He left his home form me more than one times but now he is back again.

[glows]

Nothing much has changed in 10 years of you seeing him. Nothing much may happen in the next 10 years. What you have seen is a man scuttling back and forth between different houses, what seems to be a very tormented creature torn between what he feel he has to do and what he wants to do. He is split and he will continue to live a split or double life until he reconciles how to move forward. Sadly, you are just standing on the sidelines and unable to speed the process or see it to completion as the decision is solely his to divorce and leave his wife or family. 

I don’t know how much time you have or how much you’re willing to let your youth and life pass you by. It seems you’re emotionally invested and hurt over someone who can’t even trust you and flies into jealous rages when he feels scared. He is always scared and he has always been torn since you met him. 

When you decide to be with someone pick someone at peace with themselves, not tormented like this full of problems that are major issues, unresolved issues. You still care about him so figure out whether you can live with yourself being with someone who chooses to live this way. You are not divorced yet either so start dealing with your divorce and move on. Chances are you won’t find individuals like this attractive or appealing if you were totally 100% available.

[aitna]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

Nothing much has changed in 10 years of you seeing him. Nothing much may happen in the next 10 years. What you have seen is a man scuttling back and forth between different houses, what seems to be a very tormented creature torn between what he feel he has to do and what he wants to do. He is split and he will continue to live a split or double life until he reconciles how to move forward. Sadly, you are just standing on the sidelines and unable to speed the process or see it to completion as the decision is solely his to divorce and leave his wife or family. 

I don’t know how much time you have or how much you’re willing to let your youth and life pass you by. It seems you’re emotionally invested and hurt over someone who can’t even trust you and flies into jealous rages when he feels scared. He is always scared and he has always been torn since you met him. 

When you decide to be with someone pick someone at peace with themselves, not tormented like this full of problems that are major issues, unresolved issues. You still care about him so figure out whether you can live with yourself being with someone who chooses to live this way. You are not divorced yet either so start dealing with your divorce and move on. Chances are you won’t find individuals like this attractive or appealing if you were totally 100% available.

3 years no 10! But still are a lot. You are right that he is between his emotion for me and that he trully would like to leave his life with me and on the other hand is the right think in his mind to do,to stay with the family and he hopes that he will forget about me someday. And even he comes back the truth is that our relationship is toxic enough.I was a very independent woman in my previous marriage and now with him I had to be different. In some cases he was right but sometimes he was undue. So many fights for he jealously and It was something he was experiencing for first time in his life and he couldnt stand it. This was also one of the reasons that he left me. Many times he told me that he does not recognize himself and his behavior.  And sometimes the same happened to me and I understand how he feels as I ffeel the same but for me was less often.

 

I dont want to let my youth pass of course. Ι think that this time it is the end. I am afraid of what to expect of my grief. I dont want to be a year or more. I want to be the happy-all day laughing girl I was always been.

 

[glows]

9 minutes ago, aitna said:

I want to be the happy-all day laughing girl I was always been.

 

Then focus on doing more of this. Laughing and enjoying your life, not worrying over someone else’s problems. He offers nothing. 

Sadness is part of life. It comes and goes because with life also comes disappointment and failure. We can learn from that and start getting smarter about our choices. 

Edited August 3, 2022 by glows

[aitna]

23 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

Hi,

First of all, I'll give you my perspective stemming from my personal experience spanning over a decade. I'm now putting myself in your shoes, though I must admit I'd never allow this yo-yo dynamic in my relationship. We had a few breakups, we went through a rollercoaster of emotions, but we're now both more mature and we know our bond is not gonna break regardless of anything.

Anyway:

1. He has doubts about you. You had lively arguments, and despite what other people said so far, a weak man just complies. A stronger men will fight and argue. And that's exactly what happened. In a passionate relationship, this can happen. Tones can go overboard. The passion that you've experienced in the bedroom, you're often bound to experience out of the bedroom. The relationship with the wife is quite likely different, and characterized by general flatness. The two of them reached a comfort zone that resembles a long friendship, each of them have their own space and little friction. So, he's between two fires there. No butterflies, no strong attraction, but serenity in a home with children. You gave him passion, feeling desired/desirable again, you make him feel like a man, but that came with a price: hostility, doubts, jealousy. Hence a peak of strong emotions. And he went from storm to quiet, multiple and multiple times again. He'd deserve feelings and comfort, but he's not having both. So see if you can work on that, if you really want the relationship for the long-run. I think it's possible because we reached that. So I'm the living proof. His nature will play a role. How nervous he gets, how mad, and how he can deal with those feelings. But one thing for sure: your needs have to be met in the equation. Or as others suggested, you should simply leave.

