HUGE red flag. Do you not find it ironic that he is worried about the risk that you will cheat when he has essentially been doing that with/to you for years!!

I don’t know what you have tolerated this from a man for so long. If I was you, I would stay no contact and end it. This is weak man with very poor character who is still very much involved with his wife and does not want to leave his children. Not a good choice of relationship partner for you, I’m afraid. 

Edited August 1, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, aitna said:

but now 15 days..where is he?

He is with his family. 

It matters not whether he and his wife have sex. He has, in fact, found other ways to get sex. What he is having a difficult time leaving is his family - his children, the shared life they built together, the family home. As it turns out, his wife cares - she doesn’t want him to leave. That is usually very shocking for the other woman because she has been told time and time again - he doesn’t love her, he is in love with you, he wants to be with you…

The simple truth is, he wants BOTH of you - and what you have both allowed this guy to go back and forth like this is beyond me. At the moment, he has chosen his family… but, he’s likely to come around for more of what you are offering, if you are still offering. As I said above, personally, I wouldn’t be offering anymore…

Edited August 1, 2022 by BaileyB

[aitna]

24 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Welcome. Glad that you found this forum.

I’m going to be honest with you, reading your story all I could think is - this is a HUGE mess.

You are waiting for a man who has cheated more than once on his wife. That is a HUGE red flag - if he isn’t faithful to her, you should never trust that he will be faithful to you. Because - he hasn’t.

You’ve allowed him to go back and forth from your bed to his family home for three YEARS! Did I read that correctly? 

And now, this man who has cheated on his wife with you has the audacity to say this - 

Another, HUGE red flag. Do you not find it ironic that he is worried about the risk that you will cheat when he has essentially been doing that with/to you for years!!

I don’t know what you have tolerated this from a man for so long. If I was you, I would stay no contact and end it. This is weak man with very poor character who is still very much involved with his wife and does not want to leave his children. Not a good choice of relationship partner for you, I’m afraid. 

well, of course he will cheat when his wife dont want to have sex. Otherwise of course he can divorce her,but for the children he stayed and had sex with some girls and he was ok woth that  ultil he met me and show that he can live with another woman. His wife logically is asexual. She is a very good person,they didnt have fight,he doesnt speak bad for her,but noone of them 2 feel romantically for each other.  He have told me that he didnt like to do that but except divorce there werent other solution.

 

He is jealous because the reason I am not with my husband any more is that I cheated on him with anither person from the same hobby,a pesron that he sees almost every day and he cant stand it. I understand this ok but 3,5 years later he still says about this. So he met me in my strangest phase of my life. I am not like this,I had one small relationship at my 19 and then my husband. I needed to see other things,I did not feel something romantic with my husband,but I loved him and he loved me very much. Still we have a very good friendship.

 

Is is a huge mess!I know.But I choose to hope. I shouldnt I know. But how to accept that is over after all this future plans? pfff

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, aitna said:

well, of course he will cheat when his wife dont want to have sex.

Lots of men (and women) chose to treat their spouse with respect and either chose to stay in their marriage and/or divorce rather than cheat. The fact that he felt entitled to cheat says a lot about this man’s character and his problem solving. The fact that you seem to accept this as a reasonable decision also says a lot…

In terms of their marriage, you are not a part of their marriage so you don’t know what happens in their home. And, you should not believe the word of a man that you know to be a proven liar. He clearly does whatever serves him with little consideration for others - he will lie to you if/when it’s convenient for HIM. 

16 minutes ago, aitna said:

He is jealous because the reason I am not with my husband any more is that I cheated on him with anither person from the same hobby,a pesron that he sees almost every day and he cant stand it.

The trust issues go both ways. 

16 minutes ago, aitna said:

But how to accept that is over after all this future plans?

Like I said, he is likely to come back around… when it’s convenient for him. You need to decide if you chose this dysfunctional relationship for yourself or if you want to make a clean break from this mess. 

Edited August 1, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, aitna said:

well, of course he will cheat when his wife dont want to have sex. Otherwise of course he can divorce her,but for the children he stayed and had sex with some girls

It sounds like you met him at a bad time while you were going through a divorce. However if that is behind you, you are free and clear to find honest decent single men rather than a part-time lover who simply comes in and out of your life. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, aitna said:

Hello to all. I am from another country,so I am sorry for my English. Well I'll try to write my story. First of all I was married and he was and still id=s married .We met in our hobby and we became friends soon. We was trying to make something with me but firstly i didnt want even if i liked him.

