He left his home form me more than one times but now he is back again.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, aitna said:

I miss him and all I am thinking is if he is coming back after no contact.

While he is incommunicado, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single honest men who want what you want.

You're not in an exclusive relationship so you are free to date anyone you wish.

[aitna]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

While he is incommunicado, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single honest men who want what you want.

You're not in an exclusive relationship so you are free to date anyone you wish.

I dont want to date. It's very very soon for me. I cant imagine anyone even to touch me. My heart and my mind in only to him. Same his and I know that. Even his wife told him to go to a doctor to see why she dont like sex and he told her that he dont want to have sex with her because he still wants me. And I show them written. And its 3 week ago.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, aitna said:

but how all of you are you so sure for a person you dont know and for a story that you heard some things from me?

I have seen him cry for me,scared to loose me,love me etc.

We know for sure because his words don't match his actions.  If he truly wanted you more than anything and was scared to lose you, he would have left his wife long ago and helped his children get through it.  

How can you begin to trust a man who's cheated on his wife so many times?  If you were the one and only woman he'd stepped outside his marriage for, perhaps it could mean something, but this guy has a history of putting his penis in any woman who lets him.  This is not a man who can be trusted.  

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, aitna said:

but how all of you are you so sure for a person you dont know and for a story that you heard some things from me?

Because it's blantantly obvious from the story you shared that if he is not going to leave her and start a new life with you. 

He never actually has. If he really wanted to, he would. It's that simple. It's not as difficult as he's telling you. 

2 hours ago, aitna said:

I am an idiot for defend him

You're not an idiot. But you are very blinded by your emotions and not ready yet to face reality. That will take time. 

[aitna]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

We know for sure because his words don't match his actions.  If he truly wanted you more than anything and was scared to lose you, he would have left his wife long ago and helped his children get through it.  

How can you begin to trust a man who's cheated on his wife so many times?  If you were the one and only woman he'd stepped outside his marriage for, perhaps it could mean something, but this guy has a history of putting his penis in any woman who lets him.  This is not a man who can be trusted.  

I explained that 10years he hadn't sex with his wife because she dont like sex,maybe asexual. So he had to go with other women 1,2 times with each with no other feelings and women that he would not see again. It;s a biological need. he didnt want to divorce due to the children . I dont say that this is the right choice,but it is something that men do even they have sex with their wives.He didn'd like that he have to do that but when your wive don't let you even to touch her sexually then I dont think is only his fault. She admitts that it is her fault.

 

What we had has nothing to do with the other girls had sex. He never even thought to leave his family before met me. And he did. ok several times 😅 but that means something . You make this looks like he did the same with other girls as with me.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, aitna said:

I explained that 10years he hadn't sex with his wife because she dont like sex

Please don't fall for this. A lot of cheating married men say this. It is often not true. Unless you are in their bedroom, you have no idea how often they have sex. 

2 minutes ago, aitna said:

You make this looks like he did the same with other girls as with me

He probably has, OP. You need to wake up here. 

[aitna]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because it's blantantly obvious from the story you shared that if he is not going to leave her and start a new life with you. 

He never actually has. If he really wanted to, he would. It's that simple. It's not as difficult as he's telling you. 

You're not an idiot. But you are very blinded by your emotions and not ready yet to face reality. That will take time. 

But he did. We livewd together about a year if you put it together. He couldnt withstand all the pressure of his son. He made some months patience  with the hope that he would stop to check him all the time but then he was anxious all the time. I could see him .He wasnt calm. Yes I can understand that maybe he choose to stay there because is more convenient (economicaly and for children and the insecurity for our relationship) but never say never..

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, aitna said:

But he did. We livewd together about a year if you put it together.r..

And he still went back to her. Therefore, he didn't actually start a new life with you. He wants his marriage more. 

You are wasting your time on this man.

[aitna]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Please don't fall for this. A lot of cheating married men say this. It is often not true. Unless you are in their bedroom, you have no idea how often they have sex. 

He probably has, OP. You need to wake up here. 

I know they had no sex many years. I know from friends she admitted. Not only from him. And it is not something that he will be proud to say that 10 years had not sex. If he had told that they stop sex when he met me then yes..it would a lie.

 

 

[aitna]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And he still went back to her. Therefore, he didn't actually start a new life with you. He wants his marriage more. 

You are wasting your time on this man.

Are you from Italy?

[ExpatInItaly]

How many times they have sex is irrelevant, at the end of the day. (It's none of your business either) He is not a good person for seeking sex from anyone, for any reason. 

You are still wasting your time on a man who wants to stay in his marriage. It's going to wise that realize he will never give you what you want, and let him go forever. 

And no, I am not from Italy originally - but I have lived here in Italy for about 10 years now. 

Edited August 2, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[aitna]

ok. You make it seems totally meaningfull what I had with him.

I am in a coutry near to you. I have vist italy many times!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, aitna said:

 I show them written. And its 3 week ago.