2. Your relationship with the children. Right now, it's nonexistent. Of course, that depends on him, but it starts with point #1. I didn't read about children of your own, so I'm guessing you've never had any. Can you be as compassionate and understanding as a mother or even as their own mom? I'm a mother, and I've always thought about his children as my own. They have priority over anything. So, on one hand, he might have doubts about your parenting qualities, and on the other hand he might see you as controversial and trying to keep you away from them. Plus. he might have to be there to watch them playing sports or for any major event or little thing happening while growing up, making them feel safe and loved, and you're only gonna lose if you start fighting over his time with them. He's going so far as to move out of home to a house all to himself, rather than taking them home to you. And to me, after 3.5 years of relationship, that's a red flag. Maybe you need to start showing him that side of you, how well do you get along with kids? How practical can you be with them? Do you know how to handle situations? Reassuring them? One thing for sure: no PDA in front of them.

3. You need to have boundaries and demand respect of you and your boundaries, such as "I'm only up for an exclusive relationship",  or "broken trust needs to be rebuilt slowly and it takes time", where he needs to show his commitment to you. So far, I didn't see a single instance of real commitment. Although he comes back to you for his own benefit (mainly sex), he didn't prove his love. So you might ask: how can he prove his love for me? Well, I'll just say my man's approach started being: it's not my money, it's our money. That for a man is huge, I think. It shows 100% trust, and I never abused it. He wrote poems for me, he sang for me, helped me whenever I needed help for my job and I was feeling overwhelmed (trying to relieve me anyway he could). So that means showing he cares about your wellbeing, and taking action to achieve it.

4. The wife. You need to start considering she'll always be there. So how do you wanna go about it? Before your arrival, there was quiet in her home. So that's what you shouldn't mess up. Which means her children need to be fine, her financial status shouldn't be compromised. If he decided to get separated, he would't be around as much, but he might still have to be around for social or family events such as Christmas or you name it. Can you put up with that? Or you want her out? You need to ask that to yourself and find the real answer. That goes back to #1 again (because he obviously has doubts about how to go on with all that in case the two women can't stand each other).

There might be more, but I guess I covered pretty much with my statements and comments above.

One question for you: where are you from?

Hey girl. I am happy for you that everything went the way you want!

Thank you for all the advices,too.

It is like you said. He wants feelings and comfort and he cant have both. I thought that he will choose me finally beacause I have seen him how crazy he was about me, I lsaw how much in love he is with me and he loved me. He made a lot of things for me to show his love small ot bigger. But I know our love was not yet as much as could be if we stayed together in the future. And I am saying that because the love I feel for my ex husband is much bigger even I dont feel romantically for him anymore.

 

I know his children from when we were friends. They liked me.They asking him where I am,if we play together the hobby  and they said that I was fun
(his big son). But maybe he understads something.

Girl if we are good together I dont care if the wife is always there. When we lived together of course the speak every day for the children or called him to tell to call the children because they are not quite or to fox something in their house. I also have not problem to pass a lot of time with his children .I like it because I am an independent person and I like to do things with my friends. But this is nice when there is a trustworthy relationship. Now with this behavior even he comes back I will not be calm. I will always afraid that he will leave again.

I know thw logoc says that the best for me is that he never comes back.And these 17 days tno contact it looks like 5 months to me.I dont think that he will contact me. And I dont know what to say if contacts me.  Some days I think that when he swore to his children that he will leave his house again and I have to wait only 10 tens days, i get angry with me that I couldnt wait to see what will happen and I did what I did.. I dont want to think 'what if'.

some friends say to stay no contact. Another friend says to send him a message telling him that I am confused as he said to wait until 28/7 (where his son tournament finished) and he doesnt said anything. I ghosted him and he ghosted then too. and ask him if he took his final decisions so then I can move on with my own life (to write it also).