We had very fun as friends,we were laughing a lot and messaging a lot hours a day . We also played together our hobby. After 8 months we kissed and soon we had sex. We keep doing this for some months more and very soon we fall in love.I was already not together with my husband but we lived in the same house and we had a good friendship. We was living with his wife and his 2 sons. We loves his wife but after the children ,about 9 years now they dond have sex,they dont sleep together,and there is not a sweet relationship between them. She does not like sex,she does not want it and so he cheated a lot of times this years but for one two times with each of them.

Then I was appeared to his life,he fall in love like he never has in the past,he started saying to me that he wants to be with me forever,he never felt like that,that he will speak to her and he though that she will ok with that. Well he had the best time of our lives being together,we had hour for examole in a car and never being boring,we were together almost alla day or messaging even if he had were there. After some months he speaked to her. of course it wasnt like he was expecting,there were angry,tears,she was socked and she begged on her knees to stay etc and he told me in teras that he loves me but he cant leave them. After a week of that we were again together.He came back and for some more months we were hidding but not so much.He felt more sure that he is leaving and come stay with me.

Well he spoke to her again. He left,we stayed for 15 days together and when he went to talk with her about divorce he told me that he cant, I know he feared also about money,as they have a house load together.After a week he came back to me. Again the same,he left for 2 months now,then again back to his house,then for 3 months with me,again bach to his house and then 5 month with me and now again to his house. Omg this is so funny seeing it written. hahahahhaha. All this is about 3 years now. Here I have to say that the reasons he is going bach is the children.The children do not know all this time nothing for me,that their father lives to a house with another woman and they keep asking him to go to see his house and he has to say lies to them alla the time and the pressure was too big for him. They called him with a camera and he was very very anxious all the time. He says that ok of course he loves his wife as a person afte 14 years but he sees her as a  mother or an old woman in the house.

 

Another problem is that he is very jelous of me and he cant stand some things I have done in my past and that he feels that I will stay with him 1,2 years and then I will find another man. So he is very insecure that I will stay with him forever and along with the guilt for the children we says that a reason he is leaving me is also that .I see how he is struggling with all that,I have seen him crying for me,he swear in his children that the only thing he wants is to grow old together and to be with me. He swears how much he loves me,that he cant be woithout me as many time he tried to be there and he tried hard to be without me..

He ehs 4 month there in his house and he messaged me after 25 days after he left my house. We told me that this time he will do it with the right way. He was goint to rent a house ,we will together and he can have any time in his new house the children adn he will not have this anxiety all the time. We will  sleep together the most days of course and when the feels ready he will tell the children about me. he has a ready house of his uncle and he spoke againe to the wife and children that he is leaving. Then I did something that he didnt like, I stayed more at party of the hobby that he asked me to leave and he was very jealous so he didnt leave. We didnt speak for a week .I sent him first for first time all this years and told him that i want to be with him,he told me that he is trying very hard to forget me but he cant .So again together .This was a month and a half ago.

All this month we are toghether but we fighiting a lot,as we always do and some day I was very angry because he lied to me for something (he told me the truth later because he did not want to upset me ) and i did not replied to his message and so he did not sent me again too. It is now 15 days.. Before this 15 days he promised and swear to his children thathe will leave them after 28/7 (his children had a tournament until then and he didnt want to upset him).

I decided no contact so 15 days now I havent sent and he hasnet sent. I feel terrible,I have no idea what he is doing, I think that he cant be ok. He is like a prisoner there this months because the one child has some ticks that went worse this months and his wife says to him that he is the reason. He loves the children,he tells me of course that they are the most important think for him and i am ok with that. He said it is the worst phase of his life,the only thinh he wants is to be with me,Ia m the only thing that makes him happy,but now 15 days..where is he?

 

He is not lying about sex with his wife.There is nothing like that there. Before some days she was begged him again to stay for the children etc and also told him that if the problem is the sex she will go to a doctor.He relpied that he dont want sex with her,he is still in love with me..but even after that she still want him there for the children. (i saw them written)

 

We both are 39.

 

I dont know why I am writting all them here..I want hear your opinion

Beca's L story brings me here.

 

Kisses from an exotic country!

From witch country is this forum?

 

 

1 hour ago, aitna said:

well, of course he will cheat when his wife dont want to have sex. Otherwise of course he can divorce her,but for the children he stayed and had sex with some girls and he was ok woth that  ultil he met me and show that he can live with another woman. His wife logically is asexual. She is a very good person,they didnt have fight,he doesnt speak bad for her,but noone of them 2 feel romantically for each other.  He have told me that he didnt like to do that but except divorce there werent other solution.