When is the last time you spoke to him or saw him? Their sexual health life is not your business. Many cheaters say they don't have sex at home and many cheaters lie about things. You can wait for him to come around again, but you don't seem that happy about things.

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, aitna said:

But he have told his wife 3 week ago that he cant stand be in their house and he wants to be with me. That he still feels for me and that he stays there for the children.

 

He is a not a person that wants to fool me to be with him when he lives with his family.He dont have me when he is there.He is like a prisoner there we cant meet easy,his is almost all day with the children. I mean if he is there he cant have me .

Perhaps so, and perhaps he will leave for you permanently eventually. It can and does happen and no doubt he did not particularly enjoy a sexless decade in his marriage. However be aware it is not the usual case, and that is something to take into account. His "need" to be with you constantly may be less great than you think and the joy of spending time with you may decrease over time. IF there will be a large financial impact of leaving, that is something he may take into account.

No one can tell you the future and you may get him in the end, but what you see right now is that he leaves to be with you and then returns.

"Hope for the best, but also be prepared for the worst" as they say.

Edited August 2, 2022 by mark clemson

[MilaVaneela]

10 hours ago, aitna said:

I explained that 10years he hadn't sex with his wife because she dont like sex,maybe asexual. So he had to go with other women 1,2 times with each with no other feelings and women that he would not see again. It;s a biological need.

 

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Please don't fall for this. A lot of cheating married men say this. It is often not true. Unless you are in their bedroom, you have no idea how often they have sex. 

My ex husband did this. He told the other woman that I was frigid [and] never had sex with him, but the truth of the matter was that we were still having sex regularly and I became pregnant while he was also hooking up with the OW. Although to be fair I probably would have stopped sleeping with him if I had known that he was cheating and it would have saved me a lot of mental AND physical pain. 

Edited August 2, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[justwhoiam]

Hi,

First of all, I'll give you my perspective stemming from my personal experience spanning over a decade. I'm now putting myself in your shoes, though I must admit I'd never allow this yo-yo dynamic in my relationship. We had a few breakups, we went through a rollercoaster of emotions, but we're now both more mature and we know our bond is not gonna break regardless of anything.

Anyway:

1. He has doubts about you. You had lively arguments, and despite what other people said so far, a weak man just complies. A stronger men will fight and argue. And that's exactly what happened. In a passionate relationship, this can happen. Tones can go overboard. The passion that you've experienced in the bedroom, you're often bound to experience out of the bedroom. The relationship with the wife is quite likely different, and characterized by general flatness. The two of them reached a comfort zone that resembles a long friendship, each of them have their own space and little friction. So, he's between two fires there. No butterflies, no strong attraction, but serenity in a home with children. You gave him passion, feeling desired/desirable again, you make him feel like a man, but that came with a price: hostility, doubts, jealousy. Hence a peak of strong emotions. And he went from storm to quiet, multiple and multiple times again. He'd deserve feelings and comfort, but he's not having both. So see if you can work on that, if you really want the relationship for the long-run. I think it's possible because we reached that. So I'm the living proof. His nature will play a role. How nervous he gets, how mad, and how he can deal with those feelings. But one thing for sure: your needs have to be met in the equation. Or as others suggested, you should simply leave.

2. Your relationship with the children. Right now, it's nonexistent. Of course, that depends on him, but it starts with point #1. I didn't read about children of your own, so I'm guessing you've never had any. Can you be as compassionate and understanding as a mother or even as their own mom? I'm a mother, and I've always thought about his children as my own. They have priority over anything. So, on one hand, he might have doubts about your parenting qualities, and on the other hand he might see you as controversial and trying to keep you away from them. Plus. he might have to be there to watch them playing sports or for any major event or little thing happening while growing up, making them feel safe and loved, and you're only gonna lose if you start fighting over his time with them. He's going so far as to move out of home to a house all to himself, rather than taking them home to you. And to me, after 3.5 years of relationship, that's a red flag. Maybe you need to start showing him that side of you, how well do you get along with kids? How practical can you be with them? Do you know how to handle situations? Reassuring them? One thing for sure: no PDA in front of them.

3. You need to have boundaries and demand respect of you and your boundaries, such as "I'm only up for an exclusive relationship",  or "broken trust needs to be rebuilt slowly and it takes time", where he needs to show his commitment to you. So far, I didn't see a single instance of real commitment. Although he comes back to you for his own benefit (mainly sex), he didn't prove his love. So you might ask: how can he prove his love for me? Well, I'll just say my man's approach started being: it's not my money, it's our money. That for a man is huge, I think. It shows 100% trust, and I never abused it. He wrote poems for me, he sang for me, helped me whenever I needed help for my job and I was feeling overwhelmed (trying to relieve me anyway he could). So that means showing he cares about your wellbeing, and taking action to achieve it.