What do you think is better?

 

[aitna]

26 minutes ago, glows said:

Then focus on doing more of this. Laughing and enjoying your life, not worrying over someone else’s problems. He offers nothing. 

Sadness is part of life. It comes and goes because with life also comes disappointment and failure. We can learn from that and start getting smarter about our choices. 

I know. But I dont like that know in my 39 I have to start a knew life. I wish I was younger or to learn younger. But I sond have experience on relationships .Before my husband I had one small relationship,then my husband and know him.

[BaileyB]

38 minutes ago, aitna said:

I am afraid of what to expect of my grief. I dont want to be a year or more.

Obviously, you must grieve the end of the relationship. But, the good news is, how you move through the end of this relationship is largely decided by you. If you chose to wallow in grief you may do so indefinitely. That said, if you find yourself a counsellor and begin the process of discovering what lead you to chose this unhealthy relationship for yourself such that you can determine some ways that you can move on and find your own happiness - that is exactly what you will do. 

Happiness is a choice. It’s the old quote from Henry Ford - “people are as happy as they chose to be.”

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, aitna said:

But I dont like that know in my 39 I have to start a knew life.

I once heard it said that life is about learning how to start over. Those who are truly successful and happy in this life are those who are able to start over as many time as necessary.

Thirty nine is not too old to find a new and wonderful life for yourself. Besides, better to do this at 39 than 45. You have wasted a lot of time on this man who can’t decide what he wants - best not to waste another day or another year. The longer you stay in this dead end relationship the harder it will be to leave and rebuild yourself and your own life. 

Edited August 3, 2022 by BaileyB

[aitna]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Obviously, you must grieve the end of the relationship. But, the good news is, how you move through the end of this relationship is largely decided by you. If you chose to wallow in grief you may do so indefinitely. That said, if you find yourself a counsellor and begin the process of discovering what lead you to chose this unhealthy relationship for yourself such that you can determine some ways that you can move on and find your own happiness - that is exactly what you will do. 

Happiness is a choice. It’s the old quote from Henry Ford - “people are as happy as they chose to be.”

I dont believe that we are as happy as we choose. Life is out choices but also lack. And then is the character of each person. How strong he/she is,how optimistic etc.

For me I know that I never wanna be miserable and I always fight to be happy if I am not. I have a strom in front of me now. I take it day by day. And I hope to be again a happy girl the sooner.

[BaileyB]

Fate whispers to the warrior, “you are not strong enough to withstand the storm.”

And the warrior whispers back, “I am the storm.”

[glows]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Fate whispers to the warrior, “you are not strong enough to withstand the storm.”

And the warrior whispers back, “I am the storm.”

Well said. 

[BaileyB]

Just now, glows said:

Well said. 

It’s a favourite quote of mine… reminds me of my own strength and the fact that we do control how we chose to deal with the things that happen in our lives - 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, aitna said:

Another friend says to send him a message telling him that I am confused

This is pointless. This guy doesn't care if you're confused. He cares about meeting his own needs. Yours are not a priority.

1 hour ago, aitna said:

some friends say to stay no contact.

Listen to these friends. They know he is not going to leave and be with you forever. 

[basil67]

You are confused because you are listening to his words abut his actions aren't matching.   If you start to view his actions rather than his words, your confusion will end.  

Always remember that words and tears are meaningless if a person's actions don't match them.  

 

[BaileyB]

53 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You are confused because you are listening to his words abut his actions aren't matching.   If you start to view his actions rather than his words, your confusion will end.  

Always remember that words and tears are meaningless if a person's actions don't match them.  

 

Words are easy… and meaningless when not backed up by action. 

[glows]

On 8/3/2022 at 9:49 AM, aitna said:

I know. But I dont like that know in my 39 I have to start a knew life. I wish I was younger or to learn younger. But I sond have experience on relationships .Before my husband I had one small relationship,then my husband and know him.