 

He is jealous because the reason I am not with my husband any more is that I cheated on him with anither person from the same hobby,a pesron that he sees almost every day and he cant stand it. I understand this ok but 3,5 years later he still says about this. So he met me in my strangest phase of my life. I am not like this,I had one small relationship at my 19 and then my husband. I needed to see other things,I did not feel something romantic with my husband,but I loved him and he loved me very much. Still we have a very good friendship.

 

Is is a huge mess!I know.But I choose to hope. I shouldnt I know. But how to accept that is over after all this future plans? pfff

This is an English speaking forum with members predominantly in North America, UK and Australia.

You’ve invested a lot of time and your life into this relationship but he hasn’t left his wife or divorced her. Did he ever discuss divorcing her? Not all spouses legally divorce after a split. 

His children will always be in his life, as will his ex-wife. It’s typical of cheaters to avoid confrontation and make excuses. The jealousy and insecurity in your relationship may never go away due to how you both met. 

He might have divorced his wife and set her free much earlier on if sexual incompatibility is an issue. Instead he chose to cheat and have sex outside the marriage. Those are choices he has made and he’s developed relationships with women who might have done the same. All his self-described issues and insecurities are his own making. I’m not sure if you realize that or if you’re still listening to the stories and unending narrative of “poor me” coming from him. 
 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, aitna said:

I want hear your opinion

 

Since he won't divorce and she keeps taking him back despite all of this, I think you're stuck with the situation. He clearly likes you, but it's not enough for him to leave.

What do you want? IF you're genuinely content with the situation as-is, it will likely continue for at least a while. If you want him to "choose you fully" and separate from her, it seems that's unlikely to happen...

Edited August 1, 2022 by mark clemson

[aitna]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

 

This is an English speaking forum with members predominantly in North America, UK and Australia.

You’ve invested a lot of time and your life into this relationship but he hasn’t left his wife or divorced her. Did he ever discuss divorcing her? Not all spouses legally divorce after a split. 

His children will always be in his life, as will his ex-wife. It’s typical of cheaters to avoid confrontation and make excuses. The jealousy and insecurity in your relationship may never go away due to how you both met. 

He might have divorced his wife and set her free much earlier on if sexual incompatibility is an issue. Instead he chose to cheat and have sex outside the marriage. Those are choices he has made and he’s developed relationships with women who might have done the same. All his self-described issues and insecurities are his own making. I’m not sure if you realize that or if you’re still listening to the stories and unending narrative of “poor me” coming from him. 
 

Hello!!Yes he says that he will but wait from her more because he dont want to make her get mad. They have make the deals about the money etc they asked the laywer about the procedure. I havent took my divorce with my husband too.

I know about the jealously and ii was flattering in the beggining but after very tiresome.It was very  unhealthy for him also. Many times he was so mad that he told me that he is going to have a stroke. Because he is like a prisoner in his house and I am out or for other reasons.

We did not stop beaing together all these years expept some days after every break up.

 

guysI know you speak with logic..but my I am very sad now. I want so bad him to send me a message. I am afraid how I will be without him. I am beaing mean and I want him not to be ok without me,as I am not.

[aitna]

26 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

 

Since he won't divorce and she keeps taking him back despite all of this, I think you're stuck with the situation. He clearly likes you, but it's not enough for him to leave.

What do you want? IF you're genuinely content with the situation as-is, it will likely continue for at least a while. If you want him to "choose you fully" and separate from her, it seems that's unlikely to happen...

why you think it unlikely? He left many times which means that he wants it too much. Yes he goes back for some reasons,the children and ecnomical reasons. But most og MM men never leave. He is trying to be with me he is not only words as the most og married men. No? 😢

 

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, aitna said:

I know about the jealously and ii was flattering in the beggining but after very tiresome.It was very  unhealthy for him also. Many times he was so mad that he told me that he is going to have a stroke. Because he is like a prisoner in his house and I am out or for other reasons.

We did not stop beaing together all these years expept some days after every break up.

Do you realize how very unhealthy this relationship is for you? First, you are both married to other people. You have a very on again-off again relationship with multiple breakups. Jealousy, trust issues - he feels trapped in his relationships. These are indeed all problems of his own creation and he doesn’t seem to have a plan to get himself to a healthier place. He is apparently jumping from one unhealthy relationship to another - as are you. 

Have you ever had the opportunity to speak with a counsellor? Because, counselling would be a very wise decision for you right now. 

[BaileyB]

Just now, aitna said:

why you think it unlikely? He left many times which means that he wants it too much. Yes he goes back for some reasons,the children and ecnomical reasons. But most og MM men never leave. He is trying to be with me he is not only words as the most og married men. No? 😢

 

He is INCREDIBLY conflict avoidant. 