4. The wife. You need to start considering she'll always be there. So how do you wanna go about it? Before your arrival, there was quiet in her home. So that's what you shouldn't mess up. Which means her children need to be fine, her financial status shouldn't be compromised. If he decided to get separated, he would't be around as much, but he might still have to be around for social or family events such as Christmas or you name it. Can you put up with that? Or you want her out? You need to ask that to yourself and find the real answer. That goes back to #1 again (because he obviously has doubts about how to go on with all that in case the two women can't stand each other).

There might be more, but I guess I covered pretty much with my statements and comments above.

One question for you: where are you from?

[justwhoiam]

1 hour ago, MilaVaneela said:

we were still having sex regularly

What's your idea of regularly? People have different opinions about that. I have a friend now in his early 40s who opened up to me last week (I've known him for 17 years) and he said that sex is happening like 3 or 4 times a year with his wife, and it got unbearable. I'm not saying that was your case, of course. But I guess the wife thinks they have sex regularly, every three months. As for me, I know I would be very turned off about planned sex every Saturday night, which I know is a frequent arrangement among married couples.

[MilaVaneela]

4 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

What's your idea of regularly? People have different opinions about that. I have a friend now in his early 40s who opened up to me last week (I've known him for 17 years) and he said that sex is happening like 3 or 4 times a year with his wife, and it got unbearable. I'm not saying that was your case, of course. But I guess the wife thinks they have sex regularly, every three months. As for me, I know I would be very turned off about planned sex every Saturday night, which I know is a frequent arrangement among married couples.

We were having sex five to six days a week. Even when I was pregnant and puking my guts up. Sometimes he didn’t give me the option of saying “no”.

All I was trying to say is that the old “oh my wife/husband never has sex with me” isn’t always true. 

[basil67]

10 hours ago, aitna said:

I explained that 10years he hadn't sex with his wife because she dont like sex,maybe asexual. So he had to go with other women 1,2 times with each with no other feelings and women that he would not see again. It;s a biological need. he didnt want to divorce due to the children . I dont say that this is the right choice,but it is something that men do even they have sex with their wives.He didn'd like that he have to do that but when your wive don't let you even to touch her sexually then I dont think is only his fault. She admitts that it is her fault.

Sex is not a biological need.  Biological needs are air, food, water and shelter/warm clothes.  People do not die without sex.

Quote

What we had has nothing to do with the other girls had sex. He never even thought to leave his family before met me. And he did. ok several times 😅 but that means something . You make this looks like he did the same with other girls as with me.

Well that's what he says.   Truth is that he could well have had messy affair relationships previously, and you're all the same in that he's lied about you all to his wife

Edited August 2, 2022 by basil67

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, MilaVaneela said:

We were having sex five to six days a week. Even when I was pregnant and puking my guts up. Sometimes he didn’t give me the option of saying “no”.

All I was trying to say is that the old “oh my wife/husband never has sex with me” isn’t always true. 

There's another woman on this board whose husband's mistress was told they slept in separate bedrooms and she said they were actually having sex every night of the week.  These cheating married men all tell the same lies.  It's incredible, there must be a manual they use.

[basil67]

A friend of mine caught her husband in an affair.  He told his mistress that he wasn't getting sex at home, but in fact they were having sex and sleeping naked with each other every night.  My friend wrote his mistress a letter to set the facts straight.

And after the fallout from the affair, they chose to repair their marriage and are now very solid

Edited August 2, 2022 by basil67

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

There's another woman on this board whose husband's mistress was told they slept in separate bedrooms and she said they were actually having sex every night of the week.  These cheating married men all tell the same lies.  It's incredible, there must be a manual they use.

If they told the truth, that he is happily married to a woman who adores him and they have regular sex - no woman would have sex with him. So instead, they give their woe is me story - life is hard, raising children is hard, I feel neglected because my wife is working and cleaning my home and raising my children. And the rest is history… 

4 hours ago, MilaVaneela said:

We were having sex five to six days a week. Even when I was pregnant and puking my guts up. Sometimes he didn’t give me the option of saying “no”.

I’m really very sorry that this happened to you. 

Edited August 3, 2022 by BaileyB

[SummerDreams]

Nothing we say to you will make you change your attitude towards this man and this situation. You have been brainwashed well. If he really loved you, he would never make you suffer that much. Children get used to divorce after some time and there are more kids with divorced parents than with parents happily married. The only way you will leave this sick situation is if you find yourself on the ground covered with mud. Then you will have the need to breathe and leave.

Δεν το αξίζει κανείς όλο αυτό.

[BaileyB]

 

[aitna]

5 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

Nothing we say to you will make you change your attitude towards this man and this situation. You have been brainwashed well. If he really loved you, he would never make you suffer that much. Children get used to divorce after some time and there are more kids with divorced parents than with parents happily married. The only way you will leave this sick situation is if you find yourself on the ground covered with mud. Then you will have the need to breathe and leave.

Δεν το αξίζει κανείς όλο αυτό.

Hey,are you from Greece?