I’m not too clear about the age issue but can see why it may cause fear or hesitancy. I had some concerns also when I was getting divorced. At the forefront there’s opportunity, boundless opportunity to pursue what matters more or lead a more fulfilling life.

Would you pick the trodden road you know and can look back on filled with thorns and darkness for fear of the unknown or would you choose a new path that has the possibility of none of the above?? There is the opportunity for happiness and even the slightest chance made me grab onto it for dear life because it was better than where I was coming from. Move forward. There’s more to life than living like this and you’ll be older/smarter and make different choices. 

[aitna]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I’m not too clear about the age issue but can see why it may cause fear or hesitancy. I had some concerns also when I was getting divorced. At the forefront there’s opportunity, boundless opportunity to pursue what matters more or lead a more fulfilling life.

Would you pick the trodden road you know and can look back on filled with thorns and darkness for fear of the unknown or would you choose a new path that has the possibility of none of the above?? There is the opportunity for happiness and even the slightest chance made me grab onto it for dear life because it was better than where I was coming from. Move forward. There’s more to life than living like this and you’ll be older/smarter and make different choices. 

thank you. One time I feel confident and that i will move on in my life and beatiful things may waiting for me and the other time I fell lost without him. I want to share many thing of my day with him. It is like I lost best friend.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, aitna said:

It is like I lost best friend.

This man isn't your best friend, though. 

Would you treat your best friend the way he has treated you? 

[aitna]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This man isn't your best friend, though. 

Would you treat your best friend the way he has treated you? 

does it matter?I lost the pesron I was all day with or speak all day for everything. The pain is the same if they treated to right or not when loosing someone you had so close.

[ExpatInItaly]

22 minutes ago, aitna said:

does it matter?

Yes, because hopefully it will help you move on more quickly if you realize that your feelings for him are a lot deeper than the other way around. 

 

[Bubble_20]

20 minutes ago, aitna said:

does it matter?I lost the pesron I was all day with or speak all day for everything. The pain is the same if they treated to right or not when loosing someone you had so close.

Yes of course it matters!! Because you deserve so much better than this. 
Sometimes we make choices for ourselves that do not serve us well and ultimately hurt us (and those we often chose to forget are also involved).

It will be difficult to let go and many of us on here have been in your situation so we are trying to tell you that they could be a more peaceful, enjoyable life out there. Unfortunately, it appears that the MM in your case has a lot to figure out and the to-and fro between you and his family are hurting all of you. 

[aitna]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, because hopefully it will help you move on more quickly if you realize that your feelings for him are a lot deeper than the other way around. 

 

no it's not.  If it;s not the same, his feelings is bigger than mine. I couldnt do what he have done for me if i saw my ex husband crying to stay with him and if  I had children. How much he tried show me his feeilings. But not all people are strong enough. I think he is very insecure on everything. Money,me,his children.He is not a person that can stand on his own feet..

I hope he was.

[aitna]

25 minutes ago, Bubble_20 said:

Yes of course it matters!! Because you deserve so much better than this. 
Sometimes we make choices for ourselves that do not serve us well and ultimately hurt us (and those we often chose to forget are also involved).

It will be difficult to let go and many of us on here have been in your situation so we are trying to tell you that they could be a more peaceful, enjoyable life out there. Unfortunately, it appears that the MM in your case has a lot to figure out and the to-and fro between you and his family are hurting all of you. 

I know. And I hope these days will come the sooner!

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, aitna said:

I lost the pesron I was all day with or speak all day for everything.

He was never actually yours to have… that’s the problem. You formed an attachment to another woman’s husband and that is not usually a wise plan. 

Edited August 5, 2022 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, aitna said:

 I couldnt do what he have done for me if i saw my ex husband crying to stay with him and if  I had children. How much he tried show me his feeilings. But not all people are strong enough. I think he is very insecure on everything. Money,me,his children.He is not a person that can stand on his own feet..

You make way too many excuses for him. 

He's playing both you and  his wife. That's what it comes down to. He treats both of you like toys. Once you are out the fog, you will see that this man is not a good person and has been deceiving you for years. 

[BaileyB]

Both women serve different purposes and he uses each of them accordingly, however and whenever he needs.