The fact that your MM has left his wife for you only to return time and time again is not a good thing. It is a sign that this man is very conflicted. Add the trust issues, the jealousy, the fact that you have both been unfaithful - this relationship has a very, very small chance that it will be a healthy, long term relationship for you. Nothing in the history of this relationship would indicate that this is even a possibility. 

 

[aitna]

45 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Do you realize how very unhealthy this relationship is for you? First, you are both married to other people. You have a very on again-off again relationship with multiple breakups. Jealousy, trust issues - he feels trapped in his relationships. These are indeed all problems of his own creation and he doesn’t seem to have a plan to get himself to a healthier place. He is apparently jumping from one unhealthy relationship to another - as are you. 

Have you ever had the opportunity to speak with a counsellor? Because, counselling would be a very wise decision for you right now. 

I havent. I should go. I dont know about a conselour or a phycologist. To help me overcome the break up . I know what is the right for  me. To break up and I know that the situation is toxic for me. What holds me is the good things. When we are good we are very happy,very in love,the sex is fantastic,we talking,we laughing,we have the same crazyness,it is wonderful and it's very painful that we will not do all the things we have dream to do together.

 

I am thinking that Beca L after a year said that she wasnt totally ok kai that make me terified. I dont want to feel so sad for a year or more.

 

You think he will contact? If he does I should be strong. But..

[BaileyB]

36 minutes ago, aitna said:

What holds me is the good things. When we are good we are very happy,very in love,the sex is fantastic,we talking,we laughing,we have the same crazyness,it is wonderful

This would matter very little to me when he goes home to his wife and family. I would be very angry and I would be done. There are other men and honestly, I would rather be alone than in a relationship with a man that I can’t trust. 

This reminds me a little of an abusive marriage. The woman says - “when the times are good, they are very good. He is happy, he is kind, we laugh and we have fun together… but then he hits me. He yells at me. He hurts me. He walks away in a rage… but when he comes back, it’s wonderful. He apologizes. He says he doesn’t want to hurt me. He says he loves me.”

This is the cycle of abuse. The good times keep you around… but kindly, what he is doing is incredibly hurtful. If he wanted to be with you, he would file for divorce. As would you. Of course, divorce is hard and very expensive - but people do it every day. Right now, he has one foot in and one foot out the door… Right now, he actually has two feet out the door - he has gone back to his family. He has chosen his marriage. 

Of course it will hurt to end the relationship. But, so you want it to hurt for six months or a year and then you recover to find something healthier for your life - or do this relationship drama and pain to go on indefinitely? Because this is a different kind of hurt. I’m sorry to say, nothing he has done has indicated that he is prepared to actually file for divorce and be with you long term. And, as I said above, it’s very difficult if not impossible to build a healthy relationship on a cracked and broken foundation. That’s what you have right now - he is broken, he is conflicted, he is jealous and insecure, he feels trapped, he is dishonest, he is untrustworthy - he is married to another woman - how do you see this moving forward in any other way than it has even if he was to turn up at your door again tomorrow? 

Edited August 1, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, aitna said:

I dont want to feel so sad for a year or more.

You already feel bad that he stays with his wife and is on/off with you. So it's a matter of feel bad for a little while then find someone to really be happy with, or drag this out and keep feeling bad.

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, aitna said:

 Yes he goes back for some reasons,the children and ecnomical reasons... He is trying to be with me he is not only words as the most og married men. No? 😢

I suspect that there will always be a some reason. Kids, money, "exposure" of the affair. He might leave eventually but I would not bet any money on this happening. He can stay and not disrupt the life he is used to, AND also have you (just not "full time").

If that is the case - why should he leave?

[aitna]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I suspect that there will always be a some reason. Kids, money, "exposure" of the affair. He might leave eventually but I would not bet any money on this happening. He can stay and not disrupt the life he is used to, AND also have you (just not "full time").

If that is the case - why should he leave?

But he have told his wife 3 week ago that he cant stand be in their house and he wants to be with me. That he still feels for me and that he stays there for the children.

You say he might leave..but he had left again in the past.we lived together and when he goes back to his family in a week he comes back to me. He says that it was stupid to try again there,he cant be happy. Yes I know..you will say that now is there and if we wanted he would be with me.

He is a not a person that wants to fool me to be with him when he lives with his family.He dont have me when he is there.He is like a prisoner there we cant meet easy,his is almost all day with the children. I mean if he is there he cant have me . He cant come even to the hobby he loves.

[aitna]

11 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This would matter very little to me when he goes home to his wife and family. I would be very angry and I would be done. There are other men and honestly, I would rather be alone than in a relationship with a man that I can’t trust. 

This reminds me a little of an abusive marriage. The woman says - “when the times are good, they are very good. He is happy, he is kind, we laugh and we have fun together… but then he hits me. He yells at me. He hurts me. He walks away in a rage… but when he comes back, it’s wonderful. He apologizes. He says he doesn’t want to hurt me. He says he loves me.”

This is the cycle of abuse. The good times keep you around… but kindly, what he is doing is incredibly hurtful. If he wanted to be with you, he would file for divorce. As would you. Of course, divorce is hard and very expensive - but people do it every day. Right now, he has one foot in and one foot out the door… Right now, he actually has two feet out the door - he has gone back to his family. He has chosen his marriage. 

Of course it will hurt to end the relationship. But, so you want it to hurt for six months or a year and then you recover to find something healthier for your life - or do this relationship drama and pain to go on indefinitely? Because this is a different kind of hurt. I’m sorry to say, nothing he has done has indicated that he is prepared to actually file for divorce and be with you long term. And, as I said above, it’s very difficult if not impossible to build a healthy relationship on a cracked and broken foundation. That’s what you have right now - he is broken, he is conflicted, he is jealous and insecure, he feels trapped, he is dishonest, he is untrustworthy - he is married to another woman - how do you see this moving forward in any other way than it has even if he was to turn up at your door again tomorrow? 

that's right. I know you all are right.

But you know how difficult is for me right now to accept that i have to keep going without him in my life.

I am afraid that every day will be worse and worse..

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, aitna said:

He is like a prisoner there we cant meet easy,his is almost all day with the children. I mean if he is there he cant have me . He cant come even to the hobby he loves.

Kindly, he's not like a prisoner, he's a father.   A father who can't bear to split his children's world apart, and so he makes the choice to stay.   

[aitna]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Kindly, he's not like a prisoner, he's a father.   A father who can't bear to split his children's world apart, and so he makes the choice to stay.   

Yes of course he is a father and he loves his children more than anything. But he was all day with them and I mean really all day. He told that feels like a prisoner and is the worst phase of his life,because of the problem the one children has and because he was not with me. And he told me that the best senario for him is to forget me and stay with them but as many times he tried that in 3-4 days it was unbearable. Maybe this time he manage to stay. And logically is for the best for me,but I will see it when I will be okay.

[basil67]

Sounds like he's big on complaining and low on action, hurts both you and his wife repeatedly by leaving and coming home, cheating with various women is part of his long term behavior and he's also a hypocrite when he judges you for having cheated in the past.  You might love him, but how can you respect him?  He is not the kind of man which would make a good partner. 

Next time he tells you he feels like a prisoner, tell him that you're tired of hearing his complaints and remind him that he can leave any time he wants.  

[aitna]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sounds like he's big on complaining and low on action, hurts both you and his wife repeatedly by leaving and coming home, cheating with various women is part of his long term behavior and he's also a hypocrite when he judges you for having cheated in the past.  You might love him, but how can you respect him?  He is not the kind of man which would make a good partner. 

Next time he tells you he feels like a prisoner, tell him that you're tired of hearing his complaints and remind him that he can leave any time he wants.  

He told he is like a prisoner when his child get worse with his problem.He knew that he couldnt leave then,he had to stay there of course. He is not a bad person,he is in a very painful situation. Yes of course that doesnt mean that I should wait for him. He has to find the solutions and if he does then to come to me.But I have to try to move on,even if sometimes this terifies me!

[basil67]

I am also the parent of a disabled child who needs a lot of support. I know a lot of other parents who's kids need a lot of support - yes this situation is tough for a parent and our life is not what we planned it to be.  But this man gets zero sympathy from me because nobody can reasonably blame this family situation for being a serial cheater or repeatedly hurting his family by leaving and returning. 

I strongly suggest you stop being so sympathetic and at his choices with critical eyes.

 

Edited August 2, 2022 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

This man is never going to leave his wife completely, OP. 

What you have now is the most it's ever going to be. It's time to wake up and stop believing his garbage. 

[aitna]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This man is never going to leave his wife completely, OP. 

What you have now is the most it's ever going to be. It's time to wake up and stop believing his garbage. 

but how all of you are you so sure for a person you dont know and for a story that you heard some things from me?

I have seen him cry for me,scared to loose me,love me etc.

And all of you are so sure without knowing him and what he is going through.

I know I am an idiot for defend him even now that maybe we do not speak again, but excuse me..it is very soon for me..

I miss him and all I am thinking is if he is coming back after no contact.